I'm Not Okay

I do not own any Alice in Wonderland characters.


Tarrent remained quiet while Alice explained her new plan.

"Could we just pretend like nothing ever happened."

Alice looked at her lover, she saw him bristle slightly. She did her best not to mention anything to him about what happened, but sometimes these things needed to be discussed. She was so tired of the fighting all of the time. Tired of the endless sadness. Maybe if she convinced herself it was a bad dream she could live happily.

Tarrent looked at her, confused. "How?"

She then explained to the best of her now mentally unstable ability how they were going to have to act from now on. She needed to see Tyler. All she wanted was to will the pain away and live happily ever after.

As he looked into her eyes, he was obviously distressed. He knew everything she had done to her little son. He loved the baby, but Alice could not. Maybe this was her way of loving the poor creature. By pretending to love him. She wasn't pretending to love everyone, just the baby. He needed to understand how much muchness she needed to survive. Maybe too much.

It was almost a year of pretending to be happy and normal before she was allowed to come out of the hospital for long periods of time.

One of the best days of the Hatter's life came while his love was still in the hospital. They had been living with no news on the sick leech that had done such irreparable damage to Alice for some time. It was a completely random day during the summer. Bayard was scratching what he thought was a tick. When he heard it start yelling at him. Bayard had heard that voice all too many times. He knew he needed to bring it to the attention to one of the Queen's guard.

The Queen insisted that he just allow nature to take it course and bug would be squashed. The dog obeyed joyously, after all the knave had kept his family captive as well. When he smelled a metallic, mammal smell he knew he had been the one to kill Alice's abductor. He had smelled like human blood but more rancid.

This tick really was a blood-sucking parasite. Stayne was killed like the damned flea bitten creature he was, with the scratch of a dog's hind paw.

Although it tortured Tarrent that he couldn't have been the one to end that foul creature's life, he could be contented by the knowledge that he had died painfully. Not painfully enough, nothing could ever be painful enough to erase the damage he had done to Alice. But enough that Tarrent could live without dissatisfaction.

This was the best day not only because it involved the final death of that monster, but also because that meant Alice could finally be his wife! They did not have a ceremony like he had wanted. Tarrent merely gave Alice a ring, which bound to her flesh and made her His Alice. Forever.

This made her happy; he saw her smile for the first time in what felt like ages.

She was doing much better these days. She spent time with both of her sons now, not just Tyler. The littler one turned out to look nothing like his…. father.

Alice decided on a name. She named him Abel. She said it had to do with a story about two brothers from something called a Bible from her world. The hatter didn't understand why she picked that one but after she picked a name she seemed much happier to hold him and Pretend Love him. It almost didn't look like she was pretending anymore. Luckily, as time went by, Abel looked more and more like his mother. He looked just, exactly and completely like His Alice. Pretty eyes, light hair; sweet, pale skin. The baby was a happy one.

Alice was much more muchier than she had been even a few months ago. A doctor from far away told her that she had something called a PTSD. Tarrent was stuck on the "T" part. He was trying to think of ways tea could help her feel better. It could help in all ways of course! Perhaps he should make her a new tea cup…

He had ideas of what the letters P-T-S-D stood for. Perhaps "Prone To Sad Disorientation" or the more likely, "Peach Tea Spewing Drains".

The hatter had been caring for his son and Abel for the past year. He loved it. He could make beautiful, colorful, happy, tiny hats for Tyler and Abel. He loved being a father and loved loving the boys. They were always so happy when they were all together.

Their mommy was able to leave the hospital now, only with a frosted nurse in white following her. But that was better than No Alice like they had endured for a week when she lost her hatter and tried to kill Abel. Tarrent had been the one to snatch him from her and put a cold, wet cloth on his bruised neck. Alice had tried to hurt the hatter on a few occasions too. It was an atrocious cycle.

At first, he wanted to hate the baby for what he was. But he learned quickly that it was not likely he could ever hate any part of Alice.

Ever since that week, she did everything she could to make it up to Abel. Both of the boys were excited to see Alice now. She lit up like a happy candle when she saw her babies now and had not had a fit of Madness in months.

Tyler was growing very fast, he even said words now. Words that made sense! He could ask for anything. If he wanted to go to the garden, he would ask "Daddy, Garden?" and point outside.

If he wanted Abel to stop screaming all night, he would say, "Abel, Too Loud!"

Luckily Abel wasn't alone in the screaming all of the time. When Tarrent had his Tough Moments he would leave them in the care of the Queen and her tenants. His Tough Moments were not as frequent as they had been. They were less terrifying than his Mad Moments. Those were now particularly rare. These days only occurred when someone brought up those bad years.

Tarrent loved Abel, but he hated where he came from. How could a perfect Alice Copy could be part of that Maniac, Murderer, Monster, Mental, Mean, Monstrosity….

He felt a tug at his pants and he shook his head of the thought. Tyler was reaching up to him, wanting to be held. His father sighed and picked him up. The eyes really broke his already broken heart. Those broken pieces were very tiny now, he was unsure how he would ever put them back together. It was only full when his family was together. Alice, Tyler, Abel and himself. All Mad. All Happy as they would ever be.

Today was the day though! Alice was allowed to come home! They could all live together. Two horrendously mad parents and two beautiful sons.

Tarrent had worked on their rooms for weeks. It was nearly perfect, minus the missing Alice. But she would be there soon enough!

He was in their room with the boys when she was walked in by an attendant. She looked like her mind was floating somewhere above him. She seemed barely awake. Perhaps a nap was all she needed. Tarrent let the boys play on the ground so he could help his Love into Their home. The attendant asked him to keep an eye on her and to report any odd happenings. He gave her his word. Although that expression was so odd. How does one give a word? He pondered this concept as he lead Alice around the room, giving her a chance to gain acquaintance with the furniture and doors. The room liked her and she liked the room so now she could stay with them.

Alice liked the idea of some form of normalcy after the past two years. She had chosen to come here because she felt that her life was incomplete at home. But here… so many tragedies. So much pain. That was not how she wanted her life to be. She wanted her life to be free and nonsensical. The opposite of what she had endured thus far.

Today was a step in the right direction. She was allowed to move in with her husband and sons. She now loved Abel the way he deserved to be loved. Post-partum depression really hit Alice hard. She would spend the rest of their lives making it up to Abel. Between the PPD and the PTSD Tarrent was beginning to think His Now Much More Muchy Alice was made of letters. Alice smiled when he brought up this point. She reassured him that no, she was not made of letters. But she was made of crazy. She smiled all of the time now. She was finally in the place she was supposed to be from the beginning.

Now she could finally live the way she planned from the start. She could wake up in the morning and talk to the flowers. She could drink tea at every hour of each day. Take long strolls and see all of the perfectly absurd creatures of Underland. She could finally live with her Mad Hatter, the absolute love of her life. She could wake up and see those eyes each morning and kiss his soft lips all day if she wanted to. After all of this time she could finally allow herself to be happy. Happy as a mad woman could be with her Hatter and their two beautiful sons.


And there we have it. The last chapter. Sorry if you're all disappointed by how Stayne died. He just needed to die, he making Alice miserable for farrrr too long. Thanks for reading! I appreciate the support! You guys are the best !