Target for this week: a crapload including Oldrivalshipping, French people, and possibly Twilight...though we might not get to the last one...dang it.
Correction: Yes, yes we are.
And I apologize to any and all people with French heritage and are French readers. I'm not trying to offend you at all. I'm mocking the stereotype that seems to have been created, not the actual French people :).
Please don't kill me.
Melody: Why are we mocking "Twilight"
Me: Because I can. And also there's a crapload of stuff to make fun of in it
Tracey: I just pray that we aren't doing that for a movie.
Me: Dude, it's not even Disney. If it was, my soul would die on the inside.
Brock: So if we said...
Me: NO. Besides, we're doing "Beauty and the Beast", not that.
Misty: Thank You God.
Me: You're welcome. Now, let's get on with this before the fans come after me again.
Melody: For what?
Me: I dunno, but they'll find something.
Brock: Well, if you keep mocking the Twilight series, then they'll come after you.
Dawn: "Twilight"! I love it! The love between Edward and Bella...
Me: Put a sock in it. Now, for the cast. Gary, since I'm going to be pitying your soul within 10.5 seconds, you get to play the Beast.
Dawn: And Jacob...he's so hot...
Paul: Kill me now. . .
Kenny: Sooo, if I somehow take off my shirt, in order to get Dawn to like me...
Paul: Now really kill me now...
Me: I said, stuff it.
Gary: Wait, why will you pitying my soul?
Me: You'll see in three...two...one!
Leaf: Hey Blue! It's been like totally forever since we last saw each other! I missed you!
Gary: What the?...
Me: Told you.
Leaf: We're supposed to together! Forever! Well, according to the fans and the loads of Fanfictions...
Ash: Is Gary twitching?
Brock: I think he's going to have an epileptic seizure.
Leaf: Come back here Blue! I looooove you!
Gary: I'm not Blue!
Tracey: Should we help him?
Ash: No, I'm basking in the glow of his imminent doom.
Gary: For the love of Mew, pry this girl off of me!
Me: Ahh,..life doesn't get much better than this. And remember kids what have we learned from this?
May: Don't crossbreed the universes.
Me: Good kids. Now, on for the rest of the cast. Brock, you're Gaston.
Paul: How ironic. Two grown men who still can't get chicks.
Melody: Least Brock doesn't die in this one.
Brock: No, I just have to replace my ear every time Misty gets a hold of it.
Melody: Not nearly as bad as dying.
Brock: Or you could be in Gary's situation.
Gary: Help me!
Me: Actually, Gaston does take a one-way trip to the drink. Wait, does that count as a spoiler alert?
Brock: Can I change roles now?
Tracey: If you do, who else are we going to get for a pervert?
Ash: I would suggest Gary, but he's at the moment trying to fend of possible glomping.
Misty: What the crap does that mean?
Leaf: Come back here Blue! We're meant to be together forever and ever!
Me: Will you shush? I'm trying to cast people here! Drew will play Lumiere, with May as the little feather mathingy.
May: Duster. That's what they're called.
Me: Shut it. Harley will play Cogsworth, because the fans want to see him flaming.
Ash: They already do.
Harley: Will you stop being politically incorrect?
Me: Um, I was born politically incorrect. It's like in my DNA or something...I'm not really sure.
Dawn: Um Gwen?
Me: What is it?
Dawn: Has anyone noticed how much Leaf sounds like Bella?
Me: Really? I wouldn't know.
Tracey: Well, you seem to know a lot since you make fun of it so much.
Me: It's called "let's laugh at horrible acting". See? I told you we would be making fun of Twilight? Maybe we'll do a special on it.
Gary: Can we get with casting? I'm getting mauled over here!
Leaf: But Blue!
Gary: I'm Gary!
Me: Fine, you just love ruining the fun for everybody else huh? Okay, Max is the adorable little teacup...
Max: I'm starting to hate these "cute" roles.
Me: Well unfortunately, you really can't play anything much more masculine. Maybe Edmund from "Narnia", but that's about it. And Melody will play Mrs. Potts. Heh heh, pot.
Melody: Oh. Goodie.
Misty: Real mature there.
Me: I know. So that leaves Belle's dad and Gaston's sidekick. Hmmmm...I'm starting to run out of people methinks.
Misty: What about those new people from the new series?
Me: Has it really been that long since I did one of these?
Max: There's a new series?
Brock: Yeah, and you can bet that we won't be in it.
Me: By the gods! How can there be a new series? I haven't even seen all of Diamond and Pearl yet.
May: That would explain why Ash's eyes are so freakin' huge!
Me: Holy son of a...I don't know what! Did the bishie fairy come by here? They're as big as my hands! And so...glittery!
Ash: Save me from myself!
Misty: Get off of me!
Me: Quick, hand me those wooden stakes!
Brock: The ones that just so happen to be conveniently lying here?
Me: Yes, those!
Me: So I can kill the producers before Ash starts to glitter and attract the fangirls and their cliched fics!
Ash: I don't want to die!
Me: Then get rid of those freaking shiny eyeballs!
Max: I'm going to need therapy...
Tracey: I agree.
Gary: Can I have one of those stakes too?
Misty: To kill yourself?
Gary: To pry Leaf off of me! I think she superglued herself to my leg
Me: And this is why we don't crossbreed the universes. Because bad things happen and things end up exploding.
Paul: Nothing's exploded yet.
Me: Ohhh, but it will...Bwahahaha! Now for the story.
Me: Now what?
Tracey: If Gary's supposed to be the Beast, where's his beast costume?
Me: Right here. I stole it from one of those Disney workers. I punched him in the face and ran off with it. I finally found my purpose in life.
May: To punch Disney workers in the face?
Me: Exactly. Then for good measure, I gave him a kick. If the police come by, I'm now Juan Pablo..uh, Jacques. I'm now both a man with Mexican and French heritage.
Tracey: Fitting with the French theme.
Melody: As long as you don't surrender to the police when they come by, since you're now French and all.
Me: Crap, I forgot about that! Curse you French people and your penchant to surrender!
Misty: Yep, political incorrectness does live in your DNA.
Me: But the French are so easy to make fun of!
Ash: Let's hope that you don't have any French readers.
Me: I pray so as well. I already put a warning label up earlier.
Gary: Can we get on with this? I want to send...her back to her universe as soon as possible!
Leaf: But Blue...!
Gary: I'm. Not. Blue!
Me: As do I.
Brock: I pity this Blue person.
Me: As do I.
Once, there was a tiny French town, by the name...Um...Sacre Bleu!
May: What happened?
That's what I'm calling the town. Sacre Bleu!
May: Why do you keep cursing.
But I'm calling it. Sacre Bleu!
May: I don't get it.
And I don't get you. So this little town of Sacre Bleu...don't you dare say anything...was the home of a girl named Belle and her dad, Maurice. Did I make a Maurice?
Crap in a Bucket! Well, Paul can be her dad. I don't know, because it has no logical standing, but my brain is getting fried. It must be from when I transported Leaf from the other dimension.
Gary: I hope other things got fried in the process.
Why haven't you got your costume on yet?
Gary: I can't get her off of me!
That would explain it. Well, I would suggest that you try to beat her off, or throw something shiny to get her attention. Maybe that GS ball that was have no idea what it does.
Ash: Maybe it has Chuck Norris in it.
Do you want a visit from the Slap Fairy?
Misty: No but the Screw-Up Fairy has taken permanent residence here.
Touche.Well, Belle wanted to leave her tiny little town...
Leaf: Hi there!
Shut up. As I was saying, Belle wanted to leave her tiny town and frankly I don't blame her. I would to, if I were surrounded by French stereotypes. Again, I don't actually mean that.
Sigh, you caught me. So, Belle made these huge plans to leave. Again, that was a lie because she spent most of her life with her nose stuck in books. So that plan went entirely out the window.
Leaf: What's a book?
Tracey: Are you sure that you didn't accidentally transport Bella from "Twilight"?
I would like to think to. But Belle kept getting hit on a guy named Gaston, who could have any girl he wanted, but he went with the nerd instead. Tragically, actually, that too is a lie, so not really, Belle rejected him. Again.
Brock: do I really have to hit on her?
For the sake of a plot, yes. But at the same time, her dad wanted to enter a science fair with some crazy contraption that can cut wood. Why he couldn't just cut the wood himself, I don't know. Disney baffles me.
Drew: Your mom baffles you.
As do you with your misplaced insults. However, during the process of transporting his crazy contraption, he got lost.
Kenny: Yeah Paul, get lost.
Paul: Can I kill Kenny with this contraption?
When the readers aren't looking. So Maurice got lost in the woods, and he came upon a castle, which looked really really cool.
May: Actually, it looks kind of creepy.
What are you, puppies and rainbows?
Melody: That would explain Ash's gigantic eyes.
Ash: I'm so ashamed with myself...
Riiiiight. So, casting all common sense aside, Maurice decided to enter the castle, which was haunted by inanimate objects and a hideous monster. Oh good Gary, you got the costume on.
Gary: Yeah, but it's freaking hot in here.
It's either that or the outside world.
Gary: I would go with that, but Leaf is currently cuddling with the costume. Apparently it's fuzzy.
Leaf: Oh, Blue, you're so warm and soft, even if you do smell like a school of tuna just died on a landfill.
And here I thought they actually cleaned those costumes. My bad Gary. But it turns out that the Beast of the castle, which apparently nobody in the village heard of, was once a prince who was turned into a beast because he was a jerk and a horrible host to boot. How do I know this? Because he locked Maurice in a dungeon.
Paul: Wait, we didn't have a budget for costumes, yet we have a miniature dungeon?
Gary: I think I'm about to faint in this thing.
I stole it from a local Phantom of the Opera set.
Max: How many things did you steal?
To many to count. Belle, learning that her dad was in a dungeon, went to rescue him, but the Beast was a jerk to her too. But somehow, Belle managed to convince the Beast to let her dad go, but Belle had to stay there. Thankfully she had a bunch of talking things to keep her company.
Harley: It's okay, we'll make you feel better about yourself...why do I smell burning polyester?
Drew: I always wanted to do that.
Harley: Drew you jerk! Why would you do such a thing?
Drew: I dunno, because I was bored.
May: More like he doesn't like you.
Harley: But all those times...Ooh1 That's hot! Can I have a fire extinguisher please?
Sorry, Zulu ran off with that after that one movie.
Drew: I love the smell of burning chemicals in the morning.
Misty: Aren't those chemicals bad for you?
Correction: We love the smell of burning carcinogenics in the morning.
Harley: Hellooo? Still on fire, remember?
Oh right, I forgot. Misty, go help him out. And Drew, while we appreciate your enthusiasm, stop making out with the feather duster. Thank you. And of course, the Beast was a jerk to Belle too.
Leaf: But Blue would never be a jerk to me, even though he likes to call me "pesky girl", whatever that means...
Gary: I'm. Not. BLUE!
Atta boy Gary, way to get into character. But the Beast got even angrier when Bella messed with his rose, courtesy of Drew's rose collection...
Drew: That's where that one rise went.
….And forcing Leaf to run away...
Ash: Yeah Leaf, go run away.
Leaf: Oh be quiet Red.
Ash: Is she talking about my hat?
I'm afraid not. Well, the Beast felt bad, so he went out to rescue Belle, though in this case, the Beast may feel disinclined to go rescue her.
Gary: Got that right.
But, he did it anyways and in the aftermath, he started to grow feelings for her.
Gary: When Swinubs fly.
Okay, what the flying frig was that?
Ash: Sorry, Tracey and I accidentally sprang the Swinub catapult.
Tracey: I had nothing to do with that!
Gary: "Accidentally" my foot.
For once I agree with you.
Leaf: You love me Blue! I love you too! Can I kiss him now?
Leaf: How about now?
Read my lips. N. O.
Gary: I know it has nothing to do with the plot, but can you kill me now?
Sorry Gary, but I have to cut to another scene. During all of this, Maurice managed to walk through an entire snowstorm and into a bar, where conveniently Gaston was at, ranting about how he can't get into Belle's pants.
Brock: But I don't really want to.
Max: That's a first.
Tell me about it. So Maurice starts ranting and raving about the gigantic castle and gets promptly thrown out, because he didn't do the two drink minimum, but Gaston could have covered that easily. Because he has manly chest hair.
Misty: Gag me with a spoon.
Sorry for that mental image. But because Gaston can't hook up with Belle, he concocts this freaking crazy plan to get Belle to marry him: threaten to throw her dad into the insane asylum if she doesn't marry him. Yeah, that's real manly. And why hasn't anybody noticed the freaking castle! It's right there, looming over that stupid forest! Surely they have to notice something, or do they live in this gigantic bubble or something?...Okay I think I'm done now.
Paul: I'm protesting this plan, by the way.
Dawn: Does anybody notice that the guy who runs the insane asylum looks like the bad guy from Hunchback of Notre Dame?
Nope, don't notice a resemblance.
Dawn: Are you sure?
Positive. And at the castle, the Beast tries to come up with a plan to tell Belle how he feels.
Leaf: But he doesn't need a plan! I know how Blue feels!
Gary: Are you sure about that?
So the Beast asks her to dance and he fails to tell her at the end, instead...wait, I smell burning polyester again.
Drew: My bad.
Harley: I hate you. Oooowwww!
Now you're really getting waaayyyy too much into this role.
Drew: But Lumiere caught Cogworth on fire in the movie.
But not this much.
Melody: It's a bit creepy, to be honest. And why haven't I gotten a chance for a speaking role?
Well, from I got, you didn't want it. And Beast sends her off to be with her dad, who's sick, apparently. But she gets waylaid by Gaston on the way, who gets insanely jealous that she was with Beast the whole time. Brock be jealous.
Brock: That's so unfair! Why!
May: I think he's still complaining from earlier.
I haven't really been paying attention. So Gaston makes this plan to kill the Beast. And it's about bloody time that the villagers realize the castle is there! Okay, I swear I'm done now. I think. Actually, I'm not sure.
Gary: Costume...so...hot... I think I'm dying.
Leaf: But Blue, you don't die yet.
And Gaston with his village mob go invade the castle, where they promptly get their tuckuses handed to them on a silver platter, which may or not be alive, I can't really tell at this point.
Max: Hi-Yah! I'll show you!
And thank you for the impromptu demonstration. Not really. At this point, the Beast was going emo-tastic because Belle left him.
Gary: Actually, it's because my costume's roasting. You could pop popcorn in here. How do those workers do it?
Ash: Can we try popping the popcorn?
Let's not and say we did. Belle decided to use her father's wood chopping thingymabobber to rescue her love from the castle...
Leaf: How can I rescue him if I don't even know how to turn it on?
Paul: I pity the gene pool in your dimension.
Me too. Belle, with the help of her father and an instruction manual, manages to make it to the castle.
Leaf: How do I get to the castle?
Misty: Can I beat her? Please?
Get in line. When Belle arrives at the castle, the Beast is locked in a raging battle with Gaston! Eventually, the Beast triumphs with the help of Belle's love1 Notice how I'm being facetious here. Tragically though, the Beast gets stabbed, but not before he heaves Gaston off the castle.
Gary: But I can't lift Brock off the stage.
Just kick him off then, Spartan style. It's much more dramatic that way.
Brock: No wait don't—OW! That really hurt!
Gary: My bad.
The Beast laid there, dying from the knife wound...
Ash: Actually, I think he fainted from heat exhaustion.
Well, get the man some Gatorade! In her grief, Belle tells the Beast that she loves him.
Leaf: But I already did.
You're lucky that I can't kill you just yet.
Melody: Can I? I'm not that important.
Maybe later. Just then, something happens; the Beast is magically turned back into a human and the castle turns back into something that looked like it came from one of those really bad Barbie movies. And the inanimate objects turn back into people again as well.
Gary: Gwen, can I have some help taking the costume off? Wait, never mind, Leaf's helping me, I think.
Actually, I think she's trying to ravage you.
Gary: Freaking fantastic.
How do you think we feel?
Blue: What in the name of Ho-Oh is going on here? Leaf, why are you trying to ravage that poor man?
Leaf: Oh Blue! How I missed you!
Blue: Gah!Get off me!
Gary: Wow, you too?
Ash: Wait, there are two Garys? I'm so confused now.
Holy Crap! I didn't turn off the inter-dimensional transporter!
May: did you make that up?
Yes, yes I did.
Melody: Um Gwen, the cops are here!
An even bigger crap! I'm out of here! And remember, I'm Juan Pablo Jacques.
Police: This is the police! Open up!
You'll never catch me alive coppers! Bahahahahaha!
Police: Excuse me, have you seen a girl using the guise Gweniveve Skyes?
Ash: Actually, she's now Juan Pablo Jacques now and she went that way.
Shut up Ash! And while I'm running from the cops, remember to review and send suggestions in! Because I'm not actually dead and I would really appreciate them.
Oh and no offense to fans of Leaf or her counterparts in any of the universes. I'm pretty sure I like her as much as the next person, depending on who the next person is. That was a joke by the way, the second part, I mean.
Fox News Alert! Ha, it's not actually an alert, but I did publish a new story. It's called The Aura Rising Trilogy Book II: Shaman of Blue Flame. It's a continuation of the first one and if you liked the first one, you'll love the second even more, I guarantee it. :)