The genesis of Discworld rugby
A/N: This is going to be one short drabble on the subject of Discworld rugby, in you guessed it, Llamedos, however the holy trees are now holy stones, as two rugby post shaped trees would be very unlikely, even on the Discworld. I blame the contemporary accounts myself ;).
110 years before the present, Missionary Convert, or rather Convert-the-unbeliever-by-persistence-and-cunning-arguments, looked out over the vista of rolling hills, or he would have done if he could have seen through the unending light drizzle which was the warm up act for the celebrity storms, including the new one down from Lancre (1). Back in Omnia he had been regarded as dangerously ambitious and unusually zealous in his application of doctrine, so his superiors in the church had sent him to convert the obstinate druids, reasoning it was a win-win situation as one side would have to crack eventually. He raised his hood and soldiered on. He had heathens to convert. The main problem with Convert was that he had a rare and magically influenced disease, Webb-Ellis's syndrome, which meant he only weighed 1.5 kilos and had to have ballast attached at all times, since if thrown or kicked he went flying, and it was this, as well as his very short and ovular shape that prevented a speedy rise through the ecclesiastical ranks. As it was he tried to prevent a speedy rise when hit with sufficient force. Convert missionaried on (2), and spotted a bunch of druids, about 30 if he was any judge. Which he was, and he would have been jury and executioner as well if the upper ranks of the clergy hadn't ruled strongly against pluralism in the church. He marched on, occasionally floating through an impromptu pond. As he approached the Druids, he got out the latest ecclesiastical device, widely used for training men for marriage, the luluwailer, which had been invented in Howandaland and had become immensely popular at sports games disc over, causing Lord Vetinari to issue an edict saying that any use of the instruments would be treated as an act of demarcation against the Guild of Musicians.
When he reached them, he interrupted what he assumed to be a discussion about heathen worship (3) and declared, "Have you heard the word of Om?"
The looks he got would have made many a man wet his pants, and one short, fat but deceptively strong druid by the name of Harry Ogg (4) said, "Which one, firrre?"
And just as Convert was about to launch into a diatribe against stereotypes of the church of Om, the youngest druid, William Llewellyn Webb-Ellis, was hit by a particle of inspiration that compelled him to kick, and kick hard. And that was the last Convert knew in this vale of tears, as his trajectory sent him straight into a wall of hard llamedosian granite.
Convert stood up, then looked down. His body was being placed on a small divot in the ground. He watched, silent, as his mortal shell was kicked straight between the two highest uprights of the nearer quintilithon (5). He turned and looked up at the Ultimate Reality, or more accurately, the Ultimate Realities chin.
AT LEAST YOU MADE THEM HAPPY, Death said in an awkward attempt at consolation.
And with that, Missionary Convert went to Heaven, which was not quite what he expected.
(1) This storm was mentioned in Wyrd Sisters, where it regards the witches as connoisseurs.
(2) No sniggering at the back.
(3) It was actually a discussion about the failings of young people today. Most druids were middle aged except for one who was just out of training and maintained an uneasy silence.
(4) Ogg's get everywhere.
(5) 5 stones instead of three.
A/N: Missionary convert was shorter than most dwarves though was a 6 footer in mindless religious zeal.