WARNINGS: Language. Mpreg = pregnant male. Hidan, Kisame, (Akatsuki members in general.) Possible trashing of the gay community and Deidara (not intentionally.) Bad/terrible/horrendous crack. Probably extreme OOCness. Review replies that are going to make me sound like a psycho. (is anybody reading them?)
Itachi thinking Itachi thoughts.
TerrorThatLurksInYerBathtub X3: Glad you continue to enjoy it. Here you are, 'new and shinny like' XD
Dragonscale1996: Thank you very much! I like people who are willing to bend a little. Glad you're enjoying the crack. (There are a couple places where it's not so crack-like here, not too off putting hopefully.)
shadowsasorideidara: Thank you for the reviews XD And for the alert and favorite!
Tusken: *teal duck wondering why people who don't like mpregs keep clicking on Fish…* So glad you're enjoying it though :D If you liked that line you should go read some of my brother's stuff, he actually wrote that line, I put a note about it at the end of the last chapter. His username is 'tell me somethin' please'.
KisameKick – Thank you very much ^-^ Glad you're enjoying it.
Chapter 3: The Melancholy of Itachi Uchiha
Itachi stared at the picture in his hand, almost unable to believe the proof right before his eyes, the picture of the two little people who were apparently growing in his lover's body. His fingers grazed over the page, over the spot where Konan had attempted to show him the babies. Kisame had seen them the moment she'd pointed them out. Itachi was still looking.
"What's that?" Deidara asked, peering over Itachi's shoulder to look at the picture.
"My… babies." Itachi replied numbly, for once without an insult or sharp word for the blonde man.
Deidara huffed poutily. Despite the fact that he wanted to kill him and the two were constantly at each other's throats, Deidara had a bit of a crush on him. He probably wasn't happy about Itachi having a strong connection with someone else.
"They look like drumsticks," Deidara sniffed, still pouting.
Itachi slumped, sinking deeper into depression. "You can see them?"
"Yeah. Twins, right?" Deidara huffed again; he was beginning to sound like a bratty woman.
Nodding mutely, Itachi ran his fingers once more over the picture. You'd think that since they were his he'd have some sort of weird affinity for them. Maybe he was supposed to even feel different? More grown up? More like someone who could actually be a father? He'd never expected to have to make this change, I mean, he was with another man! The Uchiha line was meant to end with him.
He closed his eyes briefly, when they opened his eyes were a brilliant crimson. The bloodline trait was no help; all he saw was that he was beginning to smudge the photo.
He frowned. How could Kisame be so certain? The shark man had been frightened, terrified even. But Itachi could tell the thought of abortion had never even crossed his mind. Not like him.
Kakuzu walked into the kitchen. Itachi had been sitting at the table for an hour, since Kisame had announced he intended to take advantage of this and get some sleep. Kakuzu looked sleepily at Itachi and Deidara behind him with his arms wrapped around Itachi as he made his way to the fridge for breakfast.
"Deidara, bad hug," he grunted.
Itachi's shoulders tensed and Deidara nuzzled closer to him.
"Itachi knocked up some chick," Deidara called to him.
Kakuzu's head shot up from behind the fridge door. "Whoa, you're having kids with some random woman?"
Itachi shrugged Deidara off of him and glared at Kakuzu. "Not 'a random woman', Kisame."
This was meant with stunned silence. Itachi reached out slowly and clicked Deidara's jaw shut.
Kakuzu cleared his throat uncertainly, "Kisame knocked you up?"
Itachi pouted, why did everybody think that was logical? "No, Kisame's pregnant."
Once again, silence. Then suddenly, Deidara shrieked. Both of the other occupants in the room jumped and stared as Deidara shrieked with laughter and held his stomach. After awhile he calmed down to little snorts.
He looked at Itachi through streaming eyes. "S-so, Kisame's going to be pregnant? Like, with a belly and everything?" He dissolved into another laughing fit as the visual hit.
Itachi's eyes widened. He'd only been thinking about the effects this would have on his life, he'd considered the emotional and attitude changes that Kisame would go through. He had yet to consider the physical results. He wondered if it had occurred to Kisame yet.
Deidara lunged at the door. "I'm gonna go tell everyone!" he yelled.
In an instant Itachi was jerked out of his bad mood. He sprung to his feet and lunged after Deidara, grabbing hold of the back of his cloak and tackling him to the ground.
Kakuzu glanced up momentarily as they both went crashing to the ground, then turned his back and went back to inspection of the fridge.
Sasori walked through the door right after their crash. "Good morning Kakuzu," he said politely to the masked man.
Deidara made choking noises and tugged desperately at Itachi's arm around his neck. He reached out, tugging at the bottom of his partner's cloak as he finally pulled Itachi off his neck.
"Sasori!" he wined, the red haired man glanced down at the cry. "Sasori! Itachi got Kisame knocked up and now he'd trying to kill me!" he wailed, Itachi's arms fastened around his neck again and he could say no more.
"I'm not sure how those are connected," Sasori frowned. Deidara made a pleading choking noise and tugged at Sasori's cloak again. "Itachi, I suppose congratulations are in order. Do you know the gender of the baby?"
"Thank you and no, Konan said it would be more 'fun' if it was a surprise, and there are two."
Deidara made empty gasping motions and tugged at Sasori's cloak once more.
"Really? That must be exciting."
Itachi shrugged, "More or less."
Deidara gave up on Sasori and tried to wrestle Itachi off him.
"How's Kisame taking it? Freaking out?"
"He's taking it pretty well, more numb than anything I think."
Deidara had turned blue.
Sasori finally looked down at the blonde man. "Itachi, why are you strangling my partner?"
Itachi shrugged, "Never killed anyone this way before." Sasori made a thoughtful sound.
Deidara twitched and then laid still.
Slowly, Itachi let his arms loosen a fraction.
Suddenly Deidara's hand grabbed the exposed skin of Itachi's wrist. Itachi jerked away, clasping his hand over a deep bite mark indentation.
Deidara scrambled to his feet and dove behind Sasori.
"Waaah! Senpai, he tried to kill meee!" Deidara hugged Sasori around the waist and bawled dramatically into his side, peaking every once in a while up at him from behind his hair to make sure he was getting the right response.
"He didn't succeed, which is unfortunate, so what's the damn problem?" Hidan growled, he'd entered largely unnoticed by anyone else and was currently wrestling with Kakuzu over the food.
Itachi picked himself up off the floor, dusting off his clothing. "Exactly, I think you're making far too big of a deal out of it."
Deidara suddenly got that look in his eye. Itachi felt his skin prickle as Deidara gave him a sexy grin. "It's just not the way I'd like you to choke me, or with the right part of… anatomy."
Itachi turned an interesting color, somewhere between green with disgust and red with embarrassment. Sasori calmly removed Deidara's arms from around him and pushed him firmly away. Hidan growled out "fucking disgusting" and Kakuzu began muttering about prostitution.
Tobi appeared around the edge of the door frame, his head cocked curiously. "Why's it so loud in here?"
"Kisame is preggers!" Deidara exclaimed
A subtle shift came into Tobi, Itachi knew at once this was Madara he was looking at.
"Really," he said softly, his full attention now on Itachi, "tell me, Itachi, how did this happen?"
Itachi shrugged, avoiding that one sharp eye beneath the mask. "I don't know, probably something to do with his weird genetics."
Madara motioned outside. "Itachi, may I speak to you privately please?"
Itachi cautiously exited the room, aware of the other's confused gazes on him. They didn't know about this side of the masked man.
Madara turned angrily to him once they were in the hall. "What are you thinking Itachi?" He didn't give Itachi a chance to reply and rushed on. "More Uchiha, after what we went through to rid the world of them. I allowed that boy but this—"
"There is no certainty that they are mine. As his partner, I am expected to take responsibility for him. In all likely hood it's some kind of asexual reproduction and has nothing to do with me," Itachi said tonelessly. In actuality, he had no idea of the cause and doubted what he'd just told Madara.
He seemed to at least partially accept it, though. "You had better hope so. No matter what the outcome, I will not allow the existence of more Uchiha."
Itachi stood perfectly still as Madara strode passed him down the hall, not trusting himself not to do something stupid. He signed as Madara disappeared around the corner. Suddenly he didn't feel at all like eating anything, he'd go down to the training field and burn off some steam.
Kisame woke for the second time that day at the blissful hour of 12:30. He signed in contentment, keeping his eyes closed a little longer. Then he frowned. His chest felt weird, sore almost. He shrugged it off as he rolled to his feet, probably slept wrong.
He went straight from the room to the rec room. He hadn't had a vacation in years, besides sporadic periods between assignments, and dammit! he was going to milk this for all it was worth. Which brought him to the TV, of course.
His good mood was slightly dampened, however, when the moment he walked through the door Deidara jumped him.
"KISAME!" he yelled in his year. The blue man jumped sharply, pin-wheeling his arms backwards in an over the top show of surprise. Deidara didn't give him a chance to recover. "Is it true?" Deidara was in a very impatient mood apparently, the words were barely out of his mouth and he was pulling Kisame's up beneath his armpits. Kisame screeched then pouted, everyone was molesting him today. Deidara's hands smoothed over his stomach and he pressed his face close against his stomach.
At last Deidara pulled away with a disappointed sniff. "It's still flat."
Kisame tugged the shirt back down, frowning, "What are you talking about?"
"Huh? Itachi told us you were pregnant," Deidara's eyes narrowed angrily. "He didn't lie, did he?"
"Yeah, I'm pregnant but why were you…" Kisame shuddered from the recent trauma, "doing that?"
"Well, when women are pregnant they get fat, right?" Kisame was about to correct him that no, women did not get fat when pregnant and it was a good thing that no women heard that because they'd be in danger then… and then it hit him. "I was checking if you were getting fat yet," Deidara finished matter of factly.
Kisame whined and stumbled over to the couch. Hidan was sprawled out in the middle of it and looked up with a glare as Kisame came over. "If you think that I'm movin' you-" he stuttered to a halt, the wide watery eyes of the shark-man coupled with 'uber-pitiful no jutsu' apparently touching something within the masochist and he jumped up immediately as Kisame flopped face down on the couch.
"Ow," he whined rubbing his now red/purple face.
Deidara and Hidan stood poised anxiously at the edge of the couch, glancing at each other. Silently Deidara held out his fist, Hidan mimicked him.
"Rock, paper, scissors," they chanted under their breath. Hidan came up with scissors, Deidara with rock.
Hidan groaned, "Why do I have to do it?"
Deidara held his fist up in demonstration. "Rock, paper, scissors never lies," he stated.
With a put upon huff Hidan cautiously approached Kisame. "Hey buddy," Hidan said gently, "you OK?"
Instantly Kisame was on his feet in a full out rage. "No! I am not fuckin' OK! These babies are ruining my life! They're taking over my body, making me fat," he suddenly tore off his shirt and struck a pose reminiscent of Maito Gai. "Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get this body? And now they're gonna undo all of it in just a matter of months. And then the mood swings," he suddenly threw himself onto the couch and broke out into sobs. "Not to mention loss of bladder control!" he wailed before dissolving into tears.
Hidan reached out a wary hand and laid it on Kisame's shoulder consolingly. The blue man lunged at him with a cry, throwing his arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder. Hidan looked at Deidara in alarm as he pated Kisame's back.
"There, there ah… it'll… be OK," Hidan said haltingly.
"No it won't!" Kisame wailed, "You're wrong and stupid!" 
Hidan just patted his back soothingly and nodded. If he'd learned anything from Konan it was never argue with a woman, even a man with woman's hormones.
"Well if Itachi doesn't go all annihilator on us again," Deidara muttered.
Kisame froze, slowly turning to Deidara with a carefully blank face, "And what do you mean by that?"
Hidan made a cutting motion at Deidara behind Kisame's back. 'I just got him to stop crying!' he mouthed desperately.
Deidara didn't pick up on the warning from either of them though and continued on. "Well Itachi wiped out his whole Clan. That must have been rather difficult; he probably wouldn't want some shark-man and newborns ruining his perfect track record."
Silence fell over the room. Hidan remained perfectly still, not willing to turn to look at Itachi. Deidara remained oblivious, bouncing on his toes in boredom as he waited for a response to his theory.
"Deidara," Kisame hissed his voice dangerously low. Hidan felt a shiver run up his spine. Deidara just looked at him curiously. "Next time, just keep your fucking mouth shut." Deidara's face immediately crumpled into a frown.
"Well, if I'm not appreciated I'll just leave then," he sniffed. Hidan waved and Kisame flicked the TV on. Deidara stomped out of the room. Kisame turned the TV up.
If TV watching were a sport Kisame would have won the gold. Hidan would have had to cross between Kisame and the TV to get out, which he didn't dare to do, so he'd been stuck there for the past six hours. His butt was getting sore and he was hungry. He hopped Itachi showed up soon to deal with him.
This is what my sister said about my auntie's baby when she was little. :3
I have seen this exact scene play out. Between friends and boyfriend and girlfriend.
AN: Could the people who don't like mpregs please tell me why you clicked on Fish? Just out of curiosity, this is some weird anomaly or something. This chapter is technically part one of the chapter but I figured it was long enough and it's been forever since I've updated. But I drew you guys some pre-tty art.
http:/ tealduck2. deviantart. com / gallery/#/d34bcdl
Please check it out *bow* Oh, and Please review, I just love hearing from you guys :)