*A/N~ This is a short one-shot that came to me after listening to Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails. If you aren't familiar with the song you should look it up on YouTube and listen to it. It will give you much better insight into how this one-shot came to be. I am a huge fan of D/G, and not a fan of H/G so you can believe me when I say the PB's made me write this. Also, this is un-beta'd so when you see a mistake please point it out in your review.*
Something I Can Never Have
"Draco, it's over."
I still recall the way she smelled that evening in our apartment. She smelled like sex and we hadn't done that in almost two months. Apparently, Potter had shown the slightest bit of interest and now we were over. I was being dumped because the "Boy Who Lived" finally deigned to accept her into his life. Now that everything in the Wizarding world was back to normal he could see a future with her.
What could I have said? Well, there were many things I could have said. I could have argued with her, I could have pleaded (even though we both knew it was beneath me to do so), or I could have called her a bunch of unsavory names. I felt like doing all three, especially the name calling part.
But I didn't.
All I said was, "OK." OK, like it was OK, which it wasn't.
I had given up everything to be with that girl: House, family, and friends. She was Gryffindor; I was Slytherin. The repercussions were massive and everything we thought they would be, but we persevered. We were together for years, even after the great battle, and the demise of Voldemort. We moved in together; we shared a home, a bed, and our dreams.
She was fiery and passionate. I was aloof and arrogant. She taught me compassion. I taught her how to manage money. We gave and we took, equally, as a couple. No one else mattered. Only her. I got on my knees (literally, as well as figuratively) and put aside everything I had ever been taught to be with her.
Now she is married to Harry Potter, and I to Astoria Greengrass. We see one another occasionally, but she does not acknowledge my presence with anything other than a nod of her red head. It is like we never happened. Like everything we had together was a dream– a dream she is eager to forget. Every time I see her the part of me that gave in, that tried to change, dies.
Now I am my old self again: I despise Muggleborns and Muggle lovers. I think Hogwarts should belong to the purebloods. I spend way too much money on clothes and personal grooming, and I refuse to give money to charity organizations. I am slowly working my way up at the Ministry, whispering poisonous words in the right ears. I have become my father. He would be so proud, were he still alive. At least my mother is speaking with me again. She was delighted to hear that things hadn't "worked out" with Ginny and I. She was even more overjoyed when I consented to marry Astoria.
Sometimes, when Astoria and I make love, I pretend she is Ginny. I wonder if she does the same when intimate with Potter, but I doubt it. I was a bit on the side, remember? She had been using me to get back at her family and friends, nothing more. I wish I could say that I had been using her, but it wouldn't be true. I loved her and I thought she loved me. She said yes when I proposed, but that obviously hadn't meant anything.
Everywhere I look she's all I see. I can't get her voice, her smell, her laugh, or her touch out of my mind. She's a reminder of what I tried to be, and I can't honestly say I minded bending myself to suit her needs. It wasn't so bad being a "good" guy, even if it only lasted a few years. There wasn't so much pressure. Benevolence definitely had it's appeal, especially if it earned me one of her smiles, or better yet one of her kisses.
What's done is done. She has her life and I have mine. So, why does it feel like this is the dream, the facade?
I guess I just want something I can never have.