[ Chapter One : "Sorceress Battle Painting Show" ]
[ From the Epic series: "Valzerpiece Theatre" ]


[ From here, the scene quickly opens up to endow a beautifully plain room in the aspects of any author. The camera trails on a shelf full of books and around as the theme from "Masterpiece Theatre" plays in the background. Soon, however, it narrows on a sign that states: "Valzerpiece Theatre."
The pointless music continues on for a few moments until the camera scene fades, and refocuses on Dewprism's Master Aeon, Valenor, dressed in a red houserobe, a corn-cob pipe between his teeth, and a book in his lap. ]

Valen : Oh! [ ::He coughs on a bit of smoke that receeds back into his throat as he looks up.:: ] Welcome to Master-Villain-Piece Theatre! I am your host, Valen!! Gahahahahaaaaa-- *COUGH!*

Random Kid : [ ::Offstage.:: ] HAHA! You're old, dude!

Valen : Why I oughta --- Ahem. I mean, I ought to start the show, yeah.. [ ::Sweatdrops pierce his forehead as he struggles to sit up.:: ] RUECIAN! Bring me my cane! _O!

Ruecian : [ ::Blinks.:: ] D'Oh. [ ::Letting out a yawn - spit dribbling from the corner of his mouth - he reaches over to a bookcase to grab an old gnarled cane, which he hands to Valen.:: ]

Valen : Thank you. [ ::Glaring at Ruecian, he smacks him with the cane, then reaches over to a switch upon the wall where, after pressing the button, the lights dim.:: ]

Ruecian : Durr.. [ ::A black-gloved hand reaches up to rub the side of his mask.:: ] Tonight's episode is called the "Sorceress Battle Painting Show," and that Rydia chick is HOT!

Valen : I TOLD YOU NO SPOILERS, YOU STUPID DOLL! CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ANYTHING DADDY VALEN TELLS YOU?! They think I'm insane, playing with little dollies that talk! GWAPPA! [ ::Again, he resorts to smacking Ruecian with his cane as the scene fades out, the latter yelping at every brandish.:: ]


~*~*~*~


[ Upon audience applause, the scene reopens to a small painting studio, Sorceress Aeon Fancy Mel with her back turned to what appears to be a painting canvas, an artist's pallet in her left hand, paintbrush in her right, and a just-as-overzealous beret - bedecked with little bunnies and gatos - replacing her usual rabbit-eared hat upon firey tendrils. As she reaches over to dab at the painting colors, the words "Sorceress Battle Painting Show, with Fancy Mel" flashes on the screen. The scene changes to the side, a profile of Mel. ]

Mel : Mm-hm.. Uhm.. AH! ::She blinks, obviously happy with the final stroke she put on the canvas, and turns her head to face the camera, onyx orbs alight.:: ] Welcome to the "Sorceress Battle Painting Show" with me, your beloved hostess, Fancy Mel! Today, I shall teach you how to paint a lovely Corona scene along with the previously painted Poli-wogs-eating-shoes we did last time, okay, so get your brushes, palletes, and canvases!

[ ::The camera moves back to intake an incoming puff of white smoke. As the mess clears, the audience can see Princess Mint, royalty of the East Heaven Kingdom. She looks rather ticked.. but.. when isn't she?:: ]

Mel : Oh! And I see my first guest has arrived - and without an invite too, as usual. [ ::She winks, sending the audience laughing, Mint futher fuming.:: ] Let's all give a big hand for Mint, Princess of East Heaven!

Mint : EEEEK! [ ::The orange-haired princess quickly ducks behind Mel to avoid an incoming slaughter of big, fat hands, which land right at Mel's feet. When it ends, Mint still remains behind her.:: ]
Dammit, Mel! I told ya to NOT do that! I'm too friggin' YOUNG to die.. DUH!

Mel : [ ::The Aeon shrugs, and turns back to her painting.:: ] Now then.. Now that you're here, you can help me prepare the turkey!

Mint : o_o; But I thought you were gonna finish your dra --

Mel : [::She quickly pulls a big mallet out of nowhere, and *SMACK!* .. Mint goes flying out from behind Mel, with a scream.:: ]
I told you, don't make decisions! It is I who's commanding this show! And WHO SHALL TAKE OVER THE UNDERWORLD! MUAHAHAHAH!

Mint : [ ::She hits the wall with an equally loud *SMACK!*, and thus, remains there, a big splat, as the camera shows.:: ] Wphit.. x_x;

Mel : Gahahaha -- ! Ahem. [ ::She smiles sweetly, innocence seeping back into her face.:: ] Since Mint is -- Heehee -- "grounded" right now, I shall ask for my next guest!

Mint : Fuu phwutin fhmtsh... x_x;

Mel : [ ::Ignoring Mint.:: ] Please give a warm welcome to the -yougest- to-date White Magess of Mysidia, Porom, Summoner Rydia of Mist, and .. eh.. [ ::She blinks, appearing to be -squinting- at the cuecards.:: ] .. Britney Spears..?

[ ::Applause is quickly enacted as a spotlight shines to a shiny red curtain portraying Sorceress Mel in a realistic portrait. Out from it emerges the little White Mage, who, actting shyful, timidly waves at the audience. Next comes Rydia.:: ]

Ruecian : Aaaah! There's the woman I want to marry! ::He quickly rushes forward to the Summoner, who screams and throws up her hands, causing a triple lightning bolt to come crashing down on the former doll-boy's head.:: ] OW! x_x;

[ ::As Ruecian falls back, Rydia continues forward to Fancy Mel and Porom, waving back at the audience, who rally in applause. Next comes the idiotic demon (Britney XP) herself, at who, the characters sitting on the side labled as "Final Fantasy IV" end up throwing steaming *HOT* bowls of Mysidian Split-Pea soup, while those on the "Dewprism" throw batches of pumpkin pies, who were (OBVIOUSLY) waiting for Mint.. but Britney seems like a better target.:: ]

Britney : MAaaaAaaan! How come you guys are so mean to me?! All I did was sing songs for you! This isn't fair, you bunch of jerks! [ ::She runs off stage, crying, sending the audiences into screaming applause.:: ]

Mel : SHUT UP, AUDIENCE! O YOU ARE INFERIOR, AND ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO MEEEEE! [ ::When all is silent..:: ] Well, well! Welcome to my show! Mint, don't be rude! Come down from that wall, and say hello to my guests!

Mint : [ ::The Elemental Magess has finally pried herself away from the wall, orange pigtailed tendrils waving wildly as she conceeds to put herself together.:: ] Yeah, yeah, in a --

Mel : DON'T TELL ME "No" MIINTO-SAMA! [ .::She lifts up a hand, and a wave of Cockadoos -- appearing out of nowhere, seemingly -- rushes over her head and to the Mage-Princess. Feathers fly as they grip her clothing with their beaks, and pull her down, and over to where the others are standing, the characters from FFIV wide-eyed, and sweat-dropped 'pon the forehead.:: ]

Mint : Dammit, Mel! Get your [*censored*] birds off'a me! [ ::After being freed, she shoots out one hand in attempts to grab a Cockadoo by the leg. The bird just raspberries before turning and flying away with the rest of its brood.:: ] Damn stupid turkey! See if I don't fry your ugly ass for Thanksgiving!

Mel : [ ::After ignorning Mint once more, she smiles brightly to the others, whose sweat-drops have grown bigger.:: ] So.. Are you guys ready to paint?!

Porom : [ ::The Mysidian appears to be -squinting- at a cuecard, occupied with the same troubles as those past. However, the five-year old hasn't had MUCH experience in TV shows, so.. her speech is rather sarcastic, and broken.:: ] Er. Of course we are, Lady Mel! Rydia and I cannot wait! ^_^;

Rydia : ^_^; I agree. Painting is so much fun!

Mint : [ ::Her maroon-hued eyes 'roll' up to the covened ceiling.:: ] For you maybe.. You don't know how much of a pain Mel is!

Mel : We'll begin with doing something I call -- Painting the room Mint! ^__^; [ ::A sort of.. evilistic smile outlines the Sorceress's lips, her visage vastly burning to a look of something that is rather not the normal, cheerful Mel she's (fakily) portrayed as.:: ] Eheheheh.. COCKATOOS! [ ::She lifts up a hand to the ceiling, calling once again the orange-feathered birds to her aide.:: ]

Mint : o_o; I'm.. Not sure if I like this conception of yours, Mel, you hateful, evil eye-candied two-bronze-coin-of-life-piece Usagi-waged saseko! [ ::She quickly looks up at the birds, her hands reaching to her two Cosmo-enchanted golden rings which hang by her side, to take them into her grasp.:: ]

Mel : Gwaaaahaaahaa. Don't be silly, foolish princess... [ ::She 'winks' at Porom and Rydia (who stare at each other in disbelief) before glancing up to the swarm of birds.:: ] Cockatoos! Pick up Mint, and throw her into the wall again!!!

Mint : O___O; AAAAAGH! You're not Mel, you're .. you're.. A polliwog in disguise! x.x; [ ::Nearly dropping her rings in fright, the East Heaven monarch throws her arms over her head, and starts running around the other three in circles, -oddly- avoiding the sorceress's cockatoos.:: ]

Mel : Well now.. Isn't -she- funny..? ^^; She kind of reminds me when I was a little boy.. [ ::The demonic looks slowly fade from Mel's face, as a *buzzer* of sorts sounds high overhead.:: ] Well! I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Mel's Gameshow! [ ::She outstretches an arm, her palm -directly- aiming for the East Heaven princess, who just -happens- to be there, which, in result, sends the girl to the floor with an *Oomph!*, and further allowing the cocatoos to attack.:: ] I hope you all will join me again next week when we perform the new sonata in G minor, courtesy of Edward von Muir's Lutes -- A beautiful sound, without fooling around!

Porom : o_o; Hey, isn't it kinda stupid we just came on stage, Lady Mel?

Rydia : Yeah.. It seems like we shouldn't even be here..

Ruecian : [ ::The doll-like male seems to of gotten over being 'shocked' by the Summoner, and instantly rushes back towards the three standing women, poised to attack Rydia.:: ] Aah! Litbolt to me, equals happiness for you, my sweet! :D

Rydia : Where's Edge when you need him..?! .. [ ::She quickly lifts up her hand, only to smack the doll soundly across the face, as she.. thinks over what she just blurted, and shrugs.:: ] Naaah.. n_n;

Ruecian : X_X; [ ::With the impact, the creature goes spiraling to the ground, akwardly stupid, due to that equally idiotic smile painted on his mask.:: ] Ouch!

Mel : [ ::Grabbing Porom to hug her to her side, she lifts her other arm up to wave at the audiences, and cameras.:: ] See you around, folks! Until next time, take care of yourself.. And each other evil-lesser demon! =D

Jerry Springer : [ ::Who had just happened to be sitting in the audience, stands.:: ] That's my quotation, you hateful, evil eye-candied two-bronze-coin-of-life-piece Usagi-waged saseko!

Mint : [ ::Of course, the cockatoos have done well in aiding Mel's tasks of throwing the princess into the wall, but, instead of doing it just once, they repeat over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.:: ] Ouch! Eee! Gah! Ugh! x_x; I'm gonna fry you for dinner one of these days!

Chocobo : [ ::And as the scene fades out, the feathered creature is seen slapping clawed feet with one of the cocatoos.:: ]