Harry Potter and the last bowl of Pudding
An evening in the life of Harry James Potter
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, as well as the characters. As well as some of the paraphrase lines belong to Potter Puppet pals and Fairy Odd parents. But the idea, I am quite sure is mine….I hope.
Warning: You will be horrified and you might like it.
Harry woke up that morning feeling particular good about the day! Why because there would be a bowl of pudding waiting for him at dinner. It was sort of sick, but Harry had become addicted to pudding. Ron and Hermione were to busy pretending not to be love with each other while Dean was defiling his Ginny. At the mere mention of Dean, the Beast shook his fist furiously and went back to plotting Dean's death. Right now it involved an axe and Harry deeply enjoyed where the plot HAD been going. Though he wondered to himself if Ginny would find it romantic or horrifying if he wrote 'I love you' in Dean's blood.
Harry shook his head as he slowly finished the last chapter of ' The top ten ways to pleasure your best friend's sister without looking like emo jealous virgin.' The book was rather helpful though Harry had of yet to use any of the technique. One of the aspects of the book was to make it clear to Ginny of his feeling and the best way was with song. He had made up his mind that he was going to do it that night at dinner. After that evening Ginny would have no choice but to return his feelings like she did with second year.
If he had only known how hot that she was going to turn out, he might have been nicer. Or perhaps watch her a little more closely but not in a creepy stalker way. Just in An observant older-like brother who one day would like to pleasure her endlessly. Harry blink to himself that sound amazingly creepy and he would make sure not to say that.
Harry's day unfortunately waS horrid. Draco Malfoy was up to something and now it involved stealing all the hot girls. Though lucky, he had not laid a hand on Ginny but Harry thought it was strange. He went to class and all he saw was the ulgos and Hermione. Harry groaned to himself as he thought about how Hermione nag him about the stupid potion book. Couldn't she be happy that he wasn't failing potions? No no no all it was with her was Nag nag nag. After awhile Harry created a song and he was surprise by how musical he was. He whistled it happily and Hermione glared.
Unfortunately for Ron he had found the tune to catchy and started to sing as they walked to another class. Ron was such a dumb bloke, Harry reasoned to himself. He was already in enough trouble because of the whole 'won won' thing, he just had to make it worst.
"You nag to the right and you nag to the left. You nag it all night because Hermione doesn't know what's right. So she nags it to the middle and nags poor Harry to death."
The look on Hermione face was purely priceless as Ron continued to sing the song like a moron. Suddenly the most amazing thing happen, Ron had pissed Hermione past the point of hexing and cursing. That she was forced to go to good ol' undeniable violence. Harry Potter barely had time to move away ad Ron screamed in agony. Now if Harry had been a good friend or possibly thinking about anything but his ding-dong. Then he would have taken out of his wand got Hermione off of Ron but he didn't.
There was something undeniably sexy about Hermione acting like absolutely beast and beating the living crap out of Ron. He was proud and the beast roared in approval as well as taking very specific notes. Harry just stood there and before he knew it there was a crowd, cheering Hermione on as she was stomping the hell out of Ron. Ron desperately tried to get away but Hermione was much stronger than any one had originally thought as he kept him pin. It was McGonagall that pulled off Hermione and half the male population just stared at Hermione and everything went hard.
Somehow, none of them were quite sure, her clothes had been tattered and torn and some how she was soaking wet. Who knew that Hermione was so developed and worn red lacey underwear. It was the bloodiest, sexiest thing that Harry had ever seen in his young life. McGonagall stared to lecture them all on the proper respect for a woman, and blah blah blah. Ron lost 50 points for the house and had detention until he could no longer be a womanizing bastard. As the crowd disappeared Harry saw some one with a bucket and he mentally applaud his effort. Who knew that a Hufflepuff could be such sexual deviant? It was a loud applause that had caught Harry's attention.
He turned to see Malfoy clapping while Crabbe and Goyle stood behind him. Harry glared at him as his beast kind of winked at him. Harry paused for a moment, W.T.F! Since when was his beast a bisexual and attracted to Malfoy? The beast as well clicked his tongue and Harry was completely horrified. It was a well known fact that if Harry was going to be a homosexual that his partner would be Ron. Then again Ron was a bit on the stupid side and Draco did have nice cheekbones. They were high and elegant and his voice was-Harry gasped in horror as his thought process was going much farther than he ever wanted it to.
He realized that this whole time that he had been staring at a certain part of Malfoy's anatomy. His eyes suddenly went to Malfoy who looked completely horrified as he pushed Goyle in front of him.
"Potter, I am well-aware that you have certain feelings for me. That cause you to stalk me at night, talk about me passionately to your friends and send me these threat-antic letters. As a Malfoy I know my beauty is addictive but I want you to know, I see you only as a rival and I hate your guts. I plan to kill you one day and you see I like women. Good old boobs and vagina women. I would do Granger before I did you, which reminds me. Crabbe put Granger on the list."
"A-a-are you breaking up with me?" Harry said almost crying.
"No, I am not. We're just moving in different circle is all." Malfoy said slowly.
"You are breaking up with me!"
By this point Harry was in tears and his beast was sobbing uncontrollably. Malfoy moved from behind Goyle and gently grabs Harry's shoulder and pats him on the back. Harry couldn't believe it he was being dumped and he had never made it to first base!
"Listen to me Potter, I respect you better as a rival and your sick fantasy could never work out."
"Is it the letters? I could write better letter."
"No, it's not the letter, I just ha-"
"It's because I am a virgin isn't it?"
"Uh- no." Malfoy said uncomfortably as he moved away from Harry.
"Then what is it?" Harry sobbed.
Before Harry knew it, Malfoy had slapped the piss out of him. Harry fell to the ground, sprawled on the floor like a beaten woman. He touched his cheek and looked at Malfoy stunned. The Beast was hurt, Malfoy had never physically hurt them before and he wondered what was wrong with him. Malfoy let out a deep breath and looked at Harry coolly.
"Potter get yourself together and stop acting like a woman. We're rivals, and we hate each other. We're men damnit so just stop, or I'll hex you into a fag bar where you belong."
Harry shook his head, Malfoy was right, he had to get better control of his emotions. When he finally rose to his feet, the hall was empty and he wondered how many people had heard that. He shook his head, oh great now every one was going to think he was in love with Malfoy. Not that he was, was he? He shook his head, no he was not. Even though Malfoy did have as fairly nice, no Harry said as he slapped himself. No he had to be logical now, Malfoy was up to something but what. Harry then remembered at breakfast that Malfoy was staring at him when he drank his pumpkin juice.
Or had Harry been staring at Malfoy and been caught? That was beside the point, Malfoy looked at him while he was drinking juice. And now Harry fancied himself in love and emotional. And since he was emotional, meant that he was pregnant. Eureka! Harry now knew Malfoy's evil plan. The Dark Lord had told Malfoy to make Harry pregnant with his child so he would fall in love with Malfoy and then join the dark forces. With Harry Potter on their team, they could rule the world and give little Junior a proper world. And in order to do that Malfoy had to get a magical net from that dark magic store that Harry, Hermione and Ron had followed him to. That was why he couldn't take it with him because it was a net that trapped all the hot girls.
So with this net, he took all the hot girls so that Harry would have no choice but to fall in love with Malfoy. Thus he applaud Hermione for nearly killing Ron so he wouldn't have any competition. Then he rejected Snape help because Snape was secretly in love with Harry as well and Malfoy wanted him for all himself. It all made perfect sense! Harry knew what he must do at once, he had to enlist the help of Dumbledore. Hermione was going to die and Ginny would be in danger too. So he run as fast as he could but not to fast because he was pregnant. Though he had never really wanted to be pregnant, he would love the child and name him James or Lily. Or maybe even both.
Harry burst into Dumbledore's office having lessons with him every Monday night or supposedly having lesson with every Monday night, he knew the password quite well.
"Professor! Professor, I have horrible news!"
"There you are Severus, you know better than to keep me waiting."
Harry stopped in his tracks and almost pee his pants. His eyes were wide and he was completely terrified and throw up a little in his mouth. Standing before him was Dumbledore in a thong; smoking a bong and attempting to look sexy. The Beast inside of him died a little on the inside of him.
"Oh hello Harry." The Headmaster said embarrassed as he quickly put one a Robe. "You're not Severus."
Harry shook his head in horror as the Headmaster pretended like nothing happen and sat at his desk. Harry shook his head, telling himself that he was having a bad dream. A very bad dream and that he would wake up and eat pudding. Damn, why must dinner be a half hour away? His eye started to twitch a little as he started to speak.
"Yes, Harry? Hm…what kind of a name is Harry. You're not very hairy at all, …wait have you even gone through puberty yet? You are the one that has the freakily high pitch voice while the girl you love has a low pitch one right?"
"No, sir that's Ron!"
"Oh right. Weasley like weasel. Hmm intrigue."
"Professor, this is important. It's about Malfoy."
"Malfoy? Malfoy? Oh right, the kid with white blonde hair. What's up with that? What a freak! Why not have blonde or white? White or blonde? Having them both is freaky."
"Professor listen to me, I know what he's up to. I think he's-"
"Are you sure Harry, you been stalking him a lot, are you sure you're not obsessed."
"I AM NOT OBSESSED! I AM PREGNANT OKAY. And I want pudding."
"There there Harry. Pregnant? Well you two I am sure will have very freaky looking children. White black blonde hair and they will have been outcasts.
Harry was appalled, clutching his stomach! How dare he! James and/or Lily would not be an outcast. But before Harry could at once tell Dumbledore how much he sicken him and that James and/or Lily was twice the man he ever be. The door opened and Harry turned slowly.
"Sir, sorry that it took me so long. Damn third years but are you sure this is the only one I can prove my loyalty."
Harry's eye twitch as he saw the potion master in some rather attractive lingerie. The Beast roared in horror as he went to a corner and cry like a baby. Harry didn't wait as he gagged and run out of the room.
"Now that he's gone." Dumbledore grinned and Snape sighed. "Now where the hell is Minerva?"
Harry spent many minutes scrubbing every part of his body. His eyes just weren't clean enough, nor was any part of his body. Harry cried as well as he thought about how only pudding could make it better. When he walked into the Great Hall, he saw the Pudding bar, and he run to it. He ignored all the looks and whispers that were going on. He was inches away and there was only one bowl last and it had his name on it. It would make everything better and he would pretend like nothing ever happen. He would break up Dinny or Gean as he thought was a much better one. Which the Beast through agreed with him. After all that he would get the girl and finally lose had virginity.
His finger tips were mere seconds away from the grand bowl and Malfoy took it from him. Harry tripped and looked at Malfoy in agony. The whole Hall laughed loudly and Harry blushed. Oh why did God hate him? He slowly rose to his knee when Ginny walked up to him. Maybe not everything was lost, maybe he could still reclaim the girl and live happily ever after?
"Are you alright, Harry?"
"Yea, I am great Ginny." Harry jumped up and dusted himself off. "Anything that I can help you with."
"No, Dumbledore told me that he, McGonagall and Snape want to see you after dinner." Harry turned slowly to see Dumbledore winking at. "Here a list with the protective gear you need to wear.
Harry took the piece of paper and collapse to his knees. He cried as he screamed so all the heavens could hear him.
Satin/Silk: I don't know about you but I died a little on the inside.