Title: Girl (Boy) friend
Author: pinch5
Summary: Kurt knows Puck would be happier with him.
Pairing: Rachel/Puck (shudder), Kurt/Puck
Disclaimer: Oh god, if only I owned, the show would be a porno.
A/N: It was stupid of me to go look at artwork from sevenswells. She did this to me. Blame her.

Kurt swallowed his fear and knocked quietly on coach Sylvester's door. He didn't know how this was going to go, but this was for Puck. Kurt flinched when a harsh 'Come in!' was shouted at the door and opened the door softly.

Kurt smiled uneasily as Sue smiled at him.

"Hey there, pretty boy. What can I do ya' for?"

Kurt took the seat in front of Sue's desk and took a deep breath before blurting out his request.

"I want to coach the routine we're doing at the pep rally next week."

Kurt watched as Sue's eyes widened in disbelief before her face returned to the sarcastic smile everyone knew.

"Hummel, I'm going to have to give that a big fat N-O. I've created every award winning routine the Cheerio's have ever done and I won't let a pale faced, living decomposer ruin my perfect record."

Kurt sighed and put his hands on Sue's desk, leaning closer to her.

"Coach Sylvester, you and I both have something in common. We both thrive on victory and we both hate Rachel Berry."

Sue's face broke into a contemplative frown before she leaned back in her chair and motioned for him to continue.

"Rachel Berry is currently dating Noah Puckerman and I certainly don't approve of it. She stole him from me and I will not lose to girl who has more puppy sweaters then my own grandmother. The routine I have thought up will ultimately break her and Noah apart and send him straight to me. Knowing Berry, she'll hold a massive grudge and may refuse to come back to glee club, just because I'm there. After that the demise of the glee club is in the bag."

Sue's face broke a calculating grin and leaned over her desk to be face to face with Kurt "I thought you were down with all those little gleeks."

Kurt smiled and primped his already perfect hair "its small price to pay for ultimate victory."

Sue grinned at him and clapped him on the shoulder, making him wince in pain.

"I never knew were so cunning, Hummel. I thought that ridiculous haze of hair product surrounding your dome stifled the thinking process."

Kurt rubbed his aching shoulder and smiled at Sue "I learned from the best."

Sue looked at him happily and spoke "You bet your flat ass you did! We've got a deal, Hummel. But I warn you, if this routine is anything less than perfect, I will turn you into a woman."

Kurt, who had no words after that threat, nodded quickly before exiting the room.


Kurt parked his car in the lot the next morning and whilst fixing his hair in the rear-view mirror, he couldn't help but see Puck bending over the trunk of his car.

'Wow' Kurt thought. 'Look at the ass on that boy!'

Kurt jumped out of his car and slammed the door behind him, making sure his uniform was presentable before walking over and knocking on the open hood of the trunk. Puck jolted in surprise before straightening and letting out a sigh of relief.

"Wow, don't you look happy to see me. You're here pretty early; you wouldn't be running away from Rachel would you?"

Puck looked appalled at the accusation and sputtered out an answer "N-no! I am the man of relationship, I don't run from girls!"

Kurt raised an eyebrow at Puck's lame excuse and crossed his arms "Really, now."

Puck deflated under Kurt's solid glare and pouted at the ground "She wanted to come over and dress me before school. You have to understand Kurt; she was going to make me wear pink." Puck grabbed Kurt tightly and held his face to face "Hot pink."

Kurt fought off the urge to swoon at the fact that Puck was so close that he could smell his cologne and patted Puck's head sympathetically.

"That is a real problem, anyway are you coming to the prep rally next week?"

Puck shrugged and leaned back on the closed trunk of his car. He raised his arms and stretched, giving Kurt a wonderful view of his abs. Kurt couldn't help rake his eyes over the upper body of the jock, his shirt was so tight every contour of his body was begging for him to taste and was that a nipple ring? God how Kurt would have loved to-


Kurt snapped his eyes off of Puck's body and onto his face which had a confused puppy look etched all over. Kurt discreetly wiped his chin for drool and actually began to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth.

"What do you think?"

Kurt inwardly smirked at that open ended question about your ass, well it's so nice. I bet it would be really firm, what I wouldn't give to just grab handful a squeeze. You could bounce a quarter off that shit!

"I'm sorry; I've just got so much on my mind lately, what were saying?"

Puck let out a sigh, completely oblivious to the fact he was getting visually raped and turned his eyes to the sky "I don't know if I want to go. I mean, now everywhere I go Rachel has to come with because she still thinks I'm a whore and I'm cheating on her. It's not like I'm ashamed to be seen with her, it's just that I need my man space, to be able to go out without an animal sweater choking the shit out of me! Do you think I'm a bad boyfriend?"

Kurt put on a concerned face for Puck as if he was really caring about his problem, however on the inside he was doing back handsprings and fucking triple flips! What were the odds of him getting a sad Puck to console and hold and grope! Life was so good and it was just bound to get better.

"Oh, Puck of course not! I understand if you need space but Rachel is the kind of person who believes any space in her space and now that you're her boyfriend you have like conjoined spaces. Do you know what I mean?"

Puck looked as if he was trying to decipher a very hard puzzle before he shook his head.


Kurt chuckled gathering the muscular boy in his arms.

"Puck, I understand if you feel suffocated by Rachel sometimes, but that's how she is. You're going to have to live with that."

Kurt grinned when Puck dropped his head into the crook of his shoulder, utterly despondent "I don't want that!"

Kurt sighed and brought one arm to rub at the back of Puck's head murmuring "I know, I know…"

While his other hand was busy having a field day. To Kurt, having Puck pressed up this tightly against him was absolute heaven. Kurt couldn't help but let his hand linger lightly of Puck's ass and by God what an ass it was.

Kurt snickered when he felt Puck tense after a particularly hard squeeze.

"Did you just…"

Kurt released Puck and began to walk backwards to the front entrance of the school. He waved at Puck, yelling a reminder.

"Well, bye Puck! Don't forget to bring Rachel to the pep rally!"

Kurt turned and walked into the air conditioned hallway, this was going to be so good.

Oh, so good.



The day of the pep rally Kurt found himself with a face full of Rachel Berry, happy and pepped and smiling a Colgate smile. Kurt raised an eyebrow and shut his locker slowly before leaning on it and facing Rachel.

"Hello, Rachel. What brings you here?"

Rachel smiled wider at Kurt, all teeth and gum and Kurt swore that they actually sparkled. Kurt squeaked as she latched on to his arm and began walking them down the hallway.

"I know we've been going through a rough patch in our relationship as performers and friends because of that Noah chose me over you to be with and because of you horrible long lasting crush. I know reopening an old wound, just like Finn. As of recently I think you've become desperate and started acting like a rabid slut to try and take Noah away from me and that really hurt me. But I just thought you would like to know that I graciously accept your apology."

Kurt used all of his self control not to suddenly tense his arm so Rachel would just slip and go flying. Instead his gently pulled his arm back, bringing them to a slow stop.

"Apology? What apology?"

Rachel tilted her head as if that would help Kurt's confusion "You don't have to act so embarrassed, I think it's great you're finally accepting your loss. Noah told me that you invited us to the pep rally this afternoon."

Kurt felt a devilish smile creep upon his face and he gave Rachel a small chuckle "Right, the pep rally. I just want you to know Rachel, you and Puck have front row seats."

Rachel grasped onto his hands staring up at him happily "Really?"

Kurt smiled once again and he swore if this went on much longer he was going to give himself diabetes.

"Yes, of course. Only the best for McKinley High's power couple."

"You are the best Kurt; I can't wait to see your routine! I'm going to find Noah, maybe we can match shirts and pom-poms this night is going to be magical!"

Kurt watched her back retreat, his smile dropping dramatically.

"You bet it'll be."


Kurt stared down at the group of teenage girls clad is red and white uniforms.

"Girls, I want you to know something and this, this is important. Tonight will be the night where you may become the greatest generation Cheerios to ever walk theses. When you're out there you have to remember, they came out tonight to see you, to see us! We are at the top at this school, we run everything and if anyone gets in our way we take no prisoners. Do you understand?"


"Now tonight's routine is special because this may just be the thing to get you that guy or girl you've had your eye. He or she is taken, not a problem tonight is where you can throw it in their faces and not look like you're trying to hard. But girls I want you to bring it; I want everyone to be eyes dead set on us. Pick a man, except Puck, or pick a woman and entice them through the entire number because you know what girls?"


"Because we deserve all eyes on us, we deserves to be treated like Queens, we are the Cheerios! Now lets go out there an tease them!"

"Yes Kurt!"


The lights dim and Kurt signals Brittany's and Santana's line of girls to head after him.

Yeah, little mama you lookin' good

I see you wanna play with a player from the hood

Come holla at me, you got it like that

Big, Snoop Dogg with the lead Pussycat

I show you how it go down, yeah, I wanna go down

Me and you, one on one, treat you like a showdown

You look at me and I look at you

I'm reachin' for your shirt what you want me to do

Kurt and the girls slinked out of the hallway just as Snoop Dogg's verse ended; Kurt wasn't going to sing for a little bit, it was time for a little teasing.

Typical and hardly

The type I fall for

I like it when the physical

Don't leave me askin' for more

I'm a sexy mama (mama)

Kurt rubbed his thumb across his bottom lip and dragged it down the front of his body bringing the attention back on him. The girls on either side diagonally across from him pushed their hips forward gently, raising their pleated skirts in the process.

All the right things all night long

But I can't seem to get you over here

To help take this off

Baby can't you see (see)

How these clothes are fittin' on me (me)

At this point the entire crowd was dazed from this impromptu sex show they were given, they almost creamed their collective pants when after that line of the song everyone started to show some skin. Kurt and the team in unison raised their shirts to expose their abdomens and run their hands across them. Kurt smiled to himself and bit his lips as the haze of lust washed over him.

And the heat comin' from this beat (beat)

I'm about to blow, I don't think you know

I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe (uh huh)

But you keep frontin' (uh)

Sayin' what you gon' do to me (uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothin' (ah)

I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe (uh huh)

But you keep frontin' (uh)

Sayin' what you gon' do to me (uh huh)

But I ain't seen nothin' (ah)

Kurt and the rest of the team dropped to their knees as the lights dimmed again and the song changed, causing all of the girls to giggle silently. An upbeat guitar riff began to play and the team began clapping their hands in sync whilst getting up at the same time.

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend
No way, no way, I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend

Hey, hey, you, you, I know that you like me
No way, no way, you know it's not a secret
Hey, hey, you, you, I want to be your girlfriend

The girls formed a circle around Kurt making sure the focus was on him as he sang. Kurt made sure before he began singing to lock eyes with Puck.

You're so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious
I think about you all the time, you're so addictive
Don't you know what I can do to make you feel alright?
Alright, alright, alright

Kurt pointed at Puck in the crowd and licked his lips, closing his eyes in imaginary bliss. Kurt slid his hands down from his chest to the 'V' of his hips to show Puck what he could really do to make him feel all right.

Don't pretend, I think you know I'm precious
And so yeah, I'm a damn good princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right
I'm right, I'm right, I'm right

Kurt blew a kiss to Puck and twirled his way to behind the group as the got on their knees to signify he was a princess

She's like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that's what everybody's talking about

Kurt grinned as he pointed to Rachel and made a face of annoyance, brushing away the air as if she was next to him in person and could be done the same. Kurt drew a picture of a heart with his fingers around Puck's face as the girls surrounded him and pretended to chat on phones.

Oh, in a second you'll be wrapped around my finger
Woo, 'cause I can, ?cause I can do it better
There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in?
Hey, she's so stupid, just what were you thinking?

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger
'Cause I can, cause I can do it better
There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in?
She's so stupid, just what were you thinking?

Kurt froze as the girls surrounded him in a V formation and they twirled their fingers around, and pumped their chests outward. The girls twirled so that they could gather around Kurt as he pushed his hands downwards causing them all to crouch on the ground. As Kurt sang 'she's so stupid' all the girls pointed at Rachel while Kurt glared playfully at Puck.

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend
No way, no way, I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend
No way, no way

Kurt stood in the finished formation as the song ended and waited for the applause. Kurt couldn't help but let out a quiet snort as Rachel ran out of the gym bawling her eyes out. Kurt winked at Puck was he sat there wide eyed and drooling a little bit. Kurt stumbled as Coach Sylvester barreled over and threw an arm over his shoulder.

"This was a complete success, you're like a less attractive and intelligent version of me when I was in high school."

Kurt smiled and took off his headset "Of course I am."


Kurt walked out of the girl's locker room after changing and walked out to the parking lot. He had been searching for Puck all afternoon and had had no luck. Kurt couldn't help feel disappointed and a bit embarrassed; he had probably scared Puck away by acting like a 'rabid slut' as Rachel so eloquently put it.

Kurt sighed as his looked down into his gym tote for his car keys and walked blindly to where his baby had been parked. He'd have to call Mercedes tonight and tell her she right, and he hated that and she would tell him to apologize to Rachel and he would shop at Wal-mart before he did that becau-

Kurt let out a surprised grunt as he slammed into a warm obstacle and began to fall backwards only to be grabbed gently, but firmly and set up right. Kurt was about to give said person a piece of his mind when recognizes those hands gripping his shoulders; he's had so many fantasies he would crazy not to remember.

"Puck!" Kurt gave Puck a huge smile, but it drooped a bit at the uncomfortable look on the jock's face. Kurt stretched out a hand and stroked his cheek.

"What's wrong Puck?"

Puck leaned into his touch but still looked uncomfortable, maybe even a little bashful.

"Nothing, it's just that…we, uh, I, I think…that…uh…"

Kurt stared silently as Puck stuttered his way through his confession, his baby was so cute, he just wanted to eat him up, in more ways than one. Yeah, that would be nice. Kurt was brought out of his, very tasty, fantasy as he felt a pair of warm lips pressed to his own.

Kurt kisses back slowly and giggles as he feels a scattered blush warm up Puck's cheeks from the place of his hands. Puck pulls back his head and their lips and the bottom lips stick together for a second more before pulling apart. Puck rests their foreheads together and whispers quietly into the air.

"I think I need a new girlfriend too."

Kurt nearly squeals before using his car keys to unlock his door and shove Puck backwards inside of the backseat.

Yeah Berry, take it.

Take it hard.