Title - Is But Intoxication

Author – D M Evans

Disclaimer - Arakawa owns all
Rating - FRT

Characters/Pairings - Havoc, Hawkeye, Hughes, Mustang, implied Roy/Riza, Maes/Gracia

Timeline/Spoilers - no real spoilers, set early on in the series

Series - manga

Summary - He was capable of seducing the most beautiful woman in his world

Word Count - 1,775

Author's Note – this won third place at fma_fic_contest on LJ

"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication." - Lord Byron X X X

Sometimes there were real disadvantages to being Mustang's default driver, but tonight wasn't one of them. At first, Havoc grumbled to himself at getting a late night call to come pick Mustang up at a bar. Worse, when he got there, he saw Hughes had come out east for something. When those two got together, there was nothing but trouble and Mustang got even less done at the office. Hawkeye would be ripping the whole time Hughes was around.

It took all of thirty seconds to realize that the two officers needed more than just a ride. They were drunker than lords. Hughes kept breaking out into song. Mustang was red-faced from the booze and kept giggling like a wicked schoolboy. They made Havoc sit down for drinks, but they were too drunk to realize that he arranged with the waitress to give him water. Someone had to be sober enough to drive home, after all. If he wrecked a military car, he was done for.

The fun possibilities began when Hughes handed Havoc his wife's camera to take a few pictures of him and Mustang then forgot to get it back. After Mustang's deft handling of the waitress - how the hell did he do that while he was damn drunk? - and all the attention she and the other waitresses showered on the damn colonel, Havoc figured out, why not have fun with this? Mustang was drunk enough to make a real ass of himself with just a tiny bit of encouragement and Havoc would have one helluva story for the gang.

Somehow, a little push to see if Mustang could win the prettiest girl in the joint became a drive through town with the two drunk officers since, according to Mustang, the prettiest girl in the East wasn't in the bar. What Havoc hadn't expected was to end up outside a apartment complex just off base that still housed a fair number of soldiers. Even more unexpected, but completely delightful, Mustang was going to serenade said beautiful woman and Hughes was going to help. Havoc promised to wait in the car to chauffer Hughes back to the visiting officers' quarters. Apparently, Mustang planned on not needing Havoc's services.

"One more final picture. You can give it to her later." Yeah, one more blackmail photo, Havoc thought wryly, not that he'd ever do that really. Havoc got out from behind the wheel. Hughes and Mustang tottered back around, arms around each other's shoulders, though Mustang was nearly on his tiptoes to manage it. What the hell? Did he have Havoc's rifle? How did he get it out from where Havoc usually stashed it, the wily bastard? He took the picture anyhow, them mugging for the camera. Havoc wasn't sure Mustang was entirely walking under his own power and just what was the penalty if your commanding officer blew off his own foot with your gun?

Havoc watched them go. He lit up a cigarette and waited for the fireworks. He was fairly sure he knew who lived in this apartment and this should be great.


She thought she was dreaming. It wasn't as if she was immune to nightmares Since Ishbal, she had become the queen of them. Riza lifted her head off the pillow, listening. She had a row house apartment just off base. It was a hundred years old if it was a day and sometimes sounds from other apartments filtered through. Did someone have on a radio? No, it was far too late. All stations would be static by now. Who was singing? Badly? Wait, there were two singers.

Rolling out of bed and pulling on her robe, Riza listened carefully, contemplating the use of her revolver to ensure silence and a good night's rest. The singers' volume increased and that's when she recognized one of the voices.

"Oh, hell."

Riza bit back the desire to go to the back door and just head outside to shoot him. How dare Roy come here singing love songs? Well… maybe it was a love song. It was hard to tell with how badly it was mangled. Who did he have with him? Didn't he know how embarrassing this would be for her? How dangerous it was for the both of them?

Maybe she should just ignore him until he got bored. He could be outside singing to anyone. That was until he started calling her name. Great, that was Hughes with him. Just what she needed. Roy was always a handful. Adding Hughes to the mix only made it worse. Stalking to the door, gun in hand, she flung it open and pointed the weapon.

"Get in here and shut up."

They were barely able to navigate to her door. If they fell down, she was going to just leave them where they lay. Finally, smelling like a brewery, they staggered past her and into her living room. Why in the world did Roy have a rifle? More importantly, why did they looked so damn pleased with themselves?

"What in the hell do you think you're doing? Are you insane? You can't be here like this."

"Havoc said I couldn't woo the prettiest girl in the wor…damn, this is heavy." Roy unslung his gun and nearly toppled over, trying to put it on her couch.

Riza grabbed it from him, unloading it. She set it on the table.

"Prettiest girl in the world," Roy continued. "But I can and so I'm here."

She would have to pencil in killing Havoc on her calendar for putting Roy up to this. "You shouldn't be and you aren't going to woo anyone." Any other time she'd be flattered at being called the prettiest girl in the world. Hell, she'd get that warm tingling feeling where it counts, but a drunken serenade was not her idea of wooing.

"She is pretty when she's pissed, Roy boy. Not as pretty as my Gracia but who is?" Hughes slapped Roy on the back and the smaller man fell onto the couch. "Oops."

"And you." Riza jabbed a finger into his belly, completely ignoring Roy's flailing and wailing. "What would your wife say if she knew you were out drinking and acting like an idiot?"

He beamed. "Glad that I'm finally out of the house, having fun."

"And if she found out you were singing to another woman?"

Hughes pouted. "You wouldn't tell her, would you?"

"I'd like to forget tonight existed," Riza said as Roy finally righted himself.

He slinked back over, managing to get his arms around her. He could be fast when he wanted to be. He had so much whiskey in him, if he snapped she was sure there would be one giant fireball. "I had flowers for you, but I dropped them out the car window."

"Should have heard that old woman scream when he pulled up her flower bed." Hughes snickered.

Riza pinched the bridge of her nose, elbowing Roy to make him let go. "I don't even want to know."

"They were pretty. You would have been happy." Roy tried to capture her again, but nearly fell when she sidestepped him. Riza caught hold of his arm so he wouldn't end up in a heap and he twisted unexpectedly. He snuck in a whiskey-flavored kiss. Maes cheered.

"Roy!" She shoved him away as her neighbor pounded on the wall. "Hughes. Both of you are going back to the car right this instant. If Havoc put you up to this, he probably drove you."

"But I'm not done seducing," Roy protested, starting to unbutton his white shirt.

"You're more than done. You're dead if you don't march out to the car right now." She flung a hand toward the back door.

Roy's lower lip quivered at her, and Hughes said, "That's not nice. He sang for you."

"I'm going to strip you naked," Riza said and Roy's eyes lit up. How did drunken fingers get that many buttons open that fast? His chest and belly peeked out of the opened shirt. Do not look. That's too dangerous. "Tie you to the hood of the car and make Havoc drive a parade route if you don't go to the car voluntarily."

"She scares me," Hughes shuddered.

Roy embraced her again. "You are so mean, Riza." When he let her go, he somehow had her robe tie, leaving her robe gaping open to the nightgown underneath. The man had quick, light hands.

"Roy, give me that back."

He draped it around his neck. "Proof of my success."

"You failed," she reminded him sourly.

"Only you know that. The rest of them…" Roy flicked the end of the tie. "They'll know this."

Riza grabbed the ends of the tie. "I should strangle you now."

He gave her that cocky grin that could turn her knees weak if she let it. "You won't."

"You can't kill him," Maes said. "He's too amusing."

Riza rolled her eyes, pushing Roy away. He nearly ended up on his butt. "You won't even remember this in the morning. Guess that just leaves one thing to do. March, both of you, or it's naked on the car hood."

"Both of us?" Maes frowned.

"Do I need to cock the hammer?" Riza watched them slog toward the door, the perfect picture of dejection.


Havoc took another drag on his cigarette then let his arm dangle out the open window. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open. Damn it, that bastard of a colonel probably succeeded even with Hughes in tow. Havoc's eye shot open when something cold and metal touched just behind his ear.

"Any reason I shouldn't kill you for this?"

Oh hell, Hawkeye was pissed. "Wasn't my idea," Havoc babbled, twisting on the car seat. Her 'gun' turned out to be a silver lipstick container used for effect.

"Was too," Mustang said petulantly as he and Hughes got into the car.

"You will drive them home and forget this ever happened, Jean, if you know what's good for you," Hawkeye said.

He flicked the cigarette away, red sparkles arcing off of it. "Yes, ma'am. I was never here."

"I didn't think so."

Hawkeye left them and Havoc turned over the engine. This was all he needed. Hawkeye was going to ride him all week and not in a good way. In the back seat, Hughes and Mustang broke out into giggles. "Oy. What's so funny?" Havoc glanced into the rearview mirror as Mustang leaned over the seat, waving a robe tie, a huge smirk on his face.

Son of a bitch, the man won.