as told by four thirteen-year-old squirrels
Adam Lambert pulled out his trusty shovel as the sky, the sky of space, was reflected in his glossy, beautiful eyes. He twirled it above his head like a cheerleader's baton, and cried the traditional war cry of the Cherokee, and suddenly the Moon glowed like a nightlight in the middle of a night. "Moon Glam Powers!" he bellowed, and the Critic did a triple-take. "TO MEEEEEEE"
The Moon suddenly began to quake and shiver like an anthill during a tsunami. Seventeen thousand horns began to protrude from its various craters, and lightning began to course from them like innumerable antennae, drawing on the power of Adam Lambert. The Critic whined irritably as the energy, apparently having been hidden in the Moon this entire time, was about to be used on him in some horribly fabulous way. "Why!" he screamed. "Why did this power not choose meeee!"
"Because," Adam murmured, concentrating on the Moon's glorious glory, "because you were not pure of heart, Doug."
"How did you know my name!" the Critic wailed. He grasped his head and writhed around on the ground. "NO one can know. No one WILL know!" He then lapsed into a power-coma, exuding the aura of cinematic criticism into the airless atmosphere of the Moon. This energy clashed with the Moon Aura of Lambert, as it would have come to be known if the following sequence hadn't taken place, and the Moon began to twist and warp around itself like a pie in the oven. "Pies!" the Critic spasmed as he rolled around in the Moon dust, potentially breaking the fourth wall but then backing off at the last second. "Pies are all I have ever loved or known!" And with that, the divine power of the Nostalgia Critic made the Moon shine like a star, and it turned into a massive flaky embodiment of baked grain, sugar, and fruit. As the brilliance of this transformation completed, the Critic was flying in space, lifting the Moon above his head like it was no problem. "Ho ho! When the Moon hits your eye," he began, hurling it at Adam and Kris, "like a big pizza pie…"
"That's… amore?" Lambert cried as the Moon struck his eye, dealing significant damage. He fell back into space, temporarily losing his composure. Kris gasped and dove for Adam, seeing for the first time any kind of emotional flaw in his idol.
"Adam, no!" Kris's face was suddenly stained with the tears of thousands of unborn divine children. Starlight culminated around him, transforming his body and making his already devilishly pretty façade into a more personal and properly representory visage. Instead of his shaggy and uncouth short hair, there were shining blue streams of starlight, which glistened in the spacedew, attracting the energy of a billion suns across the galaxy. He caught Adam in his arms and shed three tears onto Adam's face.
"It's… it's so… so beautiful," Adam whispered, making Mars explode for some reason. Then, Adam was revived. He leapt into the abscess of the Moon, and unleashed his magical fury upon the heavens and onto the Earth, drawing the fragments of the Moon Pie back unto himself. "You shall be destroyed, Critic," he growled, suddenly imbued with divine fury, "by your own hand!"
The Critic sighed and shot the Moon Pie, which exploded. "Not that way, Lambert," he said with a smirk.
"Yes, that way!" Lambert cried, causing the fragments of the Moon Pie to burst into purple flames and converge on the Nostalgia Critic.
"No way!" said the Critic, shooting each of the pieces with amazing precision.
"Yes way!" said Adam, turning the shattered pieces of the Flaming Moon Pie into bombs.
"No way!" said the Critic, disarming each with almost no effort.
This went on for some time, and Kris became bored, and so he flew into the Sun to make it stop being so yellow. He made it into a more aesthetically appealing blue, which seemed to compliment the Earth nicely. "This is much better." He glanced over at the battle between his beloved and his greatest foe, which had reached a fever pitch with Adam's Missles Raining From Beyond the Space of Space attack, which was being met by the Nostalgia Critic's Gun of Gun-Gun Bi-GunGun technique. "Eh! I sense… a new force!"
Just then, the robber from the first chapter arose from hell, arms folded and his cashmere sweater still partially aflame. "Dohohohoho!" he laughed evilly. "This isn't the end, Lambert!" With that, the robber rushed at Adam, fist cocked back. "Let's dance!"
Adam gasped in realization, and stopped his final attack to replace it with another final attack. "I will counter with…! The Dance of the Trees!" He began to twist and spin back and forth, performing an interpretive dance that would have made even Barack Obama cry through the night.
"S-so… beautiful…" whispered the robber, who spontaneously exploded with the fury of ten billion nuclear bombs. The energy from this explosion was enough to make the Nostalgia Critic sigh in happy tearful retribution, and he and the robber descended into hell, hands linked by their pinkie fingers.
As the newly-blue sun rose on a brand new day, free of the tyranny of the Nostalgia Critic and his robber friend, Alex Alexton, Adam Lambert and his new lover, Kris Allen, rested against each other from their perch on the heavens.
"Hey, Adam," said Kris.
"What," said Adam.
"I'm hungry," said Kris.
Then they went to KFC.