AN: Many creative liberties have been taken with this tale. I don't want any Olympian-conformist historians contacting me about inaccuracies.

Spy Rings and Voodoo Dolls

So after Zeus and everybody fought their epic battle (figuratively meaning court case, not a real war) things on earth looked pretty boring. There were only Titans, nymphs, and stuff left. We all know that Zeus would have been content with the nymphs but his siblings were not. They wanted to be gods over something.

That's when Prometheus comes into play.

Zeus was not up for the responsibility that creating a whole species requires. He figured that if he passed the job off to Prometheus and his brother Epimetheus he could go have some fun with the nymphs. The only problem with that was while, Epimetheus was a hard working guy he was somewhat simple in the head. He is the Titan of Afterthought after all. Prometheus on the other hand was the Titan of Forethought meaning…


Ahem. Pardon that outburst. According to multiple resources, much strenuous research, and browsing on Wikipedia it is safe to assume that Prometheus was actually a spy for the Titan Underground Resistance also known as T.U.R because hey, acronyms are cool.

Prometheus figured that the best way to destroy the gods was to use his new Playing God job to his advantage. Instead of doing the obvious thing like making gargantuan monsters he took the subtler approach. Voodoo dolls!

Unfortunately, Hera caught on to this at a suspiciously fast rate and called all the other gods over to look at the rather creepy clay figures lying on Prometheus's work table.

Thinking quickly (that's what he does) Prometheus blew life into the statues, creating the first cavemen, and the whole thing went down like this:

Prometheus: Hi, um, guys. I just created human kind in honor of you.

Epimetheus: They're not instruments meant for your downfall.

Prometheus: Shut up, you'll blow my cover.

Epimetheus: I didn't tell them you were a Titan sp… (Epimetheus is cut off by an unknown force)

Zeus: That's sweet and somewhat creepy.

Demeter: Do they farm? They're no good if they don't farm.

Poseidon: I don't know about you guys but I'd prefer a sacrificed bull any day of the week.

Thinking quickly, Prometheus figured out how to give his naked hairless creations enough intelligence and although the records of this conversation were badly burned our conversation reconstruction generator gave us this:

Prometheus: Well, if you let me give them the god's sacred fire they could worship you.

Zeus: The god's sacred fire is for the gods, duh.

Hestia: Did somebody say fire?

So Prometheus came up with an awesome new plan. He would steal fire from the gods. He got Athena to help him out because, in a bizarre twist, she was actually an undercover member of the T.U.R. Who would have guessed that Athena favored her Titan side of the family after Zeus ate her mom? Seriously, cannibalism must run in the family.

In another shocking twist Athena snitches to daddy Zeus and reveals herself to be a… triple agent? Anyway, as a form of punishment Zeus chained Prometheus to a rock. It's interesting to note that while some sources say that Prometheus was attacked by vultures and others say eagles it was actually both that ripped his liver out everyday. Apparently those Olympian-conformist historians thought it would be overkill, literally, to include that bit of information.

But Prometheus succeeded in one way. Mankind still received fire and realized that they would be warmer if they put on some clothes. They then proceeded to make the wheel, hunt some mammoths, and sacrifice stuff to the gods as a form of appeasement.

Everything would have gone all hunky-dory after that if it wasn't for Pandora and her stupid box.