WARNINGS: Language. Mpreg = pregnant male. Hidan, Kisame, (Akatsuki members in general.) Bad/terrible/horrendous crack. Probably extreme OOCness.
AN: This kinda makes fun of mregs and the Akatsuki in general. That doesn't mean that it trashes mregs and KisamexItachi pairings (I 3 KisaIta yes I do ^_^). This idea came from seahorses (b/c the male carries the babies) and ocean fish (b/c some can change their gender).
Itachi woke up to the sound of his partner noisily emptying his stomach. He shut his eyes tight, trying to return to sleep. This had been going on every day for almost two weeks now. He'd been concerned at first, but after being constantly woken up at the crack of dawn he was just getting down right irritated.
The toilet flushed and Kisame walked out, his skin an interesting shade of turquoise.
Flopping down beside Itachi and disrupting him from near bliss the shark groaned out, "Dammit I don't know what's wrong with me! It can't be food poisoning - I've eaten a lot worse than Konan's attempt to cook - or the flu because I don't get regular illnesses." Kisame let out a sigh, Itachi realized he hadn't rinsed his mouth after he'd *ehem* 'paid tribute' to the porcelain throne, he burrowed deeper under the covers, pulling them right over his head. Kisame continued, oblivious to the weasel's discomfort. "Maybe it's some new fish flu, transferred by fish. I did have sushi three months ago…"
Itachi groaned and threw back the blankets, glaring hatefully at the man who kept him from sleep with red eyes. Kisame blanched before realizing it was the whites, not the irises that were red. "Oi, Itachi, you're not lookin' too hot either, maybe you should go talk to Konan or something-" Itachi jerked the blankets back over his head and screamed into the batting for a good five minutes. Kisame sat back and waited, used to his partner's oddities by now.
Finally Itachi removed the blanket from his face and sat up. Kisame watched his sympathetically, "feel better now?" he asked with overdone kindness.
Reminding himself of all the reasons why it would be a bad idea to kill the shark man, not the least of which the mess it would do to his bed, Itachi forced himself from the bed and began getting dressed. "Come on, we're going to Konan."
Kisame followed him to the door, nodding in approval. "That's good, maybe you can get yourself some sleeping pills or-"
"Not for me," Itachi snapped, "for you and your crack-of-dawn morning wake-ups."
Kisame's mouth shut with an audible click and a look of dread crossed his face. "Th-there's no need for that. It's probably just a stomach flu, yeah, It'll be over it in a few days, I promise," Kisame beseeched him in his 'please don't take me to the evil lady' voice.
Itachi's eyes flashed in malevolent glee, "I thought you couldn't get the flu Kisame."
"Stick out your tongue and say 'ahh'," Konan ordered.
"Ahh," Kisame mimicked obediently.
Konan made a face but otherwise didn't comment on his morning breath. "Ok, seems good," she took the stick out of his mouth and peered closely at his eyes. "Now strip." Kisame meeped and clutched the collar of his shirt closed, what was she intending to do to him? She tapped her foot impatiently, "Come on, take the shirt off. Or do I have to get Itachi to assist you?" Konan jerked her thumb over her shoulder to the waiting man. Itachi glared a clear threat at him, 'cooperate'. Reluctantly he complied.
Konan ran a chakra charged hand from his throat down to his belt line. Kisame squirmed as the chakra tickled the sensitive skin and fought not to giggle, that would be very un-missing nin like.
Konan frowned, going another pass over the area. A slight chuckle escaped him and Itachi rolled his eyes, very familiar with how ticklish the shark was.
Konan pulled away with an uncertain sound. "Kisame, how long have you been affected by this illness."
"Almost two weeks," Itachi grumbled.
Konan acted as if Kisame had spoken and continued, "Any fatigue? Abnormal eating habits?"
Kisame considered this for a second then nodded, "I've really wanted sweets lately and I was having trouble staying awake during training yesterday."
"He's been stealing all my dango," Itachi pouted, "and he collapsed in the middle of a battle against Hidan."
"Ok so a yes for both," Konan turned away going into another room briefly. "I think I may know what's wrong with you, I've just got to check one more thing." She came back wheeling a machine which was, in Kisame's opinion, rather intimidating.
"What is that and were does it go?" he demanded.
"It's an ultrasound, nothing to be worried about." Konan pulled out a tube of something and instructed him to lie back on the table. Kisame made a face as the cold jell was spread over his abdomen but didn't protest, resigned to this unusual form of torture. Konan picked up an object like an oddly shaped microphone and flipped a switch on the machine which began to hum. She set the instrument against the shark man's stomach and started to move it around as strange pulsing images appeared on the screen.
She hummed to herself, making a slight adjustment to the image. She froze and simply stared at the screen. After a while Konan shut off the ultrasound and cleaned up the machine, tossing Kisame a towel to wipe the jell off his stomach. She puttered around, putting things in order in the room as both Kisame and Itachi became increasingly perturbed.
At last Konan turned to them, a surprisingly uncertain expression as she began, "Look I don't know how this could have happened or really how to say this so I'll just com out with it." She took a few deep breaths (began hyperventilating) and burst out, "congratulations, Kisame, you're pregnant. You're going to be a mother."
There was stunned silence all around. In moments like this (you know, where you find out that you/your lover seems to be carrying possibly mutated man-babies) there is only one thing to say.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
AN: I enjoy crack ^w^. I'm not sure if I will continue this. If I do it will be very irregular, just whenever I need a little break from more serious works. Anyway, please tell me what you think, review :)