Chapter 12: & I'm Tired of Being All Alone
I took my time walking up to the school. Every fiber of my being was rigid. Every step was closer to seeing her. Every painful step was leading to this very moment; the very moment when the truth was bond to come rushing out. My heart was tight and pounding loud in my head. It was an hour after school had already begun. Near the entrance of the school, I could see Daichi waiting for me. A smile formed on my lips as I drew closer.
Daichi opened the door and followed after me. I stared down the hallway at two girls who had paused to stare right back at me. I turned away not wanting them to see but I knew it was too late. The bruises on my face were healing slowly. They were still black and blue but the edges were beginning to turn green, which was a good sign. My ankle was in a brace and I had to use crutches to get around. Other than that the only thing that still hurt was my pride. But I needed to bear it for the time being. All of these things were going to disappear and I wouldn't have to think of it ever again.
But thinking of the future wasn't going to help me in the present. I needed to focus on today because today was definitely going to be the toughest. I didn't want to face my teammates nor my classmates. Worst of all, I didn't want to see Amu. I couldn't imagine the look on her face once she saw me. I cringed at the thought. Daichi was quiet. It was so rare of him to be silent but he knew everything that had conspired between me and Kaido. So his silence was understandable.
We reached the main office getting the key to the elevator so I didn't have to climb the stairs. The lady who gave us the key gave me a questionable look but never said a word to either of us. As we were heading out, a group of kids came around the corner and almost bumped into me. They stopped dead as soon as they saw my condition and continued staring even when I apologized for being in their way. I kept my head down as we passed classrooms with open doors and Daichi made sure to cover at least one side of my body from view. Shame poured from every pore. I couldn't stand it.
That's when I felt Daichi's hand on my shoulder bringing me back into reality.
"You alright, man?" His grip tightened. "I can take you back home if you're not ready."
I shook my head. "No I'm good. I just need to get over these nerves that's all." I tried to be reassuring but Daichi wasn't buying it.
He rolled his eyes. "If I were you I would have waited a week or so before coming back. This is like suicide and you know it."
The elevator door opened and we were quick to get on because the bell would be ringing any minute to let students out for their next class. The sooner I got to my teachers, the sooner I could hand in my homework from the days I had already been absent from school.
I shifted uncomfortably on my crutches. My armpits were aching already from how I had to rest my body on them. The elevator door opened and my stomach clenched at the sight of kids scurrying the halls. The bell must have rang when we were in the elevator. Daichi pressed his hand lightly on my back, urging me to step forward. I took a deep breath and did as he wanted.
Instantly, eyes snapped in my direction. Some were horrified while others stared and then quickly looked away as if the sight of me disgusted them. A foot radius started to form around us as we began to walk down the hallway. Every girl I gazed upon reminded me of Amu and I began to feel sick. I was beginning to wobble with each step and Daichi had to stop me from going any further until the next set of classes began. Obviously, my friend was right when he said I should have waited to return.
Finally, we were able to make it to all my classes but one. I couldn't go into most of my classes because they were filled with students and I didn't feel comfortable enough to enter when I knew everyone was going to stare. The principal said it was best for me to sit in study hall for the day so I wouldn't distract my fellow classmates from their work. I agreed with him simply because it sounded a whole lot better than facing them all at once.
Daichi couldn't stay with me, of course, but I didn't mind the silence of study hall. I mostly sat and doodled in my notebook while avoiding the stares of the students that were in study hall. Most of the kids in the room were frequently late, ditched or simply got in trouble too much to be in a classroom setting. So while the atmosphere wasn't too great, I tried to make the best of the situation.
Lunch was served to us, which sucked because I couldn't meet up with my friends but then the idea of being seen by Amu or her friends definitely didn't please me either. The rest of the day seemed to pass by pretty quick and once the school bell rang dismissing students for the day, I was completely stoked.
Daichi texted me and said to wait by study hall so he could take me home since my brothers were busy handling things with the police and Kaido. As I stood waiting, something out of the corner of my eye popped out to me.
It was a girl with a green sweater, a form-fitting black skirt, leggings, and her hair tied into a fish-tail braid. Without even thinking, I looked up and finally understood why she caught my attention. It was Amu, the very person who I was hoping to avoid successfully today.
A lump formed in my throat. I wanted so badly to turn and run but I couldn't keep my eyes away from her. She was talking to Rima and by what I could tell she was distracted and fidgety. There were bags under her eyes and overall she just appeared worn out. My heart went out to her immediately. I wanted to go over to her, but I couldn't. Not now and maybe not ever.
Suddenly it was like a slow motion moment. Her tired eyes found me and transformed from surprise to horror. Rima also turned and her expression was the exact same. If only I could turn away and run. I was rooted in place with nowhere to hide.
Her movements were slow and calculated. It was like she was a rusty, old robot who could finally move again. Her mouth opened to voice anything and everything that was running through her mind but I wouldn't allow it.
"Hey Amu! How are you today?" I forced the happiness right out of me trying to diffuse the atmosphere.
She scrutinized every part of my body. I wanted to stop her. This isn't how I wanted to bring it up. I needed to get out of this one way or another.
"Kukai, what's going on with you?" Amu swallowed and I could see the tears forming in her eyes. "I want the truth."
I was trembling and stuttering now. I didn't want to talk. "T-this isn't the right t-time." I looked around watching all the people pass by. "T-too many people."
She shook her head. "Then come with me now! I'm tired of playing this game with you!" Rima touched her shoulder making Amu flinch but her eyes never wavered from me. "I deserve answers from you! I've waited long enough! It's your fault I can't sleep at night!"
"No way, Amu. This isn't a good time for this." I regained control of my voice. She stepped forward and embraced me. "What are you doing?"
Amu squeezed tighter. "Let's talk outside, Kukai." Her voice was barely audible. I met Rima's eyes noticing the anger just beneath the surface. She was daring me to refuse Amu again. I bit the inside of my cheek and sighed. "We can talk outside but not around these people." Rima looked away and told Amu that she would talk to her later, dismissing herself entirely. I was surprised that Daichi hadn't interrupted yet but then I watched Rima approach him at the end of the hallway. After she had apparently told him what was going on they disappeared around the corner together.
Wordlessly, Amu and I walked out the nearest doors. I noticed a bench a few feet away but she gripped my shoulder stopping me. I turned noticing her eyes glued to the bench in question. That's when it hits me; it's where we broke up. "It doesn't have bad karma." I muttered catching her off-guard. She released me and followed quietly. Once seated, she stared holes into my skull just waiting for me to begin.
I stared just as intensely mustering up the strength to speak. But she was patient, always has been, and it is one trait I wished I had. Once I collected myself. I started at the very beginning. Kaido was drinking to cope with the loss of his job and the anniversary of our parent's death. He had never really grieved over their loss and with the stress of losing money to pay for the house, groceries, and anything else any of his siblings needed- it tore him apart. He was angry to say the least. It led to a lot of fights and some of those fights got violent.
Kaido would disappear for days before coming home completely trashed. He would have bruises and broken bones leading us to think he got into trouble at the bars. My other brothers tried to get him help but it always failed. Kaido didn't want the help. It was always his choice and he got worse. He purposely fought with us like we were to blame for his problems. Unkai and Rento had moved out a couple months ago. So it was only Kaido, Shuusui, and I living in our house and it was hell. I told her about the beatings next. Her eyes widened and her fists clenched. She was rigid with terror and grief. I gave her most of the bloody details from the days I missed at school to the reason why I broke it off with her. I wanted to protect her.
Then I talked about the betrayal. I had told Utau and had been hanging out with her behind Amu's back. She let loose a few tears but never once interrupted. It was a lot to take in and I would be speechless too if the roles had been switched. After coming clean, I waited for her response. She turned away and wiped her eyes.
"Amu?" I called out. She stood up and began walking. I jumped up after her, grabbing her wrist and ignoring my throbbing ankle. I had left my crutches by the bench. "Are you even going to say anything to me?"
She shook her head. "What else am I supposed to say, Kukai?" Ripping her wrist from my hand, she turned and pushed me back a few feet. "You broke my heart! You… ass!" She heaved the last word, practically screaming it.
I raised my hands up to defend myself. "Woah! Hold up! You have no idea what I'm feeling or what I've felt these past months!" I touch her shoulders keeping a good foot or so between us. "This has torn me apart, too. So do not act like you're the only one hurting."
Anger was the only thing swimming in her honey colored eyes. "I love you. You had no right to keep me in the dark for this long! And to tell your ex?" She slapped both hands off her shoulders. "You have a lot of nerve."
"It doesn't have to matter anymore!" I yelled throwing my hands up in the air desperately trying to get her on my side. She pushed me again, seething at this point.
"Never, ever tell me it doesn't matter!" She poked my chest repeatedly driving me further back until I fall back onto the forgotten bench. I was at her mercy now. "If it was enough to break you apart then it does matter. You matter, so don't tell me otherwise." She spitted with venom. "Don't make me regret falling in love with you."
Just as she was about to continue her rant, I stopped her. "I love you, too." She paused mouth slightly open at my admission. Her eyes red from crying begin to tear up again.
"Don't you dare say that right now," Her voice quivered. "You can't just say that and expect it to stop this fight."
I frowned. "I'm not saying it to end this fight. I'm saying it because I finally have the courage to tell you." I fidget with my hands not knowing what to do with them. Reach out and grab for her again? Or keep them still? I don't look down though. I kept my gaze steady with her watching the turmoil rage on in her eyes.
"I'm not saying it to get back together either. I'm telling you be-"
"Stop," Her voice croaked. "It's not what I want to hear right now." She continued staring- waiting for what she wanted most.
I cleared my throat, using my crutches, I stood up again. "I'm sorry. I don't deserve you, never will." I sighed. "I will do anything to have you in my life again." A few tears cascaded down her cheek but I was quick to wipe them away. My thumb grazed her cheek affectionately. She leaned into my hand and I placed a quick kiss to her lips. I tried for another but she backed out of my grasp smiling sadly.
"I'm afraid it will take more than that to win me back." She flipped around but casted a longing stare over her shoulder. Suddenly she took off running to the doors leaving me flabbergasted. I lost my footing falling back onto the bench and my crutches fall to the ground- forgotten. I whipped out my phone dialing her number immediately. It went straight to voicemail and I could feel the tears flowing down my face.
"Call me now, Amu! We need to talk! Please!" I shut the phone utterly disgusted with myself. How could I let this happen? If only I didn't mess up the only thing that made me happy. I made a bad call afterall.
Jesus fucking Christ, I posted the first chapter like three years ago? All I can say is thank you for all of the support through the years and all of the lovely reviews. It's nice to be finished with another story :) I know it was quick and kind of unfinished, but honestly I was going to end this story a lot worse! And before you ask I won't right a second part to this story! So don't be too disappointed. (Not all stories have to have a happy ending.) I'm moving onto bigger and better stories and I seriously cannot wait. I do plan on writing another Kukamu story but that will be far off in the future. (Maybe after I finish the other five other stories I have planned?) Anyway, have a Merry Christmas and New Year's everyone! :) Cheers! (& sorry for breaking your hearts with this ending!) 3