CARTMAN'S ROYAL DRAMA
This is my first South Park fanfic. I would stop a bullet for Matt and Trey, but I do not own etc. Please comment nicely!
(Another day in class at South Park Elementary. On the chalkboard, NATIONAL WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH. Presenting to the class, Wendy, Bebe, and Red. All three girls are wearing costumes of great women through history.)
"I'm Elizabeth of England, and I say girls can do anything." Red went first, getting a little applause from the girls. The guys all looked bored and disgusted, especially Cartman.
"I'm Jane Austen, and I say girls can imagine anything." Wendy went second, getting a little more applause.
"I'm Joan of Arc, and I say girls aren't afraid of anything!" Bebe got the most applause, probably because she was last.
"Fascinating report, girls," Mr. Garrison said, sounding bored and bitter as usual. "A+ for all three of you."
"What? A+? What the hell is this bullcrap?" Cartman came alive at once, his fat face full of outrage and indignation. "Mr. Garrison, that report was totally lame!"
Wendy's dark eyes narrowed dangerously. "Don't make me kick your ass after school again, Eric."
The fat boy looked scared, then immediately began to bluster. "Oh yeah, like you even could a second time." He quickly turned back to the teacher. "Mr. Garrison, that report was total feminist propaganda. All those women were lying hippie abortionists, who practiced satanic ritual murder."
"God, Cartman, you are such a dumb-ass," sighed Kyle Broflovski.
Mr. Garrison didn't really have control of the class at this point. He was just sitting behind his desk thinking about how stupid all the kids were and how much he hated having to grade papers and make phone calls and pretend to teach. If only the stupid Women's History reports could go on forever! That gave him an idea.
"Well, Eric, if you think you could do a better report, why don't you research one of these great historical women and put on a presentation of your own on Monday." Though he sounded totally indifferent, Mr. Garrison was thinking ahead; he was always tired on Monday from having his fanny pounded by other men and having gay orgies all weekend.
"Mr. Garrison, don't do that," Bebe squealed. "All he'll do is make up weird lies and take up valuable class time."
"What's wrong with that?" asked level-headed Stan Marsh.
"Mmm-hmm hmm mmm-hmm" mumbled Kenny McCormack. No one could be sure what he said, but it was probably something like, "wasting time in school is awesome!"
Kyle raised his hand. "Mr. Garrison, if Cartman does a report, can I be an independent fact checker? I really need the extra credit." Kyle was lying about the extra credit. What he was really thinking was that it would be great to prove Cartman was a total liar and a dumb-ass once again. Also he secretly liked Bebe and wanted to help her out.
But mostly he just hated Eric Cartman.
"Fine, Kyle, just make sure you grade Eric's work honestly." One less job for the teacher, Mr. Garrison thought smugly. "All right now, children, let's get back to the rise of Prohibition. After Charlie Manson rubbed out Al Capone, he founded his own baseball team called The Chicago Black Sox. They lost games on purpose to make fans drink more. Now a bartender from St. Louis named Steve McQueen . . ."
When Saturday afternoon came around, Leopold "Butters" Stotch got a visit from Eric Cartman. The most innocent kid in the class, cute blonde Butters was playing with his toy trucks on the front lawn while quietly humming a little tune.
"Can't you see, aw now can't you see, what that woman, she's been doing to me . . ."
"All right, Butters, it's time to put the toys away. You've got to help me stop the feminist invasion of South Park."
"Aw, hey Eric!" Butters' friendly smile disappeared as Cartman's words sank in. "Well now, there isn't any invasion coming is there? The girls just want us to learn more about women's history so we can learn to treat them better."
"Wrong, Butters! They want us to learn their version of history so we can fall under the spell of feminist brainwashing. That's how they operate. We've seen it before, Butters. Feminists are just like the Taliban in Afghanistan. First they make you learn lies at school, then they outlaw free expression, then they cut off your wiener!"
"Well gee! I sure don't want anyone to cut off my wiener!" Impressionable Butters was in total panic. Then he hesitated. "Uh, Eric, we're not gonna fight the girls, are we? I'll get grounded for sure if we fight the girls."
"We're going to fight them all right," Cartman said. "And this time, we're going to use the most powerful weapon of all."
While Cartman was recruiting Butters for his evil scheme, Kyle was walking in the woods by Stark's Pond with Bebe. It was like a real turning point in his life, he thought dizzily. He'd just been playing basketball with Stan and Kenny and all of a sudden the girl he liked wanted to go for a walk!
"I hope that Cartman does a report on Queen Elizabeth of England," Bebe was saying. "Powerful women are so cool!"
"Elizabeth was really smart," Kyle agreed. "I already looked her up on-line. She spoke seven languages and she was friends with Shakespeare!"
Bebe beamed at him. "You're so awesome, Kyle."
"I am?" Kyle was scared. Was this where they kissed? Was that what Bebe wanted? What if he made her angry? What if he threw up like his friend Stan? "Do you like me, Bebe? I mean really like me?"
"Of course I do," Bebe said smugly. "You're the smartest kid in class, and the only boy who is really going places. You're not a loser like that fat Cartman or mumble-mouthed Kenny. Are you going to be a lawyer when you grow up? I want to be a lawyer, or maybe a judge. I'll bet if Elizabeth were alive today she'd be the President of the United States!"
Kyle got a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Bebe, those guys are my friends. But I guess Elizabeth would be a better president than some of the losers we've had," he quickly added.
"Of course she would," Bebe chirped. "Women are more sensible than men. And more caring and compassionate! A great queen like Elizabeth would never do the stupid things American presidents do, like arresting people for no reason and locking them away in secret prisons for years and years without a fair trial. Only men do horrible things like that!"
"Well, I hope Cartman gives a good report for a change," Kyle said nervously. "I'll try to stop him from telling any lies."
"Oh Kyle, you're the best! I knew I could count on you." Bebe gave Kyle a look that made him forget all about Stan and Kenny and Cartman.
Then they kissed, and he didn't even throw up.
On Monday, Cartman stayed inside all through recess to make sure the classroom was set up for his presentation. Craig and Clyde, his two henchmen, helped out as well. Everyone was sure that Cartman would take front and center as the star of the show, but when the presentation began it was Craig who acted as narrator.
"This is the story of a woman who wasn't afraid to break the rules," Craig intoned, in his droning nasal voice, as the classroom went dark just like a theater. "This woman believed in compassion, mercy, and consideration for others, even when they did her wrong. Naturally she died horribly and accomplished nothing. We now return to the year 1564 to examine the life of a total failure, the cousin of Elizabeth of England, Mary Queen of Scots."
A low gasp went up from the classroom. Most of the kids had never even heard of Mary Queen of Scots. Was Cartman pulling a double cross? Suddenly there was an even bigger shock, as Butters appeared dressed up like a beautiful lady.
"Well uh, I'm Mary Queen of Scots, and I love dancing, and music, and talking real fancy in French, and uh pretty much anything girls like I guess. So now I need to find a husband!"
The kids all laughed as Mary's "husband" appeared. Kenny McCormack wasn't wearing a costume, just his usual orange parka. He babbled and staggered around, until Butters got a hold of him and went into a romantic pose, to more giggles.
"Oh, Lord Darnley, well uh I think you're the handsomest man in Scotland! I know you're drunk all the time, and stupid, and won't be able to help me run the country, but uh, the main thing is just being in love, I guess. Will you marry me?"
"Mm hmm." Kenny's mumble made the kids laugh even harder.
"It wasn't long before Mary knew she'd made a terrible mistake," Craig informed the class. There was huge laughter as Kenny continued to stagger around and bump into chairs and desks, as Butters desperately tried to control him. "Not only was the young lord a hopeless drunkard, he couldn't control his jealousy, his fits of rage or his lust for other men."
"I really like this presentation a lot," Mr. Garrison murmured.
"But then one winter night in 1567," Craig said dramatically, "there was an explosion. Lord Darnley was suddenly and mysteriously killed."
Kenny had been lying on a bench by the window, pretending to sleep, when suddenly he got blown right through the roof!
"Oh my God," Stan cried. "They killed Lord Darnley!"
"You bastards!" Kyle exclaimed.
"Oh, woe is me!" Butters wailed, standing in front of the class and wringing his hands like a damsel in distress. "My husband is dead and my people have turned against me. What shall I do?" A light bulb seemed to go on over his head. "I know! I'll go and visit my cousin, Queen Elizabeth of England. She's smart and has power, so uh, she's sure to help me out!"
"Behold! Behold, I am Elizabeth!" This was the big moment. Coming out from behind a pile of desks in the back of the classroom, Cartman made his way forward. He looked even fatter than usual in his fancy gown with the lace ruff, and he wore a red wig on his head that was totally tangled and falling off crookedly in all directions. He also wore a paper crown and carried a ruler painted gold to look like scepter.
"Oh, uh, gee it's good to see you, mighty cousin Elizabeth! Can you help me?" Butters knelt down before the desk that Cartman climbed up on like a throne. "I lost power in Scotland because I cared more about uh, men and good times than the really important stuff, like power and money. I guess I just uh, failed to think ahead."
"You lost your throne because of a man?" Cartman's fat face wore a look of absolute astonishment, and he held it for a long moment, maximizing the drama. Then suddenly he snapped, becoming Elizabeth of England in a towering rage.
"Bad! Bad! That's a bad Mary!" Cartman swung his ruler with gusto, like a mean nun in a Catholic school. He really was Elizabeth punishing the Queen of Scots. "You have betrayed the feminist cause, Mary. You have made things tougher for smart women everywhere. You must be made an example!" Clyde and Token stepped forward as jailers, carrying fake battle-axes. "This woman is a terrorist! Take her to the Castle of Guantanamo Bay!"
"B-b-but I didn't do nothin'!" Butters wailed, in tearful fashion. "Why can't I go free? We're supposed to be sisters!"
"You're with us or against us, man-lover," Cartman sneered. "I am Elizabeth. Respect my authority!"
"Elizabeth kept Mary locked up in prison for the rest of her life," Craig intoned, drawing the presentation to a close. "Although she was never found guilty of any crime, the Scottish queen never saw her home or her family again. Elizabeth is an important role model for young women today."
The lights went up. The whole class seemed kind of dazed. There was still a big hole in the roof where Kenny had been blown away. Finally Mr. Garrison spoke up.
"Well! That was very impressive, Eric. I'd say for costumes and drama alone all you boys deserve an A." The boys perked right up. Even Butters looked pleased with himself.
Wendy and Bebe instantly jumped to their feet, just as Cartman had the other day. "Mr. Garrison, that whole presentation was nothing but sexist stereotypes and demeaning lies about smart women with power!"
The lazy, laid-back teacher quickly backtracked. "Well, girls, I might lower the grade, but only if our independent fact checker says he saw some major historical mistakes."
All eyes turned to Kyle Broflovski. Everyone knew how much he hated Eric Cartman. More than that, everyone knew he was the smartest kid in the class. Kyle enjoyed learning for its own sake. And he was always honest and truthful, just like his best friend Stan Marsh.
Kyle knew it was an important moment. Mr. Garrison trusted him. So did the kids. Bebe was giving him a special look, one that said she knew he would put Cartman in his place.
But he couldn't.
"Uh, Cartman did a really good job," he muttered, looking at the floor. "Most of what got acted out on stage really happened. Except Mary probably wanted someone to kill her husband. And then she married the guy who probably did it. And uh, Elizabeth didn't just lock Mary up. She had her beheaded, but the axe guy was nervous and needed three or four tries. Mary was brave all the way through it, but they killed her anyway. And then when Elizabeth found out about it she threw this big temper tantrum and tried to pretend it was all a mistake. She basically blamed it on her ministers."
"Fine, fine, excellent research, Kyle." Mr. Garrison had no idea if the little Jewish kid was telling the truth or not, but he really didn't have any more time to waste on this crap anyway. "Sorry, Eric, but with those details left out the most I can give you is a B+. But you boys still did a terrific job."
When the bell rang at the end of the day, Kyle ran right over to Bebe's locker and apologized.
"I know Cartman's a total jerk, but he really did put mostly facts into his report," he said, with a look of pained sincerity. "You're not mad at me, are you Bebe?"
"Of course I'm not, Kyle," the blonde said, tossing her hair in a very superior way. "Boys just naturally stick together."
Kyle hated himself for asking, but he couldn't help it. "So uh, would you maybe like to ride bikes this afternoon?"
Bebe gave him her nicest smile. "I'd love to, Kyle, but I really can't. Maybe some other time!"
Kyle really had no idea where Bebe was coming from, whether she was furious or really felt like forgiving him or just didn't care at all. At least guys did things out in the open.
"Kyle, you Jew rat! I am going to get you for this!" Cartman was in his face as usual. "I had an A+ locked up until you shot off your fat Jew mouth!"
"I said you did a good job, Cartman." Kyle pushed him aside, but he couldn't even feel mad at the fat dumb-ass.
"Oh, sure! I hit the feminists with the ultimate weapon, historical truth. But you wanted to get with Bebe and play slip and slide. You sold me out, just the way Huck sold Jim so he could go to the prom with Scarlett O'Hara. The price of pussy is high, Kyle. Sometimes it's too high to pay."
Kyle felt like hitting the fat-ass, but instead he just walked away. At least Stan was still his friend. He was waiting outside, wearing his favorite blue and red cap. "Dude, history sucks. Why did you let yourself in for all that trouble?"
"Aw, it's not so bad. At least I got some extra credit." The two boys started walking. "You know, Stan, I learned something today. Sure it's easy to laugh at women who pretend a medieval monarch like Elizabeth was really a champion of human rights. Most feminists have no idea what Elizabeth really did. But men have thousands of leaders they can admire. Women have just a few. Mary was an innocent victim, sure. But feminism is a revolution, and in every revolution some innocents have to be sacrificed. Elizabeth was a leader who made tough choices, just like Roosevelt or Stalin. And women everywhere are glad she did."
Just then, Kyle and Stan saw their good friend Butters, still in drag, being booted down the street by his dad. "Dressing up like a girl, Butters? What kind of sissy behavior is that?"
"But – but I wasn't just a girl, I was a queen! I was Mary Queen of Scots!" The frightened Butters still sounded proud.
"Well, next time dress up like a woman who really accomplished something! This Saturday you are marching right down to the wax museum, young man, and don't come back till you look just like Diane Sawyer!"
Kyle and Stan just looked at each other, and then that strange off-beat music started playing in the background.
It was the end of another exciting day in South Park.