Author: A.J. Hofacre
Summary: A little speculation on what's going through Spike's head with the return of a certain captain... sort of a spoiler for "As You Were." Just a short little thing that I felt I needed to write.
Disclaimer:The words 'NOT MINE' should cover it.
Son of a bleedin' bitch.
I shouldn't be surprised. No, really, I should've known better. Stupid nice peaceful lapse in his goddamn town, stupid bitch for givin' me any sort of attention whatsoever, FUCK ME for becoming such a goddamn poncy git! I should've KNOWN it wouldn't last.
I shouldn't have gotten so comfortable with the way things were. For fuck's sake, Red lost control of her magic, those three pussy wankers decided to "take over" Sunnyhell, Buffy came back... My Nibblet's been a little kleptomaniac, and I don't fucking commend her for it! In fact, if anything, I didn't even know she was stealing shit, and I'm DISAPPOINTED in her for it! I'm turning into such a bloody poofter, I swear.
An' now this.
Princess's bleedin' Knight in shinin' armor is back. No doubt she ran straight into his arms the second she saw him, didn't give it another thought. Just so fuckin' happy to see him, wasn't she? Pfft. Not like I actually thought she'd care what I think about it.
I know she's been usin' me.
I'm not stupid. I have a bloody gift for bein' insightful an' perceptive an' sod all else. I can see it every time I look at her. She just wants me for the way I fuck her. She doesn't give a damn whether I love her or not. That's the way it is.
And yeh, if I'm truthful to myself (which I always am), I know that I've been kinda using her, too. Only I'm usin' her for the chance to be close to her. She's the one who throws herself at me whenever she can't stand bein' alive anymore, an' I take the chance. I figure, hey, if this is gonna be the only way she'll ever let me touch her again, even if she ends this stupid thing tomorrow, then I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure she never forgets it.
I don't wanna go down without a fight.
Which is pretty stupid of me since one, I've still got the tin hardware in my head and two, she doesn't care. It's times like this I wish to God – well, no, not to God, he wouldn't listen to me, but I wish to SOMEONE that I had killed her when I had the chance, or she had killed me. Anything's better than goin' through each day, knowin' she doesn't give a fuck for my feelin's an' is just usin' me for sex. Bloody marvelous sex, but still. She's usin' me.
This shit is killin' me.
What the hell does she SEE in him? What the FUCK does he have that I don't? And don't even bloody think of sayin' a soul, because to me, a soul is a lie. I don't think vampires ever lose their souls. I think the demon just takes over so much, that the soul gets pushed way to the back an' buried. My Sire's full of shit, he is. Stupid poofter.
Fuck, this hurts.
If nothin' else, I just want some sort of indication that, maybe, for a smidge, she cared. She cared about me as much as I care about her. Apparently, though, by the way she treats me when I'm NOT makin' her come ten times in one night, I don't even matter enough to her to be dusted by her stupid, silly Mr. Pointy.
I wonder if it would hurt if Buffy tore my heart out of my chest and staked it in front of me.
If I ever find that pussy-faced shithead that keeps screwin' up my life, an' threw the stupid bint's ex back in my face... Let's just say Angelus would be scared of what I'd do. *
*If you haven't guessed, this is my own opinion of Joss Whedon, except with more Spike-isms. I boycott if she goes running back to the fish.