Author's Note: Hey guys, I'm back to uploading on here after many pleas to come back. ;) Glad to hear I'm loved. (Or at least my stories are) Anywho, this was a request EARNED by one of my great friends from both here and another site. She reqested I do some kind of Kirk/Spock fic with the song Fix You by Coldplay. (GOCHECKOUTTHESONG!) She pretty much gave me NO guideline for this, but she did say I get bonus points if McCoy is in it! ;D Yay, I get bonus points. Anyways, I'm going to stop ranting now, and just give you the time to read this story~
It was horrible.
Jim pushed rushed down the ladder, running towards the class prison.
"God dammit Jim! Stop, you can't go in there!" McCoy growled, grabbing Jim by an arm, and tugging him away from the glass. "You'll die Jim." Jim thrashed in his best friend's arms, shouting on the top of his lungs. "But he'll die Bones!" McCoy's mouth became a thin line before his grip loosened up on his best friend's arm. "He's already dying Jim."
Jim ripped out of McCoy's grip, muttering 'no' over and over again as he stumbled over to the glass chamber. He flicked the communicator between him and the man in the glass chamber.
The Vulcan who wasn't facing Jim shifted slightly. Before he turned slowly, getting up even slower. He teetered towards where the voice came from, bumping into the glass, before his eyes focused, and he looked over at Jim. Jim's face was contorted into a deep sadness as he pressed his hands to the glass. "Spock!" he called out again. Spock thought it was illogical for him to simply call out a name, making him have a quirk of the lips at the illogical action of his friend.
"Jim." He rasped.
Jim's eyes quivered at the sound of his voice, unhealthy, sick, dying. "Spock, why?"
The Vulcan silently shook his head slightly, coughing before looking back up at the concerned human before him. "The needs of the many…"
"Outweigh the needs of the few." Jim finished, watching as Spock nodded his head. "The Enterprise… out of… danger?"
Jim nodded his head, watching as Spock teetered and tottered on his feet. Looking as if he could fall over any second. "Yeah. We got away in time."
Spock nodded his head once again before moving to take the fat radiation gloves off his hands. "Good." He rasped, as he slowly got down to his knees out of exhaustion. Jim followed his actions, crouching down, and keeping his hands on the glass, his breath almost fogging it up from being so close.
Spock then leaned his head against the glass, the pointed shell of his ear getting smushed against the glass. "I am sorry Jim."
Kirk pushed his forehead against the glass; his forehead would be touching Spock's hair if there wasn't and inch of glass between them. He closed his eyes, not able to see Spock's face that was green and radiated. "Don't be."
Spock's eyes kept themselves open slightly, looking at the human on the other side of the thick glass. "I have hurt you…" he gasped in some more air. "For that… I am sorry."
The back of Jim's throat was burning from keeping any tears from falling. He squeezed his eyes closed, pushing the tears to the back of his eyes. No way he was crying in front of McCoy, Scotty, and a bunch of other crewmembers. If not them, not in front of Spock. "You saved us all though. If you hadn't done that, we would have all died along with Khan."
Spock's head moved slightly, and Jim was going to accept that as a 'Sure, no problem.' Spock then moved, and then pressed his hand against the glass with a dull thud. His fingers were separated into the 'live long and prosper' formation, a formation Jim had seen him do many times. It sent a small tingle of 'This is totally Spock' through his heart, but was quickly replaced with pure depression when he saw that Spock was breathing heavily. He pushed his hand against the glass where Spock's was, feeling a tear roll down his cheek.
"I have been and always shall be your friend."
Jim watched in horror as Spock's hand slid off the glass, his body thumping against it once again. His eyes shut slowly; his mouth popped open, his chest stopped moving. Jim curled his hand into a fist, pounding it against the glass as tears rolled down his pinkened cheeks. "Spock!" he cried out one last time, resting his forehead against the glass.
He continued banging his hand on the glass with dull thuds, crying openly for what seemed hours, until McCoy waded over, and slid a hand onto his shoulder.
He gave a reassuring squeeze, with a 'come on Jim, let's go call someone.'
James T. Kirk, Admiral, old Captain of the Enterprise walked out of the room face as pink as bubblegum, dried tears on his face and uniform. Along with McCoy silently guiding him away the other silent crewmates.
It was a month later. Jim had gotten no better.
Whenever he saw the new Vulcan woman that Spock and he had befriended, his heart felt as if it was shot. Simple slanted eyebrows, no expression, and/or pointed ears got him into a crying fit that only a hour of McCoy calming him down would solve.
Every single night, Jim would pull out the old chessboard from the old voyages of the Enterprise, he would set up the pieces alone in his quarters.
He and Spock had gotten this chessboard from Spock Prime as a present after the Narada accident when they went to go drop him off at the new Vulcan colony. Prime had smiled when he handed Jim the board and pieces, saying that him and his own Jim Kirk had loved chess, and loved to play it whenever they could.
The chess memories flew into Jim's mind every single night. It made his throat burn, his eyes get moist, but a small warm smile spread on his lips. He set up the pieces, and then always – even if he felt stupid at first – starting talking to himself as if he was speaking to Spock.
He would move his piece, and as if he knew what piece Spock would move, he moved the black piece right after. Some games he won, some games he didn't. All in all, by the end of the game, Jim was fully crying, his throat on fire, getting tears on the chessboard. However, that smile never left his face, as if he could see Spock 's lips quirking up, or his monotone voice telling him how 'illogical' or 'deeply pleasing' the chess game was. Depending on if he won or not.
Either way, the quirk was always there.
But not anymore.
Jim was unstable around anyone. He wasn't himself anymore. He was twitchy near McCoy, unsettled around Uhura, tearing up in front of Chekov, and plenty of other sad things around any of his crewmates. McCoy didn't have anything to say about it, seeing as Jim was still as healthy as a bird, only with a broken heart that every so often cracked a little more.
Of course it was cracking way too much, which was getting McCoy both worried, and suspicious. Jim hadn't acted this sad or down in forever. One day, he decided to get Jim alone, and ask him about it.
"Look Jim, I've never seen you so down for so long." He stated once they were in the privacy of Jim's quarters. "He was a great friend of both of us, but you can't seem to get excited about anything anymore."
Jim slowly sat down on his bed, looking away from the country doctor slightly fumbling with the sheet corner on his bed. "I'm grieving from a death of a friend." He mumbled quietly, his breath catching on the word death. "I'm sorry if I can't be happy when my friend is… dead." He coughed up.
"Dammit Jim, it's been a month." McCoy pressed, taking a few more steps closer towards Jim, who didn't move to look up at him. "My dad died, because of me Jim, because I let him die a week before they found a cure." McCoy growled, waving his arms out, hoping that goddamn, that Jim would just look at him. "I grieved for what seemed like forever, but it was only a week or two. He's my father, and Spock was a best friend."
Jim then stood up with flurry, tears streaming down his face, his face contorted in a sadness and anger as he threw his hands down.
"He was my fucking husband Bones!"
The wet tears that were rolling down his cheeks continued, as he simply stood there, and glared at McCoy who was standing there with a cocked eyebrow and a frown on his face. "Jim… you and… ISpock?/I"
Jim wiped the tears away with his sleeve madly, before nodding his head and turning away from his best friend. "Yeah. We got married after the Voyager thing… I proposed before then, and he went all Vulcan on me and… went to go find what to do… and then he came back, and now he's fucking dead after all we've been though, and all the shit I had to put up with for him so that we could be together-"
"Jim!" McCoy's hand gripped his shoulder, setting him down on the bed, as he sat down next to him.
His best friend of god knows how long was crying his eyes out, and he didn't really know what to do. "You never told me Jim. Dammit, if you and Spock had gone and told me, I wouldn't have just stood there like a confused moron." He said with a small smile as he saw Jim's lips upturn slightly. "Spock didn't want you to know. He thought that you would yell at me or something. He didn't want to see me hurt. He didn't want to see any of us hurt."
McCoy patted Jim's shoulder slightly again, nodding his head. He watched as Jim looked up at the unfinished game of chess that was still sitting on the small table in his quarters. McCoy followed his eyesight and sighed, watching slightly as he saw Jim making a move to get up. "Jim…"
Jim continued walking, before he reached the table. He took the knight from its place, looking at how the horse's face upturned at the end, and the mane was drifted to one side of the horse's head. The knight reminded him of Spock. Spock had always said that he found both knights and horses from Earth interesting, fascinating even. Jim himself always thought the king was cool, even if the piece was useless if the queen was taken. But that's what Jim thought of him and Spock. He was the King, the King of the Enterprise, and Spock was his knight in shining armor that would never leave his side, always be the one who would help him get out of those no-win situations he never believed in. Without Spock – without his knight – Jim was just a king that could be taken, slaved, killed by the other color, the no-win situation.
McCoy was by his side as he set the piece back down on the checkered spot of the board of where it used to be. "Jim." He stated, getting Jim's attention, even if he didn't move an inch. "Spock Prime contacted you about the death, you never got the message, but dammit, he talks about this happening with him and his Jim Kirk." McCoy stated as he looked at Jim simply standing there, bright blue eyes darting around the board. "He says that he was brought back to life by some Vulcan people after you and your son, and some Vulcan girl went down to get him from the Bio fucking planet whatever it's called."
Jim shook his head as he moved to put away the chessboard and pieces. "I can't believe that old man is still alive." He said with a small dry chuckle at the end. "This is an alternate universe Bones, a reality that Prime isn't used to. Many things are the same, but few aren't."
"Dammit Jim, I'm saying that we could save your Vulcan… husband… bring him back to life, and all would be normal! You're not even getting perked up by that!" McCoy exclaimed as he watched his friend simply – and silently – put away the chess items.
"Bones… it literally feels like I got what I want, but not what I needed." Jim said, turning to look at his good doctor friend in the eye finally. "I'm stuck in reverse, I can't move forward." McCoy moved to speak, but Jim continued. "I loved someone, but it went to waste. It took years for Spock and me to build our relationship to marriage, and then he's gone. I'm starting to wonder if it could get any worse."
McCoy opened his mouth to speak once more, but was cut off by Jim once again. "I'm too fucking in love to let go of him Bones. There's no way I can ever let him go." Jim explained, using words and sentences as if he got them from some sappy romance movie, or book or something. Which he probably did. "I lost something I can't replace, and I always promised Spock that I would learn from my mistakes, but it's too hard. It's too hard to do anything without the knowledge that he's running around somewhere on the Enterprise being all Vulcan-y and being all cute and sexy, and whatever!" Jim said, his voice rising as he explained himself more and more, making less and less words come to McCoy's brain for a reply.
That was the one time Jim had a real breakdown. One that McCoy couldn't even pry him out of.
Only the reassurance from an old friend that he would be back, could pull Jim out from it all. Prime had gotten a hold of him, even getting him to realize that laying around, crying, and playing chess with himself wasn't going to do anything. The whole idea seemed surreal to Jim at first, but after more non-shouting from Prime, Jim was trying to get used to the idea that Spock was gone.
Every morning when he woke up for the following week, his bones felt as if there were on fire with sadness. He realized he always cried himself to sleep, every single night. The only thing that made him have a smile whenever he saw a crewmate, was the fact that Prime had told him that his Spock would still be alive.
He just had to let the light guide him home.