Author's Note

Title: Journey to myself

Chapters: no idea how many I'm going to write

Genre: hurt/comfort, drama, romance

Rating: NC-17 (for self-harm and future sexual situations)

Warning: self-harm (cutting)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything and everything I write is with the use of my imagination

This story is based on the movie 'Latter Days', I don't know who has seen it, but it's about a hot party guy (Christian) and a Mormon missionary (Aaron) who live next to each other. Christian has to convert one of them as a part of a fifty dollar bet and he sure tries his hardest. Problem number one: Aaron is gay. Problem number two: they fall for each other. When Aaron's comrades see Aaron and Christian kissing, Aaron gets sent back home and he is kicked out of church for committing this 'sin' that they're all so against. To make a long story short: Christian feels more for Aaron than just a shallow crush and goes after him and tries to find him. Aaron tries to commit suicide and his parents put him in a center that is supposed to make him better. At the end of the movie, Aaron stops by a restaurant called 'Lila's', where Christian also works. They see each other run over to each other and embrace each other and they lived happily ever after, I think. We don't actually get to see that. We just see them holding hands at a table where they're having dinner with Christian's co-workers and boss.

I wanted to write something about a Christian who firmly believes that his feelings are an abomination to God, so he tries to change. I have no idea who would want to change themselves for someone else, but there you go, it does happen (in the US for example). I wanted to write about self-acceptance and the insecurities that come with it. I would imagine that someone who has denied his own feelings for years would have self-esteem of absolutely zero. But then again, that is my imagination. I don't know anyone who is a Christian and gay and tries to change himself, so everything you read in this story is based in my imagination and what I think would happen. This is also very OOC and non-magic.

It deals with the feelings of a person who thinks he's bad because his parents taught him that and his church teaches him that. I decided to explore someone like Aaron in the movie because it seemed interesting to me to crawl into the head of someone who has to deny who he is to be loved by God and his parents. Then of course you've got a man (or three) who are completely OK with their gayness and it blows the religious character away (I won't say who it is yet). This also deals with self-loathing which I think may be a common thing around young men or women who hate who they are because they are taught that others hate it. The main character tries to cut the Devil out of his body in the hope that he will be free from his feelings. I don't know why I chose self-harm, but I think someone like the main character would do that to 'cleanse' his soul as it were.

I have no idea how many chapters I am going to write, but I'm currently writing chapter number seven, so I think there will be a lot more chapters.

Again, everything in this story is based on my imagination and I have no idea how much of it really happens, though I have no doubt that it does happen. I'm not religious, I'm an atheist (and gay and perfectly OK with that), but I tried to imagine being a devout Christian who takes the Bible very literally and seriously. I took religion class in elementary school for about two years, but I knew deep in my small heart that I believed nothing of it. I'm not going to throw my atheism out here, but anyway, I tried to bring forth a part of Christianity that is against everything that's different from the norm and I know that a lot of Christians do not think that way, but I also know that there are Christians who do think that way.

I have no beta, so all mistakes are my own, however I thoroughly check my grammar and spelling mistakes.

I was actually very excited to write something like this, because I have not yet encountered a similar story like this. I think it would be very tough for a religious young man to accept who he is because he sees that everything he has been taught was a lie when he travels someplace else to see for himself what 'they' are like, which I did in this case. Perhaps his firm belief that homosexuality is wrong and an abomination is kind of short (for about three chapters) in this story, but I felt that the character had to move on. I think someone that insecure would hunger for some kind of approval, whether or not it comes from his parents or family. He hangs out with these people who are totally different than he is and he needs to deal with that. Someone expresses their firm belief of freedom and it shakes the main character to his core and he begins to doubt himself. It's all 'what if' really. I think someone who had to live in a prison of religion for years would very much hunger for acceptance and approval and when he sees that it is OK in this part of the country, and then he is on the road of being OK with that. I tried to write the main character as a bit of a stiff person and hopefully I succeeded in pulling that off.

I will shut up now.