Before the rising sun

"Get off my bed, novice—you're criminally large."

"Why, rafiq, no wonder you were moaning so wildly yesterday night."


"—for thou can cleanse the impurities of us like an intimate tide—"

"Oh, hell, if you wanted a good washing, why didn't you say so?"


"Indefinite gratitude for thou, Allah, who created the earth and—"

"Is it over yet?"

To break the fast

"What are you staring at?"

"Can I have some of your meatloaf? No, not that one; I mean the one in your pants."

Requesting permission

"I come to eliminate Frances de Chanson."

"Do what you will—except … Don't bring fifty templars into my door!"

"Hey: It only happened thirty times."


"May thou bless us as we partake in our midday meal, O God, to better prepare thy people in service to your king—"

"Malik, I have successfully rid the city of France—"

"Vouz avez plein de merde!"

"Die, you blasted heathen!"

"Retourne enculer les mouches!"

" … "


" … "

" …"



" …. So … your homemade date and nut bread is quite a delicacy—"

"Just shut up and eat!"

" … whatever I want?"

"Do what you wish; simply leave me be—Ibn himar! What the hell do you think you are doing? And get your dirty hands off my ass!"

"But you stated that I could eat whatever the heck I wanted!"

Market square

"Come, come, have a look! See what I have to offer!"

"Malik, Malik!"


"Condoms are 50% off!"


"Novice, what is it that you are doing?"

"I wish to join you for prayer, so I am cleansing."

"In a birdbath?"


"Not bad, trainee: Your devotion to prayer is impressive."


"If it wasn't for the fact that you were praying to elongate your member."

"Don't worry, my brother—your secret is also safe with me … and the bed."


"The difference is the length of the rod."

"Oh, yeah—you bet."


"I am curious: What is it that you prayed about so earnestly?"

"Hm … let me just tell you that it revolved around a nice jar of oil and a king-sized mattress."

"Ugh, don't tell that's all you thought about."

"Well, that's for you to know, and for me to find out … if I still kept the receipt for my purchase."

" … why do I even bother?"


" … and what is this supposed to be?"

" … okay, so it may not what you're used to, but it's actually not bad. Give it a taste: You'll love it."

"Novice, I asked what in God's name this was."

"It's my own meatloaf—all ready for you."

"Oh, really? You should've gotten a bigger one, because this one's too small to sate my appetite."


"I prayed for you: for your safety, for your prosperity, for happiness; I prayed because I normally don't, and it'd seem as if it'd be a damn shame to throw such an opportunity away—I prayed because you'd finally acknowledge me. I fucking prayed because I just wanted to see you grimace and throw a pot of ink at my head. I prayed because I'm disgustingly nervous to break this moment, when I can hold your hand without getting a dagger shoved up my ass. I prayed because you'd let me."

" … "

" …. "

"Wow, you can most certainly be poetic when you need to be."

" …. Huh? Oh … thanks."

"Congratulations, you've officially been promoted ten ranks in my eyes."


"Of course: You now obtain the rank of 'fucking asshole'."

A while away from slumber

"Did you know your eyes are reflective?"

"Hm, is that supposed to be a bad thing?"

"No—it's a sight to see: They're practically illuminative in the moonlight."

"What, like your glow-in-the-dark underwear?"

Drifting in a haze

"Goodnight, Malik."

" … "

"Goodnight, Malik."

" …. "

" …. Goodnight, Malik."

" …. "

"I said, 'Goodnigh—"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Oh, of course—may you also have fair dreams."