All's Fair

Authored By: SeeMeInTheShadows

Romance/Humor

Summary: Sometimes love is a little less on the legal side of the law… Jeremy/Aelita.

Paring: Aelita/Jeremy

A/N: You might notice some similarities between this and my other story, Hostage Situation. This is basically because they were both inspired by the same conversation on Xana's Lair that I mentioned in my author's note for that story. Also, this is humor. But I prefer my type of humor to be a bit…uncrackish. Chances are you won't laugh the whole story, I'm sorry, that's how the cookie crumbles. If you do, that's amazing. Props to anyone who catches the quick Airplane! reference.

Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to this story, or even the entire idea. I also do not condone the actions that Jeremy and Aelita took (even though I wrote it). I also don't know how a therapy session would go for this type of thing, so I took some creative liberties.


"So Mr. Belpois, what are you here for."

"You know why, and I don't. So why are you asking?"

"Yes, but part of the treatment is to admit it to yourself. You're still in denial. Usually just coming here is enough, but from what I can see from your file, a friend suggested you come here?"

"He tied me and my wife up, pushed us into his car, took our cell phones, drove here, pushed us out, and drove away. We got into the building. I told the receptionist our names, and she rushed as back here. If that's what you call suggesting, then yes, he did suggest we come here."

"And why did he decide you needed to come here?"

"I don't know, he's crazy, you can't trust a thing he says. He tied me and my wife up. This is kidnapping. You're probably an accomplice! And this is probably his idea of a "

"You can tell me, I'm a doctor."

"You're a criminal! And my friend is a criminal too!"

"Relax, sir. I'm sure he only had your welfare in mind. My name is Dr. Renard and I'm here to help you, Mr. Belpois."

"And you could easily also be Mr. Hyde. And I doubt he has my welfare in mind."

"You don't trust doctors, do you?"

"I trust doctors. My mom was a doctor. I don't trust shrinks."

"You think I'm a shrink, Mr. Belpois?"

"Would saying yes be too obvious?"

"I understand that you don't trust me, Mr. Belpois. And that you believe that I condone a "kidnapping" as you so tactfully put. I think that you need to open up more and stop blaming your friends for your failures or when they try to help. Now believe me, I want to get this over with, and my lunch break is in an hour. My colleague is questioning your wife, and if this all successful, we'll even let you call a cab."

"You do realize that after this talk is over, I'm going to have to wipe your memory, right?"

"Yes-wait! What?"

"Well, you see, I found the return to the past program on the supercomputer and made it so certain key points, like the fact that you forget what had happened, exist. It's sort of like Men in Black, I trust you've seen that. Me and wife rented it on our honeymoon. Oh, and I don't know what this conversation is going to be about, but chances are you're not going to understand and chances are, I'm not going to care about that. I have reservations for a restaurant in two hours, and I'd hate to be late, and I can't take all my time to explain things. Now why don't you prompt me? I still don't know what this is about."

The doctor looked speechless, but cleared her throat, picked of the file, and said, "I have here that you need one on one analysis of you're relationship with your wife, to be sent to a Mr. Odd Della Robbia, a Mr. Stern, and a Mrs. Ishiyama."

Jeremy groaned and looked mad. "I'm going to kill them." Then, realizing that there was no point in getting angry (until his friends were present), he cracked his knuckles and began the story.


"At this point, ma'am, my husband has probably given your colleague the same talk about the whole memory thing that I gave you. Though it was probably meaner than the one I gave you. He's been wanting to go to that restaurant for a while. Now you said this is about my husband?"

"Yes, Mrs. Belpois," a scared looking doctor replied.

"Well, why don't you go ahead and ask a question, Dr. Aucoin?"

"Umm…well, if you could describe your family and relationship with Mr. Belpois-Jeremy, which word would you use."

Aelita seemed to think about it for a while. The doctor could practically see the dictionary in her patient's head working going through all the possible adjectives. Finally, Aelita closed her eyes, opened them again, and looked at the doctor.

"I'd probably say…dysfunctional."


"Dysfunctional, why would you say that?"

"Well, it's the whole fact that she's ten years older than me, was trapped in a computer, in fact, the first year we knew each other I thought she was an AI. I didn't even know her name, I called her Maya. Then it turned out she was real! And we fought a computer program together. And of course, there's how we got together, you wouldn't want to leave that out, would we Dr. Jekyll?" he said, rather coolly.

"Um, Dr. Jekyll was the good person, wasn't he? And either way, that's not my name."

"I know that! But underneath you're hiding a much worse person and he's just itching to get out. I can see it," Jeremy said, pointing to his eyes and then to the doctor.

"Dr. Jekyll" groaned and suddenly wished he was with this man's wife, though judging by the man himself, it probably wasn't much better.

"So, what's dysfunctional about how you got together?"

"It was Odd's fault at first," Aelita said. "Well, I think so at least."

"Isn't he the man who you claimed to have kidnapped you?"

"Tying someone up and dropping them off outside a counseling facility without cell phones is kidnapping. So I'm not claiming anything, I'm telling you. And yes, he is."

"So what did this Odd Della Robbia do?"

"Well, you see, when my friends got me from the virtual world I was living on, we didn't really think it through to well, so I didn't have any family or anything, I just sort of appeared. So I became Odd's cousin."

"And this worked?"

"It was a big family. We faked letters of recommendation from his parents along with a birth certificate. It all worked out pretty well."

"And then what happened?"


"Well, Aelita's pretty smart. So Delmas told Odd's parents about her amazing grades and how smart she was. He said that she was getting the academic scholarship for the next year."

"And they didn't know about Aelita, did they. So they were surprised. So what happened?"

"They played it cool. And then told Odd's something along the lines of 'if you can fake that you have a cousin without telling us, then you should be just fine if she comes to the family reunion.'"

"And Odd told you this?"

"Obviously."

"And how did you react."

"Well, at first I thought he was talking about a different cousin and was just upset because he didn't like her or something, so I was sort of put off that I didn't win the scholarship again, but then he told me it was Aelita. So that was okay."

"And she went to the reunion?"

"Yes, but you see, that was where the whole thing started. I didn't really think it was a problem, so I asked him what the matter was.

"And what did he say?"

"Well, Odd's exact words were 'do you want Aelita to lose all faith in humanity?'."

"And you said 'no', right?"

"Of course I did! And then he said, 'Then this is a problem.' But she eventually went to the reunion."

"That doesn't explain how this started."

"Well, you see, Odd blamed me for not thinking how Aelita might get into this spot with his family and I thought she would blend in well enough and that I was the reason that we were in this mess."

"And he's the only one in this friendship that's ever blamed anybody ever without the facts to back it up."

"Yes, he did kidnap me. But the point is, he told me that I can control Aelita's identity at the touch of a button."


"Did he ever use this against you?"

"Well, not really. But that was usually hacking. I mean, we always got seats next to each other on airplanes somehow, though sometimes there were close calls."

"Like what?"

"Once we supposed to be a whole aisle apart!"

"Did you do anything about this?"

"Well, I might have hacked into the airlines computer and changed the seating arrangements a few times."

"Uh huh."


"So, aside from the airline thing, did you use this to your advantage on anything else?"

"Not really. Mostly small things. For a while, at least."

"When did the mostly small things stop?"

"Well, we were about to graduate from school."

"And," the doctor prompted.

"Well, Aelita and I were going to be separated. And I just couldn't have that. Because, well, we had never really gotten together and I really liked her."

"So what did you do," the doctor sighed, "did you kidnap her, hold your friends hostage."

"Well," Jeremy went on seriously, "I considered those. I also thought about hypnosis, but the patient has to be willing, you see, and if she was willing to be hypnotized to go with me to college, well, then we wouldn't need hypnosis."

"So what did you do?"

"I learned how to picklock from one of my friends, and checked her mail everyday. I had decided that I would steal any letter from a college she got into that I didn't apply for."

"Did this work? And how would you know whether or not she got in?"

"Of course she would get in. She's almost as smart as I am, and I've been getting college recruits looking for me since third grade."

"Really?"

"No. But they could have been and it probably would have been the same result."

"Ah, but you didn't answer my other question. Did it work?"

"It didn't need to," Jeremy said, shrugging. "Somehow, she had applied to the same colleges I did."


"How did you and Jeremy apply for the same colleges? Or rather, who did what in this?"

"Well," Aelita said, cleaning underneath her nails with a mechanical pencils, "it was easy. I found out which colleges' websites Jeremy had been looking at and how long he spent at each one. You can find out a lot using spyware."

"You installed spyware on his computer?"

"Yeah. And if you know where to look, you can get some pretty good spy equipment and gear on the internet, so it wasn't hard to find out which colleges he was actually serious about applying for."

"So you spied on your friend who wasn't even your boyfriend at this time, just so you could be sure you would get into the same college?"

"Yeah," Aelita said, now messing with her metallic bracelet, trying to see her reflection. "Why, is there something wrong with that?"

"Did you even bother to ask him what colleges he wanted to go to or got into?"

"No, not really. It didn't seem that important at the time."

"Then yes, there is something very wrong with that."


"So you don't know how she got to be in all the same colleges as you?"

"Nope. I guess great minds think alike."

At this point, the doctor was watching the clock. He just had to get threw this one interview, and he was free to go on lunch break. It was supposed to be an easy day. But no, this guy and his wife had to be dropped off. He sighed. If this man was sure that his wife thought like him, at least Aucoin would understand his dilemma.

He sighed and decided to get this over with. "So, when did you first get together?"


"Well, first, he proposed to me."

"No, Mrs. Belpois. I mean, when did you start actually dating or going out? We'll get to the proposal story, don't worry."

"Well, that's just the thing, Dr. Aucoin. We didn't go out first, he just told me to marry him."

"Told?"


"Well, you see. I had known her for years. I helped her become human. I was there when she needed someone. The Della Robbias became her family, Odd was practically her cousin, maybe big brother. Ulrich was definitely a big brother figure in her life. Yumi was her best friend. And I was just a bit of everything, but that's what worked."

"So how did you tell her?"

"Oh, that's easy. You see, this is where it's Odd fault. You know how I told you that he told me that I could control Aelita's identity with a touch of a button?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Well, so I decided to truly use that to my advantage."

"What did you say to propose to her or whatever you did? In fact, just tell me the exact words, unless you wrote a book, because I really need to get out of here."

"Aelita, marry me or I'll take away your identity!"


"And you agreed to marry this psycho?"

"Excuse me, this psycho was my husband. And it beats me plan. I was going to rob a bank and use the money to set up a hit on him. I would hire someone to kidnap him and bring him to me. There, I would force him to agree to marry me. I was sort of nervous, because people tend to look down on that form of preparing for their wedding. He just made things a lot easier."

"He blackmailed you, and you were about to kidnap him!"

"Well, thinking back, I actually kidnapped him, but he didn't realize that he was being kidnapped yet. And on our way there, he blackmailed me, which let me call off the whole kidnapping operation."

The doctor looked at her.

Aelita shrugged and politely smiled. "Blackmail is a form of love too."


"Okay, Mr. Belpois, let's just skip to the wedding. I think I've heard enough."

"Well, Aelita was careful to make sure that I said 'I do' and not 'I don't.'"

"What did she do?"

"Well, she hired some guards meant to kill if I ran away. It gave my great aunt quite a scare when she went to the restroom and they mistook her for me."

"She was going to kill you?"

"Yeah," Jeremy said nonchalantly. "But I had snuck my knife in, and I even took knife throwing classes, so it was alright. Now that I think about it though, I think Aelita did too. The priest wasn't that happy though. Apparently he's just not been in enough weddings to understand the finer points. Poor Yumi actually got a concussion at the wedding."

"How did she do that?"

"Well, either me or Aelita- I can't remember which one of us- set up some lasers so we couldn't leave out the doors until the keywords were said. Yumi's tall, and while avoiding the laser- since we told our guests about as many of the security measures as we could- she was avoiding the laser but crashed into the wall. So unfortunate."

"So you set up lasers?"

"Yes."

"And held each other at knifepoint."

"Yes."

The doctor got up and walked away.


Jeremy and Aelita met in the hall and smiled at each other lovingly. They took the other's hands, and acted as married couples should, not the complete lunatics the doctors had just talked to. They smiled again and walked out the door. And the doctors breathed a sigh of relief.


"Darn it!" Jeremy exclaimed as he and Aelita drove away.

"What is it?" Aelita asked.

"We forgot to wipe their memories."

Aelita kept driving while she turned to her husband and shrugged. "I don't think they'll tell anyone."

"I doubt it. Not unless if they want to end up in a mental hospital themselves."

"You know what, Jeremy."

"What, Aelita?"

"I really feel as if that helped. I don't know why, but maybe talking about it with someone was a pretty good idea."

Jeremy nodded.


The two doctors stood side beside as they wished their (hopefully one time) patients goodbye. Their smiles were a little too forced with kindness, but their eagerness for the couple to leave was sincere. Dr. Renard was out a car, since in his haste to get the two lovebirds out of his sight, he had given it to them before they could call a cab. He also had arranged a place they could drop it off far away from his house because the last thing he wanted was for the two to know where he lived.

"Could you do anything for them?" Dr. Aucoin asked.

"No they're out of my level. I can't do anything for them."

"I know, they're completely insane."

"Completely."


And they made it to their lunch reservations on time.


A/N: Again, props if you caught the quick Airplane! reference. Please, please, please review. Because you know you want to! Also, if you noticed something wrong and want to tell me, go ahead. I take Concrit, and since I generally don't write in either of these categories and especially not this pairing, I might need some.

-SeeMeInTheShadows