Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke. I'm just playing around.
Summary: "The last man stands alone - but neither of us wanted to do that." First chapter is season 4 from Sam's POV, second chapter Dean's POV on season 5. So spoilers from the end of season three to the end of season five.
Last Man Stands Alone
I've never been as happy as I when I saw him. Well, not happy right away, first I thought that Hell had taken a new step and sent him back as a demon or something. But then Bobby stopped my knife, yelled that it was really him. It really was.
My brother had somehow come back from Hell.
He had always been there for me and he was the only person I could trust one hundred per cent. He was everything to me: my big brother, the person who could drive away nightmares and who helped me whatever happened. Now I even owed him my life. He had been four months in Hell because of me. He had made a deal about my soul so that I'd live instead of him. He got one year to live, and then – to Hell. When I found out that I had died and he had made a deal to get me back, I was mad at him. We, if anyone, should know that what's once dead should stay dead. And the thing was so selfish from him; he didn't want to live alone but was ready to force me to live without him. Well, I knew that in his place I'd have done the same, but I was still mad. He had needed me back so desperately, just to leave me alone after one single year. I was going to be the last Winchester. Like winning some dull game, last man standing. But I didn't want to be the winner of that game.
When I saw my brother die, I died myself. When my brother was in Hell, I had my very own Hell here, on Earth. My Hell was a cold, empty world without my brother. I barely could live like that, alone and desperate. The only thing left was hunting. I had never wanted to be a hunter, but there was no way I would have given it up. My brother had gone to Hell because of me.
He means to me as much as I mean to him. I wanted to make a deal myself, for his soul, for his returning, but no crossroads demon would do it. I went after as many as I could find, but no one of them wanted to co-operate. Not even one. I was dead inside, cold, bare and alone. Most of all, alone. I was the last man standing, and I stood alone. I preferred dying to living. I made my mind as cold as I felt; I dried the tears of weakness and stopped whining. My brother was dead and wasn't coming back. I hadn't been able to get him back. I buried my feelings deep inside, to stay there forever. Alone I went on the path that was the fate of the Winchesters: I kept hunting. Alone, without my brother on my side, only his car with me. The car broke my heart every time I drove, because it had always been Dean who drove. The car was his baby, his beloved, and now I drove her. I sat in her without my brother. It felt so wrong.
In the middle of all this misery came Ruby. She really got back to me. She gave me the keys to solve my situation. She told me that there was still a chance for revenge. Ruby told me what I could do with a little help from her – I could kill Lilith, the demon in charge, the very same that held my brother's soul. That could be possible with Ruby's help, with her blood.
The solution seemed so clear, that was exactly what I'd do. I was alone and yearned for revenge for my brother's death. She told me what to do and was the only, tiny comfort I'd ever get. She helped me, made my life almost livable again. The revenge became the meaning of my whole being. And I wasn't completely alone anymore when I had her. She wasn't there all the time like Dean had been, but she was there well enough. She was the only thing I could get near physically and mentally. She gave me some escape from my 24/7 misery.
But then Dean was suddenly back. With me again, walking, talking, breathing, and driving his baby. Everything changed. My walls that I had grown to keep my emotions away were so fast coming unnecessary. But still I couldn't let them go. I stayed cold and it was difficult to cope with all those things. I had assumed that I'd never see my brother again: I had hidden all my feelings somewhere deep never to be found. I had thought that I'd live the rest of my life without Dean, that I was the only family left. And then he was back again. The walls I had made were thick and strong, I had no way to get myself free from the chains I had made to be able to live. Part of me knew that I should lower my walls, fall apart in front of Dean so that he could fix me like he always did. But I couldn't do it. There was no way I would let myself break into pieces, not even for my brother's eyes. I had been hiding my feelings so long and so well that it'd be too painful to let them flow free again. I couldn't be released. And the thing that I drank demon blood. Dean would never accept it, never understand my meanings. He'd hate me for it and that was a thing I wouldn't be able to cope with. I couldn't tell him that, and there were other things, too.
I suppose that was the thing that made us drift apart. Secrets, my walls keeping my emotions cold, his pain that hadn't left though he was out of Hell now. Hell made us strangers to each other. All these secrets untold between us made us something else than what we used to be. We should have opened up, but we couldn't. It was just too painful for both of us. Those four months ached in our memories, and we didn't have a way to help ourselves or each other. The time spent alone had left scars, that time made us go on alone, though the other was right there. Although we spent time together, we were close all the time like before - we weren't mentally the Winchester brothers anymore. We weren't "we" anymore. I was Sam with demons and he was Dean with angels. We were too far from those guys we had been before Dean was taken away from me.
There were times when I could feel his mind next to mine, the tense easing, but it never was the same it had once been.
It hurt me where I had buried my feelings. I wanted to be Dean's little bro Sammy again, but it felt like the most impossible thing to happen. I've seen many things that could be called impossible – monsters, demons, evil things, I've even seen my own brother to go to Hell and back literally – and then as simple thing as being a brother seemed impossible to me. Like I wasn't Dean's Sammy anymore. My senses stirred when I heard Ruby call me Sammy but I didn't say a thing about it to her. Dean and Dad were the only ones to call me that… and now I was called so by a demon?
I wanted to get back to normal – what could hardly be called normal by anyone else – without these angels and the apocalypse coming. I wanted it to be just me and Dean again with some monsters to hunt and kill. Nothing more. But there I was, in the middle of this battle between Heaven and Hell. There God seemed to play no role, and demons were about to win. How could the fate of the whole world depend on two men, like the angels seemed to mean? How could it depend on me and my brother? It felt so wrong, so totally wrong that I just wished it to be over. But when there's an apocalypse coming, you can't just turn your back and walk away to live your life.
So I and Dean ended up arguing. We weren't snapping at each other anymore like we used to: Dean never told me that I was a bitch, I never answered that he was a jerk. The brotherly way of arguing seemed to belong to the past, and instead of that we were arguing really. We were as cold as stones. We went and came without telling each other. I missed the old times. I missed the pissed off tune in Dean's voice where still could be heard that he was laughing inside and he wasn't truly meaning the things he said. Now the tune was cold and almost emotionless. It was not even near the way Dean Winchester should have sounded like. Although I had been so glad having him back, I had missed my second chance.
I'd been dead when he had died, and when he got unexpectedly back, everything started to go wrong. I couldn't get it. He was there, everything was supposed to be fine, but still it wasn't. Everything was wrong. It was like we weren't brothers anymore.
Last man stands alone – until the end.
That's the bitter thing I came to notice. Though Dean was back, my whole life was back, I felt like I was alone. Like Dean still wasn't truly there. He had his angels, Castiel, and I had Ruby the demon. We were totally drifting apart. I wanted to stop that stupid floating that took me every second further away from my own brother.
Finally the bomb exploded. He saw me drinking demon blood. Dean and Bobby locked me up to that panic room of Bobby's. It didn't help at all, it just made things worse. The hallucinations tortured me, made me scream. Worst of the visions was Dean. He called me a monster. It hurt me, hurt like hell, but the deepest wound was still to come. Because somewhere I was able to realize that it was a vision-Dean telling me horrible things.
Somehow I got out and fled while Dean and Bobby were sleeping. I took a car and drove, the aching inside me. I took a motel room and met Ruby, and – of course, he is Dean – my brother found me with her. Dean wanted to kill her, but I stopped him – which I regret now bitterly. It all ended up to a fight between me and my brother.
It wasn't one of these weird, half-meant wrestling of ours, it was a real fight that was meant to hurt. And he said me something that made my world shake again. He repeated the words of the vision and told me that I was a monster. I knew it couldn't be a vision anymore, I knew this man was really Dean, my beloved brother, my everything telling me that I was a monster. For a moment I really could have killed him, my fingers were on his throat. But I couldn't, after all it was Dean, though he had just hurt me more than anyone ever had. So I just walked away from my brother. He told me not to return if I went now. I was breaking inside. My brother thought that I was a monster. I felt sick when I left him there, lying on broken glass. When I closed the door behind me I knew that I might never see him again. Not because of Hell or something like that, but because of myself. He thought that I was a monster. Maybe he didn't even want to know me anymore.
Time passed. I found Ruby, and we went to get the Lilith's puppet nurse. At some point Dean called me, but I didn't answer. He left me a message, but it took some time before I could listen to it. In fact, I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I wasn't ready to do the job. Not yet. I wasn't sure anymore if I even could kill Lilith. What would it be worth, without Dean? This plan didn't feel so good anymore. Everything seemed to fade away, I felt sick and just wanted to flee. I wanted more time, so I listened to the message.
It was horrible. I had thought that Dean wouldn't be so idiot that he'd call me just to mock me more, just to tell me how he felt about me and what he thought of me. For a second I had hoped that he had called to make peace. But no, hope wasn't for me. He told me again that I was a monster. I could feel my heart breaking to even smaller pieces than I had thought was possible. And with that my anger grew. I needed to kill Lilith. She had started it all, and she'd also end it by dying. I was to get the revenge by ending it all.
I was just about to give her the final blow, when I heard a yell. That was no one else but my brother. That was Dean. Dean was there, shouting my name. He had come to me after all! That stopped me completely for a while. I had just enough time to wonder how those doors were closed. And Dean just kept calling my name. Again, again. "SAM!"
But then Lilith had the strength to make fun of me. I was so confused of all this – Dean was back? – that I didn't almost realize it. But then I felt the anger rushing inside me. I killed Lilith. I killed the monster that took my brother from me and made my life something not worth living.
If I had thought that it would end something, no. If I had thought everything was wrong already, it wasn't. The whole, horrible truth revealed to me, when Ruby started to talk. The cliché of bad guys talking too much became real, she told me that she had served Lilith all the time, that I had broken the last seal. She had trained me to do it the whole time. I really was a monster. I was the one who made the apocalypse to reality. I couldn't even think anymore, this was all too much to understand. I had lost Dean again, I had killed Lilith and so made it all true and Ruby was evil after all. I just wanted to fall to pieces, to fall right there. I really was the monster. Dean had been right.
But when Dean got in, I saw the look in his eyes. I saw the wrath pouring towards Ruby because she had made me to this. He was mad at her because of what she had done. And I saw that he was my brother again. He was my big brother, my Dean. I took Ruby's hands and held her still while my brother killed her with her own knife. The bitch fell down on the floor, lifeless, when I let go of her. All that mattered for two seconds was that Dean was there. He was there, my big brother, and I was his Sammy again. We had no time for anything – the end was about to begin. All I could do was grab his sleeve to my fingers, like it was the only stable thing that existed. And so did he, my jacket was wrapped to his fingers as well. Dean was holding on me the same way I held him. My brother was back, and if I had had the time, I'd have pulled him close to me and hold on for an eternity just to make sure he was truly there, my own big brother Dean.
But there was no time. We could just stand there and stare – together, brothers Winchester.
We were now the last men standing, and we would fall together. This time there'd be no last one, but last two. We weren't going to leave each other the last – because he'd have to stand alone. And neither of us wanted to do that.
A/N: This chapter was first supposed to be a one shot, but then the I saw the season five and the second chapter screamed to be written... So there's going to be a second chapter soon. I wrote this one last winter after I had seen season four, and so this is the first Supernatural fanfic I've ever written. I must admit, too, that English isn't my first language, so I wish you could tell me if there are any mistakes. I want to improve my English and I would appreciate it if you'd help me. Thank you for reading.