How Kronos Became Ruler of the Universe and His Failures as a Parent

As a matter of fact, Kronos had never wanted to have kids. When he was young it had never crossed his mind. Why strain himself with the burden of parenthood? There would be so much he needed to do. College funds, paying for their extracurricular activities, buying stuff for them. It was too much work.

It would also get pretty awkward on holidays. Not only would he have to take them to visit their grandparents (how exactly do you visit the earth?) they would have to do with the bothersome topic of the Cyclopses and Hundred Handed Ones. He could just imagine the dinner conversation with grandpa:

"Where are all our relatives?"

"I locked them underneath the Earth in a giant hellhole! Muahaha!"

Kronos did think that his father was sort of a jerk for doing that. Being ugly is no excuse for locking your kids in Tartarus to suffer eternal torture. Wasn't it his genes that made the Cyclopses and Hundred Handed Ones ugly anyway? Hypocritical much?

He knew his mom felt pretty bad about her children being imprisoned, Kronos wondered why she didn't just spit them back out, until one day she concocted a plan to free them. She gathered her remaining children around her, around a crack in ground actually, and asked which one of them would be willing to kill their father.

That seemed a little extreme to all of the other Titans but Kronos had always been somewhat homicidally inclined so he agreed. His mother gave him this scythe to carry out the deed and made him promise to release his ugly brethren once he ruled the universe.

The only problem with all this was that after Kronos had all the power and responsibilities of being king of everything he sort of forgot about the Cyclopeses and Hundred Handed Ones. It wasn't like they hadn't been trapped long enough already; they could wait a couple thousand years.

Out of the blue his wife Rhea, who was also his sister (come on people there's absolutely nothing wrong with inbreeding), announced that she was pregnant.

Boy was that scythe looking appealing.

It was clear to Kronos that he had utterly failed in the parenting department. Or maybe his kids had failed in the "respect authority" department. Yeah, he liked that last one. Door #2 please.

It was true that Kronos hadn't been the most affectionate father but that was a result of ruling the universe. He didn't have time to go to ball games, school performances, or fishing trips. His always said he needed to hug his kids more. But that Zeus had some serious static electricity powers and he didn't want to risk it.

Besides, those six pains of Olympic proportions were just a little too weird. Sure lots of parents don't understand their kids but Demeter had an obsession with corn that he just couldn't relate to. Plus, judging by the way Hestia stared at the family hearth, a creepy somewhat sadistic smile on her face; she just might have been a pyromaniac.

Oh and then there was Poseidon, always skipping school to go flirt with the mermaids. His grades slipped and when he got home he didn't do his homework, he just sat there staring at the wall with a blank expression on his face. Kronos was constantly getting dragged to parent teacher conferences. It was always, "Hera doesn't relate well to the other children" or "Hestia would get better grades if she stopped setting the classroom on fire" or even "We believe your son Hades might be clinically depressed".

Was it any wonder why he ate them? I mean, he never would have been able to survive the teen years.