"I Feel Petty"

A song to the tune of "I Feel Pretty", inspired by the Doonesbury strip of 7/10/09

(Mel and Roz are in the barracks, talking)

(music)

Roz: What has promotion done to you?

Mel: Promotion? Why my promotion?

Roz: Well, you aren't acting all confident because the caf is serving burritos tonight.

Mel: I suppose I do feel a bit odd.

Roz: Maybe you've just lost it.

Mel: No doubt. Afghanistan does that to a girl.

Roz: Well, you look somehow different.

Mel: I do?

Roz: I think you're up to something.

Mel: I am.

Roz: 'I do', 'I am'; you sound like a parrot, girl! What is going on with you, Mel?

Mel: (sings) I feel petty

Oh so petty

I feel petty, and stubborn, and mean!

And so petty

It's about time someone honored me.

(music)

I feel spiteful

Oh so spiteful

It's delightful how spiteful I feel!

And so petty

That I kind of want to make people kneel.

(music)

See the petty girl in that uniform

Who could that commanding girl be?

Such a petty face,

Such a petty 'tude,

Petty sergeant stripes,

Holy shit, it's me!

(music crescendo/trill)

I feel shabby

Somewhat crabby

Feel like giving unearned reprimands!

For at last!

I have something resembling command!

(music)

(Now, Roz and Mel are in the cafeteria, with the other mechanics)

Roz: (sings) Have you met my good friend, Melissa,

The craziest girl in the camp?

You'll know her the minute you see her—

She's the one who thinks sergeant stripes make her a champ!

She thought all was crap, But now she feels great

Mel: (sings) Roz, shut up!

Roz: (sings) So tell her that she

Was already first-rate!

Mech 1: (sings) Congrats to you, Mel;

Promotion deserved!

Mel: (sings) Thank you so—

Mech 2: (sings) We know you'll do fine.

Mech 3: (sings) Just don't get unnerved!

(Captain Seabrook enters the cafeteria, assumably to get lunch. All but Mel crowd around Mel)

Mechs: (sing) Keep away from her, Captain Seabrook!

This is not the Melissa we know

She's very well-trained

And no doubt well-raised

Mel: (sings) That's a stretch

Mechs: (sing) Hard-working and tough,

But totally crazed!

(music)

Seabrook gives them all a strange look, gets some lunch, and leaves. Once he's gone . . .

Mechs: Sergeant Mel! Sergeant Mel! Speech!

Roz: Sergeant Mel, bravo! Speech!

Mechs: Speech!

Mel: (sings) I feel petty

Oh so petty

The ev'ryone should avoid me!

Or I might just

Stick you with endless rounds of KP.

Mechs: (sing) ha x 10

Mel: (sings) I've got power

Oh such power

Enough power to ruin folks' days!

So much power,

That they even increased my pay.

Mechs: (sing) ha x 10

Mel: (sings) See the petty girl in that uniform

Mechs: (sing) That goes for all

Mel: (sings) Who could that commanding girl be?

Mechs: (sing) Which, what, where, who?

Mel: (sings) Such a petty face,

Such a petty 'tude,

Petty sergeant stripes,

Holy shit, it's me!

Mech 1: (sings) That's right it's you!

Mech 1: (sings) That's right it's you!

Mech 1: (sings) That's right it's you!

Mel: (sings) I feel shabby

Somewhat crabby

Feel like giving unearned reprimands!

For at last!

I have something resembling command!

(music crescendo, trill, finale)