A/N: This is another bit of crack-fic in that every character is entirely OOC. Written for Fics for Nashville as my contribution to that compilation, it's only ever going to be a one-shot.

This is a work of derivative fiction. All things TWILIGHT are the intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer and/or her assignees. I write merely to entertain myself and others and receive no compensation.


Girls shrieking in ecstasy. Boys writhing in lust on the floor of the gymnasium. Teachers fanning themselves while three pale young men played and sang on the raised dais on one side of the gym.

"Condoms!" Mr. Greene moans, apparently overcome by the feelings that have hit the student body.

Jasper smiles, inhales a little and blows out a soft breath. The teenagers compose themselves, the faculty wipe sweat from their foreheads, and someone has to go looking for a set of chaperones who have disappeared.

Stupid visions. Jasper had better not throw wanton lust out over the assembled dancers tonight!

Mary Alice despised school dances. Her mind was so weighed down with divergent futures among her family members and those with whom they associated that how, really, could she care about something as ephemeral as a Homecoming Dance? Silver balloons and black streamers did not mask the mundane wooden floors, folded bleachers and basketball hoops. The smoke machine pumped out some sweet-stale mess which assaulted her vampiric nose to the nth degree. Three pathetic championship banners were bravely trying to look decorative, but it was a pointless exercise. Mary Alice knew that by the next Homecoming, the gym would have burnt to the ground. Those felt and nylon banners would be a blackened memory.

She rolled her eyes, golden irises practically glowing in the middle of the black liner she used. The eyeliner, she admitted to herself, was camouflage. With her pale skin and inky hair, wearing heavy eye makeup made her appear to be dark and dismal, thus assuring most humans stayed away from her. She was dark and dismal, in her innermost parts.

A voice that registered as an alto on her ears disrupted the psychic's private reverie. "Oh, wow, Mary Alice! I love the plaid boots! Are those from Volatile? I totally hearted them online!"

Mary Alice winced. Bella Swan, only child of the town's Chief of Police, was one of the few humans who seemed perfectly comfortable around a family of vampires. The brown-eyed brunette seemed most at home in the tight vests and short skirts her cheer squad wore but she seemed to enjoy the silver satiny caresses of her homecoming dress, too. "Yeah, Bella. I bought 'em through Google." She despised shopping, too. The mall in Port Angeles was going to experience a roofing collapse in the next big storm, leaving five corpses and dozens wounded. Why would she want to go there? All she would see would be the wreckage of the roof and the eviscerated salesgirl from Nordstrom.

Bella and Edward, his skin sparkling in the sun in Edward's meadow, dancing and laughing together. "You have to help me apply to Dartmouth, Edward! I am not Ivy League material!"

"Au contraire, my sweet Swan. You are entirely Dartmouth material. We can take the same classes and I'll let you know everything everyone is thinking."

Giggling, Bella stops dancing to kiss Edward's cheek. "You're the best boyfriend in the world, Mr. Cullen."

Then, an enormous dark space blurred out the picture and everyone disappeared.

Damn. Werewolves again.

"So, is Projected Jazz ready to go yet, Ali? I love to watch the guys perform," Bella gushed, turning this way and that to find Jasper, Edward and Emmett. As she did so, she waved enthusiastically to her friends around the gymnasium. "Jasper is so...enthralling when he plays."

Mary Alice allowed herself to smirk. "I know." She closed her eyes to pick her way through the futures that surrounded her, finding her husband's performance tonight. Yes, it would go very well indeed. Another smirk tugged at her lips as she considered that the poor humans would have no idea what would be hitting them, later.

"Okay! Great! Hey, I have to go give a speech thing, so I'll see you later, okay?'

An image of Bella stumbling up the stairs as she tried to avoid Mike Newton's unsubtle ass-grab darkened Mary Alice's elfin features. Well, Bella couldn't be protected from everything...

Bella's ass did get grabbed, but she didn't actually stumble. Instead, she was rescued by none other than Rose. The tall, curvaceous blonde grabbed Newton's arm with an icy grip. "I suggest you apologize," she murmured as Bella smoothed her dress. "Now."

Mike blinked. "Uh, sure, Rose. Sorry, Bells. I was only messin', ya know."

Bella shrugged and smiled up at him. "No big deal. But you know if it ever happens again, I'll sic the band on you." She would, too. Not only was Emmett on the band – a killer bass player if there ever was one – but Jasper was, too. And he was a warrior and a rock star! And then, of course, Bella mused as she approached the microphone, there was Edward... Her knight in shining – sparkling! – armor. Her mind-reader (not her mind, but she was really happy about that) who shared all the school gossip with her, as well as the hidden secrets her classmates held.

Was it any wonder the student body was voting her and Edward as Homecoming Queen and King? She knew all their secrets!

"Hello and good evening!" she said, her red-tinted smile bright. From the door that led to the boys' locker room, Edward watched, beaming. "So, we've got a nice crowd! Great to see you!"

"You're great to see, Bells!" a boy called from the floor.

Bella grinned and did a little cheer-shimmy behind the mic. "Tonight, as you know, Projected Jazz will be playing for us to open, and then Eric will take over as DJ for a while and then Projected Jazz will close us down. So I hope you're all ready to dance the night away! Let's Go, Spartans!"

Mary Alice watched as Jasper, Emmett and Edward hopped up on the stage behind Bella. Edward's grin was in evidence, and Mary Alice had visions of two girls throwing their panties at him. Oh, no. No, they changed their minds. Good. Edward only had eyes for his mate, anyway, except for the mischievous look he sent Mary Alice. His sister-of-kind had the flash of a vision of Edward scooping Bella up in a big Hollywood Cinematic Moment kind of kiss. A Rudolph Valentino kind of embrace in front of the entire student body. As soon as she saw it, the vision ended and she knew that Edward was just messing with her head.

Obnoxious vampire. He winked and set up his portable keyboard, flipping on the control board and dramatically shaking out his hands. All very humanesque of him.

Emmett didn't do drama. His bass was tuned and ready as he stood to Jasper's right and a little behind. His demeanor was perfectly controlled, his eyes steady. He caught Rosalie's gaze and nodded once. She dipped her head in submission, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She was utterly submissive to Emmett, but only to Emmett. She – like the others in the family – got a perverse pleasure from messing with Mary Alice's visions.

In her black leather dress, with the high heels and tied cuffs, Rosalie approaches Emmett who nods once to her in the way he has. She drops to her knees in a practiced move that is gentle enough not to split the wooden floor. Her back straight, she gazes straight up into Emmett's eyes. "Yes, Master?"

"Get my spare shirt, pet."

"Of course, Master." She moved at a fast human speed out of the gym, to return moments later with a white dress shirt custom made from Paul Fredrick. Emmett paid attention to detail as Rosalie helped him with his current shirt and made a show of wiping non-existent sweat from his face and neck before sliding on the new shirt and buttoning the hidden buttons.

The vision ended with Rosalie dropping once again to her knees before her Master and unzipping his trousers.

Mary Alice would have shrieked her disapproval at a vampire-audible pitch, but she caught Rose's face and knew that her sister, too, had been messing with her visions.

"You guys need to be locked away," she muttered, knowing that all of them heard her. She had been locked away, back in her human life. She didn't remember the details of her psychiatric incarceration, but research had given her a fair idea of what her life would have been like.

It sucked, not too put too fine a vampiric point on it.

"Now, Ali," Emmett said in a voice she would be sure to hear, "my pet was merely teasing. If anyone locks up anyone else, it will certainly be me."

Mary Alice snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. Fine. Idiot siblings.

"I heard that!" Edward informed her just before executing a quick run of scales on his keyboard.

Then, Jasper tapped the mic and Mary Alice was all attention. Though she grumped at every other aspect of the human mating ritual called The Homecoming Dance, she loved watching her mate perform. He held the mic suggestively, just now, as if his mind were thinking more of his bandmates than his public girlfriend/secret wife. Which only made Mary Alice snort again in amusement at the random futures that manifested briefly.

Tyler, dancing momentarily with Jessica, eyes Jasper up and down like a thirsty man eyeing a dripping wet glass of Coca Cola. Jasper, just to screw with the boy, projects a subtle lust-attraction combo at Tyler and the boy stiffens noticeably.

Then, Jasper catches Mary Alice's eye and winks and the vision dissipates. "Good evening and thanks so much for having Projected Jazz tonight. We're really excited to be able to play for y'all," Jasper said into the mic, letting off a smooth excitement that infected everyone in the room. "Thanks to Bella Swan for her kind introduction," he went on, his voice oozing Southern Honey that succeeded in mellowing out Mary Alice the way nothing on earth could do. She rose from her perch on the bench along the eastern wall of the gymnasium and sidled closer to the band. Three visions arose to melt her mind, and all of them involved post-concert marital moments of acrobatic proportions.

The band got the room hopping. There was absolutely no danger of anyone (save Mary Alice herself) being a wallflower at the Forks Homecoming Dance. Between the music and the Projected Jazz-per mojo, everyone wanted to dance. While he sang, Jasper sent bursts of bravery, confidence, kindness, acceptance and interest about the room so that no one was left standing for the first few numbers.

The band did covers of popular songs, some classic rock tunes and even some original music Edward wrote. Those were slower numbers. Mary Alice focused entirely on her family as the lights swung overhead, bouncing off the silver streamers that matched Bella's dress.

Bella wasn't dancing, but she wasn't playing wallflower, either. She was pretending to get the boys drinks and then taking some sips herself so it appeared that the guys did. Then, she would weave among the dancers on the floor, her popular smile beaming. No one accosted her, so Mary Alice was not troubled by visions.

It was time to crown the Homecoming King and Queen and Mary Alice rolled her eyes. Bella's enthusiasm was palpable, and Jasper was borrowing it to bask in himself as well as share with the teachers. The students, he left alone. A new vision infiltrated her mindscape.

Standing before the mic, the rhinestone-bedazzled crown on her shining mahogany curls, Bella thanks everyone for voting for her and for Edward as their Queen and King. "It's such an honor and I know I'll remember this forever," she gushes, her eyes shining. "And I hope to also remember this," she goes on, biting her lip and bending over to flip the hem of her dress up a little.

There, on her leg, is a skin-toned adhesive bandage. She rips it off and Edward winces in worry, certainly thinking that the scent of Bella's blood was about to be let into the air around him. "Bella, my love? Are you all right?" he whispers.

She straightens, her fingers clutching the bandage.

The vision zooms in and suddenly, Mary Alice sees it and blinks before staring, open mouthed at Bella, who is just now making her way to the platform while Edward pretends to towel off his face and hair in preparation for standing at her side.

"Edward, I love you so much and I want to tell everyone here tonight that you are my world and my best reason for living," Bella says, her voice clear and confident as she faces Edward behind the standing microphone. She peels a plain platinum band from the bandage and offers it to Edward. "Will you marry me?"

The shriek that erupted from Mary Alice's throat was anything but musical. "What?"

Bella, on the second step up to the top of the dais, laughed loud and long. Edward joined her, having seen the vision with the psychic while also connecting with Jasper's emotional read on Bella, who was clearly amused and full of mischief. He wrapped his arms about Bella and kissed the back of her pale, slender neck.

Edward, Mary Alice grumped in her mind while glaring at her favorite brother, I hate your mate.

"She's just messin' with you, Mary Alice. She really fits in with this family. I think she'll make a perfect vampire."

Well, that was something to look forward to, Mary Alice reflected as the dance finally ended. She could just see Bella now...

And she winced. So that's what really happens at the mall in Port Angeles...

The End.


A/N: Thanks for reading! Did it make you smile even a little? :)