I'll Lie For You
Disclaimer: Twilight and it's characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Just a fan fiction guys.
I could feel myself breathing. The rise and fall of my chest indicating that my body was still, in fact, working correctly. It didn't feel that way. For the first time in what seemed like forever, for the first time since Sam left me, for the first time since my father died; I felt completely broken. I watched as the blues and blacks the night sky held began to swirl and blur. The stars suddenly too bright, forcing my eyes into a squint. I knew the culprit of my sudden vision impairment. The same unwanted source that I'd spent the better part of two years fighting against. Tears.
I hadn't cried in so long. It had been months since my last tear fell, and my mother dying seemed to be a good enough reason. I hadn't regretted the tears I shed for her. She deserved them, and so much more. Jacob and Embry had helped Seth and I piece ourselves back together again after her death, and I'd never be able to show them how grateful I was. For Seth, it was his first heartbreak. The first time in his life that something truly was enough to shatter his broad and always present smile. The smile that could lift anyone's spirits on the worst of days, was absent for a long time after her funeral. It broke my heart seeing him that way. But I understood. It was nothing new for me. More tears, more heartache. But this time, when I recovered, it was different. I had Jacob.
I joined his pack for a few different reasons and maybe with a few expectations, hopes, maybe. But gaining his friendship, and his love, was something I honestly didn't see coming. It was pathetic the way he put up with me, the way he helped me and never just let me suffer. I hated him for it, because I always did the same things. But loved him at the same time, because I was never alone. I knew I always had someone to share my story, and my pain, with. He always found me, always picked me back up and forced me to move forward. He knew my reasons for being so unhappy nowadays, and even though I knew they hurt him, he stayed right there beside me nonetheless.
He wasn't my boyfriend. We weren't in an uncommitted relationship. Nobody mentioned it or voiced it. It was just there. We could feel it, both of us. The only difference was, he could accept it. Maybe I truly am a glutton for punishment. I could be with Jacob. I could start over with him. I could take a shot at what could easily be the one good thing left in my life. But instead, I fall back into exactly what started my spiraling downfall to begin with.
I feel like such a hypocrite more often than not. I told Jacob for all that time how stupid and weak he was for pining after Bella when she was so clearly hopelessly devoted to someone else. Yet, I find myself continuously going back to the one person who I've always given ridiculous amounts of power over me. He's the one person that will blatantly use me for a simple fuck, then leave me to return to his imprint the next day. He fills my head with dreams of returning to the past and reliving the life that should have been mine. The one I'd given up on so many times before. The only thing that ever had enough impact on me to bring me to my knees. I see myself so differently, and constantly think of what my mother would say if she could see me now.
Alone, on a cliff, watching helplessly as time continues on. I watch the waves crashing against the rocks and sand, carrying various discarded planks and seaweeds in and out. The breeze isn't enough to cool my overheated skin, nor is it enough to quell my rapidly beating heart. I'm afraid. This time is different, and I know it. This time, it cant be forgotten. It cant be overlooked. It cant be discarded to the back of our minds. This time, it's real, and with it comes severe consequences. It was a mistake, another one, but a mistake all the same. I regretted it instantly. I told Jacob, and he gave me the same patient, understanding presence he always did. I felt equally as horrible as I did all the times before, but when he got up to leave, something changed. I could see the hurt on his face, despite how hard he was trying to hide it. I made myself a promise that day, and I'd kept to it. I haven't slept with Sam in three months. Jacob, Seth, Quil, Embry and I have been slowly dealing with things and… for a split second… I thought that everything was going to be alright….
I feel the tears continue to pour from my eyes, my silent sobs breaking the hold I have on my knees. I don't know how to deal with this. There are no smart ideas or witty ways out. I'm stuck. There's no way to make it better.
I hear Jacob's voice and cringe. Everything present in his tone only brings more tears, the obvious confusion confirming that my little secret wont be a secret much longer. I cant lie to him. Moments like this one, I truly wish I could. I wish I could push away all the feelings I've developed for him. Everything he's done for me, everything we've been through; gone. I wish it was that simple. I wish he didn't love me. I wish I didn't love him. The fact that he does, and that I do, is only going to make this harder. Because after this, nothing will be okay. He'll never look at me the same.
"Uh, -yeah..-.." I try to sniff back the remnants of my breakdown- to no avail. "..what's up?"
He sits down beside me and hangs his feet over the edge. He doesn't look at me, or touch me. I already know what he's thinking. This is how it always works with us. Everything goes great for a while, and then I do something like… sleep with Sam. I wish that was the case this time.
"What happened?" He asks quietly as he places a hand on my bare thigh, squeezing it to let me know that I can talk to him.
Just like he always does.
"It's, uh…" I begin…but suddenly feel as if I'm choking. My words feel like acid coming up in my throat.
When I stay silent, he sighs. "Sam?"
He says the name and I feel like vomiting. I feel as if I could actually be compared to Sam… am I really as bad as him? Am I as bad as Bella? Not in the whiney, pathetic, damsel sort of way; but is what I'm doing to him just as bad? It has to be.
I nod and turn my head, trying desperately to blink back the new batch of tears. I shake my head, feeling so out of character. This isn't me. I've allowed one person to control my emotions and… well… my life, for so long now; I don't even know who to be. Sam has been the center of my happiness, the center of my sadness, the center of my pain. I want to hate him for it, I want to blame him; but I cant. It was his fault the first time, that much I can say for sure. But every time after that is all on me. I let this happen, and I with that, I see exactly how far I've fallen.
"Yeah….actually it is." I whisper, moving my hand on top of his.
Jesus, I don't want to do this.
I hear him let out a heavy breath, slow nods acknowledging my answer. I see his eyes darken, his features hardening under the assumption that we've slid back to square one. Before I can continue, I hear rustling behind us. I start to turn but stop when Jacob remains still, staring strait ahead.
"You didn't come home, they were worried." He said quietly, his voice gruff and pained. "We all were."
I reach to touch his face, but he flinches back, shaking his head.
He's never done that.
"So what happened?" He pushed, removing his hand from under mine.
He's never done that either.
I hear them moving around behind us, circling the trees surrounding the ledge. My stomach twists and this time I feel as if I really will puke. I turn away and lean forward, taking short, deep breaths to try and calm my obviously upset stomach.
"Jake…" I breathe, trying to find the right words. "..It's not what you think."
His gaze drops to the dirt, his eyes seeming just as confused as he is. I can see them softening only to harden again, the slight glaze over them irrefutable. My chest tightens, whatever courage I had slowly slipping away.
"So what was it this time?" He asks loudly. "He told you he was still in love with you? You weren't thinking strait? You were drinking? You were upset? He was just there? It was the wrong time… Jesus, Leah… when is this going to stop?"
I can hear the exasperation in his voice as he finished, his hand slowly running through his hair. My resolve continues to crumble the more aggravated he seems to get.
"You know.." He starts, pinching the bridge of his nose. "He doesn't love you.. Not like I do."
He turns his head away from me, bringing his arms to rest on his legs, fiddling with his fingers. "What exactly do I have to do to make you see that? What else can I do? When will it be good enough for you?"
I stare at him, surprised. He's never acted like this before. He's never so much as flinched when I told him about me and Sam.
When the words escape, the whole world seems to stop. The ocean freezes over, the sky halts all movement. There is no breeze, no sounds. All I can hear is his breathing, his heartbeat. It speeds up ten fold, his breaths shallow and harsh. He turns and gapes at me, uncertainty scattered all over his face.
I'm not sure what else to say. The reality of it; of how it sounds exiting my mouth, of how real it is, is more unnerving that I'd ever thought possible. I watch him as his face shifts drastically over and over again, so many different emotions playing on his face. He's not saying anything. What can he say?
"I haven't slept with Sam in three months…. I found out this morning…"
He says nothing.
I feel the tears returning. "I know that.. -this-… I know this changes everything.. I just don't know what to do. I cant tell him… I cant tell everyone about what we've been doing…"
The rustling behind us stops. I hear them phasing and dressing, obviously having heard. I didn't see them approaching, I was too engulfed in the mixture of emotions still running across Jacob's face. But it didn't take long for them to break the awkward cloud that had settled in. I could feel them all staring at me. I could hear their blood pumping quicker than it usually would. And when I turned to them, I could see the worry clear as day on their faces. Not that I blamed them, it was pretty fucked up.
"You're pregnant?" Seth breathes out, his eyes wide and bloodshot. "With Sam's baby?"
"Jesus, Leah…" Embry kneels in front of me. "how are you going to tell him?"
I shake my head and force a smile. "I'm not. He wont leave Emily, and this will only cause more problems between everyone in both packs… and imprints I guess. I'll just, uh.. Say that it's someone else's… someone they don't know and…- I guess will never meet."
The thought of telling everyone I was having a baby with someone they'd never met, nor heard of, wasn't very comforting. In fact, it only made my stomach twist that much more. I'd not only be the bitter ex, I'd be the bitter ex-turned-whore. As if I needed that drama.
"Uh, no." Seth says shortly. "I'm not going to have everyone thinking, and probably saying, that you're some sort of slut when Sam is just as guilty. He should have to-"
"We'll say it's mine." Jacob interrupted, standing.
I turned to look at him, only to find his gaze fixed on the others. "We'll say that me and her have been 'secretly dating' for months now….we didn't think she could get pregnant. They'll have no reason to believe otherwise."
I stared at him, completely disbelieving. "Jacob you don't have to do that, I don't want you to be caught in the mi-"
He cupped my face, his features void of any doubt. "I want to do this…. We're gonna do this. Nobody says anything until she's ready to spread the word, and when she does, this is our story. Right?"
Quil, Embry and Seth nodded and smiled, suddenly taking interest in my barely there belly. It was small, but you could see it. That was the first thing I noticed, the first thing that brought my attention to all the other signs. I would have never second guessed had I not seen it. I wanted to return their sudden enthusiasm, but it was a lot to comprehend all at once. I knew we had all gotten closer, that we'd developed bonds and support systems, but this was… it was….-
"Can you guys give us a minute?" Jacob asked quietly, motioning for them to head back.
They nodded, all hugging me before disappearing behind the trees. I felt alone. I wasn't sure what to think. What Jacob was offering just seemed… unfair. I'd strung him along all this time, constantly voiding our 'relationship' of any sort of trust or commitment on my part. It didn't seem right.
There mere thought… that he'd do something like that for me….
"Alright, look…" He started, closing the distance between us. "I know… that this is…complicated, I understand that. But…. I'm not going to let you do this on your own. You're strong, you're independent… you're a big girl and can take care of yourself… I've always known that… but this is different. I don't want you raising a baby alone because of a decision you and Sam both made… I don't want that child-" He places a hand on my stomach, closing his eyes. "-growing up without a father because Sam is permanently committed to someone else. It's not fair… for either of you."
"It's not your responsibility." I state almost inaudibly, resting my head on his chest.
"It is if you'll let it be."
I wrap my arms around his waist, nuzzling myself as far into him as I can. I could do it on my own, I know I could. I could tell everyone that I slept with some random dude, get a job, and support us. I could raise he or she by myself. I just didn't want to. I wanted the baby to have a father… a good father.
"I love you, Leah." He whispers in my ear. "This isn't how I wanted to start our relationship…..but it doesn't change how I feel."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying my best to comprehend exactly what he's suggesting. "So… you're telling me that you will pretend to be my baby's father, still attempt to have a relationship with me…. Even after all that's happened? You'll always know that it's not yours…"
He traces his fingers through my hair, kissing my forehead. "Yes, yes… and as far as I'm concerned.. If you let me do this, and it's me and you raising this baby, and I'm the one he or she calls daddy… it's just as much mine as it is yours."
"You're so stupid." I say softly, a small smile creeping to my face. "I don't think you know what you're committing to."
He chuckles lowly. "Oh, I do. Like I said, it's complicated. But you both deserve a good life, with someone that loves you. I can give you that. All you have to do is say yes."
I cant say for sure how long we stood there, or when the others came back, but I knew what I wanted. I still felt like I was being selfish, like I was taking advantage. But the fact that I truly did love him, gave me enough justification to say yes. I wanted to be with him. I had for a long time. Of course neither of us thought something like this would be what brought us together, but we were together all the same. It had only been about five minutes after I'd agreed when I started really digesting what this meant. Seth and the other two had no trouble expressing their excitement, or their 'protectiveness'. Their support was more than refreshing. And although I was apparently about to be a mother, the fear was slowly subsiding.
"When are you going to tell everyone?" Seth asked, breaking the short silence.
"yeah, you know Billy is gonna flip when he finds out he's having a grandkid." Quil adds, grinning childishly.
I smile hearing someone say it, like it's actually real. Like we're actually turning this fucked up situation, into something good. Into something that will make everyone happy.
"I cant keep it a secret much longer.." I say, pulling my shirt up slightly.
"Let's tell them tomorrow." Jacob says, squeezing my hand. "They're already having a bon fire… might as well get it out of the way while everyone is together."
My smile remains. "I guess the sooner the better, right?" I say more enthusiastically than I'd meant to.
"ah man, when do we get to find out what it is?" Embry asks suddenly, jumping down from a large log.
"Hell yeah! I hope it's a boy!" Quil yells happily, following Embry.
I turn and see Jacob smiling widely, shaking his head. "Well… they may be a little stupid… but at least you know they'll be there."
I nodded. "I know.."
"I guess we should go get some sleep… we got a long day ahead of us tomorrow… we're having a baby.." He half laughs.
I roll my eyes and shove him playfully, reveling in how good that sounds coming from him. "I guess we kinda are."
Seth runs ahead of us, grinning. "We're having a baby!"
I peek over at Jacob one more time, my smile matching his.
"We're having a baby."
a/n. I have nooo idea where this came from. I just had to get it outta my friggin head before it drove me insane! I kept trying to write my other updates and THIS story/idea kept finding its way into my other stories. Well, here it is, out of my system and posted. I can get back to my other updates! Geez! =) Leave me some reviews guys, they make my day. I'm back from vacation and hope to get some updates out tomorrow night. Of course, reviews do inspire me... so feel free!