This is something random, and completely pointless that I've had floating around my head for a while now.

Mass Effect is owned by BioWare.


"What about that girl from navigation?" Matthews asked.

"Nah. Scuttlebutt is she's pregnant." Hadley responded.

The two of them were in the Normandy's shuttle bay sorting the latest on load of supplies for inventory. Fuel and probes were constantly being used up and stops at the depots that dotted the starscape were frequent. Food was also on loaded on a regular basis, Commander Shepherd making sure to include items from Rupert's list each time, much to the crew's delight.

Normally this would be a job for the quartermaster, but the closest they had to one was Rupert, and he was groundside dealing with some matter that had come up. So the two of them were stuck counting boxes and logging them in.

"What, you don't like experience?"

"I don't mind it, but I just don't like the idea of doing it while she…I mean if it were mine, or I thought it was mine, then yeah, but…not while she's got someone else's."

"Alright, I'll buy that." Matthews scanned the crate in front of him and logged its contents. "So, who would you go for?"

Hadley stacked the crate on the anti-grav lift. "Eh, I dunno. I don't think too much about it."

"Aw, c'mon man. There must be someone. I know you don't have anyone at home…"

"Who says I don't?" Hadley demanded.

"You did, to Patel, remember?" Matthews grinned as Hadley grumbled unhappily. "Is that who you like?"

"No. I've only spoken to her that once."

"Really, if it were me, I'd talk to her as much as I could."

"I'm not you."

"Ok, Goldstein then?"

"No, and why are you so interested, anyway?"

"I've just never seen you with anyone."

"Yeah, well, it seems kinda pointless to have a relationship right now, what with Collectors grabbing every loose able body and us facing a suicide run right into their heart."

Matthews patted him on the back. "All the more reason to get out and live to the fullest while we can. There's plenty of opportunity around, a lot of them on the damn ship. You just have to look for them."

"Funny coming from you, getting that appointment with the Consort and all."

"Hey, that's something completely different. Shai'ira isn't just about sex, there's no guarantee we're even going to. It could be something completely different!"

Hadley smiled in amusement. Suggest to Matthews that the Consort was a prostitute or anything close and he would get all bent out of shape. "Alright, so who would you go for? Someone on the ship."

Matthews thought for a moment. "Well, there's Gabby. She's cute, smart, tough. I could see myself getting along with her."

"Yeah but could you get along with Ken too?" Hadley smirked. "Aren't they an item?"

Matthews made a vague gesture. "They could be if they decided, but if they haven't by now, I'd say he's had his chance." He looked at Hadley. "She is open game, my friend."

"Hmmm…what about Yeoman Chambers? She's pretty cute, and seems open to possibilities." Hadley stroked his head in a mock thoughtful manner. "Maybe I should arrange a 'therapy session' with her. 'Please can you help me? There's this jerk who won't leave me alone because he thinks I'm not getting enough female attention. Can you take care of this?'"

"Oooh, gutsy. Going after the Commander's personal staff." Matthews shook his head. "If we're going for unobtainable why not go straight for the top? Miranda."

"You've gotta be kidding."

"Oh, come one. Can you honestly say you've never had any thoughts about her?" The question was met with silence. "Thought so, I mean she makes walking down a hall look like an erotic holo-vid."

"Ok, yeah, but I'd rather have more from a girl than a pipe dream." They finished loading up the anti-grav and sent it off to the elevator. "That girl we picked up not too long ago, the thief, she's got quite a figure as well, and she seems a lot more approachable…if you can find her."

"And you found her?"

Hadley looked sheepish. "Well no, we…err…ran into each other. She was skulking around doing…something, and I ran right into her. "But I got a good look at her, and feel…then realized my credit chit was gone."

Matthews laughed aloud at that. "Should have seen that coming, man."

"Yeah, I suppose. Shepherd got it back for me."

"Ok so, no good on ice bitches and thieves, how about just plain crazy?"

Hadley slapped his forehead with a hand. "Oh no, not Jack!"

Matthews laughed. "Why not? She seems like she'd do just about anybody, not to mention her…issues with clothes."

"I'm not in the mood to have my head squashed in the process."

Matthews shook his head. "Why are all the most beautiful women on this ship insanely powerful biotics? Even Samara. Maybe she's a possibility."

"That amounts to about the same thing as Jack only Samara will make you feel like it's the right thing, then smash your head in." He adopted a serious expression then walked toward Matthews, mimicking the Justicar's form of movement. "I am sorry, Matthews," he said in a low voice, "but you are far too tempting. I must ensure that you do not become a distraction to my important Justicar work."

Matthews stood for a few moments, then said, "You know, it's freaky just how well you do that."

The two went back to their tasks.

"Alright, who else is there?" Matthews asked.

"Doctor Chakwas?" Hadley responded.

"Wha…come on, she's got to be old enough to be your mother!"

"Yeah, but she doesn't look it. Besides, I thought you liked experience."

"Right now I think I'll go more for mystery."

"Mystery?"

"Tali."

"The Quarian?" Hadley asked. "Why her?"

"Why not?"

"Well, you have no idea what she looks like under that suit."

"Well, what you can see is pretty damn cute, and the rest of her would more than make up for it even if she wasn't." Matthews grinned, outlining Tali's figure with his hands.

"I'm just saying, you'd be taking a chance there."

"Maybe, but I don't think so. Besides, I like girls with accents. And her voice is pretty nice too."

"Well, I'm not sure it's good to go by voices," Hadley responded, "considering the sexiest, most sultry voice on the ship belongs to the computer."

Matthews stared at him. "Seriously? EDI?"

"Well think about it...her voice makes you think it should belong to some voluptuous model, or something..."

"You're fantasizing about the ships computer?"

Hadley jerked around. "What? I am not fantasizing about anything!"

Matthews shook his head. "EDI...I can't believe you're thinking that about EDI." He looked up. "Y'know, I'll bet that's because you don't know how to talk to real women."

"Not true I was talking to..."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Matthews pointed at Hadley. "You, my friend, do not know how to talk to women."

Hadley stood indignantly. "Oh, yeah? What about you? You keep going on about your precious consort, but I've never seen you with a girl either."

"Yeah, well haven't found one around here to..."

"Really? I thought there were plenty of opportunities aboard ship." Hadley went and stood right in front of him. "You know something? I think you're just talk. I bet you're the one who doesn't have a clue about women. Is that why you're meeting the Consort? To get women advice?"

"Why you..." Matthews began, then stopped and looked Hadley in the eye. "I can get any woman I want, and get her to go all the way."

Hadley noticed movement at the elevator as someone came out. "Well, what about that girl?" He nodded in that direction.

Matthews followed his gaze and saw a woman he didn't recognize heading enter the bay. "Must be a guest from planetside."

"Yeah." He nudged Matthews. "Here's your chance. Go work your magic on her."

Matthews looked back at him, then the girl, and grinned. "Alright, watch this."

He left Hadley and began moving toward the mystery woman, who was standing in the bay as though she was waiting for someone, probably her escort...unless she was the escort. He came up behind her, taking in her long shapely legs and the trim definitely feminine figure.

He displayed his most charming smile. "Hey there, honey. Who let you aboard?"

The woman whipped around to face him. "What was that, Crewman?"

Matthew's face drained of color. "Oh, sh-...C-Commander!" Behind him Hadley was staring with mouth agape. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize...ah...that is, I wasn't expecting..." He trailed off helplessly.

Shepherd's expression remained unreadable, as Matthews stared over her head, trying not to think about the fact that his commanding officer was standing before him in a form-hugging black dress, with a short skirt and low neckline; no, staring down a Specter's cleavage was not considered a healthy activity, especially if it was Shepherd. "I-I have thing I need to do." He stumbled back in Haley's direction.

The two could only watch as she was joined by Kasumi, who was grinning madly, and the two of them got on the shuttle. "That was Shepherd? Whoa, she is hot! Roof!" He received an elbow to his stomach.

"Let's get back to work." Matthews said. The remainder of the day passed in silence.

On the shuttle, the two women sat facing each other. "I told you it would be a hit."

Jane Shepherd sighed. "That wasn't quite what I had in mind."

"Oh, come on." Kasumi chided. "I know you have to play the tough warrior, but there's a part of you that's absolutely delighted to know you're attractive enough for your crew to try hitting on you."

Shepherd looked away trying to look impassive, but a coy grin crept through. "Well...maybe."


I hope that wasn't too predictable. If it was or wasn't, let me know. Thank you.