I heard a song by Greg Laswell called "I'd Be Blind" and it just hit me how perfect it was for Spock/Kirk. I also decided it had been a while since I'd written something. I have about 3 other incomplete stories I intend to finish before college starts up in a couple of weeks and this was a great way to get a burst of energy and desire to finish writing.
I do not own Star Trek nor the characters (and maybe that's a good thing).
I hope you all enjoy it: Please review! 3
Won't you let me give you a hand?
I have an extra I'm not using
Won't you let me lighten your load?
I mean after all your legs are shaking.
Jim felt like he was suffocating.
He scanned the bridge to see if anyone noticed the faint tremors in his body or the sheen of sweat on his forehead. No one spared a glance at their 'cool and collected' Captain. James Tiberius Kirk never buckled under pressure. No, not the son of George Kirk: He may be brash and immature at times but he was always brave and strong in the face of danger.
Jim sure didn't feel brave.
He took deep steady breaths as the stars flew past on the screen he couldn't tear his eyes from. Jim suppressed the shaking in his arms and he closed his eyes briefly to push away the lightheadedness that covered him like a thick fog. After counting to ten in his head silently he opened his blue eyes and slipped into the familiar brazen cockiness his crew had come to know and tolerate with affectionate exasperation. He was in control.
"Well, that was a close one." Jim's smooth voice filled the bridge and he smiled as a few chuckled reverberated in the large space at his obvious understatement. Jim failed to notice the pair of dark eyes laced with human emotion akin to concern watching him carefully as if he would collapse from the internal pressure building up.
Jim's smile slowly faded from his lips and he felt his bones ache with exhaustion and decided he'd need to pay the good doctor a visit for a healthy hypo to help with his latest case of insomnia. His eyes closed on their own accord and Jim tried to recall Bones's mother hen rant when Jim stumbled into the Med Bay a few nights ago after sleep failed to play nicely.
"Dammit Jim, wandering around the ship like a zombie is no way to gain respect from your crew!" Bones growled as he helped his friend into a biobed. Jim's eyes were bloodshot and a dull blue that had Bones even more worried. Bones noted the heavy bags under his eyes and estimated Jim hadn't been getting a decent night's sleep in weeks. Bones decided he'd chew Jim out later and quickly administered a hypo and watched Jim fall dead asleep in seconds.
When Jim awoke a good eight hours later Bones let him have it.
"What good does it do to work yourself to death huh? You're a Captain now Jim and you need to take care of yourself as much as the rest of us do: If not more! How long have you been unable to sleep?"
Jim thought for a second and told Bones the truth. "I haven't really slept since I became Captain Bones."
"Good God man! That was almost nine months ago! Why haven't you said something sooner?" Bones yelled and Jim winced.
"Bones you know I've never slept well: It's just how I function. No need to get your panties in a bunch about it." Jim replied and flinched when Bones made a move to touch him.
"Hold still idiot. It's my job to make sure you survive your captaincy and I'll be damned if I let you command this ship while running on less than half a tank." Bones grumbled and scanned Jim quickly. He had a slight fever, which didn't surprise Bones. Due to his lack of sleep his immune system was taking a brutal hit. Bones jabbed a hypo into Jim's neck to combat his rising fever and ignored Jim's curses.
"Jim, I'm saying this as your friend. You have to let people help you do your job. You're pushing yourself too hard. I know you're not one to open up unless you've drank half your weight in alcohol, but you have me and Spock so there's no reason to shut yourself off from us." Bones said letting a hint of tender affection creep into his rough southern voice.
Jim sighed and met his friend's eyes. He knew Bones was there for him: Hell, he'd spent plenty of intoxicated nights opening his sealed lips to the good doctor. He just… Jim felt like as Captain it was his job to be strong for his entire crew including Bones. Jim didn't have time to feel fatigue or doubt.
Jim pulled out his playful smile and briefly touched Bones's shoulder thankfully. "Duly noted Bones. Now if you don't mind, I have a ship to run." Hopping down from the biobed, Jim strode out of Med Lab to take his place at his chair and tried not to linger on the doctor's words. He could not afford to be weak in front of him or Spock for that matter.
"Spock…" Jim thought fondly and it wasn't until he opened his eyes, that his First Officer and the good doctor he had just been reminiscing about greeted him.
"Captain, are you well?" Spock asked not trying to disguise his concern now.
Jim jerked up and shook his head to clear out the cobwebs he felt had been forming. Everyone's eyes were on him and after pausing a brief moment Jim laughed. "Well, it seems I dozed off. I'm sorry Spock were you saying something?"
He could not fool them.
"Jim, you pulled a double shift today, I think it's time you took a break." Bones said carefully knowing when Jim was exhausted it was best to avoid upsetting him. Jim's eyes flashed dangerously but when he looked at Spock he felt as if his adrenaline plug had been pulled and once again he felt like he couldn't breathe.
"Maybe you're right Bones. I think we're in the clear for now so a rest couldn't hurt. Spock you have the conn." Jim said grasping at the threads that held him together in once sane piece. Quickly Jim walked to the lift and avoided all eye contact as his frame began to shake once more.
Jim barely recalled making it to his quarters before collapsing onto his bed still clothed in his uniform. His brain replayed random bits of their recent mission from his minor injuries due to unfriendly natives and Spock's illogical rescue attempt that almost cost him his life. Jim squeezed his eyes shut tightly as if that would dispel the gruesome images playing in his head like a horror holovid. Jim swore before he fell into darkness and slept for the first time in three days.
Jim awoke five hours later, mouth dry and head pounding as if he had been drinking a few hours previous.
He moaned and groaned as he tried to move his sore body. Maybe he should've let Bones give him something for his injuries, which seemed to hurt more than they did earlier. He quickly realized he wasn't going to get anymore sleep so he decided a nice walk around his ship was just what he needed.
As he walked, his thoughts bounced from one issue to another like a brutal tennis match. He gently gnawed his bottom lip as he thought about his conversation with Pike he'd have to have sooner or later. His hands twitched when he pondered what else the universe was going to throw at him. He sighed as he recalled the mountain of paper work he had waiting back in his quarters. His heart thudded in his sore chest as he let his mind wander to his First Officer.
Jim wasn't one to beat around the bush, but with the knowledge of an epic relationship with Spock he tended to stall. He was conflicted and excited at the same time, which made for interesting chess matches. He felt things for Spock… things that went beyond the professional field, but he was too messed up. Between the shadow of his dead father that hung over his head, his neglectful mother and abusive stepfather, the trauma he suffered on Tarsus IV, and his colorful past before entering Starfleet (not to mention his various sexual encounters) Jim knew Spock deserved much better. Jim shouldered his pain by himself and could only imagine how Spock's opinion would change drastically if he knew the real Jim.
Jim wasn't paying attention to where he was going. With each step his legs began to shake and he felt his thoughts swarm at an alarming rate in his throbbing brain. Even after a few hours of sleep Jim still felt like the dead.
He turned down a familiar corridor and wound up at the observation deck.
He could barely walk now. The weight of his dead crewmen, his workload, his past failures and his intense feelings for Spock crashed into him like an anvil and Jim stumbled before hitting the deck hard on his knees.
Jim closed his eyes and ignored the sharp pains piercing his shaking body. He didn't attempt to get up as his blurry eyes looked up at the stars through the window in front of him. He loved space so much: It was his passion, his lover he could never hold. Jim felt at home in the endless expanse of stars and planets. He'd never give it up no matter how harsh she was to him.
Jim felt the pent up emotions banging against his shields and for a moment he almost let them loose when he felt a familiar presence behind him.
Turning his head slightly he saw Spock standing behind him.
They said nothing and Jim felt his body slump even more as if trying to become one with the cold metal floor he sat on. Spock's eyes softened and he slowly outstretched his left hand out to Jim in an offer of help and so much more.
Jim's eyes widened and he could hear his blood pounding in his ears.
Time seemed to stand still as Jim reached out his hand, Spock noticed how it shook slightly, and grasped Spock's warm one.
They didn't move for a second, savoring the contact, and then Spock gently pulled Jim up and into his arms in a gesture that felt almost natural despite his strict upbringing. His mother would hold him like this when he was emotionally compromised, and it seemed like the right thing to do in order to ease Jim's obvious suffering.
Jim felt the dam break and he began to let his eyes sting as hot tears poured silently down his face and onto the smooth fabric of Spock's shirt. Spock held Jim tightly and lent him some strength as his Captain cried.
Jim clung to Spock as if he was an anchor preventing Jim from being swept out to the stormy sea.
Seconds passed into minutes and once Jim's senses came back to him he stiffened in Spock's embrace and tried to push himself away. He couldn't risk Spock feeling what he felt; he couldn't let Spock see him in such a pathetic state. Spock refused to let go however and he gently nuzzled his nose into Jim's golden hair in an attempt to quell Jim's anxiety.
The heat from Spock's body made Jim's muscles relax and he melted in their embrace after realizing Spock wasn't letting him go.
"There's not much that you can do to get me to run away from you." Spock said softly and Jim looked up in wonderment into Spock's dark eyes. Jim could barely believe his ears when Spock leaned down and brushed his lips against Jim's softly.
Jim fought back the wave of panic as Spock began to move his hands in soothing strokes up and down the planes of his tired back. This was really happening: Spock was comforting Jim and offering to take some of the burden he carried everyday.
Jim's blue eyes shone as he pulled Spock down for another tender kiss.
The ache in Jim's mind dulled and he was lost in the sensations Spock triggered in his very soul. They broke away and Jim buried his face in Spock's shoulder and let a contented sigh escape his lips.
There was much to discuss, but for once Spock didn't care for exact definitions nor mind the human actions he executed for Jim's benefit. It was nice to feel. Jim closed his eyes and let all his worries fade away and knew, in time, he'd grow accustomed to letting Spock in and vice versa.
There was no more running, no more sleepless nights. For the first time in years Jim felt at peace and Spock was determined to hold out his hand to Jim for many years to come.
And I can understand
All I need is your hand
Oh won't you take the fall?
It is me after all
I'm a sucker for fics where Jim is crumbling under pressure: I tried not to make him seem pathetic or incapable of being Captain. I just think Jim has a lot on his plate and it can be very trying. This is helping stir up my desire to finish my fic "What A Day" also based on a Greg Laswell song. I really enjoy writing Jim/Spock regardless if it's friendship or romance even though I'm a firm believer they are all the definitions of t'hy'la.
Thanks so much for reading and I really hope you enjoyed it.