A/N: Um... A certain someone told me to write a humorous KH fic with Roxas and Riku. I don't think it's that funny;; But here you go? The "ghost" story Riku tells wasn't made up by me; it's called The Legend of Bell Rock. Look it up. :D
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.
Male Bonding—Or Lack, Thereof
"Tell me again, why am I here?" Riku sighed, pulling his leg from the muddy pool his foot had sunken into.
"It's all your fault," Roxas grumbled. He stomped after his companion angrily. "If you hadn't taken my oreos, we never would have fought, Sora never would have said we needed rehabilitation to deal with our 'violent tendencies,' we never would have gotten Kairi as an impromptu therapist, and we never would have been sent to this light-forsaken forest—in the rain, no less!—to camp just so we could have some 'male bonding'...!"
"Hey, calm down. It's not even raining anymore," laughed Riku, amused by Roxas's obvious frustration. Sure, he wasn't particularly happy with their current situation, either, but he wasn't going to explode over it. No, he'd just...steam quietly and keep his anger inside. After all, if the two returned all beat up and showing obvious signs that they'd fought, Kairi would know that her 'male bonding by camping together in the woods' idea didn't work, and who knew what other horrific plots she could concoct? Riku shuddered at the very thought.
"Low tolerance for the cold?" Roxas sneered, noticing the shiver and grateful for the fact that he had decided to wear a jacket.
"Of course not," Riku retorted. "Now...see anywhere we could pitch a couple of tents?"
"Um..." Distracted momentarily from his ranting, Roxas paused and looked around. It was hard to see anything, though, since there were so many trees blocking out whatever sunlight was left (Roxas wasn't sure what time it was, but he assumed it must be early evening by now); he had described the forest well when he had called it 'light-forsaken.' "There might be a clearing up ahead," he suggested.
"That's what I've been telling myself for the past fifteen minutes, and I've yet to find one."
"Then keep looking," grouched Roxas.
"Maybe you could help this time."
The two continued their trek through the forest. After less than three minutes, Roxas started grumbling and complaining again and didn't stop until Riku got fed up with hearing the same complaints over and over again.
"Oh, for the love of all that is holy, shut up!" Riku shouted as Roxas started cursing Sora and Kairi for the umpteenth time. "Maybe if you started looking more and complaining less, we'd find a place to—hey, I think I see a clearing up ahead!" Riku sprinted forward eagerly.
"Hey, wait!" Roxas yelped, not wanting to be left behind. He hurried after Riku, tripping and stumbling through the undergrowth.
Riku put his hands on his hips and surveyed the area. "It's perfect!" he proclaimed, and dropped his bags to the floor. "C'mon, Roxas, let's get these tents set up!"
"Easier said than done," muttered Roxas, looking blankly at the pieces of his tent. "Hey...Riku?"
"Have you ever pitched a tent before?"
"Well...no, but I'm sure it't can't be that difficult."
Two hours later, Roxas and Riku managed to put together what could barely be passed off as two tents. Riku looked very pleased with the results, ignoring the fact that his tent sagged in the back, and that Roxas's tilted awkwardly to the side.
"I think we did pretty good," Riku said, nodding with satisfaction.
Roxas stared at the two tents. He wasn't sure exactly what they were supposed to look like, but this certainly wasn't what he expected. "Are you sure they're supposed to...sag like that?" he asked uncertainly.
"Of course; you can't have supports everywhere, after all," Riku responded knowingly.
Roxas shrugged. It seemed as if Riku had more experience in this than he did, so he had no choice but to trust him. "Okay...now what?"
"Now we eat dinner!" Riku declared. "What did Kairi pack for us?"
Roxas dug his hand into his backpack, which Kairi had said she put food and water into. He pulled out a couple of light containers. "...ramen."
"...are you serious?"
He tossed the ramen to Riku and rummaged around in his pack some more. "Yeah. Wait, there's something else...ahh, let's just do it like this." He pulled his hand out, then turned the pack over, shaking it so that all of the contents would be dumped out. From the pack fell a box of graham crackers, a few large bars of chocolate, a bag of marshmallows, a few bottles of water, a large thermos, a box of ginger snaps, and some plastic cutlery, along with even more containers of ramen.
"How the heck did that all fit?" Riku voiced the question that was running through both their heads.
Roxas simply shrugged in response.
"Whatever, I'm hungry." Riku looked at the containers of ramen in his hands, then pointed at the thermos. "Is that hot water?"
"Lemme check." Roxas opened the lid and peered into the container. "Yeah, it is!" he said, surprised and pleased. At least Kairi didn't seem to forget anything.
Riku poured the water into their ramen and recapped the thermos. "Thank goodness for hot water," he sighed happily. "Cold ramen sucks. And thank goodness we only need to camp for one night." He gobbled his ramen down in a few ravenous gulps, then looked at the other contents that had fallen out of Roxas's backpack. "Hey, I think we can make s'mores!" he said.
"What're s'mores?" Roxas asked, still eating his ramen.
"S'mores are melted chocolate and marshmallows in between two graham crackers. I've never had them myself, but they're supposed to taste really good."
"Not as good as sea-salt ice cream, I'll bet," Roxas muttered in response.
Riku rolled his eyes. "Yes, because nothing can beat the godly taste of sea-salt ice cream," he said sarcastically. Why was Roxas addicted to the stuff? I mean, it tasted okay, but Riku didn't really like it all that much.
"Hmph. So, how do you make s'mores, then?" Roxas asked curiously.
"Well, first of all, we need a bunch of rocks and some wood so we can start a fire," Riku replied. "Come on, help me look."
"Wait—I'm not done with my ramen...fine," he muttered as Riku disappeared into the trees. He carefully set down his meal and hurried after his companion.
The two soon returned to their campsite, arms full of branches and stones, which they dumped in the middle of the little clearing. Riku took charge of the situation and arranged the rocks so that they encircled the mound of wood, then Roxas used his Firaga spell to light the fire.
"Looks good," Riku said cheerfully.
"Not bad," Roxas conceded.
"Now, um..." Riku looked around, then climbed up a tree and broke off a couple of long, thin limbs before scrambling back down.
Roxas looked on with mild curiosity. "Care to explain what we need these for?"
"To roast the marshmallows, of course," Riku answered matter-of-factly. He tore open the pack of marshmallows and speared one with his stick, then stuck it into the fire. It immediately burned up and melted. "Oops. Hand me another one."
After a few more failed attempts, Riku and Roxas managed to make some decent s'mores, which tasted pretty darn good. They made more until they ran out of materials for them.
"Those were almost as good as sea-salt ice cream!" Roxas announced as he finished off his last piece. "Almost, but not quite."
"I told you they were good," Riku said smugly. "Now we eat these—" He grabbed the box of ginger snaps. "—and tell ghost stories!"
Riku opened the box and grabbed a few ginger snaps before passing it to Roxas. "You go first."
"Um...I've never told a ghost story before..."
"Er...okay..." Roxas chewed on a ginger snap thoughtfully. "Once upon a time there was this...ghost. And, um, it haunted this house. And..."
"You suck at telling ghost stories."
"Cut me some slack—I've never done it before, geez!" Roxas crossed his arms. "You tell a ghost story if you're so good," he challenged.
Riku grinned. "Fine, I will." He paused for a moment, thinking. Then, he began to tell a story that he had heard before (though there was no reason to tell Roxas that he hadn't made it up).
"There once lived two brothers who took different paths in life," he began. "One became an abbot and the other a pirate. The abbot often prayed that his brother would stop being evil, but the pirate would always ridicule him in return.
One day, the abbot traveled to a seaside town. He became worried at the increasing number of ships being wrecked upon a nearby rocky island. He wondered what he could do to stop this constant danger. The abbot arranged a meeting with the townspeople. After a long discussion, they came upon a solution: They would construct a large bell and place it upon the island. It's ringing in the wind would alert sailors of the danger."
"I thought this was supposed to be a ghost story," Roxas interrupted.
"And it is! Just be patient, okay?" sighed Riku. "Now, where was I? Right, the bell. After a few months, money was gathered, a massive bronze bell was purchased, and a gantry was built on the island. The day the bell was hung, there was a great celebration. Hymns were sung and the bell was blessed. The island soon became known as 'The Bell Rock,' and the abbot was regarded a hero.
Meanwhile, news of the abbot's great deed reached his evil pirate brother. Jealous that the humble abbot was gaining more attention than his own notoriety, the pirate decided to shame his brother.
Several weeks later, the pirate approached The Bell Rock and ordered his crew to take down the great bell and roll it into the ocean. His crew, though hardy buccaneers, were superstitious and feared what would come out of disposing of the blessed bell. But the pirate ordered them again, and they reluctantly pushed the bell off of the island. The pirate watched the bell disappear beneath the water, grinning madly to himself.
Two days later, the pirate and his crew were ready to set sail again. As they set off, however, the sky grew dark and it began raining heavily. It became impossible to see what was ahead of them. Suddenly, there was a great crunching noise and the ship came to a stop—they had hit the rock! They could not have known it was there, for you could barely see three feet in front of you in such of a heavy storm...and the bell, the warning bell, had been rolled into the sea by the ship's very crew. The ship sunk. Soon, nothing was left of it, except for one lone survivor.
The survivor shared his tale with the town. He claimed that, as his captain, the abbot's pirate brother, disappeared beneath the waves, he heard a ringing bell that sounded just like the bell that had once stood upon The Bell Rock.
The bell was never replaced, though several years later, a lighthouse was built on the island to protect ships. However, to this day, sailors and townsfolk alike will tell you that when there is a strong, heavy storm, if you listen carefully, you can hear the ringing of a deep-toned bell. And if you look into the sky, you can see a ghostly ship sailing through the sky...and you can make out a single figure pacing the deck. The end."
"...well?" Riku prompted.
"That was a stupid story."
"Oh, and I suppose you could do better?"
"Eh...no," Roxas admitted.
Riku grinned. "Then don't complain." He took the box of ginger snaps from Roxas and stuck his hand inside. It reemerged moments later, empty. "What happened to all the ginger snaps?" he wailed.
"Roxas! I can't believe you ate them all!" Riku shouted, dismayed.
Roxas crossed his arms defensively. "Hey, that was a long and boring story. What was I supposed to do while I waited for you to finish?" he demanded.
"Rgh...I'm going to bed!" Riku announced and dove into his tent. It collapsed on him moments later. "Crap."
It took Riku about ten minutes to get his tent standing again—Roxas left him to deal with it himself and managed to crawl into his own deformed tent—but he finally managed it and fell asleep less than five minutes later.
Riku awoke at about noon the next day. He stuck his head out of the tent and saw that Roxas was already up and eating some ramen.
"Morning," Roxas greeted with a wave.
"Morning," Riku yawned. "Are you seriously hungry after eating all those ginger snaps last night? I'm still full from the s'mores!"
"I'm a growing boy," Roxas replied, gulping down his food. "I need to eat."
"Um, sure. Whatever. Hurry up and finish so we get out of here. I'm never going camping again!"
"You can say that again," Roxas agreed, finishing his ramen and starting to pack up.
"Then I will! I'm never going camping again!" Riku repeated. He shoved his stuff into his backpack.
The two (somehow) managed to stuff everything into their packs (Riku had to take some of the food and empty packages because, unlike Kairi, they couldn't fit everything into Roxas's backpack.) and soon they were off on the way home. Miraculously, they knew which way to go. Well, Riku claimed he did, at least.
"Are you sure this is the right way?" Roxas asked.
"Of course," Riku replied confidently.
Roxas wasn't convinced. "How can you be so sure?"
"Call it intuition."
Roxas left it at that and the two walked on in silence.
A few hours and several "snack stops"—they actually ate ramen as their snacks since they devoured everything else the previous night—the two finally emerged from the dense forest that was on Destiny Islands.
Both Roxas and Riku had the urge to yell "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!" but neither of them wanted to receive weird looks, so they didn't and instead walked in silence towards Kairi's house, where they were supposed to go and report the results of their camping expedition.
"So...do you think camping helped us out at all?" Roxas asked.
"Not a chance in hell," Riku replied with a laugh. "But are we gonna let Kairi know that?"
"I won't tell if you won't."