A/N: Written for the glee_angst_meme; the prompt: "Junior year. The Hummel-Hudson household is rocked by the fallout of an attempted suicide. Finn's."
26th of October
I don't think any of us really know what's going on.
Well, I mean, we all know what's going on. Finn tried to kill himself; we have been told that many times. It's just not sinking in yet. At least, it isn't for me; maybe it is for some people. Everyone keeps crying – Rachel and Kurt, mostly, but Quinn's also shed a few tears, and he'll never admit it, but Puck was bawling pretty hard when he got here. So maybe it's sunk in for them.
Finn's mom is sitting right next to me; she looks so sad and scared. I'm trying to hide my laptop from her, because I think if she sees how I'm documenting her son's suicide attempt... I don't know. I don't even know why I'm doing this; it feels a little disrespectful, but... I need some kind of record of what's happening. I don't know why; I've never been a diary writer. And it's not like Finn and I were particularly close.
Are. He's not dead yet.
That's not a cliché.
This cannot be happening. I know Finn Hudson; he's a pretty happy guy, despite some incredibly bad luck. I just can't believe he would... Quinn just whispered it was all her fault. Which seems irrational, because if it was her fault, I feel it would have happened a while ago.
However, the baby wasn't born that long ago, so who the fuck knows.
Nobody really seems to know how to respond to that. It's all awkward and quiet. Shit, Carol's–
So, that girl said she was writing up everything that's happening. I think we all should get a say on this. God, this is insane – Finn wouldn't really do this, would he?
Well, obviously, he has. How on Earth could he get into this kind of state without me noticing? While didn't I see something was up?
Fuck, I'm a terrible mother.
I think Puck–
Okay, so Quinn just said this was all her fault. And apparently Carol thinks that too. Well here I am saying: fuck. no.
I don't care what anyone else says, but I know Finn Hudson. And he is not a weak guy. If he's done this, then there is a fucking reason, way bigger than anything we know about. He did not try and off himself because of our drama, okay; he's better than that.
No, Rachel, I'm not crying!
So apparently, we're all writing up what's going on right not; what Finn did, if he's even going to...
I am so mad at him. How could he do this? Admittedly, he hasn't had the greatest year, but I thought things were good now. I was happy with him, and he seemed happy with me – he seemed happy with everything, everyone. When did he get smart enough to lie to us all that well?
If he was in that much trouble, why didn't he just tell me? I mean, he knew I loved him, right? I would have helped him however I could? He had to know that.
I am so scared. If he... no, I can't let that happen. Finn Hudson is my boyfriend and, whether he likes it or not, I will not let him die. I am going to figure out what's going on, why he did this, and I am going to stay here until I know he's going to be okay.
And when – when he wakes up, I am going to kick his ass for this.
I'm taking the computer from Rachel because she's crying too hard. I'm kind of worried she'll wreck the electronics.
Not that I can blame her, of course. If Tina tried anything like this, I think I'd just... God, this is insane. I mean, it's not like Finn Hudson is your average depression case. He was always our leader; he was one of the more optimistic ones among us – admittedly, not hard at points – so it's hard to understand why he'd be the one to say it's all too much. Admittedly, he's had some bad luck so far, but so has everyone here. I feel sorry for him, but I'm pissed.
Rachel, can I help you kick his ass (despite slight problems with the kicking)?
Thank you. Anyway, I don't really know what we're doing. I'm not sure we should all be outside the hospital room like this, but no-one seems able to bring themselves to leave. Or sleep. Which strikes me as kind of funny, given Finn did this by stealing his mom's sleeping pills – Brittany said it would have looked and worked better if he'd tried hanging himself. She's unsettling. And nooses are hard to tie.
Great, Mr. Schue is reading over my shoulder and looking worried. NO, MR. SCHUESTER. I AM NOT ABOUT TO HANG MYSELF. RELAX. THIS IS JUST THE KIND OF RANDOM STUFF I KNOW.
Thank you, Artie.
I'm not sure how appropriate it is that I'm even here, but his family haven't kicked me out yet, so that's that. We're all just waiting for the news; wanting to hear that things will change; that he's going to be okay. None of us know what we'll do if he's not. I sure as hell don't.
...Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for me to be as emotionally invested as I am, but what can you do, really? Finn Hudson is one of ours. One of my Glee club, and if he dies...
Fuck. This is impossible.
Isn't that a type of shoe?
Brittany, there are times when your idiocy is amusing, endearing and adorable. Now is not one of them.
Leave her alone, Hummel.
Hey, guys, have that fight in reality! You're not documenting anything.
Okay, kicked that off my laptop. Not sure what to say, really.
I found him.
Yeah, just stole this back from Tina – she was just letting it rest there; apparently she'd run out of things to say. Well I haven't.
I found him. In that guest room we cleared out for him; still as a log. That was no surprise, Finn sleeps like that, but – I couldn't yell him awake – Microsoft grammar check, stop telling me that's wrong. I couldn't shake him awake. He was... kind of cold; he wasn't breathing properly. I mean, he was breathing, but they were shallow, slow. I could see tear-marks on his face.
Then I saw the water and pill packet beside him.
It... this... It hurts; I feel like something's cutting up my insides. I think everyone else feels like that too, but right now the pain is just driving me insane. I keep thinking I should have noticed something, anything that could warn me he was about to do this. Fuck it, why did none of us notice anything? Me, Carole, Dad, Rachel, anyone who cared about him?
Fuck it, I'm talking like he's already dead. Which he's not. You're all very loudly insisting that.
Which isn't a cliché at all, is it?
Shut up, Kurt. You prefer we just give up hope?
God, Rachel, can we not fight right now? There are more important things to focus on.
I agree, but don't attack me.
…Whatever. I think I'll give this back to Tina now.
Just asked if we'd all be here again tomorrow. Everyone said yes. Look out for your next chapter.