Author's Note: Or should I say screenwriter's note? Anyway, before you few NewsRadio fans out there begin reading this, I first wanted to explain the setting.

This is an imaginary episode that would have taken place towards the end of the fourth season. So there is no Catherine, no Max, and most importantly, Bill is still on the show. At this point in the show, Dave and Lisa are still split up. I can't really think of any other important details akin to this kind of television timetravel, so I'll just cross my fingers and hope that everything makes sense. Oh, right, there is no Walt.

I did my best to write for each of the characters, but unfortunately Beth is terribly underused, as is Joe. Perhaps this was just not their episode, or perhaps writing for them is very difficult without succumbing to their well-established stereotypes.

Finally, please excuse my amateur style of screenplay writing. Just don't even address it. I wanted it to make it easy to read, unlike an actual screenplay which also involves a lot of finicky text-alignment that I am far too lazy and indifferent to do. I left a lot of things up to the interpretation of the NewsRadio-familiar reader, such as Dave's inherent sarcasm and well... every awesome thing that would come out of Phil Hartman's mouth, even if I didn't write it as awesome.

All characters created by Paul Simms, who would probably be thrilled that someone wants to use them, but deserves credit and a big hug anyway.

Rest in peace, Phil.


And now!
The cold opening!

WNYX MAIN NEWS OFFICE
The scene begins in medias res.
The WNYX staff is having a morning meeting, each person sitting at the table, in their usual seats.

DAVE:
So to sum up before everyone stops listening again: from today on we're going to give Matthew his own on-air segment.

LISA:
But Dave, isn't that just slightly... stupid?

BILL:
I'm all for having the little mongrel spit puerility on the air, Chief, but I do think 15 minutes is a bit too long to keep the fans away from the great Bill McNeal.

DAVE:
(standing)
Well the fans will just have to mourn your absence to the tune of Matthew's captivating thoughts, Bill. Now, everyone, please excuse me while I go into my office and stop caring.

DAVE walks into DAVE'S OFFICE and shuts the door.

BETH:
Lisa, did Dave bump his forehead on the headboard or something while you were getting frisky last night?

LISA:
For the last time, Beth, Dave and I broke up, okay? We do not get frisky.

BILL:
Of course, Lisa. Such terminology is an insult to your impeccable lovemaking. I would know.

LISA:
Shut up, Bill. Anyway, any notion of Dave and I still being together is entirely ludicrous.

BETH:
Whatever, Lisa. I still think we should have him checked out.

LISA:
No, we shouldn't.

JOE:
Beth's right. This kind of behaviour is typical of a traditional Martian lobotomy. [pause]
I'll get my scalpel.

BETH:
Wait, shouldn't we like... get a doctor?

JOE:
Oh yeah, sure, so they can hide the evidence? I don't think so.

JOE gets up to leave.

LISA:
Stop, Joe. There's nothing wrong with Dave. I'm sure he has a very rational reason for... sabotaging the quality of the station.

MATTHEW:
Guys, obviously Dave knows that it's time for me to... you know... do that talking stuff in the booth. At least he sees that I've grown both as a reporter...

MATTHEW stands and begins to walk up the steps into the booth

MATTHEW:
...And a man.

MATTHEW opens the door to the booth, slamming it in his own face before falling down the stairs.

Cue kind-of-catchy THEME SONG!

DAVE'S OFFICE
DAVE is sitting at his desk with a cup of coffee.
LISA comes stomping in, slamming the door behind her. She leans over his desk.

LISA:
(angrily)
What the hell are you doing? Matthew can't even handle sitting quietly at his desk, let alone talking on the radio.

DAVE:
(Taking a sip of his coffee)
Why good morning, Lisa. I didn't see you come in, there. Can I get you anything to drink? Coffee?

LISA:
(loudly and dramatically, as is her forte)
Dave... Have you gone insane?

DAVE:
Oh, yes, quite a long time ago, actually. Working here does that to you.

LISA begins pacing around the room.

DAVE:
Glad to see you've remained unaffected.

LISA:
Insanity aside, why are you doing this? If you wanted someone else to go on the air, why didn't you just choose me?

DAVE:
(smiling)
Well, to be honest with you Lisa, you're just not as fun to listen to as Matthew. [pause]
Okay, look, I'll tell you what: Why don't we just try it out for one day and see how he does?

LISA:
Or, why don't you just tell me right now before this ridiculous decision of yours causes the station to self-destruct!

DAVE:
[beat] I thought Joe fixed that.

Enter JIMMY JAMES, looking happy.

JIMMY:
Dave, Dave! Guess what: I finally found the perfect wife!

LISA:
Sir, didn't you give up on that crazy wife search a long time ago?

JIMMY:
Well hell no! I was just lying low, scoping out the latest prospects. You know, I was checking them out without being too direct about it, staying below the radar so as to keep clear of commitment... It was a strategy. What's that called again, Dave?

DAVE:
Stalking?

JIMMY:
No, no. Anyway, Lisa, sweetie, you think you could leave Dave and I alone for a while so we can talk turkey?

LISA:
With all due respect, sir, I really don't see why I can't partake in this conversation. In fact, you might want a woman's perspective on this.

JIMMY:
Lisa, I would like to talk to Dave about turkeys, and I don't think you'd understand or be comfortable with it. Gotta keep the office politically correct, you know.

DAVE:
Sorry Lisa. Why don't you take your cute little tailfeather and go do your job?

LISA:
You know Dave, that wouldn't have been okay even if we were still dating.

Exit LISA.

JIMMY:
Geez. Is she angry about that whole Matthew thing?

DAVE:
(sighing)
Of course she is. Sir, I wish you'd tell me why you're making me do this.

JIMMY:
That doesn't matter right now, son. What does matter is this potential candidate in the running to become Mrs. Jimmy James.

DAVE:
Is it going to be my mom again?

JIMMY pulls out a photograph and shows it to DAVE.

JIMMY:
This is the woman in question.

DAVE:
Well thankfully she doesn't look too questionable. Who is she?

JIMMY:
Some girl who I met through Bill. But look at that smile, Dave. Can't you just see how she'd love to marry someone like me? And her hair. Looks like the hair of a winner to me.

DAVE:
Sir, are you sure you've actually met this woman? Sounds to me like you know nothing about her except her face structure.

JIMMY:
Well, Bill gave me this photo a couple days ago and I've had a lot of time to think about it. I think she's the one.

DAVE:
Gotta trust those cheekbones.

WNYX OFFICE BREAKROOM
BILL is sitting at the table, eating.
Enter BETH.

BETH:
(holding some photos)
Bill, I found this pile of photos on the floor. Who are all these women?

BILL:
Prospective office eye candy, of course. I showed all those photos to Mr. James in hopes that he'd hire one to replace Catherine. The office has felt a little empty since her departure, don't you think?

BETH:
(putting photos down on table)
Right... So where did you find these women anyway?

BILL:
On the street. I went walking around the building one evening and met a remarkable array of women.

BILL picks up a photo from the table.

BILL:
This woman, for example, told me she would actually work overtime for me for an incredibly small sum of money.

BETH:
Yeah, well, her miniskirt and stilettos told me the same thing.

BILL:
(chuckling)
Nonsense! You dress that way and you would never work overtime.

WNYX MAIN OFFICE
MATTHEW is sitting at his desk. JOE walks by.

MATTHEW:
Joe, could you come here a second? I have to tell you something.

JOE:
Dude, I'm busy right now. Lisa told me to fortify the building so it doesn't self-destruct or something.

MATTHEW:
But it's really important!

JOE sighs and walks over to MATTHEW's desk.

JOE:
Fine. What is it?

MATTHEW:
No, no. Come closer.

JOE:
No, dude! I don't want to get any closer to you.

MATTHEW:
Come on, it'll be just like old times.

JOE:
(clearly disturbed)
What old times? Man, whatever, I don't want to hear your stupid problems anyway.

JOE starts to leave.

MATTHEW:
(as if Joe wants to know)
No wait! Wait, fine, I'll tell you. (deep breath)
I don't know... how to talk like on the radio and stuff.

JOE:
Are you serious, dude? You just go in there and talk.

MATTHEW:
Yeah but... how? Like which voice do I use? Because I have my really manly voice and my cool voice and I just can't decide which to use!

JOE:
Just talk like you normally do.

MATTHEW:
Oh, Joe. Because my voice is cool and manly enough as it is?

JOE:
No, 'cause you can only talk like an idiot anyway.

LISA walks over to MATTHEW's desk.

LISA:
Matthew, why did Dave give you your own segment?

JOE:
I thought you didn't care.

LISA:
Well, of course not, I'm sure it's a sound decision. I'd just like to know why Dave decided to make this... perfectly good decision.

MATTHEW:
(reaches out to pat Lisa's hand)
Lisa, clearly you're jealous that you don't get your own segment like me.
And you know what? That's okay. I mean, you and Dave aren't dating anymore, right? Of course he'd give me a segment instead of you.

JOE:
Dude, are you dating Dave or something? I didn't know he was gay.

MATTHEW:
...What about me?

LISA:
Guys, Dave is not gay. Trust me.

MATTHEW:
Maybe he's just grown to appreciate me as more than just a co-worker.

Enter BILL from the BREAKROOM.

MATTHEW:
Oh, Bill! Which radio voice do you think I should use: manly or cool?

BILL:
Gee Matthew, why don't you just do an amalgamation of the two and use a voice like mine?

MATTHEW:
Gosh, Bill, I don't think my impression of you is that good.

LISA:
I think he means to let him have your segment instead. [pause]
...Which you shouldn't, because it is rightfully mine.

BILL:
Still upset that Dave and Matthew are dating, Lisa? It's understandable. But you know, don't worry, I'm sure it's not your fault that he's turned to men.

LISA walks back to her desk, annoyed. She begins working.
Enter JIMMY from DAVE'S OFFICE.

JIMMY:
Hey gang, what's going on here?

JOE:
The Martians have made Dave gay and Matthew can't decide what voice to talk with.

JIMMY:
Well Dave's not gay! I just got him a date with Bill's friend Nona.

BILL:
(smiling)
Shall we call it an intimate job interview?

JIMMY:
That's what I'm talkin' about, Bill. Hopefully things really do end up gettin' intimate for someone, eh? I'll see you later.

Exit JIMMY, into the BREAKROOM.

JOE:
Who's this chick that Mr. James wants Dave to hook up with?

BILL:
Just a genteel lady friend of mine. Anyway, I better get going, seems like the booth could self-destruct without me.

JOE:
(pulling a roll of duct tape out of his pocket)
I'm on it, dude.

Exit BILL and JOE, to the booth.
MATTHEW walks over to LISA's desk.

MATTHEW:
Look at those two hurry scurry, eh, Lisa? [pause]
So David really is seeing someone else, huh? Maybe she'll get my segment instead.

LISA:
(upset, obviously feigning calmness)
No, she won't. I'm sure they're just having a casual business meeting.

MATTHEW:
But Bill said it would be intimate.

LISA:
Bill wants everything to be intimate.
But Dave isn't like that, Matthew. They're probably just going to have dinner and that's it.

MATTHEW:
Really? 'Cause I recall you two having a little more than dinner on your first date.

LISA:
(surprised)
Did Beth tell you that?

MATTHEW:
Yep. You know, a lot of people here tell me things, Lisa. They trust me. So it's okay if you tell me that you seduced Dave on the first date. I won't think any less of you.

The mood gets tense. Silent. A long pause.

LISA:
Okay, Matthew, I'll tell you something.

LISA and MATTHEW lean in towards each other.

LISA:
Dave and I, we both... [pause]
Really. Don't. Care.

MATTHEW:
(laughs)
Come on, I know you do.

WNYX OFFICE BREAKROOM
BETH and JIMMY are sitting at the table, snacking.

BETH:
So you want Dave to interview this Nona person to find out if she'll make a good wife for you?

JIMMY:
That's right. I gave him a list of questions and everything. Now all I have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks.

BETH:
Mhm. But, Mr. James, if you want to find out more about her, why don't you take her out on a date?

JIMMY:
Goes against my new M.O. for getting to know women.

BETH:
Which is...?

JIMMY:
Having someone else do it. (picks up a photo from the table)
Listen, sweetie, I'd love to stay and chat but I have to go debrief a couple guys I paid to shadow little Liz here.

Exit JIMMY.
Enter DAVE.

DAVE:
Beth, you know how we pay you to sit at that desk near my office and answer the phone?

BETH:
Yes, Dave?

DAVE:
Well that's precisely what you're not doing right now.

BETH:
Dave, can't you see I'm busy organizing photos for Bill?

DAVE:
Oh, I see. So your efficient organizational system involves leaving photographs strewn about the breakroom while you eat microwave popcorn, does it?

BETH:
Maybe you aren't down with my avant-garde techniques, Dave, but I assure you this is how the professionals do it.

DAVE:
It's funny how you'd use the word "profession", Beth, since you are currently not performing yours. Now get back to work, or I just might have to fire you this time.

BETH:
You love me too much to do that.

Enter BILL.

BILL:
Hey, Chief, it's okay with me if you fire Beth. I know a lot of fine women who'd love to work here.

DAVE:
(shooing BETH out of the room)
Oh, now, you know there's no one finer than Beth.

BETH:
Nice try, Dave.

Exit BETH. Reluctantly.

DAVE:
Bill, clean up these photos and put them away somewhere before I burn them, okay?

BILL:
Could you really set such beauty aflame, Dave? No, I don't think you could. Especially not after you meet Nona, who will certainly set that microscopic heart of yours on fire like a tiny marshmallow over a campfire of passion.
[pause] You might want to consider hiring her, actually.

DAVE:
I'm meeting Nona for Mr. James' sake, Bill. Our relationship will remain professional and nothing more.

BILL:
Glad to hear it, Dave, because I don't think anyone wants another twisted office romance after you hire her.

DAVE:
I'm not going to hire her, Bill. I'm going to get to know her to see if she's right for Mr. James.

BILL:
Of course, hiring still isn't up to you, Dave. Jimmy is the real boss around here, as we all know.
I'm just saying, the office would be a lot brighter with the melodic melody of a beautiful woman illuminating it.

DAVE:
(smiling)
For a moment there, my mind almost let me believe that that made sense.

WNYX MAIN OFFICE
LISA is working at her desk, BETH walks by.

LISA:
Beth, do you know anything about this Nona that Dave is going out with?

BETH:
(in passing)
Nothing much; apparently she dresses like me.

BETH keeps walking.

LISA:
Oh my God.

Enter DAVE from the BREAKROOM.

LISA:
Dave! Dave, we need to talk.

DAVE:
Oh, must we?

LISA:
Yes. You're keeping something from me.

DAVE:
You mean besides my love and tender embrace?

LISA:
(pauses a moment, because he's kind of right)
...Information, Dave. So tell me: Why don't I get my own segment, why does Matthew get his own segment, and who the hell is this Nona person you're going out with?

DAVE:
Well—

LISA:
Because you know, Dave, that just because you're too afraid of commitment doesn't mean that I should be cheated out of a spot on the air.

DAVE:
Oh yes, that's why we broke up. It was all part of my plan to keep you off the air.

LISA:
Looks like it.

Enter JIMMY from the WNYX CORRIDOR. That place with the elevator. What's that called?

DAVE:
Lisa, this is really out of my hands, okay? I'm not supposed to—

JIMMY:
Dave, I need to see you in your office.

JIMMY keeps walking into DAVE'S OFFICE.

DAVE:
Yes, sir. I'll be right there.

LISA:
Don't think you're off the hook just because Mr. James has your back.

DAVE:
(sighs)
Oh don't worry, Lisa, I'll never be off the hook.

Exit DAVE.

DAVE'S OFFICE
JIMMY is sitting behind DAVE's desk with his feet up.
DAVE sits on the couch.

JIMMY:
Ready for your hot date tonight?

DAVE:
Yes, Mr. James.

JIMMY:
Great. Just one little thing: Bill advised me to add a few more questions to the list.

DAVE:
And how many would that be?

JIMMY:
Oh, about 20 or so.

DAVE:
[pause] Did you write them down?

JIMMY:
Dave, the lady will know something's up if she sees you reading out long a list of questions.
No, you're going to have to keep 'em all up in that cute little noggin of yours.

Enter BILL.

BILL:
Dave, when is Matthew supposed to go on the air?

DAVE:
Well to be honest, Bill, that's more up to Mr. James than me.

JIMMY:
Oh, that's right. Dave, what time's your date again?

DAVE:
Six o'clock.

JIMMY:
Well fancy that! That's exactly when Matthew's supposed to get his 15 minutes of radio fame.

BILL:
Too bad Dave, you're going to miss the moment when Matthew ruins the sanctity of the station for all eternity.
Should I record it for you?

DAVE:
No thanks, Bill. I'm sure everything will be fine. Not even Matthew can do that much harm in such a short period of time.

BILL:
You should really just let me have his fifteen minutes.

DAVE:
(quite obviously joking)
Why, Bill? Are you threatened by Matthew?

BILL:
It's the small fly that keeps a man awake at night, Dave. Think about it.

Exit BILL.

JIMMY:
Well, I gotta get the hell out of here before Nona arrives. Pretty big part of my strategy.

JIMMY gets up to leave.

DAVE:
Sir, what about the 20 questions?

JIMMY:
I never really liked that game, Dave.

Enter LISA. Angrily.

LISA:
Mr. James, please stop Dave from ruining everything.

JIMMY:
I thought your romance was already ruined.

LISA:
The station, Mr. James. He's going to ruin the integrity of the station by letting Matthew go on the air.

DAVE:
I proposed keeping him tethered to a desk, but Mr. James just wouldn't hear of it!

JIMMY:
Didn't work last time.
Anyway, sweetie, Matthew has to go on the air.

LISA:
And why is that?

JIMMY:
So he'll stay away from the breakroom long enough for Dave to have his date with Nona.

LISA:
Isn't the breakroom an odd place for a date?

DAVE:
And isn't Matthew only going on for fifteen minutes?

JIMMY:
That's enough time for you to do what needs to be done though, right kiddo?

LISA:
Well actually Mr. James, Dave would need more time than that—

DAVE:
I most certainly would. Especially now, thanks to Bill.

LISA:
(confused. disturbed. You know.)
Wha-Why?

JIMMY stands up again. Because he sat back down somewhere up there.

JIMMY:
I love to hear you kids squabbling like you used to, but right now Dave needs to focus his energies on Nona and I need to focus mine on installing those security cameras in the office.

LISA:
But we already have security cameras.

JIMMY:
Sure looks like it, doesn't it?

Exit JIMMY.
LISA sits down on the table opposite DAVE.

LISA:
Dave.

DAVE:
Lisa.

LISA:
Why are you seeing this woman?

DAVE:
Because I want to have a baby but I don't want to get married first. Why else?

LISA:
Seriously, Dave! A good News Director wouldn't do this to his best employee.

DAVE:

Lisa, keep in mind we're talking about a fifteen minute date and fifteen minutes of harmless nonsense broadcast over the radio. Also keep in mind that these two windows overlap.

LISA:
Just tell me why you're going out with some hussy friend of Bill's.

DAVE:
To find out whether she's really a hussy or not.

LISA looks appalled.

DAVE:
For Mr. James!

LISA does a double take. Then she looks appalled again.
Enter MATTHEW.

MATTHEW:
(antsy)
This is really important, David.

DAVE:
What is it?

MATTHEW:
I don't know if we can trust her with this.

DAVE:
Anything you can trust me with, you can trust Lisa with. Now can you just tell us why you're here?

MATTHEW:
Well I go on the uh... radio in a few minutes and I don't know how I'm supposed to talk.

LISA:
This again? Just use your normal voice, Matthew.

DAVE:
(slightly confused)
Yes, your normal voice is fine.

MATTHEW:
No, I mean, what am I supposed to talk about?

DAVE:
Well, Matthew, seeing how this will be your one shot on the air, and it will be a disaster no matter what you do, you can talk about whatever you want.

MATTHEW:
Okay, right. Yeah. [pause]
So what should I talk about then?

DAVE:
Good-bye, Matthew.

MATTHEW:
(confused)
Oh, good-bye.

LISA:
Good-bye.

MATTHEW pauses before exiting DAVE'S OFFICE.

WNYX MAIN OFFICE
JOE and BILL are standing by the coffee machine.

BILL:
Hear that ticking?

JOE:
I thought I fixed that.

BILL:
The portending sound of a ticking clock, compadre. Yes, it's only a matter of time before Nona is working here, floating across the floor like a sweet, scantily clad angel fetching coffee.

JOE:
You mean like Beth?

BETH is sitting at her desk, turned to face BILL and JOE.
MATTHEW is standing beside BETH's desk.

BETH:
(laughing)
You know I don't fetch coffee!

MATTHEW:
Beth, the stress is really starting to get to me. I feel like I'm just like an earthquake, you know? Just shaking and shaking...

MATTHEW starts shivering exaggeratedly and knocks over the photos on BETH's desk, which he then comically tries to pick up.

MATTHEW:
Whoops! A little too high on the Richter scale, there...

BETH:
Calm down, Matthew. It's fifteen minutes. Nothing can go wrong in fifteen minutes.

Enter DAVE and LISA storming out of DAVE'S OFFICE.
DAVE is briskly walking, holding a cup of coffee, with LISA following behind.

LISA:
A lot of things can go wrong in fifteen minutes, Dave!

DAVE:
(still walking towards the BREAKROOM)
Oh, like what?

LISA:
Like—She could be carrying some sort of disease!

DAVE:
Well, that's precisely what I'm supposed to be finding out.

LISA:
Dave!

DAVE stops in front of the BREAKROOM door.

DAVE:
(annoyed)
You certainly do enjoy saying my name like that.

Cut to MATTHEW in the booth, clearing his throat and preparing himself for his special on-air segment.
Across from him sits BILL, who counts him in.
The "On The Air" sign lights up.

MATTHEW:
(trying out a couple voices)
Greetings! [pause] Greetings! [pause]
Uh... Hi everyone. This is Matthew Brock here with Brock-A-Doodle-Doo, here to wake you up after your hard day of doing...whatever people without their own on-air segments do...

BILL:
(over-enthusiastically)
Gosh, Matthew, that was almost clever!

MATTHEW:
Thank you, Bill.
That was my co-worker and best-friend-forever Bill McNeal, everyone. Isn't he great?
Anyway, uh, let's talk about trains! Now as you all know, the most famous train ever was named Thomas, and...

Cut back to DAVE and LISA, still standing in front of the BREAKROOM door.

LISA:
Don't go in there, Dave.

DAVE:
What, did Joe finally rig it with explosives?

LISA:
It's just not worth it!

DAVE:
Lisa, I get the feeling that we have a little misunderstanding here. Call it intuition, or call it the third time this has happened, but I just know.

DAVE indicates to LISA to take a seat in MATTHEW's chair. DAVE sits on MATTHEW's desk.

DAVE:
(very slowly)
Mr. James asked me to get to know this lady named Nona to see if she was suitable to marry.

LISA looks upset.

DAVE:
(interrupting her thought)

Now, wait, here's where I think the fabled misunderstanding begins.

LISA:
You mean you were serious about wanting to have children out of wedlock before?

DAVE:

No, no, Lisa. Remember how Mr. James was continuing his wife-search? Well—

LISA stands up, the truth at last dawning on her. Hold for brilliantly awkward physical reaction.

LISA:
(laughing awkwardly)
Oh! Yes, yes, I knew that. I just thought it was a silly idea, is all. So silly. Very silly. Absolutely featherbrained!

DAVE:
[beat] Well he does have a thing for turkeys.

LISA:
Oh, well!

DAVE shrugs it off.
LISA walks off towards her desk.
Exit DAVE into the BREAKROOM.

Cut back to the WNYX NEWS BOOTH.
MATTHEW is curled up in a ball, presumably crying.
BILL is coolly talking on the air.

BILL:
...Yes, that spirited blue train will live on in our hearts and in our television sets.
Now, let's check back in with my temporary co-anchor Matthew!

MATTHEW:
(cries)

BILL:
(smiling)
That's great. That's just great.

WNYX MAIN OFFICE
BETH is standing by the coffee machine, looking into the booth, with a somewhat concerned expression on her face.
JOE is leaning against the booth.
LISA is seated at her desk, in shock.

BETH:
Oh my God, I haven't seen him like that since we watched Bambi.

JOE:
Who, Bill?

LISA:
(rolling her eyes)
Joe, I think she means Matthew.

BETH:
[beat] No, I meant Bill. He can just be so heartless sometimes. That poor, misguided man.

LISA:
Bill again?

BETH:
(condescendingly)
No, Lisa, I meant Matthew. I don't know what you were thinking.

JOE is meanwhile tapping his foot impatiently, watching the carnage inside the booth.

JOE:
I can't take this anymore.

JOE knocks on the booth, getting MATTHEW's attention.
MATTHEW looks up.
JOE starts wildly indicating for MATTHEW to get back on the microphone.

JOE:
(angrily gesturing)
You. Be a man. Get in there. Go.

MATTHEW stares at JOE for a moment, then stands up abruptly.
MATTHEW stomps over to his seat by the microphone.

Cut to the WNYX NEWS BOOTH.

BILL:
Oh, looks like my vibrant co-anchor Matthew here has something he'd like to say.
(mockingly) Say hello to the fans, Matthew!

MATTHEW:
Shut up, Bill. This is my show. Your time is up.

BILL takes this remark coolly, not missing a beat.

BILL:
(indicating the clock)
No, Matthew, I'm afraid your time is up.

Beat. MATTHEW looks disoriented for a moment.

MATTHEW:
(awkwardly gathering up papers and things)
Oh! Oh, yes, of course, my fifteen minutes is up, so I'll just be going then. Here I go.

MATTHEW stumbles out of the booth.

BILL:
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your five minutes of Matthew Brock! Stay tuned for more Bill McNeal. WNYX News time: 6:05.

BILL takes off his headphones.

DAVE'S OFFICE - SOMETIME AFTER 6:15 PM

DAVE is sitting behind his desk.
The lights are dim, indicating night time.
Enter JIMMY.

JIMMY:
So, Dave, how was it?

DAVE gets up from his chair.
JIMMY takes his seat.

DAVE:
With Nona?

JIMMY:
No, with Matthew.

DAVE sits down on the coffee table, facing his desk.

DAVE:
Oh. [pause]
Well, sir, from what I hear, he hardly got to say anything. Quite unsurprisingly, Bill took over within the first few minutes.

JIMMY:
I see—

DAVE:
But Matthew did get a few words in, so it's not as if this venture was entirely fruitless. Though he was very close to saying nothing at all. [beat]
(wistfully) So close.

JIMMY:
I was being sarcastic before, Dave. I wanted to know how things went with Nona.

DAVE:
About that, sir: Bill seems to think that you were set on hiring her to work at the station.

JIMMY:
Mhm.

DAVE:
So about five minutes after I sat down with her, Bill walked into the room and pretty much took over from there.

JIMMY:
Twice in one day! Damn, that man is good.

DAVE:
Well to be honest, sir, his questions were quite a bit better than your word-association ones.

JIMMY:
Ooh, but those were my pride and joy! You didn't get to ask any of 'em?

DAVE:
Not quite, sir. I got through one: [pause]
Trophy.

JIMMY:
Wife?

DAVE:
Not this time.

JIMMY:
(disappointed)
Aw.

JIMMY begins to stand up from his chair.

DAVE:
Mr. James, maybe you should consider meeting women the old fashioned way.

JIMMY:
Old fashioned? You mean whisk her away in my horse and buggy? We're not in Wisconsin, Dave.

DAVE:
I mean to let things develop naturally. Get to know her. Don't do any of this immediate no-commitment business that you're doing right now.

JIMMY approaches DAVE for a hug.
JIMMY:
(cute and over -dramatically)
But I'm so afraid to be hurt again, Dave!

DAVE stands up and gives JIMMY something of a hug.

DAVE:
So am I, sir. So am I.

JIMMY:
Thanks, little buddy.

JIMMY brushes himself off.

JIMMY:
Don't tell anyone about that.

Exit JIMMY.
DAVE takes a seat on the sofa.
Enter LISA.

LISA:
Dave.

DAVE:
Yes?

LISA sits on the coffee table across from DAVE.

LISA:
I wanted to be honest with you. I was jealous today.

DAVE:
(teasingly)
Oh yes, and clearly about me letting Matthew go on the air.

LISA:
(impatiently)
Dave.

DAVE:
You know I love it when you say my name like that.

LISA gets up to sit on the sofa near DAVE.

LISA:
(annoyed)
Dave.

DAVE grins.

LISA:
Why did we break up again?

DAVE:
(teasingly, again)
Oh, I can't seem to remember. (smiles)
No, honestly, what was the reason this time?

LISA:
I'm getting older, Dave, and I really think it would be best for me to settle down in a more long-term relationship. Of course, when reviewing the candidates, you were the one I thought would be the best suited to such a commitment.

DAVE:
I miss you too, Lisa. [pause]
But shouldn't we be focusing on our careers right now? Evidently that's all you're concerned with, anyway.

LISA:
It's not, Dave. Believe it or not, I'm not all about work. That's you.

DAVE:
Right.

LISA:
Actually, Dave, I think you're just afraid.
(awkward, stuttering, rapidfire) And that's fine, because I expected it, but I wanted you to know, regardless, that even though you're afraid of commitment, and all that, and you think that work is more important than everything else in the world, I think you should take into consideration nonetheless the irrefutable fact that I love you.

DAVE looks stunned for a moment, then smiles.
DAVE and LISA lean in and kiss for an appropriately long time.

DAVE: Okay, but don't tell Matthew. He'll be quite upset if he finds out I'm cheating on him.

THE END!


Obviously nothing is the same when it isn't punctuated by the laughter of a studio audience or performed to perfection by the incredible cast, but I hoped you enjoyed this nonetheless.
This was quite clearly proof of my love for Dave & Lisa as a couple. That's probably the only reason you're reading this, anyway. Also, I wanted to finally lampshade Lisa's penchant for exclaiming "Dave!" ever since, what, the second episode?

Could you tell which character I found the easiest to write?