Hey! Randomly occurred to me and I've never done a Merlin song fic before so I thought it would be fun. This is set after Arthur finds out about Merlin's magic and, though he says he won't tell anyone, he feels he can't trust Merlin anymore and has fired him, making him promise to stay out of his life. Merlin's POV.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I can't claim any ownership of Merlin or its associated characters. Lyrics are from Kelly Clarkson's 'Cry'. Not my usual type of music but I think it rocks all the same.

I'll always remember that look on his face.

Betrayal. Fear. Disappointment.

Though neither of us would ever admit it, we had become friends. And I kept this from him. I was thankful at first, that our friendship had prevented Arthur revealing my secret to everyone.

Now I think I'd rather face the flames.

People have noticed. Of course they have. They were so used to seeing us together. United.

Now it's odd to even see us in the same room.

But they can't know. No one will.

If anyone asks
I'll tell them we both just moved on

Gwen's reaction may have been the worst. When Arthur ordered me from his chambers and told me to never come back, she had been standing right by his door.

I still don't think they've spoken.

Arthur has sort of reverted back to how he used to be. Arrogant, spoiled, above everyone else.

If he isn't fighting, he's drinking.

Everyone assumes something happened between us. Something horrible that drove us apart.

It did.

When people all stare
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk

And now they blame me. They should, even if they don't know why.

They've lost their Prince. Their symbol of hope.

And it's all my fault.

It kills me to see him like this. Alone. Hurting. But I promised he would never have to listen to me again. He told me that all he could hear were lies.

Whenever I see you I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all

But this – it's killing us both.

Act like there's nothing wrong

Gaius worries about me. I don't eat or sleep much anymore.

My guilt prevents that.

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?

I just wish it had never happened. That he had never found out. That I had never lied. That we had never even met.

I just want to hide away from the world.

Escape the accusing glares.

Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

All I can do is stand by and watch, because I won't put him through that again. How many times had he nearly died because of me?

I've lost so much but losing him is more than I can take. He was my best friend.


Tears stain my pillow every night as I relive that moment. The day my world came crashing down.

If anyone asks
I'll tell them we just grew apart

Out of respect for his wishes, I lie. I keep up the charade that has become my life. Though I want nothing more than to face my own fate, tell the truth and let the world be damned, I can't.

I tell them he just became sick of my clumsiness, my laziness, my lack of respect.

I didn't tell them that he had almost killed me. I didn't tell them that I wanted to die.

What do I care if they believe me or not?
Whenever I feel, your memory is breaking my heart

When I think of how we used to be, friends, almost equals, despite our positions in life, it hurts so much to know I'll never have that kind of companionship again. And neither will he.

I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Why should I keep my word? How can I stand by? This path he's on will be the death of him and I know I'm the only one who could talk him round. End it and save him, once again.

But how can I bring myself to turn yet another promise into a lie? How can I betray him again?

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?

I can't watch but I can't look away. I see from a distance what he has become. I wish I could leave but I have to stay. My heart won't let me leave him though being here is tearing me apart.

Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

Too much damn loyalty. Too much to think of. How can one person be expected to carry this load. All I can feel is the weight on my shoulders. His life, my secret, my friends, our destiny, all bearing down on me and I can't get out. I can't let it go because he's my brother. He's the one I can't life without.


Tears don't do justice to the pain.

I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it

My terrible lies and vague half-truths, even worse than normal. No one is convinced. But neither of us will talk. Because we promised.

But how can I stay away?

Why won't this just all go away?

I watch him now. Stumbling, drunk. I watch him fall, powerless to help.

Power was something I was never lacking but now I think he's too far gone. It's too late for both of us now.

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?

And I've tried, I really have. But now the rain starts to fall and he still hasn't moved. I'm sorry, Arthur. I care too much.

Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

He's lighter than I expect. Thinner than he's ever been. Though he pushes me away, I have to stand firm. His arm around my shoulder, a sick parody of friendship, I bring him step-by-step closer to home.

After putting him to bed and hanging up his things, I reflect sadly on my last act of servitude. With one last glance at the sleeping Prince, I turn to leave, this time for good.



"Thank you."

Wow. Possibly the most depressing thing I've ever written. Please review!