Disclaimer: Yeah. I totally don't own.
AN: No excuse for this at all. The idea just hit me and I ran with it. Teeth is a real movie. It's horrifying but actually very entertaining. Watch with caution if you ever feel brave enough to watch it. Also be careful with this story. There are some rather torrid conversations lol. Hope you enjoy reviews are love!
It should be weird. This friendship Puck's got going with Kurt.
It began after the truth about Quinn's baby daddy came out. No one would look twice at Puck and Kurt had been the only one to offer a helping hand the day Finn had jumped him in the choir room. Puck had asked Kurt why he was helping him as the smaller boy cleaned the blood off his face in one of the school's restrooms.
Kurt had told him off for talking with a split and still bleeding lip before giving his explanation.
"You aren't the only one who messed up here. Quinn is just as much to blame as you are. And the rest of us were no better. We all knew about it and didn't do anything. Even though it really wasn't our place to get involved we should have done something other than worry about sectionals. And while Rachel's motives for telling the truth were wrong, she did the right thing."
"Fuck. I wanted to tell him. But Quinn- she was fucking stubborn. Finn didn't deserve all that baby drama shit. I never wanted to do that to him."
"I believe you," Kurt said, gently pressing a damp cloth to Puck's lip. "Once Finn calms down enough to talk, I know he will believe you too. You're best friends, Noah and Finn isn't the type to let a girl come between you, but it will take time."
"You really think he'll forgive me? I'm a douchebag."
"I know he will and you're not a douchebag anymore. I'd classify you more as a low grade jack ass which is a much better thing to be."
Puck allowed himself a small chuckle. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Because I haven't been slushied or dumpster tossed in weeks. And I know it was you that put the fear of God into the neanderthalic jocks. You did it after Tina almost sprained her ankle when she slipped in slushy."
Puck was at a loss. How did Kurt know so much about him?
"I pay attention, Noah."
"Huh? Did I say that out loud?"
Kurt snorted. "You need to work on your brain to mouth filter."
"Whatever, dude, but just so you know, it wasn't Tina that set me off."
"No?" Kurt asked curious as he dabbed at Puck's lip.
"Nope. It was when you got a concussion after Karofsky body checked you into the lockers. That kind of shit isn't cool. And anyway, we're all team mates now. We gotta look out for each other right?"
Kurt smiled warmly at him and Puck struggled to force down the lighter feeling in his chest it caused.
Their friendship had taken off fairly quickly after that day. Puck frequently found himself in Kurt's basement getting his ass served to him as they played various video games. Kurt even had old school Mortal Combat on his SNES. Who knew? These days they were obsessed with Mario Kart. Kurt more so than Puck because thanks to Puck losing a bet he was forced to be Princess Peach every time they played while Kurt chose Donkey Kong.
Puck discovered a great deal about Kurt Hummel in the past few months. One fact was that Kurt could take apart a car engine and put it back together again. (And no it wasn't hot seeing him bent over the hood of a '67 Impala. Not in the slightest.) Kurt had been teaching Puck as much as he could and Puck eventually landed a job at the Hummel's garage.
He also found out about Kurt's great love for The Legend of Zelda. "It's only the greatest game franchise in history, Noah. Plus, Link was totally hot in Twilight Princess."
Kurt could go on for ages about the different games and which ones were the best. "The first one I played was A Link to the Past, but my heart belongs to Ocarina of Time," Kurt had explained while hacking at chickens of all things in his favorite game. "They're cuccos, Noah, not chickens!"
Puck also discovered Kurt hated the Twilight books, loved to cook almost as much as he did and could twirls these fucking wicked looking things called sai.
So really, Puck should have figured out what was coming after all these revelations. It hit him suddenly one night when he and Kurt had fallen asleep on Kurt's couch after watching a movie. Puck had woken up to the other boy's head resting on his stomach and before Puck could stop himself he pushed Kurt's bangs back from his forehead. It was like a gong went off in his head as he ran his fingers through the counter tenor's soft locks. He was totally crushing hard on Kurt.A pathetic school girl crush that had Puck questioning his manhood.
It had been fairly easy to control at first but the more time spent with Kurt, the harder Puck seemed to fall. It didn't help that Kurt was fucking hot as hell and had an ass the Gods would praise -and don't get Puck started on Kurt's flexible limbs- he would totally cream in his pants if he thought on that too much.
All this confusion lead to this. It was a Saturday night and Puck was as usual over at Kurt's place. They were currently discussing preferred types of horror movies, as Kurt absently practiced the new dance moves for a Glee number. Apparently the sway of Kurt's hips short circuited Puck's brain because he blurted out this ridiculousness:
"I'm surprised they haven't made a horror movie about glory holes."
"I beg your pardon?" Kurt demanded as he stopped dancing and placed his hands on his hips.
"Glory holes, dude. "You do know what a glory hole is right? It's this hole in the wall at like a seedy club or something-"
"I know what it is you moron," Kurt snapped, interrupting his explanation. "I'm just not sure why anyone would make a movie about one."
"A horror movie, Hummel. Not just any old movie. A slasher flick."
Kurt merely looked at him as if saying, 'I can't believe I'm talking with this plebeian and would he stop if I stapled his mouth shut?' Puck took a moment to be a little horrified he could read Kurt so well.
"Okay. Listen up, princess, 'cause this is gonna win us an Omar."
"An Oscar, Noah. God, I can't believe I actually willingly partake in conversations with you."
Puck ignored the insult and continued. "An Oscar, then- whatever. So there's this gay bar in a small town in Montana-"
"A gay bar would be burnt down and its inhabitants lynched in Montana, Noah. Honestly if you're going to make this movie pitch to me at least research-"
"Dude, its Hollywood. They let people like Keanu Reeves star in movies. They'll take anything."
Kurt sighed. Puck did make a valid point…for once.
"Right. So here's the story. Gay bar in Montana-"
Kurt rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to object again.
"Jesus Kurt we can change the place!" Puck growled, irritated. "Okay, gay bar in San Francisco- tell me it's cliché and I'll take a torch to your closet," Puck threatened as Kurt snorted and threw Puck a look that screamed 'how original of you'. "Gay bar. San Francisco. The place has a glory hole. Stick your dick in there and you get either an ass or a mouth, right?"
Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose but gestured for Puck to continue.
"Well at this glory hole you get something different. You don't get an ass or a willing mouth you get AXED," Puck finished with a vicious chopping motion with of hand. "Awesome am I right? I don't know why there isn't a horror movie about dudes losing their junk. That scares me more than Freddie or Jason coming at me. I mean have you seen my guns?" he said flexing his arms. "They'd totally back off and leave me alone."
"You have a slight problem with your pitch," Kurt said trying to ignore Puck's ridiculously beautiful arms.
"Oh yeah? And what's that?"
"There already is a movie about men getting their…favorite appendage cut off."
"I shit you not, Noah. It's called Teeth. I watched it at Tina's place. And if I wasn't gay before that movie would have made me switch to dick so fast your balls would spin."
Puck couldn't help but laugh at Kurt's explanation and the other boy joined him.
"What's it about?" Puck asked, eventually.
Puck was nonplussed. "I'm sorry. I thought you just said 'vagina teeth,' but there is no fucking way a movie could be about that."
"Oh I assure you it is. It's about this girl who pretty much gets mauled by every chromosome lacking, hetero jack ass she knows. So when her girls parts figure out she's about to get non-consensually rammed by a gristle missile, it retaliates by biting said male genitalia off."
Puck stared at him as if Kurt was insane, which dude he totally fucking is! Who would make such a messed up and boner reducing movie?
It took Puck a moment to realize he said this out loud because Kurt was laughing at him and flicking on his laptop.
"Tina sent me a download of the movie. We can watch it if you want."
"Dude, there is no fucking way I'm gonna watch shit like that," Puck said, refusing to show his panic.
"Oh no. Is poor little Puckasaurus scared of the big, bad, toothy vagina?"
"Hell, yes!" Puck shouted. "And stop saying vagina. It's creeping me out."
Kurt fell into a fit of giggles that Puck refused to find really fucking adorable. (which it totally was.)
"Come on! Toughen up, Puckerman!" Kurt said, doing a freakishly dead on impression of Coach Sylvester. "I can't associate with someone who's balls are faker than a post-op transsexuals! Be a man would you?"
"Sweet Jesus. You have got to stop hanging out with Ms. Sylvester. " Puck demanded, horrified and (oh great homo shit fit) turned on by the huskier tone of Kurt's voice.
The countertenor merely succumbed to his giggles again and Puck sighed, "Fine then. We'll watch your hetero-sex damaging movie. But if it makes me gay you're the first one I'm coming after," he threatened, hoping to come off as intimidating.
'As fucking if', Puck thought and his mouth dropped when Kurt daintily replied with, "As long as I'm the one you're after and we're both coming," before snickering at Puck's expression.
An hour and a half later Puck is in shock and Kurt is unsuccessfully hiding his amusement.
"Holy mother fucking Jesus Christ!" The words exploded out of Puck's chest as he released the breath he had been unknowingly holding.
Kurt merely cackled with laughter and collapsed on his bed in a fit of giggles.
"Oh my God you should see your face!" Kurt managed to say through his mirth.
"She…it…his…dick…THE DOG ATE HIS DICK! DUDE WHAT THE HELL?"
Kurt could only wipe at his tears of laughter as Puck glared at him. "I can't believe you made me watch that, Kurt."
"Oh please, I didn't make you do anything. It's not my fault you're a masochist," Kurt replied as Puck's shaky legs led him to Kurt's bed, where he fell down beside him.
"Holy shit, dude. That movie was fucked up."
"Yes, but do you really blame her for doing what she did? Those guys needed to be taught a lesson. Maybe not so harshly but I think they deserved what they got."
"You seem disturbingly sure of that." Kurt just shrugged and Puck propped himself up on an elbow so he could look down at his friend.
"I just know what it's like I guess. Not having someone force themselves on me like that," he added hastily as Noah's eyes clouded with rage, "but I know how it feels to not be in control of a situation. There was never a lot I could do when I was being thrown in the dumpster everyday. If I was given an advantage in I wouldn't have hesitated to use it."
Puck was quiet for a moment as he stared at Kurt's distracting collar bone. "I'm sorry. For the dumpster tossing. It was a shitty thing to do," he said softly refusing to look Kurt in the eye.
He felt the other boy's hand on his cheek lifting his head. "It's okay. I forgave you a long time ago, Noah. But I appreciate the actual apology. Thank you."
Puck blinked. He still wasn't used to people being so…nice to him. It threw him a little and he wasn't sure what to say.
Kurt giggled again and said, "you don't have to say anything, Noah."
Puck groaned and dropped his head so it was resting against Kurt's shoulder. "I really need to stop talking out loud."
"I think it's rather adorable actually," Kurt fondly replied.
"Jesus…" Puck muttered. "I'm not gonna bother arguing that my badassness is anything but adorable with you, Kurt. I already know I'll never win."
"You're learning well young padawan," Kurt replied in a wise tone, patting the top of his head.
'Oh sweet shit,' Puck groaned to himself. 'He just made a Star Wars reference. He needs to stop making it so easy to like him this much.'
"What?" Kurt cried, sitting up and hitting Puck's head with his shoulder.
"Ow, Kurt," he said rubbing what was undoubtedly going to become a bruise on his skull. "What?" he asked as Kurt stared at him in shock.
"What?" the other boy demanded again. "Do you…Star Wars…What?"
'Oh shit did I say that out loud?'
"Yes!" Kurt cried. "And you said that out loud too. Brain/mouth, filter Noah!"
"I've been trying to work on it," Puck muttered. "S'just hard to concentrate around you."
Kurt seemed to come down from his panic. "You…you actually like me? As more…as more than a friend?"
Puck shrugged and looked away from Kurt. "I…I might possibly, sorta, kinda, have a small, little crush on you."
Kurt let out that musical giggle again and Puck felt the countertenor's hand on his cheek once more. "You can deny it all you want, Noah Puckerman but you are the sweetest thing in my world."
"I'm a badass I'm not swe-"
Puck was cut off by Kurt scoffing at him before pressing his lips against his in a soft, chaste but spine tingling, kiss (and Puck would go to his grave swearing he did not whimper when Kurt pulled away).
"I like you too you absolute idiot," Kurt told him fondly. "Why else do you think I would show you Teeth?"
Puck took a moment to bask in the revelation that Kurt liked him back-duh of course he does!- before he absorbed Kurt's words.
"Wait. You made me watch that movie because you thought it would make me gay for you?" Puck really didn't understand that logic.
"Well, not specifically gay for me, but I was hoping to put you off women. At least for a little bit."
"You're an evil, little bitch, Kurt. Anyone ever tell you that?" Puck asked flatly.
"I may have heard that somewhere else…once or twice." Kurt replied, patting Noah's cheek.
"I hate you." Puck grumbled.
"No you don't. You love me," Kurt breathed in a high(er), flirty voice.
I'll show you love, you smart ass," Puck growled as he grabbed Kurt's head and proceeded to give him a violent noogie.
"Ahh! Not the hair you ignoramus!" Kurt yelped as he squirmed, trying in vain to wiggle out of Puck's grip.
Puck merely laughed in triumph as he finally release the dishevelled counter tenor and smirked at his fly away hair.
"You are officially a douchebag again," Kurt snapped as he tried to salvage his destroyed hair style.
"No way, princess. You upgraded me from douche to jack ass months ago. Last time I checked I was only a jerk with the potential to level up to an okay guy."
Kurt full on glared at him which only turned Puck on instead of deterring him. "Well now you're demoted you douche. No one messes with the hair."
"You look hot with messy hair."
"Flattery will get you no where, Puckerman," Kurt said haughtily but Puck noticed the slight blush in the other boys porcelain cheeks.
"There must be something I can do to get my jerk status back. I was so close to being an okay guy," Puck said. "I'll do anything you want, princess," he murmured leaning in to kiss the side of Kurt's neck.
"Hmm…." Kurt pondered as he tilted his head to give Puck better access. "Well there is one thing you could do for me, Noah," he said conversationally as Puck licked and sucked his way up to Kurt's ear, "and I'd appreciate it so much that I'd upgrade you all the way to awesome boyfriend if you did it."
"Tell me, babe," Puck whispered as he nipped at the sensitive flesh behind Kurt's ear, smirking at the shiver the shook Kurt's lithe body.
Kurt turned his head so he could pull the jock into a hot, passionate kiss-all tongues and teeth and moans reverberating off the basement walls.
"I want you to take me…," Kurt sighed against his mouth before biting at Puck's lower lip, dragging a low groan from him.
"Oh hell, yes," Puck growled as he pushed Kurt down on to the bed.
"…to the mall so I can give you a much needed make over."
Puck felt like he had slammed into a brick wall. "Say what?" he demanded.
"And maybe dinner and a movie afterwards," Kurt finished. "I'm not that easy, sex shark. We're going on at least two or three dates before any cherry popping will occur."
Puck groaned and practically collapsed on top of Kurt, who didn't really seem to mind too much. "I should have figured you were a tease," he muttered into Kurt's designer shirt.
"Not a tease," Kurt said happily as he rubbed Noah's back. "Just not cheap."
Puck snorted. "Whatever. How about we make it two dates and we can sing an impromptu love duet in Glee that would put Rachel and Finn to shame?"
"I think that's doable," Kurt agreed.
"You're fucking doable," Puck muttered as he turned them over so that Kurt was sprawled out on top of him instead.
Kurt couldn't help but giggle helplessly at Puck's ridiculousness.
"You and your fucking giggling, babe." Puck said and rolled his eyes when Kurt laughed harder at him saying the word "giggling."
"You love it," Kurt said as he rested his head on Noah's chest.
Puck merely grunted but held Kurt tighter against his body.
"Hey, Noah?" Kurt asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
Puck sighed, "What?"
Kurt moved his head so he could whisper, hotly, "vagina teeth," in Puck's ear before dissolving into laughter at Puck's horrified expression.
'Oh God', he thought, 'what am I getting myself into?'
Puck sighed deeply as he said in tandem with Kurt, "Brain/mouth, filter, Noah."
Kurt just smiled sweetly at him and Noah didn't fight the light feeling in his chest as Kurt kissed him softly.
'Whatever it is, it's so going to be worth it,' he assured himself happily.
"Aw, Noah! That's so sweet!"
Puck let his head drop to the pillow.
Man, he really needs to work on that.