I had never read any MPREG stories until I had to write this next parody. I shouldn't have done it. All the tales you heard about that genre are true. They are ALL TRUE. MPREG is just as screwed up and disturbing as they say. I'm still disturbed. Everything is going dark. I'm slowly losing my vision. And my sanity.
Seriously, who the flying shit even THOUGHT that it would be a great idea to write a story about men getting pregnant? Men can't even get pregnant! AND WHERE THE HELL DOES THE BABY COME OUT?
MPREG (KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!)
So one day, everyo- okay, just wait. Just wait. Everyone just shut the hell up and wait for just one goddamn second. Wow. Just...deep breaths...deep breaths...yeah...I got this...I got this...
Okay, so one day, everyone who was anyone was in Rivendell at the after-party to the after-party of Aragorn's coronation. Everyone was party hard-ing at Elrond's crib. There was plenty of booze to go around, the four hobbits were having an intense drinking contest, Gimli was lying hammered on the floor in a pool of his own vomit, and Aragorn and Elrond were playing a game of drunken strip poker.
[Insert description of various party guests playing wild party games including brief description of DJ Erestor mixing some dubstep]
However, amid the throng of guests, there was one who would not join in the drunken festivities. No, not Galadriel's boring husband, Celeboring (he was too boring to even leave his house), but our protagonist, Leggylass. Being the elfiest of elves, Leggylass felt that he had to uphold his elfiness even when everyone else was not (ironically, his dad was dancing on a table only two metres from him). Anyway, our totally awesome, yet killjoy, protagonist is sitting in a corner all by himself, not drinking or touching anything in case anything had been spiked.
Looking to rectify this, Legolas' best manly-man friend, Aragorn, stumbles across to him after his game of strip poker, shoves a suspicious-looking drink in his face, and tells him to take a sip. Legolas refuses and Aragorn drunkedly slurs "jusht try ah beeet". Legolas refuses once again and his inebriated state, Aragorn shoves the drink right up in Legolas' face and yells "JUST F***ING DRINK THE MOTHERF***ING DRINK YOU MOTHERF***ER OR I'LL SHOVE THIS F***ING THING RIGHT UP YOUR F***ING ARSE!". Everyone else suddenly falls silent except for Elrond, who can be heard in the background slurring out "Neverr befoarr hash anyone uttered thoshe wordsh in daat tounge heeer in Imladrish."
Shocked by his best manly-man friend's aggression, Legolas reluctantly takes the drink, and downs it one go while everyone is watching. Everyone else stays silent for a while, and then they all cheer wildly as someone has finally drunk the undrinkable drink. Wait, the undrinkable drink? Yes, that's right. Our protagonist had just drunk the undrinkable drink, a mix of Dorwinion and Absynthe, commonly known as 'I HATE MY LIVER'. Apparently, whilst being a total- yet awesome- killjoy, our protagonist did not know that everyone at the party had dared each other to drink that undrinkable drink. However, no one actually dared to do it, which is why people were doing weird things like playing strip poker and table dancing as punishment. Yes, even Legolas' dad, whats-his-face, did not feel like drinking it that time despite the fact that some time ago, he had been drinking it back in his Mirkwoodian bedroom/library/office/wine cellar while trying to forget his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST.
Anyway, while everyone else goes resumes their partying, Legolas realises that maybe he shouldn't have drunk that drink because the world is now spinning (as if on cue, DJ Erestor plays a dubstep remix of You Spin Me Round). Our protagonist stumbles around the hallways trying to find somewhere where he can pass out safely (obviously, he's a bit more picky about this than Gimli).
[Insert description of Legolas stumbling around the hallways including a bit where he accidentally bumps into a pair of random elves drunkedly getting it on in Elrond's council chambers]
However, he can find absolutely nowhere where he could pass out safely because so high was the level of wildness at the party that every single room was filled with random strangers either playing strip poker, dancing on tables, or getting it on. Leggy Leggylass is so scared that he starts freaking out. In his drunken state, everyone looks like a giant spider/orc/warg/goblin/evil man to him, bringing back memories of his TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST! Fortunately for him, he soon bumps into someone who he actually does know, good ol' glorfing Glorfindel. However, unfortunately for him, Glorification is wasted. Despite this, our protagonist decides to take what he can get at the moment, and just sticks with him.
Leggy Leggylass finds out that Glorfinger is also not too happy about being totally wasted and having now found a common interest, the two go off and sit in some random room to have a nice conversation. They talk about things they both take interest in like trees, elfy elf songs about trees, the great importance and social relevance of college courses such as liberal arts blah blah blah and hit it off right away. Of course, standard protocol when hitting it off with another person while extremely intoxicated is to automatically become bisexual. Our protagonist, the elfiest of elves, and Glorification head off to the nearest bedroom where they...uh...yeah.
[Insert extremely graphic description of...uh...yeah]
It is suddenly the next morning and our protagonist wakes up with a massive hangover. He groggily drags himself out of bed and looks to the other side of the bed where he sees...Holy shit! Glorfindel/Gimli/everyone! Our protagonist realises what he and Glorfindel/Gimli/everyone did the previous night, and he screams and runs for the hills. Being the elfiest of elves, Leggylass is able to run for the hills in a perfectly decent manner despite the fact that he has a massive hangover.
Anyway, it is magically two weeks later, and Legolas is back in his house/palace/place of residence in good ol' Mirkwood. Just before he goes downstairs to eat breakfast, he suddenly feels sick and he runs for the bathroom where he throws up into the toilet bowl/dunny/hole int he ground/whatever toilet facility they have. Being totally awesome, yet totally naive, our protagonist thinks that he is just suffering from wild party withdrawals and brushes this off as if it is nothing.
Unfortunately for our elfy protagonist, he endures this horrible ordeal every single morning for months on end. To make matters worse, he is bloated and cannot fit into his clothes anymore. Finally, leggy Leggylass decides that something is very wrong with him and he goes off to tell his dad, whats-his-face, about how he has been feeling for the past few months. He could have gone to his mother however, she was dead/in the shower at the time.
[insert description of leggy Leggylass crying his eyes out and describing how horrible he is feeling to everyone's favourite racist arsehole, his dad, who is surprisingly not being a total arsehole]
Whats-his-face is in total shock because he realises that beneath the blubbering and sobbing, his son, the elfiest of elves, is describing something that sounds exactly like pregnacy! Holy shit! Is that even possible? According to many FanFiction authors, it is. Whats-his-face launches into an angry tirade which includes something along the lines of "Son...daughter...whatever you are, we need to have The Talk", "Who the hell is the father?", and "HOW THE F*** IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR A MALE TO GET PREGNANT?"
[insert description of Legolas saying that "it's probably Glorfindel but I can't know for sure because there were sixty other people with me" and whats-his-face yelling out "I'M GOING TO KILL THAT BASTARD...OR THOSE BASTARDS...WHICHEVER STATEMENT IS MORE CORRECT!"]
Eventually, whats-his-face calms down and tries to come to terms with the fact that he will soon become a grandfather via unconventional means, and his totally awesome, yet totally knocked up, son tries to come to terms with the fact that he somehow has a functioning uterus which technically, does not make him a son at all.
The next few months, it becomes apparent that our protagonist is actually pregnant since his/her/its stomach keeps expanding. Many people come to his house/palace/place of residence to gawk at him, including Galadriel's boring husband, Celeboring, who gives a condescending lecture on how right he was that 'borderline non-sentient' is the safest personality to have. Also among the tourists is glorfing Glorfindel (who is promptly dragged away by whats-his-face, never to be seen again), and many other potential fathers, both male and female because hey, if a male can somehow have a uterus, a female can have a...
Anyway, it is magically Leggylass' due date and of course, all the midwives encounter an obstacle that they have never encountered before: how the hell to get the baby out. Somehow, despite having a uterus, Leggylass does not actually have the...um...opening that most females have to allow babies to actually be born. Realising this, the midwives call for a bunch of healers (who most likely don't have a medical degree) to perform a C-section on our protagonist.
[insert graphic description of the operation, including a description of McGyver-ed operating instruments]
The operation is over and surprisingly, it has been done successfully despite the lack of medical degrees from the people performing it. Being the elfiest of elves, our protagonist recovers immediately and is somewhat happy about his new baby boy/girl (although you can't be too sure of the gender since in the godforsaken FanFiction universe, males can somehow have uteri). Anyway, Legolas promptly gives his son/daughter (gender pending) a really cheesy elvish name, and tourists come from far and wide to gawk at this oddity (Celeboring could not come because at this point in the story, he has finally crossed the thin line between borderline non-sentient and completely non-sentient). Everyone, although completely mindf***ed, lives happily ever after.
If you have any ideas for another parody, please send them in. The lucky winner will receive ONE MILLION BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF CASH PRIZES* AND HAVE THEIR IDEA WRITTEN!