What's my name backwards …Niff Nosduh? That's pretty awesome, Niff. I like that, I might legally change my name to that, but I doubt my mom would be ok with that. What about everyone else's? Truk Lemmuh. Awesome, just like him. Lehcar Yr-Yrreb.. Yerreb? That's kinda difficult to say. Kcup-wait.
What's Puck's last name? Is it- wait, isn't Puck Puck's last name? I use it so much I forget which one it is. Damn, I can't exactly go up to him and say 'Yo dude, what's your last name?' Especially since we're not exactly the two musketeers anymore. It would be just weird.
I snapped back into the room as I realised Mr Schue was calling my name, staring straight at me. I've got to control my daydreaming in Glee club; it's not the most useful thing to do. Especially now I'm starting to get the solos back again.
'Sorry Mr Schue, I haven't been sleeping well lately.' The perfect excuse, I amaze myself sometimes.
I heard Brittany giggle to Santana over on the other side of the choir room. How could that be made into something funny? All I said was that I wasn't sleeping…
'That's alright Finn, I was just asking if there were any problems with the assignment I just set.' Mr Schue asked with a raised brow.
'Uh no, it's all fine.' I have no idea what it was. Oh well, I'll ask someone else.
'All right, great. Well guys that's five minutes left, might as well call it a day for today there. You can get an early lunch in and get working on your numbers.'
I got up from my seat along with a couple other people and realised I'd been sitting still for ages. I had to smack my ass a little before I could move, not in that weird way; it had just fallen asleep. It was kind of painful to walk with it.
Rachel was sitting directly in front of me so I decided she would be the best person to ask, I didn't want everyone knowing I was daydreaming. But before I could get over to her she power walked out of the room mumbling something to herself, waving her arms about and clicking. Jesse looked at as much of a loss as I did at her rushing away, but he followed close after. The next person I saw was Kurt. He looked deep in a quiet conversation with Tina in the middle of the room, so that works nicely. The perfect plan, I'm good today.
I walked over behind him and before he could see me, poked him both sides just above his waist, making him screech and jump so high that for a split second, he was taller than me. He spun around quickly with a scowl once he hit the ground again. The scowl faded slightly when he saw it was me, but only slightly.
'Finn! I told you about that! You know I'm ticklish!' He half shouted giving me a little hit on the arm. Yet again the cornered Cheerios gave another giggle to each other. I'm not getting this at all.
'Sorry Kurt, couldn't resist.' I lowered my voice to a whisper and crouched down so he could hear me. 'What was the assignment? I was having major daydreams'.
Kurt sighed at me. Weird, I could've sworn that wasn't a funny sigh, it seemed like he was annoyed. Kurt spoke to me in a very sarcastic way; it was like the words were too much effort to get out.
'Mr Schue told us since we all ditched our Ballads last time to sing Lean On Me for… for you and Quinn we should have another go at it, keeping to pairs again.'
'Oh cool!' I tried to be as up beat as possible, hoping it might rub off on Kurt. 'So do you want to pair up together then? We were put together before but things are different, better now so it should be fun yeah?' I said smoothing down the back of my hair slightly. It felt weird. I must've sunk so far into my chair it had been messed up.
'Oh, I've already partnered with Tina. She told me she had an idea straight away for us two' Kurt said not trying to apologise in any way. Tina gave me an I'm-sorry smile and looked like she was going to say 'don't worry about it you can partner with Finn'.
There was no reason for that so I jumped in first, just because we're dating doesn't mean we have to partner with each other all the time, Tina and Artie don't so why should we? But this isn't right. Kurt is always so caring. Everything just seems such a bore to him today.
'Oh, alright then. It's good you two have ideas' I said smiling to Tina. She smiled back. As I went to walk off Tina caught me by the arm and gave me the look that I probably would have been giving if I weren't hiding my feelings from Kurt at that exact moment.
'I'll talk to you at lunch about that thing then yeah?' she said. I returned a look to her to tell her I'd noticed the same thing she had, agreed with her and smiled at Kurt. He smiled back a little then continued to talk to Tina.
Ok, well that's my plans shot. Now who was I gonna partner with? I looked around to see everyone paired up and leaving the choir room but one person…
Well that's just perfect… Puck.
Brilliant. How good this has turned out. This won't be awkward at all.
Puck caught my eye and slowly walked over to me with his hands in his pockets. 'Looks like it's me and you dude.' So dude is a word we can use with each other then. My surname plan was back on track.
'Looks like, any ideas on what song we can sing?' I said with a small, obviously awkward laugh.
'Not one man, no freaking clue.' The awkward was too much to bear. I could've sworn I could taste it but then that might just have been because lunch was in five minutes. I told Puck we'd have to have a think and get back to each other tomorrow, and bailed.
I then headed out to my locker to pack my books from the last few periods away and waited for Kurt and Mercedes to use theirs.
Twenty minutes passed before I decided they probably weren't coming to their lockers. I'd had enough of looking like a stalker and a loner at the same time, as well as looking like I was cruising.
I walked into the cafeteria to find Mercedes and Kurt sitting opposite each other on an empty table. My first instinct was to go over there and ask Kurt why he didn't use his locker, but then that seemed quite a clingy boyfriend thing to do. Then I realised their usual bubbly conversations and mannerisms were really subdued today. There were no loud laughs, flailing arms or random bars of songs being sung. They were just sitting there eating their food and talking really quietly.
Yeah, something is definitely up.
I collected my lunch; beef stew with wrinkly carrots and the tiniest pieces of broccoli ever and decided I could give sitting with them a try. Mercedes caught my eye as I started to walk over and gave me a small headshake with a don't-come-over look. She checked Kurt hadn't seen her and continued their conversation.
I decided to sit on Artie, Tina and Quinn's table to eat. We spent the next twenty minutes trying to think of a ballad that Mercedes could sing with Quinn. I can't believe how good friends those two have become; it's basically a role reversal from when they met. Mercedes is one of the most popular Cheerleaders who quit, which makes her even more popular, and the weight has been dropping off of her whereas Quinn is being slushied as much as the rest of us and is ballooning. Seriously how big can a baby be, is it inheriting Puck's ego in there too? Ooh that's quite funny! I'll remember that when Puck and I are arguing next. Although I don't want argue any time soon. Oh crap I've zoned out again.
So Quinn and Mercedes were toying between 'Don't Let Go' or 'Tears on My Pillow'. Either would be pretty good if they nailed it. Artie told me he and Matt are likely to decide on 'Stand By Me' because they don't have to sing it to each other. They can sing it with each other and it's not too straining on Matt's voice; he doesn't use it much so he's easing himself in. Tina said she's not telling what Kurt and her want to sing; it's apparently a surprise.
I hope it's a good one, with Kurt acting how he is at the moment I'm sort of worried.
Rachel rushed over to me excitedly outside school at the end of the day to tell me that she and Jesse were going to sing 'As'. That's a great song, but damn, everyone is so organised! I haven't even seen Puck since Glee practice, and I still haven't seen Kurt. If we haven't seen each other since first break we always meet up after school to catch up or go to one another's houses. But he was nowhere to be found. I waited a quarter of an hour still boyfriend-less and left for home.
Another two days passed of the same thing; I don't understand what's going on here. I mean we saw each other at lunch and Glee and other times, but we hadn't seeneach other, and contact was very brief and quite cold shoulder like. He even cried off coming over this week. He said he was a little ill but I can tell when Kurt's feeling unwell. His skin-care-moisturising-regime-thing helps with that, and trust me, he wasn't ill. I'm not sure I know how to explain what I mean, but it felt like something was different… and I didn't like it.
Thankfully Puck and I had decided to sing 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith, and we found we were both pretty comfortable performing it. The song meant we could sing a ballad together and it wouldn't mean anything, except that we both love Armageddon. Oh and Puck can still be a 'badass', I don't know about him but I'd rather have people who care about me than be a badass. But that's a small victory.
If there's anything I've learned these past few months it's that nothing is solved by just letting it lie. I had to talk to Kurt about this the next time I saw him. If something I'd done had upset him I needed to know, and if it was someone else it's nothing we couldn't handle together.
But I didn't see Kurt, not through all of Thursday. I didn't even have Glee practice to make sure we saw each other. He wasn't at his locker or lunch, and Mercedes has either become an amazing actress or really didn't know where he was. I don't think anyone can fake looking so concerned as she did though.
I decided to find out exactly what was going on after a Friday of Kurt absence. That makes a whole week of distant boyfriend. Kurt missing Glee club is like Kurt not moisturising or Kurt not looking after his hair. Basically, Kurt doesn't miss Glee club.
I headed round to the Hummel household straight from school on Friday. Burt let me in with a small smile; he seemed more subdued as well. If this reaches his dad too then this is deep. But what could it be?
I decided not to call to Kurt like I usually did and give him time to place himself in a situation he wanted me to see. I had to see the truth, not another one of Kurt's bravados… if that's the word.
I slowly opened the door to his room to find no one there. I headed back upstairs and hearing shuffles which I deduced to be Kurt, I walked towards a room I hadn't stepped foot into before.
I peeked through the crack in the door, being as quiet as I could. I saw Kurt sitting on the floor with his legs bent up and his chin rested on his knees with his hands wrapped around them. He was wearing his beloved white jeans with a dull red t-shirt and red and white shoes. Kurt's hair was strangely mussed and he wasn't immediately swiping a hand to his forehead to fix it. I noticed Kurt was sitting in front of a wooden dresser and had opened a couple of the drawers. He was just sitting there with his eyes closed. I could see from the way his back was moving that he was taking large, slow breaths.
It took me a second to take the situation in but then I remembered something that made this completely clear. When Kurt was helping me talk to the Fabrays about Quinn's pregnancy he mentioned about his mom's dresser; that it still smelt of her perfume…
God how could I forget about that? And I call myself a good boyfriend! This time of year must be something special to do with his mom or them as a family…
But that's one thing Kurt and I had never talked about, losing our parents. It wasn't something we'd consciously avoided, I never knew my dad to begin with so there's nothing much to talk about for me, but it's a topic that's just never come up… like elephants or windmills.
Kurt raised his head, placing his hands on the back of his collar and craning his neck upwards. He took a huge breath and exhaled through his mouth. He widened his eyes and I noticed they were extremely red and puffy. Oh God. He'd been crying, or was about to cry. I can't deal with this, seeing him so down and not knowing how to help, not knowing why.
'Kurt' I said as softly as possible opening the door halfway and taking a step into the room. 'I.. Uh-I don't know how to finish that sentence… but I can't stand seeing you like this'.
Kurt looked at me blankly and wiped his top lip with his hand. He looked straight back to the floor after.
'Then don't look at me.' he said sharper than anything I'd ever heard him say before. It completely threw me off. I took a large blink and tried again.
'But, I want to-I wanna help you Kurt.' I slowly started pacing over to him.
'Finn.' Kurt raised a palm to the dead space in front of him. 'I don't think this is something you can help with. Last I checked you don't have magic powers.' Kurt said still as sarcastic as before wiggling his fingers and placing his hand back where it was before. He's never like this with me, at least not without a smile and a laugh after it to show he was joking...
When I reached Kurt I slowly crouched down to sit next to him at the foot of the bed. I was going to reach for his hand but I decided against it. He wasn't exactly in the most touchy-feely mood at the moment.
'No, you're right, I don't have magic powers. But you helped me before with a situation that kind of… blew up in everyone's faces, and I don't want that to happen again' I looked over to Kurt and smiled, but he was too busy staring at the floor to see I was doing so.
'I know… but this is something between my father, myself and…' Kurt's speech trailed off as he ran his eyes up from the floor to the dresser.
'Your mother?' I asked as soft and unthreatening as possible.
Kurt's head swung round to me in his usual whiplash inducing fashion, he would have had a completely blank expression was it not for a slight twitch in his top lip.
'Yes, my mother' he replied looking back to the ground.
'Kurt, is this time of year something to do with her?' I was getting a response that wasn't a brick wall so I kept going, but I was cautious of prying too much and him shutting down again.
Kurt took a huge breath and looked back up to me. 'Yes it is'.
I'll settle for that for now. 'Is there any way I can help?' I placed my hand on Kurt's which was resting on his bent knee.
'I don't think so Finn' he said sliding his hand away from mine and placing it on the floor. 'Like I said, this is something between my father, my mother and I. I'd like it to stay that way, if you could respect that.'
I moved my hand away and tried again, I was getting somewhere, just very slowly. 'Its just been so difficult seeing you so distant and down lately'.
Kurt looked back over to me with a small frown. 'Well I'm sorry my sadness has bummed you out Finn, I'll be more careful of your feelings next time.' We're back to the sarcasm. I need to do something properly about this.
'Alright Kurt that's enough' I didn't raise my voice but I stopped softening it on purpose. I rotated myself so I was sitting in front of Kurt, between him and the dresser. I hoped he didn't think too much in to it, like me cutting him off from his mom or something like that. I just wanted to make sure he had to look at me.
'Finn just stop' Kurt said with a small exhale, trying to stifle a cry. 'Please.'
I took both of Kurt's hands in each of mine and placed both of our hands on his knees. 'Look me in the eyes... Kurt? Look me in the eyes and tell me you think I could ever be that insensitive.'
Kurt looked at me as I'd asked and for a second my heart stopped. I honestly thought when he separated his lips slightly he was going to say it. But he didn't… he just broke our gaze again with a sigh.
'Now I know you're upset. We all have things to deal with, some more than others, and granted no more than you. That's part of what makes you such an amazing person Kurt. You're strong with things, you fight them and you overcome them.' By this time Kurt had looked back into my eyes and I'd managed to keep his gaze.
'Finn a speech isn't going to solve this, it takes-' I cut Kurt off before he could stop me. I needed to get this out.
'What was it you said to me? Back when we were dealing with people not liking you and I being together? You told me that growing up being different made you stronger.' I squeezed Kurt's hands a little to keep his attention.
He responded, if you can call it that, by giving me a tiny nod, it was actually more of a head dip.
'Now I may not be able to help you with this particular situation, it's not as if I knowwhat you're going through, and you may not want me to help.' I gave Kurt a little smile. 'But I want to try… and just because you're different doesn't mean you have to be alone to do it.' Kurt tried to talk again; tears were beginning to form in his eyes. That wasn't my aim, but I wasn't finished.
'The one constant thing in you having to deal with all these problems is that you had to do it by yourself. You had the strength inside you to get through it…but you've got me now Kurt, you don't need to be strong anymore.' I felt Kurt's grip tighten on my right hand a little as he linked our fingers together. There was now a proper connection between us and I wasn't going to break that any time soon. Leaving my hand on his, I placed Kurt's hand on his shoulder with my other hand and closed the gap between us a little. I could see the tears rolling down Kurt's cheeks from this close up. I did all I could to stop myself from going the same way, that wouldn't exactly have helped my cause here.
'Finn, I don't know if this is something you can help with. This thing…it…it isn't the kind of problem that can be overcome or solved. It can't be changed. No amount of strength can beat it.' Kurt looked back down to the floor again shaking his head softly.
I caught Kurt's chin as he lowered his head and bought him back up to look me in the eyes again. 'You're wrong.'
Kurt frowned at me a little, his fringe overlapping his face slightly.
'You of all people have the strength to deal with this Kurt. Besides, you know how tall I am.' I said with a small chuckle. 'I've got enough strength for both of us.'
Kurt laughed slightly and looked up at me through his fringe. I brushed it to the side of his face to its usual place as he spoke to me. 'Being tall doesn't make you strong'.
'Well it does for me, just because I say so.' I smiled at Kurt and happily; he returned it through his tears.
Kurt smiled slightly more at me, I could tell I was getting somewhere here, he'd smiled, he'd laughed a little and he wasn't being sarcastic anymore. I was breaking through the wall.
'Now you know what I think? There are loads of these little tears everywhere. There's no problem with letting it out every now and again.' I said wiping Kurt's cheek
'But… I can't just open the floodgates to the world Finn, because if I do… they'll never close. Sure I cry every now and again at a song or when a certain memory is sparked, but its rarely a sad occasion and its rarely uncontrollable, its always shed a tear, get on with it. That's part of my strength training I guess.'
I took a beat to think and wiped another tear from Kurt's face.
'Ok then, lets compromise.' I said with a half smile removing my hands from Kurt and getting to my feet. I was met with a confused look. 'Lets agree we can be weak with each other. I'll use your saying; being different will make us stronger.' I held out my hand to help him get up.
Kurt looked up at me through tear filled eyes. He bit his bottom lip and nodded slightly. 'And you don't get much more different than us in this town' he said raising his eyebrows with a laugh-y exhale. Kurt reached out and took my hand with a smile. I kept his hand in mine as I gave him a tiny peck on the lips and went to guide us out of the room.
We got to the door when Kurt spoke up again.
'Hold on one second.' He said turning around and going back into the room. Kurt didn't let go of my hand until we ran out of arm to stretch towards each other with.
He walked back over to the dresser and took one large inhale with closed eyes, before slowly closing the two drawers he had opened before.
Kurt's completely right about not getting much more different than us, and not just because we're two guys in a relationship in Lima; the land intolerance built. We're basically complete opposites, but something, somewhere bought us together, and I'm so happy it did. He and I bring out the best in each other, and we're working to improve the rest. Pretty soon we'll be a force to be reckoned with and nothing will ever shake us.
Kurt walked back over to me and took my hand leading us out of the room, closing the door after him.