Author's Note: I do own Twilight or House at all. If I did I would be really rich and own a pony.
It was two days before the wedding and Edward stood in front of the mirror with his chin uplifted and chest puffed out. He looked marvelous in his black tuxedo, the dark color of the fabric complementing his radiant skin. Of course, Alice had picked it out. It had been handmade by monks in the far reaches of the Alps, then tailored by a nearly blind man in Italy. They served penance for their sins by spending day after day weaving. At least I believe Bella would approve, of course she'd rather get married in flannel and blue jeans. This will be a nice change of pace. Edward pictured her coming down the staircase, dark brown hair glistening in the chandelier light. She would be a positive vision, and everyone would marvel at her. I'm not sure how she'll handle the attention, with Alice handling the wedding. One last time he smoothed down the suit, this is why everything must be perfect. Edward turned around one last time and inspected himself, if only Alice could see him now, she'd laugh at the measures he was going through to perfect this. Oh wait she can. Yes, no matter how far away Alice was she could see into the future and know that he did infact appreciate the gesture. I imagine she's positively squealing in Seattle right now, poor Jasper.
Edwards's thoughts were soon interrupted by something positively dreadful. There on the edge of his cummerbund was a very large spot of what looked like dust. Using his keen vampire senses, Edward investigated the spot and deduced one thing: that he had caused it. Oh no, what am I going to do now? I've only tried on my tuxedo three times! It should have held together, where did I go wrong. I'm always so careful in my planning and being clean. Well as clean as an animated corpse that feed on the blood of the living could be…
Edward wanted to scream, but kept his cool. He had been waiting for 100 years for this moment to happen and one silly stain was not going to halt this in any way. If I can stop Bella's libido long enough for us to get married I am fairly certain that I can defeat this white menace. Gliding downstairs with his usual grace he went in search for Esme. She would know what to do, being the caring motherly type. Mothers always know how to get rid of bruises and stains. He found her sitting on the chaise lounge reading a book about African Violets. Recently, she had taken a liking to gardening however ill advised it was in a place like Forks. Always the nurturer, Edward smiled to himself.
Before he had gotten too close she set down her book and greeted him with open arms.
"Edward darling, I haven't seen you all day! How are you," Esme breathed.
"I am doing fine, but I do have an important quandary for you," Edward tried to make is voice sound even. If she finds out, she'll never leave me alone trying to fix the problem. Then she'll tell Alice. Edward had a sneaking suspicion that fighting a psychic shouldn't be in the cards today.
"What would you use to get out a horrible stain," he questioned his adopted mother.
"Hm, have you tried club soda and vinegar? I hear that helps with stains," she paused then smiled. At that point Edward had forgotten that even though they might get blood on their clothes hunting they would always get thrown away. Living forever and having your adopted father be a doctor had its perks.
"Yes, thank you, now do we have any club soda or vinegar?" The light shown through the windows in one of its rare appearances, making everything sparkle. It glared over the marble flooring and right through the windows.
"Why, no dear, there's no need for it, but I'm sure they have some in town," then Esme quizzically asked, "why do you need to know how to get a stain out, is something wrong?" Esme had leaned forward in an obvious gesture to come forward. Edward lifted his hand flippantly as he tried to shoo her off.
"No, its just Bella seems to have gotten in a mishap and needs to get some stains out of her garments. I thought I would help, but she probably has these ingredients at home." He smiled then turned on his heel and left, not to go back to his room, but to go to the corner store.
And so Edward drove at a hundred miles per hour in his Volvo to the corner store. It was quite a sight, and only took him five minutes. When Edward arrived, the local populace greeted him, most of them grey looking from the lack of sun. They bumbled around him like moths to a flame. Why must I be so perfect? Oh if only to be human, to smell like one to breathe like one. Then I could go to the Piggly Wiggly in peace! Alas no, my beauteous self is so entrancing they cannot look away. In his desperation Edward used his vampire speed to skirt around everyone and grab the club soda and vinegar. Then he promptly set himself between a woman and her 4-year-old boy, and an old man that smelled of cheeses and whiskey.
The child took one look at Edward and started tugging on his mother's skirts.
"Mommy, mommy! Look at the funny man," the child mewled. The woman looked right past Edward and to the old decrepit one. Yet it was obvious after a quick sweep of the child's mind revealed he was in fact talking about Edward.
"Yes, Isaac, I see now don't point it's rude." The woman smacked the child's hand away. She was late for her book club and wanted some time off.
"No mommy look! He smells bad, like when Lucky died and had to go to fish heaven. Remember we had a funeral in the toilet," Isaac whispered, "Hey do you know where fish heaven is? You smell like you've been there, are you an angel? A fish angel?" The little boy looked balefully at Edward waiting for a response. I, an angel? You must be mistaken little boy, best to play along in this kind of situation. Bella would murder me a second time if our cover was blown and we had to move after failing to keep up with a little boy's interrogation.
"Yes, I am an Angel," Edward whispered. Isaacs' eyes got bigger.
"Isaac, hurry up," shouted his mother and he whisked away by his mother as she began to scold him about being rude to strangers. He then deftly positioned himself in front of the cashier and counter. It was a troubling five minutes as the young cashier struggled to ring up and bag his items while mentally swooning over him. Edward had a hard time digesting the fact that the old man was also swooning mentally over him. This is why I don't like going out in public. Humans are so odd, how did I not notice this while I was alive. I must have been quite unobservant.
"H-here you are sir," the girl drew a shaky breath, "now let me count your change." The girl fumbled through a fistful of quarters and dimes dropping several on the floor.
"You can keep it," Edward smiled, and of course she fell for it. Humans are so easily manipulated. Edward picked up his package with a flourish and rushed to his car. The sun had started to peak out from behind the cloud. Why does this have to be one of the sunny days? He rushed to the car again, deftly getting around other vehicles and people.
Edward climbed into his cool air-conditioned car and sped away at 105 miles per hour. Luckily the cops were never around, the chief of police was currently drinking a beer and watching a football game. Hopefully this will work and I can fix this before Alice comes back home. Lost in his thoughts Edward almost hit a deer, but swerved out of the way just in time. The drive was quick, and soon the car was going up the long steep drive to the Cullen's house. Edward stepped out of the car and into the garage. Good, Alice and Jasper are not back yet, I still have time. Of course Alice will know by now, and I do not want to face her when she is angry. Edward decided to jump through his open window instead of walking through the house. Esme and Carlisle were still home and all he needed was to answer unwanted questions. With ease, he leapt into his sparse room; the only thing in it being a massive music collection and a futon. He gazed around, noticing that no one had been in there. Nodding to himself, Edward picked up his cummerbund and glanced at the offending stain. Breathing, he picked up the club soda and vinegar and began to pour them on the fabric. At first, it seemed to work, with bubbles forming and fizzing in what looked to be a productive way. Edward soon realized that this chemical reaction was in fact making the stain worse by eating in the fabric. In panic, Edward ran to the bathroom and turned on the sink soaking it in hot water. Damn, was all he could think as the fabric began to melt away slightly like a snowman on an unusually warm winter day. What should I do now? The fabric is decimated. I should not have listened to Alice and gotten a one of a kind piece of fabric. Why is life so hard? As the fabric stopped melting he took a long hard look at himself in the mirror, contemplating his next step of action. Maybe I can call Rosalie, she's not as fashionable as Alice, but she is a girl. She should know what to do about clothing. I cannot believe that I know how to cook after all these years, yet I cannot get a stain out. Putting his hand in his pocket, he reached for his cell phone, and pressed four. Rosalie & Emmett were always on speed dial, not like it was needed but one could never be too prepared.
The phone rang for ages it seemed until Emmett picked up the phone.
"Hey this is Emmett and Rosalie…"
"Emmett may I speak to Rosalie there is a situation here and-"
"We can't come to the phone right now because we are busy, you know busy. Call back in a couple of hours we should be done. Oh and if you want leave a message after the beep. Beeeeeep!" Edward was about to leave a message when he heard Rosalie's voice on the other end.
"You know Emmett you don't have to actually say beep, the phone already does that, and could you be more obvious about what we are doing. Seriously we may be 'related' but everyone else does not need to know our business," screeched Rosalie.
"Oh sorry, but I think the phone recorded you too, should we make anot-" Emmett's voice was cut off by the actual beep left for recording. It appears that he was out of luck and that Emmett and Rosalie decided not to make another recording. In a situation like this, Edward needed help and there was only one person who could provide that. He would have to go talk to Carlisle. I should have thought of this before. He should know how to get stains out he is a doctor after all. People spew liquids on him all the time. The thought of this made Edward internally cringe. He had no idea how Carlisle could stand such disgusting situations at times.
Edward found him in his study after wandering the house for a good five minutes. Every one of the Cullen's liked to read except for Emmett. Carlisle looked up at Edward from his book, The Anthology of Lupus written by G. House, and sighed.
"What is it Edward, is there a problem or would you just like to talk? I have been reading a fascinating book on Lupus. I have never had a case but you never know when it will turn up," laughed Carlisle. When Edward did not laugh Carlisle's face became more serious.
"What is the problem, Edward?" Edward moved from one foot to another, shifting himself uneasily as he held the sad little cummerbund behind his back.
"You know how Alice hand picked a special hand spun and specially tailored suit by that man who died the other day?"
"Yes, go on."
"Well I was trying it on and the cummerbund got a stain on it so I was going to fix it, but then it melted…" Edward trailed off as he saw Carlisle's jaw get tighter; obviously he knew the consequences of Edward's actions. Alice would unleash hell upon them.
"Let me see it," he sighed, and then cringed when he saw the delicate fabric with a hole in it. "What did you do to make this happen Edward? I thought you were a bit smarter than this and would have waited to talk to Alice when she got home. You know she has cleaning instructions right?" Edward mentally smacked himself, and then launched into the story of the day so far. Carlisle listened intently nodding and rolling his eyes at the appropriate moments.
"Well can we get a new one, one that Alice would only notice a slight difference in?"
"That would be impossible, most stores do not even carry cummerbund's anymore and it would take too long to find one, plus the wedding is tomorrow."
"I see well-" Carlisle was cut short as both turned to hear the door open. Edward heard only one pair of footsteps, and surprisingly they belonged to Jasper not Alice. It was not long before Jasper stood in front of them with his familiar blonde curls holding what looked to be a large package. It turned out to be Alice. She moaned.
"Hello, sorry to interrupt but we were shopping and she just collapsed. I was worried so I got home as soon as I could," Jasper's voice was strained. "Yet it appears that there is nothing wrong here." He glanced down at Alice obviously worried at Alice's recent antics, but was trying to remain stoic as per usual.
Carlisle was the first to speak. "Well there actually has been a sort of mishap with Edward. You see, he has ruined part of his suit, and that is probably why Alice is acting this way. You know how she is." He breathed.
Edward did a quick sweep of Jasper's mind and realized that he understood. Alice had tried on 50 different dresses and twenty pairs of shoes all in the course of about five hours. Jasper, he realized was at his wits end and contemplating his demise in the perfume department when Alice had just collapsed and the only thing she could say over and over again was Edward. I feel so sorry for him maybe it is okay that Bella would rather look like a lumberjack on her wedding day. I should probably rethink my priorities. Walking carefully Edward came up close to Alice's form, trying to get a response.
"Edward," she whispered.
"Yes I am here and everything is okay, what do you need Alice," said Edward. Her thoughts were slowly becoming numbed so he leaned closer. Then Alice leapt out of Jasper's arms in one fluid moment and began to yell at him.
"How could you do this to me and the wedding! I have been planning this for months and you have ruined all my hard work!' She snatched the cummerbund out of his hands and cradled it like it was a child. "This was had spun and there is never going to be anything like this ever again! I am so ashamed of you right now! Didn't you know I have instructions on the cleaning? For someone so smart you are unimaginably dumb!" Alice began to rant even more, until Jasper put his hands on her shoulders and a calming effect began to fill the room.
"Not now Jasper, he needs to be punished for his insolence," Alice screamed in a voice that did not match her tiny frame.
"You can punish him later dear, you've had a rough day. I think we should go lie down for a moment until you have calmed done," Jaspered said calmingly. He then picked up a squirming Alice and carried her out of the room, but not before she glared at him and pointed.
"This is not over, you will pay!"
"Well that went better than expected," murmured Carlisle as he looked from the doorway to Edward. "As I was saying, maybe we could make another one. I am sure Esmee knows how to weave and sew."
"Yes but-" It was Edward's turn to be intercepted now as he heard another car in the driveway which could only mean that Rosalie and Emmett where home. This is ridiculous! I just wanted to fix my cummerbund and everyone is showing up at the most inopportune moment. Then he heard something that made his blood run cold. Edward heard Bella's voice. Why did they bring her here? This is one day where I do not want to see her. He was sure she would be at least a little miffed at the fact that he had disintegrated part of his tuxedo for the wedding, but he could never tell with her. Laughter could be heard getting closer, until Rosalie, Emmett, and Bella stood in the doorway.
"Hey Edward, we saw you called so we brought Bella over. We thought you could use the company since you resorted to calling us, you know so you can do what you need to do," said Emmett waggling his brows in a suggestive manner " Bro if you need to call us because you're bored you need some company."
"Edward," Rosalie spoke up, " I had nothing to do with this at all, it was all his idea, and she just agreed to come along." All three stood in the doorway waiting for a response.
"Well actually, I was calling you Rosalie to have help removing a stain, but seeing as you were busy I ended up ruining part of my tuxedo."
"Oh, what part? I'm sure we can fix it," murmured Bella in her trademark flannel shirt. I didn't even know that they made summer flannel shirts that seem a bit impractical.
"Bella, there is nothing you can do," he showed her the ruined cummerbund, " I have failed you." This could not have been truer, now the wedding will be ruined. The tuxedo will look so unfinished and everyone will be disgusted. Bella just stared at him with her usual blank expression, her mind unreadable.
"You know that no one wears those anymore," she sighed, "why do you have to be so old fashioned?"
" I am not, I just want our special day to be perfect!" How could she not understand my feelings? I just want this day to be the best ever. I went through hell today to make this better and it will be fixed…or the wedding is off. Firm with his decision he moved to speak.
"You know you can just order one online? I'm sure all those famous designer people have phone numbers you know. I mean, you've got the money." Everyone in the room turned slack jawed at the idea that they were too dumb to think of.
"Wow I can't believe you didn't think of that Edward," said Rosalie crossing her arms and Emmett grinned.
"Yeah I guess that's why I'm marrying you, you always know what to do." He encircled Bella in his arms and gave her a large hug. I guess I'm just lucky that way.