29th of October

Puck

HUMMEL. DUDE.

Tina

Hey, don't steal my laptop! I always start these things. And what's – KURT. OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL?

Kurt

What?

Puck

Don't play dumb. We have eyes. And dude, I know you think I'm dumb and all, but I can read.

Kurt

That's surprising.

Tina

Kurt, cut it out. Why didn't you tell us earlier?

Puck

Um, everyone's staring. Explaining now?

Kurt

This is why we shouldn't just have all our conversations on a computer screen.

Tina

Hypocrite.

Rachel

Okay, now the situation has been explained to me and everyone else, I need to say – KURT, WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL US? DIDN'T YOU SEE QUINN AND SANTANA WORRIED ABOUT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS WHOLE SITUATION, AND SAYING HOW USEFUL A NOTE EXPLAINING THINGS WOULD BE?

And I apologize for the ugly aesthetic of the extended capitals, but I needed to get that sort of tone across, and I'd feel uncomfortable yelling in a hospital.

Kurt

Rachel, I'm sorry. But it's... hard.

Santana

So, will you actually show us that note now?

Kurt

I don't have it anymore.

Puck

Dude, from the look on your face, I so don't believe you.

Kurt

Well, good for you, because I'm lying.

Santana

...Then... Okay, now Mr. Schue is telling me to piss off.

Tina

Want to write that down? ...Because that's what we're doing; we're trying to cover what's going on on the computer screen. Why? I don't know.

Will

Alright, fine. Everyone: back off. Kurt: you don't have to tell us about the note if you don't want to.

Kurt

...No, it's fine. None of it's really personal, to me anyway, and it's all about stuff we more or less already know, so...

Artie

Okay, everyone's reading over the note and gasping and the like, and it's understandable, because Finn got really fucked up without any of us noticing – but anyway, I think I'll type it out for you here. Correcting his spelling and grammar as well, because it's Finn.

"So. Hey guys.

I know. This doesn't make any sense. I mean, it's me. Finn. Finn Hudson. I'm not depressed. I'm too stupid to be depressed, right? Ha ha.

Okay, I'm making myself sound a hell of a lot more angry than I am. Don't worry guys, this isn't your fault. This isn't one of those notes where I'm just like "YOU HAVE MURDERED ME, MURDERED ME, MURDERED ME," like the dude in that musical about Jesus Rachel made me watch.

I guess, I'm just trying to explain. You know, why I didn't. Because it's not going to make any sense to you all and I know it.

Okay, I don't really know when this started. I mean, I know it was there by the time babygate hit – but please, Quinn, Puck, don't blame yourselves. You guys are my friends now; I'm over it. Plus, it was sort of already lingering there, so we're cool.

It's just this... feeling, you know? This feeling that everything's wrong, that you're wrong, and you just can't stop it. I know, it doesn't make sense. I mean, things for me are pretty awesome, right? I have good friends. I have an amazing girlfriend – seriously, Rach, you rock. I love the family situation I'm in now, and we don't even have money issues or anything. So, only, I don't know why I feel like this and I'm just being a whiny piece of shit.

Seriously, it's not like I'm even a good person doing this. If you guys all have some kind of crazy dance party once you find out I'm dead, I so won't blame you. I mean, let's look at the history: most of you guys, I spent like, forever being one of those jock douches who made your lives hell. Puck, man, I spent like, half a year avoiding you and/or trying to make your life hell the best I could (which wasn't very good, so you probably didn't notice). Kurt – man, where do I even start with you? I was a dick to you for years. I really sucked at dealing with you liking me; just pretending nothing was going on and I hadn't noticed, and just hanging you out to dry. And then I totally flipped and was such an asshole to you; I mean, your dad had to kick me out, for Christ's sakes. And Rach... man, I am the worst boyfriend ever. Well, actually, I haven't been so bad dating you now, but before we actually got together... man I sucked. I mean, I led you on for months even though I was dating Quinn, when we were together the first time I dumped you for the sake of the reputation, and then I had the audiocity (was that the word?) to ask for you back? Why the hell did you go back to me, anyway?

Okay, yeah, I bet you're all thinking none of this was so bad, or that I'm taking things out of context, or you're just coming up with excuses for me. But you can stop now. I don't mind.

Anyway, Rachel, confession time, because I'm too much of a fucking coward to do this out loud. Sorry. I tried, like, when I was planning this so I wouldn't go with you still not knowing, but I'm a fucker so I couldn't bring myself to do it. So you get to hear – well, not hear, but you know what I mean – from this. I'm really sorry, Rach.

I lied to you. I mean, I lied just by leaving something out (there's a word for that, isn't there?), but I think it still counts.

I slept with someone, okay? Except for you, because, well, barring aliens wiping your memory or something you already knew I slept with you. I mean, I didn't do it while we were dating. But still – you thought I was a virgin, like you when we... I lied to you.

You know, I just figured out that Mom and like, my family in general will be reading this because, well, they're in my house and are going to be the ones to find it. Awkward. Still, my mom was cool when she thought I'd knocked Quinn up, so she should be okay with the idea of me having The Sex. Hopefully, they'll pass the message on to you... but they probably won't. Uh, maybe Kurt will?

Anyway, I'm not telling you who, because it's so not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong; she just wanted to get laid, and there's nothing wrong with that. I was the one who knew it was a bad idea, and I should have said no, but... I was dumb, and freaked out by my virgin status, and I wanted to make you jealous. So I did it. And I'm really, really sorry. And now, just walking around, knowing how much you trusted me – enough to, you know – and knowing that I don't deserve it? Come on, I couldn't do that.

Okay, this is all stupid and whiny and I'm sorry. Seriously, I've been like that for ages. I mean, it got kind of hilarious at our house – seeing the shit Kurt went through, stuff where he'd really actually seem to need people, but nope, he's fine. And there I am, feeling like shit about... actually, no idea what. It was pathetic, really.

So, uh, I guess that's that then. Not really sure how to finish this off. Sucks.

Anyway, bye. I love you all, try not to be too pissed at me

- Finn."

...And I guess that's that then.

Tina

now bpuckj is breaking things and i'm trying tokeep my lsaptop safe; hencethe typos.

Artie

He's stopped, it's safe.

Tina

And now he's yelling at Quinn.

Artie

Rough transcript, 'cause no-one'll write this down:

Puck: You were right all along–
Quinn: Puck–
Puck: We were idiots, we started this–
Quinn: Puck, he said–
Puck: Don't tell me what he said! It started with us and it's our fault; we let this–
Kurt: PUCK, SHUT UP

Tina

Cue awkward silence.

Will

Guys, cut it out.

Artie

We're just trying to get the story, Mr. Schue.

Quinn

I'm going to say something here. You know how I was blaming myself before? To hell with that. I mean, obviously what I did affected things. But I was one factor out of many, and clearly the problem was there before and after I was fucking him over. Finn needed help, and I really wasn't, but I'm not going to say I was what pushed him over the edge.

Will

None of us were, Quinn; that's the way depression works.

Tina

Puck? You want to say something? Preferably without destroying my laptop in the process.

Puck

Fine. You wanna know something? You're all kidding yourselves. Thinking like everything he said up there means it's no-one's fault in particular, so it's no-one's fault. Dude, it's everyone's fault – did you not hear? Me, Quinn, 'Tana, Berry, Hummel: we all fucked him over. You guys can stay in LaLa land as long as you like, but I'm through.

Kurt

And now he's storming out. And I thought I was melodramatic.

Tina

He's wrong. Speaking of which, Kurt, from my interpretation of the note – why is this killing you? What did you do that was so wrong? ...And I'm asking this on the screen because I think it'll be easier to answer honestly.

Kurt

Isn't it obvious? He needed help. He needed help from our family more than anything. But I was so caught up with my issues; whining about them when really, I was fine. I got everyone else caught up with them too, and you know Finn, he'd never be able to say when he was struggling. Especially if he didn't even know why. He needed someone and thanks to me, no-one was there.

Tina

Kurt! This isn't your fault. Your life really sucks a lot of the time, and it's okay if you complain about that. Yes, Finn needed help and he probably doesn't get it, but that has nothing to do with you – more than one person can have problems at any one time, Kurt. Speaking of which, how was anyone meant to tell how bad off he was in the first place? Even the people who avoid you when they can didn't notice anything, like Rachel there. This is not your fault.

Santana

Okay, I'm totally cutting in, but I don't actually care, so I'm just gonna say: the way I see it, he asked us not to blame ourselves. So I'm not going to. That simple.

Tina

...That's actually a really good mission statement, Santana.

Artie

You know, we should probably leave and like, go to school. This is the fourth day; we can't get away with this forever.

Will

I've already called in sick. Can you even get to school on time?

Artie

It's only like, quarter past seven. Easy.

Will

...I always forget that you don't need to be there as early as I do.

Tina

Most of the time you're late anyway, Mr. Schue.

Rachel

But what if he wakes up and he's alone? ..."Has he woken up in the last three days?" Thanks for cheering me up, Artie.

Will

Well, I'll still be here. And why are we not having this conversation in reality?

Kurt

Because everyone's given up on acting normally, and trying to resist the pull of the document is considered evidence of emotional instability. I should probably stay too, as representative of family.

Rachel

I want to stay with him.

Kurt

Then stay.