Chapter One

Setting: The Golden Girls' house.

Dorothy walks into the kitchen.

Dorothy: Ma! What are you doing up at this hour?

Sophia: I got up to make some midnight manicotti. Please! I couldn't sleep with those yutzes across the street making all that noise.

Rose enters the kitchen.

Rose: Oh, hi girls! You couldn't sleep either?

Dorothy: No, Rose. We were sleeping so well that we decided to have a party to celebrate.

Rose: You know what always helps me when I can't sleep? Some nice warm milk.

Dorothy: I've got a better idea.

Sophia: I'll get the plates.

Dorothy: I'll get the cheesecake.

Rose: I'll get the chocolate syrup.

The girls sit down to eat some cheesecake.

Blanche enters the kitchen.

Blanche: Girls! How am I supposed to get my beauty sleep with all that racket? Do you know what I'll look like for my date with Mel tomorrow? Why, my eyes will be all red and puffy...I'll look like...like...Dorothy!

Sophia: Then, let Dorothy take your place. It'll give her something to do on Friday night.

Rose: Oh, come one, Blanche. Have some cheesecake.

As Blanche pulls a kitchen stool up to the table and takes a slice of cheesecake, the music from across the street reaches a new height.

Dorothy: Well, this is ridiculous! Look, girls, we're never going to get any sleep with all this noise. I'm going over there to give them a piece of my mind.

Rose: Do you really think you should? I mean, what if they're a gang of murderous, thieving bikers?

Blanche: Oooh, maybe I should go over there...

Rose: I'm serious! The same thing happened to Frieda Fritzenstern back in St. Olaf. She went over to her neighbor's house to complain about loud flugelhorn playing, and next thing she knew, they kidnapped her, and she was forced to spend the rest of her life playing the tuba in a band full of herring!

Blanche: The herring played in the band?

Rose: Of course! After all, who else could pluck the those tiny strings on the gerflufitars?

Dorothy: Don't worry, Rose. If they come after me, I'll fillet them.

Sophia: Bring them back here. I'll put them in the Putenesca sauce tonight.

Dorothy gets up from the table and walks toward the back door.

Dorothy: I'll be right back.

Dorothy walks across the street to the house from which the music is blaring so loudly. She rings the doorbell. After a few minutes, the door opens, and Dorothy looks down to see a little red-haired boy looking up at her.

Danny: Who are you?

Dorothy: Hello there. My name is Dorothy Zbornak. I live across the street...

Danny: (yelling into the living room) Mom! Some lady's at our front door!

A blonde woman comes to the door.

Shirley: Oh! Hello!

Dorothy: Hello. My name is Dorothy Zbornak. I live across the street.

Shirley: Hi there! I'm Shirley Partridge, and this is my son, Danny. Danny, this is Mrs...

Danny: We've met. Hey, Mrs. Zbornak, do you know anyone in show business?

Dorothy: Well, I can't say that I'm "in the know," but I did once meet Burt Reynolds.

Danny: Who?

Dorothy: Never mind. Anyways, Mrs. Partridge...

Shirley: Oh please, Shirley.

Dorothy: ...Shirley, I actually came over here to ask you if you could turn the music down just a tad...

Shirley: I told Keith to stop practicing! (yelling toward house) Keith!

Keith Partridge comes to the door.

Keith: Yeah, mom?

Shirley: Keith, I told you to stop playing that guitar! You woke up Mrs. Zbornak! I think you owe her an apology.

Keith: I'm sorry, Mrs. Zbornak. (winks)

Dorothy: (flustered) Oh, that's alright, young man.

Keith: Say, Mrs. Zbornak, I really dig your voice. Do you sing?

Dorothy: Well, I did hold a steady job at the Rusty Anchor.

Keith: Great! You see, we're looking for backup singers. My sister Laurie has left the band to crusade for women's rights, and my two youngest siblings, Chris and Tracy, have been banned from the band by child labor laws. Would you mind auditioning?

Dorothy: Here?

Shirley: If you'd like.

Dorothy: (sings a few bars of "Hard Hearted Hannah")

Keith: Groovy! You've got the job!

Dorothy: Oh, no, I couldn't, really.

Shirley: Well, if you don't want to...

Dorothy: Oh, alright, if you insist.

Keith: Far out! Come back here at four o'clock tomorrow, and we'll start working on my brand new song, "Somebody Wants to Love You."

Dorothy: Fine. I'll see you all then.

Dorothy walks back across the street and yells "yippee!" before entering the house.