I do not own Naruto, nor will I ever. If I did, then I might be more apologetic to certain characters. Hopefully we all can look past this and get on with the story.
Tsunade waited not so patiently for the man she had called into her office. He was already a few hours late, and he was making his situation worse and worse. Finally, though, he came in, swaggering and with the trademark roguish grin plastered on his face.
"Jiraiya!" she yelled, letting him know he was in deep crap. "Do you even know why you're here?"
He grinned, unfazed by her glare of death that worked so often against Naruto and others. "You finally decided to help me with my research?"
"No!" She roared, nearly throwing the desk at him. She held herself back only because her alcohol stash was hidden in the desk, where Shizune could not take it away from her. "Your research is the whole problem!"
She pulled out a drawer full of Icha Icha. It was a collection that would be magnificent in the eyes of every pervert from any country throughout the world. Every quarterly edition, every single special gold sumer edition, and even the hokage edition was contained in there. She shook this at him, the very sacred contents threatening to fall out. Many of the books looked worn, as if read more than just a few times.
"I don't see any problem with it. In fact, it looks like you have the third most complete collection in the world!" Jiraiya proudly declared, very thankful that she had not decided to hit him yet. Only himself and Naruto had better collections, and Naruto not by choice. He had just happened to be along for the ride for three years, long enough to get used to it. Kakashi came close, but only because he did not have certain once in a lifetime issues.
"Look at the title of that folder, and you tell me what you think the problem is!" Jiraiya looked, finding the title of the folder being, 'Jiraiya's reports'. As soon as he saw the title, he shrugged. It seemed to be correct. The old man Sarutobi had always filed things so nicely. "You pervert! I ask for reports and you send me porn! What kind of crap do you think you're pulling?" With that she threw the folder at him, hiding a good sized brick behind it, namely her fist.
Jiraiya caught the folder, not daring to let its precious contents fall to the ground. Of course, her fist hit him directly. In order to protect his precious creations, he had to let himself be hit. Flying back into the door, he felt the hit but did not let a single page from the folder touch the ground. When he looked up again, Tsunade was standing over him, fist raised and ready to hit him again.
"You mean the old man never told you?" Jiraiaya carefully asked, knowing that he could be dead at any moment. Tsunade stopped, waiting for him to elaborate. That meant that he at least had time to explain himself. Standing, he carefully placed back all of the loose pages into the folder. Then he walked over to the old filing cabinets that littered the back of the room. Coming to the one this file came from, he felt around for the paper he knew would be stuck to the inside. It took some finding and required him to dispel a genjutsu, but he found the page he was looking for. It was small, but it was a code translator.
"This, my sweet Tsunade, is something very important. Sensei read Icha Icha because it was the easiest way for my reports to reach him. All of my spy network findings are in there, where no one would expect them to be. This paper gives you the decoder, which should be enough to get through Icha Icha." He said, grinning and showing her that he truly was turning in reports. Reports stashed in the middle of lines of innuendo, but much more fantastic reports than other ninja like Kakashi.
She looked at him in a measure of contempt and some form of awe. He was not sure what would happen now, after he had laid all of the cards on the table. She paced a few times, taking the time to think out her next words.
"So, does this mean that Sensei and the Yondaime were not total perverts? Were they just reading this to read your reports?" She seemed to be in thought. Then she looked at him, expecting an answer.
"Oh, on the contrary. My dear, they were indeed total perverts. Minato was not always known for that, but Kushina definitely helped him get into that, and Sensei was always a closet pervert." He would have continued explaining but Tsunade had grabbed his collar.
"So, you want me to read your perverted books just because you feel like expressing your spy reports through them!" Jiraiya took his life into his own hands and nodded. Tsunade was disgusted with him, and just threw him onto his butt. "You expect me to just be a pervert, reading this smut? Well, Jiraiya, I expect some real reports, with actual intel, on my desk by this evening. Understand?"
Jiraiya could only nod. He was in serious trouble. He had no idea how to write a real report. His first report had been what had lead to Icha Icha, In fact, Sarutobi sensei had thought it was ingenious enough to tell him to keep his reports like that. Minato had never asked for anything different, only recommending that he and Kushina not be in any editions of Icha Icha. Jiraiaya kept that promise so far, but it was only a matter of time. The notebook he had from them was full of some of the best stuff he had ever hoped to publish. One day it would come out into print. It was only a matter of time. So, he was in a noticeable panic. He had no idea how to file a real report, much less what the heck he would put on it. With that he was kicked out of the office.
He wandered around town, searching for some sort of inspiration to write a report. He tried the bath houses, but those were not giving him the inspiration he needed. It did give him the cover for his next quarterly edition of Icha Icha, but nothing concrete for writing a report. The only way he knew how to place information in any kind of report was to bury it inside of many layers of thick innuendo. So, he tried the bars, the marketplace, even the library, but he still could not find a good source of inspiration to write a simple report. Even Naruto didn't know how to write a report, and Jiraiya didn't feel comfortable asking anyone else. Kakashi maybe, but the guy would ask for a signed hokage edition, and Jiraiya only gave those to the hokage. Plus they contained the most detailed spy reports, like the ones on Akatsuki. So, the only ones in existence were in Naruto and Tsunade's hands.
Sighing in defeat, he started to draw a seal, with a line of innuendo written instead of brushstrokes. He only knew one way to write these out, and so he started writing out all of the lines that held information in the latest edition. This took two hours, making him realize that maybe this would be a tad bit more difficult than he thought. Now, he had to translate that to just pure information. To do this it nearly broke his heart. By the time he was done the paper was covered in marks of tears, tears of great sadness. It hurt him so badly to destroy the miracle of his research. So, by the end of the day he had translated a few lines. It was all his heart had the strength to give. He really hoped that it would be enough.
On the other side of the village, Tsunade was sitting at her desk, room locked and sealed so that no one could enter. She tentatively started to examine the decoding sheet, written in Sarutobi's clear handwriting. He seemed to have gotten this from an original copy, probably some of Jiraiya's work. In front of her was his latest edition, untouched and unopened. She had looked at his books only once, and noticed that someone surprisingly of her description had been on the cover. That was enough to turn her off to the series after that.
Still, here she was, in the seat of the Hokage. Did this office just turn someone into a pervert, or was it the effects of Jiraiya? On the other hand, she knew for sure that sensei had been a closet pervert, with that all seeing magic ball of his. Her grandfather had almost created legislation to promote communal bathing a few times, a possibility that her own ancestors were perverts. So, with great trepidation, she decided to see if this made her into a pervert, or if she was just going to get information from this. Decoding sheet ready to assist her, and in position to cover anything completely horrible, she began reading the book.
Strangely, Jiraiya had a plot driven book, not the total smut she was expecting. Flipping back to the cover, she saw that this was the 'hokage edition'. Did he make it just for her? If he did, oh would he ever get a pounding. She read, seeing that this series talked about a girl, Nata, so shy it almost hurt to see her trying to win the affections of the man she cared about. It mirrored someone exactly like Hinata, Tsunade realized. The girl even had long lavender hair, while the male lead, Ruto, seemed to be a carbon copy of naruto, with blond hair. How the heck would jiraiya know that? He had not been in the village to see this happening! She was so engrossed in the book that the decoding sheet was long forgotten, as she tried to understand the plot and see what would happen.
Nose buried in it, she kept on reading, surprised that for one there was no pornography in this edition, only innuendo and allusions to it. What kind of Icha Icha book was this? Then again, this was the first one she had read. She didn't even realize how long she had been there until her stomach started growling, but she ignored it. Reading on, she saw how the story lead to Ruto holding the attention of many other women, even a princess. When he finally realized that Nata had been interested in him, he began to rush to her. Tsunade smiled, seeing a happy ending in sight. Not to mention there was only a few pages left. Eyes straining at the page, she read about how Ruto was trying to get back home in time, but was attacked and captured by a group of thugs with hair that was black with red fuzzy spots, which confused her. Getting to the last page, she saw Ruto being held in a prison cell, not knowing if he would ever see the girl who truly loved him ever again. Tsunade was awestruck. There was not a single page of pornography in here. There was some close calls and some innuendo, but overall anyone could read this.
Why was it the hokage edition then? This was beyond confusing. But she desperately wanted to see how the book played out. Looking at the last page, she saw a note declaring that the next edition would be in three months. She was stunned, not even moving as the book slipped out of her senseless hands. Her eyes filled with the deepest rage she could muster, angry that she could not see how the book ended. Slamming her hands into her desk, she sent the decoding paper into her face.
She turned bright red, realizing that she had completely forgotten her real reason for reading this book. Embarrassed beyond belief, she picked up the decoding paper and started to go through it again, trying very hard not to get sucked into the compelling plotline. This turned difficult, as she had a much better understanding of the way the conversations played out on the second read through.
Decoding this wasn't hard once you got used to it. You just had to distance yourself from the ever so intriguing plot. She had most of the book decoded when someone finally knocked on the door. With another embarrassed moment, she realized she had been cooped up in here all day.
"Come in!" She yelled, sticking the offending book just barely out of sight.
Jiraiya walked in, looking like he had just been told to kill an infant. He just glumly walked up and sat down at the offered chair, ignoring the slight embarrassed tinge on her face. He sniffled a bit, obviously having had some sort of emotional breakdown.
"I-i-I did it, Tsunade." He said, shuddering. "I wrote a report, and i-i-I hope you like it." He handed her a slip of paper, painstakingly written out in his handwritten notes.
"Baka!" She said, reading it. "You don't even write down the dates and locations here! Don't you know how to file a report?"
She barely heard the muttered "No," She stood up and walked over to him, realizing how hard that must have been. Going through the academy together, Jiraiya's penmanship was terrible. One of the reasons he had started writing books was to improve on that penmanship. He had succeeded over time, but many of the basics of ninja paperwork he still didn't understand, as this experience was showing. It must have been a hard ordeal to get him this worked up.
On the other hand, she had a question of her own. She wanted to know the ending, and she couldn't wait for another three months. She put her hands on his shoulders and made sure to calm him down before asking. Coming back around her desk, she pulled out the book she just read and placed it down in front of him. His eyes widened, obviously noticing the signs of it being read.
"Jiraiya," She started, "If you don't tell me how this story ends I am going to kill you." He turned pale, enough that his ordeal was forgotten. Tsunade threatening his life he could understand, but threatening it over Icha Icha was something he could not. He could simply not comprehend her wanting to kill him over something she hated. A few hours ago, she had told him that he would die for sending her this instead of a report. Does this mean that she had changed her mind, that she could be more appreciative? Or was this just a trick, to get him to be more compliant with her wishes later? His mind didn't know what to think.
"jiraiya," Tsunade said calmly, "I apologise. I can tell that you put a lot of effort into this book." She motioned to the hokage edition on the desk. "I also took the time and decoded it, and I am very impressed with your reports. I can see why Konoha was well gifted by your skills over the years. But I have one problem with this." She leaned close to him, and he was still too afraid to do much of anything to stop her. "If you ever give me another cliffhanger like this I will kill you. Now tell me how this ends!"
"It's a quarterly," Jiraiya whimpered. At her glare he kept talking. "Well, it sort of doesn't have an ending yet."
Tsunade frowned. Jiraiya was glad he wore some layers of armor, though it did not help very much against her. Her kick left him airborne to the ceiling, and then right back onto the ground where he started. "What do you mean it doesn't have an ending yet?"
Jiraiya started circling his pointer fingers around each other in agitation. "Well, the person I am basing the book off of sort of hasn't made a decision yet. So I don't have an ending until he makes the decision. I just hope that he makes one in three months, my editor will come after me if I don't publish."
Tsunade saw that she could not see the ending of her book until the clueless Naruto actually made a move. Yelling in indignation, she tossed Jiraiya out the door. "Im not happy with you, Jiraiya, but keep up your schedule. If you don't give me the results I need, I'll make you regret it. Only jiraiya saw her flash the top of the book at him. With a grunt and a nod, he went running, straight to the bathhouses. He knew that he needed some serious inspiration for the next one.
Tsunade watched him run, smiling. Hopefully he would be able to finish that book. Looking back at the other books in the collection, she smirked. Maybe she would read those too, if this one was that good. Looking at them, she made sure to close her doors again. Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't mind jiraiya sending in his reports like this. Picking up the edition of icha icha she had seen and been disgusted by so long ago, she sat down to read, decoder sheet nearby if she really wanted to make an excuse out of it. Maybe, just maybe, all of the hokages are perverts.
Well, this one was the product of an idea and a long airport trip. Six hours of layover produced some interesting results. This was one of them, and I hope you enjoyed it. I just wanted to show how Jiraiya kept in contact with Konoha over the years, how he would only need to stop be time to time. This just seemed to be the most logical way for a spymaster to report to the hokage. So, I wrote it all up and thought that it would be pretty funny. Hope you enjoyed this latest bit from Aberron, and catch me later for some more fun.