So, here's the second chapter - it took pretty long for me to finish it, but it's finally here anyway.
Sometimes my brother can be so stupid comparing to his education – but that's not what matters. He's my brother, and that's the thing that matters.
After he freed Lucifer and the apocalypse was upon us, I was mad at him. I had all the reasons to be. He had trusted a demon over me; he had kept so many secrets that we barely knew each other. We weren't brothers anymore. I had felt him with me when Lucifer rose for a brief moment but after that we were strangers again. For a time we kept together. I couldn't trust him anymore after the things he had done. We were just so accustomed to be with each other that we stayed that way. I suppose that was the only reason for us to be together – we didn't realize that there could be another way.
But pretty soon we knew what had to be done. It was better to go our own separate ways. I had enough to deal with – this damn vessel thing and all that Sam had done to me. We needed time alone. I couldn't look at my own brother who had been the centerpiece of my life. That was bad.
He's my everything, that Sasquatch. I was broken when he left for college. It's a big part of me to take care of him. He's my little brother and he needs me. I have to take care of him. Dad hammered that thought into me: take care of Sammy. And I did. It became who I was, and it made us what we are. When he died, I couldn't live without him and so I made the deal. I'll never regret it. I only regret what it came to cost us both later, because after his death everything started to go wrong. I went to Hell and Sam had to cope with that. Hell was the thing that separated us. When I got back, world was a different place for me, and for Sam, too. Poor Sammy had been forced to live alone, stand on his own. Maybe that made him trust Ruby so much – no one else was left. Sammy has always been strong, but there are things everyone needs. We need each other. And that's why he became what I met when I returned – I had been taken from him. It's true that we've been apart before, but this time he didn't expect me to return to him. Always the other has been but a phone call away, and then he went to die and things started to go downhill very fast. It led as far as the end of the world and to us being away from each other. We didn't trust each other; we weren't a team. And so we went to our own ways. It hurt, but it was the only thing that could be done.
Sam called me once during our separation. He said that Lucifer had found him. He was meant to be Lucifer's vessel like I was meant to be Michael's meat suit. Ridiculous. Like all the possible forces of the world and even the impossible ones were trying to get us on opposite sides. But still I didn't feel the time was good for us to meet again. I was dealing with too much shit. I still felt like I couldn't look at my brother.
My trip to future made me realize something. I was without Sam there, I was a mess. I wasn't what I wished to be, and most of all, I was alone. Well, Cas was there, but it's not the same – he wasn't the same. Cas is a good friend, though a bit weird sometimes – must be the angel-thing – but he's not Sam and in the future he wasn't even himself. I could see clearly what I and Sam being apart might cost us if it went on. Sam was Lucifer's vessel and that face wasn't truly his when I met him there. I suppose that the trip was meant to show me what would happen if I didn't say yes, but I saw there something else. I knew I needed Sam near to keep him safe. God, Sam had called me and I had refused to get back together! That was a stupid action. When had I failed my brother when he needed me most? Not this time, at least. To my great relief he still agreed to come to meet me when I called him and asked for it. And we were together again. Something seemed to ease between us. He was the same kid I've been watching most of my life. We hunted again and found our bond.
So many things happened, things that made sense and things that totally didn't. Damn, Paris Hilton kicked my ass. That was almost as shocking as the whole situation. Too many people died, and Bobby had lost his legs. Jo and Ellen died just because they wanted to help us and we failed. How many angels got killed, I don't even know anymore. It all seemed to be a chaos without any sensible way to go. After Jo and Ellen were killed we seemed to find our way. The beginning of the apocalypse felt like fumbling in the dark and wondering what should be done.
It took a long time to realize what direction we should head next. And in the process I felt like everything was falling on me. The weight of the world on my shoulders was sometimes unbearable. I felt lost. All seemed to lead to one solution, saying yes to Michael. I only wanted it to end. Everything I did was too little, I tried my best but nothing worked. The world was going to end. It all depended on me. The question I was asked in the mental hospital on the case rang in my ears too often. "How do you get up in the morning?" I had no idea. Maybe because I had to. Maybe because Sam was there still. Maybe I just didn't have any other choice.
It got weirder all the time. We were thrown around in time and place, we were in the past and then in Heaven. I didn't like Heaven. People were alone there, really alone. And Sam's memories, oh God. It felt so bad to realize that I wasn't even in one of them. All of my memories were about family. Family is the thing that matters. Sam's memories were all about him being alone on his own, without the family, without me. I was, in fact, surprised that not one of the memories was of the time I had been in Hell. Sam's heaven nearly crushed me. I wasn't part of it. I had thought that Sam cared for me even a little. But obviously he didn't. Realizing that hurt more than the beating from Zachariah or Mom's words about everybody leaving me. I threw the amulet away. It had no meaning anymore. Sam didn't want me and it didn't help finding God. So that was it. I had had enough. I couldn't take it anymore, it was all too much. I had always been forced to be the strong. I kept others upright. Dad had only wanted a warrior, not his son. Sam had never loved me, or so it seemed. I would say yes. I wanted it to end, and when a Winchester hadn't sacrificed himself willingly? All I had left was the fight, the fight that I knew I would lose. So why not go with dignity and give myself to the angels? A weird thought came to me when I left Sam and drove away.
I went to see Lisa. That visit was short and Lisa seemed to be more than confused first to find me and than just let me go right away. But I needed to see her before... it. I had no idea why, it just felt right.
Then this Adam- thing. Angels had given up on me. But I wasn't going to let them have Adam, he was family after all, though I never knew him. Finally it all came to the room where I had been before Lucifer rose. I don't know when I decided to still say no, whether it was when Castiel went in not knowing if he'd come back alive or when Sam fell to the floor spitting blood. Or maybe it was there all the time without even me knowing it. And so we got Zachariah but lost Adam. He was Michael's vessel now. I don't know if I was relieved or not.
Suddenly it was all about Sam. When we drove back to Bobby's place I knew Sam again. I had saved him - God knows how many times I'd still have to do it – and he was my brother again. The tension disappeared, we were us. Winchester brothers. Together. Together like we should have been all the time after Hell.
And that sudden finding of our bond didn't exactly help me to give him up to Lucifer, though everyone said to me that it had to be done. That Sam was going to jump into the cage with Lucifer. Bobby agreed to it, Death made me promise it would happen for his ring. It wasn't easy. No. I had to see my brother drinking demon blood again. I had to see Lucifer wearing his body. I had to witness him killing Castiel and Bobby. He was not strong enough after all. He even beat me up. But then something happened.
He was Sam again. He had control over the situation. My little brother was strong enough to control the Devil. I was proud of him in my misery of knowing that I would have to let him go. "I've got him", he said. And too soon, after one, long look to me, he was down. Gone. My brother was gone, I was the last Winchester, and I was alone. Even when Castiel suddenly popped up from thin air and Bobby was alive again, I was alone. My brother had gone to Hell with Lucifer. This price was too high to pay, but still it was paid. All I had was my promise to Sam. I was going to find Lisa.
And I am still alone, even though Lisa and Ben are here. I am the last Winchester left. Sam said something like that to me once, being the last man standing when I was in Hell. He said it was the most difficult thing he had ever done. I know now what he meant. My brother and the meaning of my life were taken away from me. And I'll never get to tell Sammy some things that I'd like to.
I love you, little brother, and I'm so damn proud of you.
A/N: Thank you for reading. I'd love to know what you thought about it, and if there were any mistakes, let me know.