AN: I know I said I would have this up ages ago, and so I'm sorry. I got the idea for this when I was bored to death in math class. So instead of learning about logarithms, I wrote this. It can be viewed as a companion piece to Story of My Life, but doesn't have to be. It can be applied to the Harry Potter canon as well. Also, my friend, Solí, helped me edit the story and write Voldemort's part, so blame all insane weirdness on her. Set during the Order of the Pheonix. Rated T because it's about hell.

Disclaimer: Though you've probably figured it out by the fact that there is a disclaimer here, I do not own Harry Potter. Oh yeah, and the definition in the beginning comes from . (Aeri21 does not own either, and the Voldemort part isn't that weird. Oh, and I don't own any of this either. Seeing as I am Aeri21's imaginary soulmate. :) -Solí)

Order of people: Snape, Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, Luna, Harry, McGonagall, Draco, Ron, Tonks, Ginny, Molly, Voldemort, Arthur, Neville, Umbridge, Hermione.


1. the place or state of punishment of the wicked after death; the abode of evil and condemned spirits.

2. any place or state of torment or misery.

If hell is pain and torture and misery, then it's every past day for fourteen years. Living without Lily. Knowing you cause the death of the person you loved. Being alive when they are dead. Having to continue breathing.

Azkaban. Dementors. The stuff of nightmares - my nightmares. Being trapped in your worst memories - a personalized hell. And then being kept in ones own home, unable to help the Godson you were forced to abandon, knowing that he and his friends are out there, suffering, that people are fighting for their lives, and you are just sitting, like a coward, safely, in your house - that's hell.

Hell is every time you transform, knowing that you are surrendering control of your mind and body and are powerless to stop it. It's waking up and wondering if you have ruined another's life. Unsure if you have killed, maimed, torn apart families. It's being forever shunned from the rest of the world because you are something you can't help being. Knowing that being with the person you love might destroy them too. Throw in losing your best friends for good measure.

Watching your sister die in front of you, and knowing you're responsible, that's hell. Seeing the young man standing in front of you and knowing that in the end he must die, that because of the evil rooted in another he must pay the price. That his family lies dead because of it. That he will only suffer to end the evil, oblivious to the fact that, in the end, he must die. It's knowing that because you did not stop said evil in it's tracks many have died and many more will die before it is over - if ever.

What is hell, really? Is it just another figment of imagination, possibly caused by wrackspurts? I dunno. Maybe it's the world after the Rotfang conspiracy comes into play. Who knows? It's certainly not Earth now, with actual friends, and fun, and the possibility of finding a Crumple-Horned Snorkack soon.

Sometimes I feel like life is hell. When I'm with my supposed family, locked in a tiny cupboard without any nourishment. Having Voldemort in my head. I know that not everything in life is hell, but it feels like that. And I know that the suffering has only just begun. That there will be far more to go through before it is over. Hell is watching people die in front of you and knowing it's your fault. Understanding that it's not going to end for another eternity.

Hell is the b-witch who has taken over Hogwarts, etching words into the back of students' hands, imposing the Ministry's will upon us, suppressing our rights to free speech and press, "inspecting" us, keeping students woefully unprepared for life - and setting them up for death at the hands of the greatest evil known to the wizarding world. She who banishes the headmaster and puts herself in his place, who acts as if she rules the place, knowing we are powerless to stop her rampage of evil!

I've always emulated my father. But now the Dark Lord has returned and I'm not sure of anything, or anyone. I have power this year, more than any other year, yet for the first time my pathway is unsure. Because it is a Death Eater "tradition" to induct the most promising of the next generation into the group at sixteen, and give them a mission. That mission's like hell on Earth. I don't want to be a Death Eater. But I have no choice. Life is hell, isn't it?

I don't think there's ever really been a hell in my life. There's nothing to make me feel like it exists, either. I have a family, friends, and we're all happy. Right?

Does knowing the truth of what's going on and being forbidden from speaking it count? Because suppression of rights is up there...being under the Ministry's thumb in these times is pure torture. Also up there in hellish experiences is loving someone and knowing that they won't be with you because they are afraid of hurting you. Even though you feel it's worth the risk and more. Some people say that my ultra-clumsiness should make the list, but that's nowhere as extreme.

When I was possessed, it was like knowing that I was doing something wrong, that I was making bad things happen, and being unable to control that. If there was a hell, it would be that. I was hurting people all around me, including my best friends, and I couldn't do anything. It's also the pit in your stomach that stays with you, the guilt that always eats away at your innards.

Just thinking about the boggart makes me want to scream and run away. Take my family and move to Australia. Change my name to Monica Wilkins. Go somewhere where there is no war, nothing that looms like a constant threat over the world as we know it. And even as I think about it, I cannot. I know I will live in constant fear that the nightmare from hell will come true, and that the people I love will be ripped away from me, but I cannot run. Not now. Not ever.

I am, and will always be, a seriously misunderstood child who compulsively steals and lies because of my lack of parents. My mother must have been a really stupid, mugglish person to have died. After all, no one can die of heartbreak. That's the most stupid, mugglish way to die in the world. Way to protect me. And my father, bless his maggot-riddled (Mwahahaha, Riddle, get it?) scalp was the biggest Muggle I ever knew of. So where could my magic possibly have come from? My personal hell is not knowing who I am or why the hell I am here.

All I have to do in order to arrive in my personal hell is think of a snake. Generally, the snake that bit me while I was on guard duty for the Order. I know that I need to accept the risks of being there, but when one thinks about what might have happened to me, and to my family, it puts me in a world of horror. Hell exists on Earth - in the form of fear. Fear of loss. Loss of the people you love.

She's escaped. She's loose. The person who might as well have murdered my parents. Who tortured them and drove them insane to the point of no return. Evil, cruel, maniacal - Bellatrix Lestrange. Oh, I'm not scared she'll some after me. I want her to. I will get my revenge one day. But for right now, even though she never really touched me, she does indirectly. Every time I see my parents, I am reminded of the evil that lives in this world. It's my own little hell.

These pathetic, snivelling, stupid, dense children! And one Harry Potter who is determined to spout lies every time he opens his wretched mouth! He is also, apparently, unable to figure out when to stop. He's making my already dreadful time at this miserable school a living hell. He must be brought to heel before the damage to his peers becomes too much to control. The idiot boy from hell!

Is hell really Earth? Harry says probably. Because hell is what you think it is. And Voldemort's probably hell on Earth. I just don't want to believe it, because once we think that, we've lost - at least internally, however improbably mushy that sounds. Though I kind of agree with Harry that life can be hell. Hell on Earth. Who would've thought?

Did you think that the Voldemort part was weird? Yeah, so did I. Solí is a, so ignore her, OK? Also, she's my exsoulmate. And yeah, I don't own . I have a piece called Heaven on Earth drafted, so I'll post it based on reviews, depending on how people like this. I end with this thought...


Like it? Hate it? Constructive criticism appreciated.