"I can't be, Fiona! I'm scared that you're messed up and I can't help you!"
She's crying and it sounds so absurd. She's messed up? What about him? Or has he forgotten the times when he was an equal participant during those lonely nights when their parents were off in Geneva, Rome, Paris, wherever the fuck they were?
She won't say this to him, she knows he won't acknowledge what they are, scratch that, what they were. Actually, scratch that shit too. What they will always be. He's too busy trying to be perfect boyfriend to perfect little Holly J and pretending that he was never involved in their secret sibling sex.
She's used to not getting what she wants and being labeled the drama queen. She'll take the fall for him and pretend that the pictures that the newspapers callously deem as "twincest" are completely one-sided. And this is because she loves him. She loves him as her twin, as her brother, and she knows he knows that she loves him as more.
But right now, she isn't what he needs. That breaks her heart almost as much as him replacing her by bringing Holly J to all of their places. She accepts this and agrees to being shipped to the Hamptons, it's a far easier punishment than having to stay there and be a witness to the love that her brother is so blatantly replacing her with.
She can't help to think that Holly J is kind of stupid for not realizing. What kinds of twins are really that close? What sister gets upset about a morning coffee and actually licks the offending coffee cup? But, of course, she actually did help Holly J out, though. She told Holly J that Declan was in love and then got his heart broken so he was afraid to love. That wasn't exactly true, but really, pushing Holly J towards her brother might have been her only hope in getting a normal life. She didn't succeed.
That night, Declan came storming into her room while she was getting changed, and demanded an answer.
"Holly J told me that you told her what happened. About why I can't open up to her. What did you tell her, Fi-Fi? You didn't tell her about…anything, did you?" He realized that if their parents decided to walk by their room, they wouldn't appreciate him standing there standing at his sister who was wearing lingerie. "And please, put some clothes on!" He shuts the door and locks it, just in case.
She delicately snorts, "Do you honestly think if I told her about us that she would still even be talking to you?"
"There is no us." He says this softly, in his vulnerable lying tone that she knows perfectly, and looks down at the floor.
"Oh," She laughs, "There isn't? I must have imagined you screwing me on my bed all those times. Silly me."
His head snaps up and his eyes get that intense flicker in them and she knows she's got him.
"That wasn't just screwing, Fiona! For God's sake, will you please put on some clothes?"
She slowly walks over to him, taking index finger and trailing it down his fabric covered chest, smirking when he reacts the same way as he always does. Shallow breathing, tense muscles.
"Why, it is bothering you, Brother?"
"Don't." He says in a shaky voice. "Don't call me that."
"Why not?" She says innocently, playing with a button on his shirt, "It's what you are, isn't it? My brother?"
"I've always been more, and you know it."
"Oh, really? I thought that while we were living here, we were, hmm, how did you so nicely put it? 'Normal fucking siblings who don't want to fuck each other.' So, has that changed, Brother?" She steps dangerously close and puts her mouth to his ear. "Do you want fuck me now?"
"No." The quiver in his voice betrays the truth, though.
"You sure about that?" She whispers.
"I can't, Fi-Fi…we can't."
"We never cared about what we could or couldn't do, did we? You say you can't. But what about what you want? Do you want me?"
He looks at her with vulnerability in his eyes that he always gets when he professes his love for her and sighs shakily.
"You know that I'm always going to want you, Fi."
She smiles triumphantly.
"Then there's nothing stopping us, is there?"
She starts kissing his neck and trails her lips up to his ear and sucks that spot that she knows drives him crazy. He sucks in a deep breath, and, inwardly, she gives herself a pat on the back for always being able to get a reaction out of him.
He pulls her away to stop her before staring deep into her eyes and planting a sweet kiss to her lips. Even though she loves every single kiss that he gives her, it's his sweet kisses that she always thinks of when they're apart.
She kisses him, passionately this time; the time for sweetness is replaced by something hungrier. They haven't been together since they moved here and they've both missed it.
She lets him lead her to her bed and lay her down on it as he crawls on top of her, hardly letting their lips separate at all.
They kiss for a good amount of time, and she's grateful. She enjoys just being able to kiss him without anything else being attached; not that she doesn't enjoy the sex, because she totally does.
She takes off his shirt and whispers her not so secret devotion.
"I love you."
He quickly pulls away from her, grabbing his shirt and putting it back on.
"I…we can't do this anymore, Fiona."
"Are you kidding me?" She's pissed and confused and sad.
"I have a girlfriend, Fi-Fi."
She snorts. "Like that's ever stopped you before!"
"Holly J is different."
"Sure. Do you love her?"
He hesitates, but only for a few seconds.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Do you love her more than me, Declan? Tell me that. Does she mean more to you than me?"
He doesn't look at her when he tells her yes, but he can still tell that Fiona is crushed. She tries not to cry when she tells him to get out of her room and her life.
She waits until she hears his car drive off before she curls up under her covers and cries over her brother once again.
She goes to therapy, and she's not really sure how far this patient-therapist confidentially thing is going to go, so she isn't ready to spill all of her secrets to an annoying woman who fits the total cliché and asks her "and how does that make you feel?" Plus, she's pretty sure that incest (she really hates that word and thinks that it totally doesn't describe what her and Declan are…were) is illegal and she'd probably have to report her or something. Then her parents would really fucking hate her and send her off to a mental institution and Declan would deny every single detail.
She cries and perfectly explains that she never had feelings for Declan, putting the appropriate amount of disgust in her tone, ("That is totally disgusting! He's my twin, that's like, double disgusting!") and it's worthy of earning her an Oscar. She pulls shit out of her ass about how she's never been loved by her parents and she's a little girl lost and all that horse shit that therapists love to analyze and talk about.
She has to admit, though, the time away from Declan is a welcomed distraction. Sure, she still loves him and probably won't ever stop, but the fact that he's not around and throwing his new perfect relationship in her face is therapeutic to her. She has her own therapy sessions by herself where she can think about things and analyze them herself. Who the fuck needs to spend money on therapists when they do can do that by themselves anyways?
She discovers that Declan chose to parade his new, seemingly perfect relationship all around for everybody to see simply because he could. It wasn't disgusting, illegal, or forbidden. He could kiss her in front of his friends. Hold her hand in public. Feed her at restaurants. Fuck, he could probably have loud sex with her while their parents were home and it would still be accepted. He could never do any of those things with her. Well, okay, the loud sex they had, just not when anybody was home.
So alright, when her mom introduces her to Bobby the first thing she thinks about is how she knows he's a major player, so of course that makes her think of Declan. That's why she agrees to go out with him. It's fucked up, but really, so is everything else in her life. On their first date, he tries to get into her pants; well, okay, he totally succeeds in getting into her pants but that's only because he calls her Fi-Fi and she's pretending that it's Declan the entire time.
Their relationship is pretty fine, if she can ignore the fact that he stares at other girls, flirts with their waitresses, and gets other girls' numbers when he thinks she's at the bathroom and not paying attention. But that's the beauty of it. It reminds her of Declan. Not with her, he was a perfect guy with her. With his other girlfriends, though. Those were the girls that he went out with to remind everybody that he was a stud and he wasn't fucking his sister on a nightly basis.
When Declan finds out about them, she enjoys the way his nose flares and the look in his eyes that she definitely knows as jealousy. Okay, so she might flaunt him in front of him way more than she should that first night. If he can do it with Holly J, then she can do it right back.
Then her pretend life shatters with one swing of the wrist and a black eye. She can no longer pretend that this boy is a (almost) perfect substitute for her brother. Declan would never hit her or any other girl for that matter. She stays with him, though. Who else does she have?
She tries to tell Declan, but his eyes don't hold what they used to when he looks at her. How come he doesn't care about her anymore? Why does he just attribute everything she does as dramatic? Isn't he supposed to care and want to kick Bobby's ass for just being with her, never mind hitting her?
She enhances the picture and uploads it to Twitter and Declan still doesn't seem to care, he just calls her dramatic once again. Well screw him if he can just forget everything they've been through together and treat her this way.
Of course, her solitude is interrupted once stupid Holly J tells Declan where she is and her mother comes in to whisk her back home.
She tells her mother she can't go home, and she isn't exactly sure therapy is helping her.
"Not even therapy can change me, Mom. I'm never going to be your perfect daughter. I'm always going to be this way."
She doesn't feel the need to explain what 'this way' means. She doesn't think she needs to tell her mother that that means she'll always be hopelessly, secretly, disgustingly in love with her twin brother.
Her mother tells her she wants her to come home and face Bobby. She doesn't want to. Her mother tells her she needs something stable, and although she doesn't necessarily believe it, she tells her mother that Degrassi is what she needs because it's stable. It's actually the opposite of stable but it's better than going back to New York and having to share a house with Declan and fight off her urges around him.
She's pleasantly surprised when her mother allows her to stay, and even more pleasantly surprised when she and Holly J become…friends, or whatever they are.
She's excelling at school and it doesn't hurt that she's at the top of the food chain with Holly J at her side. She's still in therapy, and she's realized that she needs to find a normal boy who isn't related to her and who can fully commit himself to her, in public and in private.
She finds that in Peter Stone. She discovers that they have a lot in common. They both have abandonment issues and both have dramatic pasts. He's known for blowing things out of proportion and manipulating things to get his way, which is perfect because she used to be the same way.
They heal each other and they grow together. Even though he graduated, somehow they're the school's new "it" couple that everybody talks about. They don't need to have sex with each other, and they don't for the first few months. They spend their time talking and sharing their deepest secrets.
She takes a chance when she tells him about her and Declan. She tells him everything, and is expecting him to run away. To her surprise, Peter is a very understanding guy and doesn't leap away. Instead, he holds her while she cries and shares his secrets with her. His parents treat him like furniture and he hooks up with girls to try and feel close to somebody.
It's not as messed up as her secret, but he tells her that she doesn't have to be that girl anymore. She doesn't have to pretend to be somebody she's not and she doesn't have to hide in a relationship and feel ashamed for being with somebody. She doesn't have to be with a guy who feels ashamed to be with her. He tells her that she's a great girl and he would never even dream of being ashamed about any part of her. At the point, she can tell she's falling for him and they finally have sex for the first time.
They're close to having sex on the couch in her condo when it happens. She's in her bra and underwear, he's in his boxers. The front door opens and they hear an angry sound, causing them to spring apart.
Declan is standing there fuming, staring at Peter as if he's trying to telepathically cause his head to explode into millions of pieces.
"What the hell are you doing to my sister?"
Peter stands his ground and firmly states, "Something that I can do since she's my girlfriend."
Declan whips his head in Fiona's direction.
"You're dating this…this…loser?"
Peter jumps in before she can respond.
"Why, are you jealous?" He smirks and throws an arm around Fiona.
"Declan, I'm allowed to do this. You do it with Holly J, don't you? You love her. I love Peter. You're just my brother, stop acting like an angry boyfriend."
And with that, she storms off to her bedroom, Peter trailing right behind her. Once inside, she sits on her bed, trying to fight the tears from coming. He kneels in front of her and places a hand on her face.
"Hey, it's alright. It's hard, I get it. That was very brave of you though, Fi."
"I know it was," She sniffles. "It's just…"
"You still love him." He finishes for her, looking at her with understanding on his face.
She nods and lets the tears fall.
"I'm sorry, I just can't help it."
"I know you can't, babe. Which is why we can't be together."
"What? Peter, no!"
"It's not fair, Fiona. To either of us. We can stay in a relationship together, but you want someone else and he's not ever going to away from your life. He's the one, and that'll never change. I love you, but that's why I'm doing this. I love you so much that I know that I won't be the one to make you happy. I make you happy now, but I'm not the one that makes your toes curl or the one that gives you butterflies. When you think of your future, I'm not the guy who's there with you. I love you, but I have to let you go."
He's crying now and she pulls him into a tight hug, whispering apologies to him the entire time.
"It's alright, Fi. I'm the guy who gets left, I get it. I get left for ex-boyfriends, trips to Africa, modeling contracts, and hot brothers." He laughs a little and she laughs along with him, glad that he doesn't hate her.
"The girl who you end up with is going to be very lucky, Peter Stone."
"Hey, who says it's going to be a girl?" He smirks. "Maybe I'm into dudes and that's why I can't hold a relationship. Maybe I should give Riley a call."
He laughs again and she knows that he's kidding.
"Well, whoever it is. They'll be very lucky." She sighs. "What are we going to tell people?"
"The truth," He pauses. "I'm way too much man for you to handle."
She smiles and plants a soft kiss on his lips.
"You're such a good guy."
"Hey, don't go ruining my reputation!"
It's almost the end of the year and they're deciding where they're going to college. Fiona gets accepted into Yale, so does Declan. Holly J decides to go to U of T. Declan is torn. So is Fiona. She gets accepted into a fashion institute in New York, and Peter, who is pretty much her best friend now, is going to NYU. Once again, she has to choose between her brother who will never just be her brother, and the boy who treats her like she's the most important thing in the world.
So alright, Fiona and Peter might still be considered a couple because they might have not told anybody that they were broken up. But it's not like they do anything to feed to those couple rumors. It's not their fault they hold hands in public and are very cuddly at home. That's it, though. They aren't flying planes with banners exclaiming their love for each other or anything.
Fiona is still going to therapy and has pretty much accepted the fact that she doesn't need to be with Declan, or any guy, really, to make her happy. She shouldn't even be with Declan in the first place, so she's dealing with the fact that she's getting over him, too. Peter's actually going to therapy too to work out his issues. It's actually very cute. They go to therapy at the same time (different therapists), then afterwards they talk about the ground they covered in their sessions.
One night Peter is out on a "bro date" with Sav, Danny, and Spin celebrating the fact that Spin knocked Emma up, and Fiona is home alone watching re-runs of Project Runway. Declan suddenly comes home, early from a date from Holly J looking all sorts of distressed. He just stands there and looks at her for a long amount of time and when she starts to feel annoyed, she looks at him.
"Why are you staring at me?"
"Why am I staring at you?" He laughs a sarcastic sounding laugh. "Aren't you even going to ask me what's wrong?"
She sighs and turns off the TV.
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me."
"It's Holly J. She's planning our future and how we're going to be able to visit each other when college starts and the trips we're going to take on Christmas break and Spring Break and pretty much everything!"
She just stares at him with a blank look on her face.
"Don't you have anything to say, Fiona?"
"I don't see what you're freaking out over, Declan! She's your girlfriend. She has been for nearly a year. You're attached at the hip. It's understandable that she's looking in the future for you."
He stares at her with an expression of disbelief, because, really, the old Fiona would convince him to break up with her or try to make a move on him right now and they'd go back to what they always go back to.
"That's the problem though! When I look into the future, I don't see myself with her."
He slowly sits down next to her and puts his hand on her knee.
"I see myself with you, Fi-Fi, just like I always have."
And just like that, she's sucked back into his presence. Even though she's worked so hard to get out of his hold, here she is again. She's back to kissing him even though it's forbidden and it's always going to be secret.
But right there, that's what makes her stop. She pushes him away from her and stands up, staring down at him angrily.
"Stop it! You can't just keep coming back to me when you're scared or bored with someone else! I deserve better, Declan." She starts crying those inevitable tears. "I can't be your dirty little secret, anymore. I love you, and I don't know how you really feel about me. A long time ago I thought that you loved me, but you do nothing to prove to me that that's how you really feel! I need to be able to be loved and not just in a bed or on a couch or in a hotel room! I need to be loved out in the open where everybody can see! I need to be in a relationship that doesn't make me feel ashamed about myself when I think about how other people are going to react or how our family would disown us! You don't stick up for me and I take the fall all by myself. I need a guy who can be there for me, and I just don't think you're it."
When he doesn't respond she shakes her head and starts to walk away, stopping only when she hears his voice. His voice is firm and has no trace of doubt.
"I could change everything if I could, Fiona! You think it doesn't hurt me that I can't kiss you in front of everyone we care about? When I can't tell all my friends how in love with you I am? I wish that we could just be together! Please, don't leave me, Fi-Fi. I can't be without you. Come to Yale with me. We can change our identities there and we won't have to be brother and sister. We can just be a couple there. We can be in love there."
She turns around and stares at him, trusting his words but trying to decide if he'll stick to them. They sound perfect right now, but is he willing to stay true to them in the long run?
"Are you going to break up with Holly J?"
When he looks down at the ground without answering her, she nods her head, confirming what she already knows. He's never going to fully commit to her.
"That's what I thought."
She leaves him in her living room and she goes out into the warm night, surprisingly at peace with her decision.
She ends up going to Yale anyways. She never was the strong one in their relationship. He's all she has, afterall.