Title: Bake Sale
Chapter Title: First Session
Author: XpaperplaneX
Beta/Co-conspirator: Urplesquirrel
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith
Genre: crack, humour, slash, het
Warnings: drug use (marijuana), smut, general nonsense
Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work. I also don't in any way condone the use of drugs.
Summary: While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

A/N: Umm... well, I blame Urplesquirrel. This is all her fault. I was just an innocent bystander, really. So, a bit of an explanation, PoW is kind of stressing me out what with the heart-wrenching and the tear-jerking, so I needed something fun to work on at the same time. So I'm taking a giant step away from the hurt/comfort genre and delving into crackfic. It was going to be a one-shot, but it ended up being a lot longer than I had originally intended, so it'll probably be a few chapters long at least. There's no smut in this chapter, but there probably will be in the future and I don't feel like doing individual chapter warnings or ratings. So there you have them.


Cloud sighed heavily. This mission was not going well at all. First the business at the reactor; General Sephiroth had apparently freaked out about something and Zack was in big panic. Then Genesis had attacked them as they were returning to Nibelheim and Cloud had been hurt rather badly while attempting to protect Tifa. And now Sephiroth had disappeared for days and Zack had no clue where he had gone. To top it all off, Cloud still hadn't been brave enough to take off his stupid helmet in public.

Cloud rummaged through his rucksack, looking for his book to keep him occupied until Zack came back from looking for Sephiroth. His hand brushed against something else instead: a plastic bag. He hadn't planned to bring it, but it had been right there and he had known this mission would suck. He hadn't even planned on it sucking this much. He deserved a break. Cloud quickly pulled the bag out and tucked it into his uniform.

Gone for a walk. Be back later. Cloud scrawled a note for Zack and left it on the table. Where could he go? He thought of a few places he used to use when he was younger, but that had always been at night. People would definitely see him if he tried it during the middle of the day. He needed someplace away from everyone... the mansion. The Shinra Manor was the perfect place! It was out of the way, and no one ever went there, anyways. He could hole up in a room... maybe hotbox it... that would work wonderfully. He practically skipped down the path towards the mansion, only slowing to duck out of the way of Tifa. Not that she recognised him, anyways. Still, he didn't want to have to make up an excuse about where he was going.

The door opened with a loud creak and Cloud noticed fresh footprints in the layers of dust on the floor. Where to go, where to go? He creaked his way up the ancient staircase and peered in through the keyholes of a few rooms. Unfortunately, they were mostly locked, and the ones that weren't didn't look like a very comfy place to hang out. There was one that looked all right, though. In the western wing - heh, this place had wings - there was an unlocked room with a giant bed and a whole bunch of not-too-dusty pillows. That would do nicely. Cloud kicked his boots off and hopped onto the bed with a sort of childish glee.

He shut the door and made himself a little nest of pillows and blankets and pulled out his stash. Aerith was a god of dealers. She grew the best shit in the back of her church, away from the flowers and out of sight of the children. And she gave him special deals too, since he was Zack's friend. She was the absolute, fucking best, no ifs, ands, or buts. Cloud took out one of his pre-rolled joints and lit it, inhaling deeply. A brief coughing fit later and Cloud was in heaven.


It was far off, but Sephiroth could hear the sound of someone giggling. It was annoying. He was trying to concentrate! Tonight... tonight he would go out and lay waste to the town that had imprisoned his mother. Tonight he would begin his arduous task of destroying this feeble planet for his mother. There was a loud thump and more giggling. Sephiroth growled and shut the book he was trying to read. He needed quiet! He stood and followed the source of the noise, intending to put a stop to it.

Following the laughter led him back the way he had come from, and up the long spiral staircase. He paused to listen at the secret door that led back into the mansion proper; it sounded like whoever was making the noise was right outside. He pressed the switch to activate the door and it slid silently open. A wall of strange smelling smoke greeted him.

"Dude, I wish I had some tunes..." a male voice trailed out of the smoke.

As the haze cleared, Sephiroth could make out a disheveled young trooper lying on the floor amid a pile of pillows and blankets that were trailing off the bed. It was that friend of Fair's; Strife was his name. Cloud Strife. Lying on the floor outside the entrance to the secret basement, smoking something. Cloud hadn't seemed to notice Sephiroth's appearance, which was a bit odd. People usually instinctively jumped to attention whenever Sephiroth entered a room. Usually whether they noticed him or not. And Strife had, until now, been no exception to the rule.

Sephiroth watched curiously, as Strife brought the odd-looking cigarette to his lips once again and then held his breath until he choked and began coughing. "That shit's good. I think this's her best batch yet."

Mother began saying something, telling him that he should go back to the basement; there was more research to be done.

"In a minute," he mumbled. The smoke was making him feel rather lightheaded and he didn't feel like going all the way back downstairs.

Strife heard him speak, however, and turned to look at him. "General! Where'd you come from, man?"

Sephiroth indicated to the open passage behind him.

"Whoa, that's fucked up, man. I swear that was a wall a minute ago." Cloud took another puff of his cigarette and giggled again. "Did you ever wonder where chocobos came from, sir?"

"No. I haven't. What are you doing, Cadet?"

"Relaxing. I'm stressed the fuck out and I need to relax. You should too, sir. Wanna hit?" Strife held out the cigarette.

Sephiroth hesitated. Smoking was bad, he had been taught that much, but it did look like Strife was relaxed, as he said. He could go for some relaxation. He stepped cautiously into the room and let the door slide shut behind him.

"Come sit." Strife hauled another pillow of the bed and set it beside him with a pat.

"Why aren't you sitting on the bed?" Sephiroth asked as he removed Masamune from his harness and placed it against the wall.

"I fell off. I was seeing if I could swim through the pillows. Apparently I can."

"I see..." Sephiroth sat down on the pillow as indicated. Strife handed him the cigarette and Sephiroth held it carefully between his index finger and thumb. It wasn't the way he had seen most people holding cigarettes, but that was the way Strife was doing it. He brought it up to his lips and sucked. The tip glowed red and all Sephiroth could feel was burning in his throat. He coughed violently for what felt like several minutes and felt a small hand patting him on the back. "What the fuck was that?" he demanded when he had gotten his breath back.

"Aerith's best shit. Haven't you ever smoked up before?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Sephiroth coughed a few more times.

"Ah, well, it takes some getting used to. Try smaller drags at first. You'll start to feel it." Strife pulled a plastic bag over to him and took out another cigarette and lit it expertly.

"These aren't regular cigarettes, are they?"

"Umm, not really. It's pot, sir. Didn't you know?"

"No. I must have missed that lecture in the lab." Sephiroth cautiously held the 'pot' to his lips again and took a smaller 'drag' as prescribed. He managed not to cough that time. And he was feeling pretty good, too...

"What were you doing down there?"

"None of your business, Strife."

"Strife, strife, everything's a fucking strife around here. Chill out and call me Cloud."

"Cloud... I think your mother must have been smoking this stuff too."

"Probably, but she'll never admit it. So what were you doing down there? Is it top secret ShinRa stuff?" Cloud flopped to one side and landed with his head in Sephiroth's lap. "Oops... sorry, sir." He rolled over onto his back - head still in Sephiroth's lap - and looked up at him expectantly.

"I was planning to destroy the world."

"Why'd you wanna do that? The world has all sorts of neat shit in it. Like music and velcro and weed and all you can eat at ChocoBill's Diner."

"It's my destiny." Sephiroth took another drag and almost dropped it when the burning part hit his fingers. He giggled. That would have been bad. It would have fallen on Cloud's face. His rather pretty face... "Got another one of these?"

"You call this dead? This joint's not even close to finished." Cloud hauled Sephiroth's hand down to inspect the remains of the... joint? Was that what it was called?

"It burned my fingers."

"You're such a wimp; give it here." Cloud took the joint from him and held it delicately. He brought it up to Sephiroth's lips. "Smoke."

Sephiroth did as he was ordered, despite it striking him as oddly hilarious that a cadet was giving him orders. He wasn't sure how Cloud managed to not burn his fingers; the lit part was right next to them. Finally, Cloud declared the joint officially dead and pulled another one out of his plastic bag.

"If you smoke my whole stash, you're buying my next bag."

"Okay." That seemed reasonable. He could probably afford a lot more than a cadet could anyways.

"So it's your destiny, huh?"

"What?" Sephiroth was attempting to light his new joint with the lighter Cloud had given him and it wasn't going well. Maybe if he used materia instead... He set down the lighter and tried to activate the Fire materia in his bracer before remembering that it was in his sword. "Shit... that's far away. Move your head, Cloudy. I need my sword."

"What'cha need it for?"

"Fire." Sephiroth indicated to the still unlit joint.

"Thaaat... doesn't sound safe. You're such a baby. Can't light your own joint or finish one either." Cloud took the joint from him and lit it, blowing the smoke up into Sephiroth's face. "How're you ever going to manage to destroy the world?"

Sephiroth laughed; Cloud did have a point. "You could help me out."

"But I like it here," Cloud whined. "Where else am I gonna live?"

"I think I'm supposed to be a god... maybe I can do something god-like and make us our own world."

"But Aerith wouldn't be there... or Zack. I'd miss them. And Aerith's weed. I think you'd miss Aerith's weed too." Cloud handed the freshly lit joint to Sephiroth. "Wouldn't you?"

"It is pretty fucking awesome." Sephiroth was feeling more relaxed than he had in months. Years, probably.

"'Sides, destroying the world and making a new one sounds like way too much work."

That was a good point. Destroying the world would probably mean moving...

"You're really pretty. Did you know that?" Cloud poked Sephiroth on the nose as he spoke.

"People tell me that a lot. Although... I don't think they say 'pretty'. You're pretty pretty too. Heh, pretty pretty. You look like a chocobo. Not that I think chocobos are pretty. Just you."

"General Sephiroth, sir." Cloud sat up and pointed an authoritative, if somewhat wobbly, finger at him. "You are stoned. High as a kite and fried beyond all reckoning." With that, Cloud promptly fell over in a fit of giggles.

"I think you might be too, Cadet Strife." Sephiroth reached over to pull Cloud back into his lap, but leaned to far and overbalanced, falling on top of Cloud. In response to being squashed under Sephiroth's weight, Cloud took another hit from his joint and pulled Sephiroth's face down to his. He pressed Sephiroth's lips against his own and blew the smoke into his mouth. Sephiroth hadn't been expecting it and had to turn away while he coughed, but then turned his head right back. "Do that again."

Cloud complied and slowly blew the smoke into Sephiroth's open mouth while he inhaled. As he closed his mouth, he managed to catch Cloud's lower lip between his teeth and spent a moment sucking on it before he had to stop and exhale. Cloud looked mildly shocked when Sephiroth turned back to him.

Sephiroth shrugged. "You turn me on. And I'm hungry."

"So you're going to eat my lip?"

"Nah, but do you have any food?" Sephiroth didn't give Cloud a chance to answer; he just leaned down and planted several sloppy kisses on Cloud's lips. When he pulled back, Cloud was still looking shocked.

"You kissed me."

"Apparently. Did you like it?"


"Can I do it again?"

"You kissed me."


"And you want to kiss me again."


"Just thought I'd check. You really kissed me?"

"Can I do it again or not? If I can't, I want food."

"You can."

"Good." Sephiroth crushed his lips against Cloud's and shoved his tongue rather roughly into his mouth. He knew it was sloppy, and that the pot or weed or whatever it was was affecting his skills, but it didn't seem to matter as Cloud moaned softly and began kissing back. Sephiroth didn't pull away until he smelled something, other than the weed, burning. Even then, it was reluctant. He turned his head to the side and saw one of the smaller pillows smouldering; Cloud had dropped his joint on it. "Shit... that's a pain," Sephiroth sighed.

Cloud turned to see what Sephiroth was looking at and panicked. "Fire! Fire! Fire!" He shoved Sephiroth off of him and ran over to the door, fumbling with the handle.

"Calm down, Strife." Sephiroth lazily sat up and cast a weak Ice spell; that one, at least, had been in his bracer. "It's all better now. Come back." Sephiroth glanced around for something to put his own joint out on - that wouldn't catch fire - and grabbed a plate that a potted plant was resting on off the windowsill. He took a few more drags of it and then snuffed it out. "Get back here, Cloudy. The fire's out; you can stop looking so freaked." Sephiroth patted his lap, but Cloud just eyed the chunk of ice that used to be the pillow warily.

Sephiroth sighed and grabbed the pillow. He shoved the window open and tossed the pillow outside, then slammed it shut again to keep the smoke inside. "Better? The fire is out. The offending parties have been evicted. The danger is gone, so please come back here." Sephiroth threw a few of the pillows back on the bed, and then flopped down, spread-eagled on it. He stared up at the ceiling, and the neat shapes he could see in the stucco, when he felt a weight on the bed next to him.

"What... what do you want from me?"

The panic about the fire seemed to have sobered Cloud up somewhat. Sephiroth supposed that was a good thing; what with the issues of consent and all. "I think you're cute, Cloud. And right now, fucking you seems a whole lot better than destroying the world." Cloud's eyes grew wide as saucers. The sexual harassment bitch at ShinRa would probably think that was an inappropriate thing to say, but he had barely paid attention to that lecture. "Wait... that didn't come out right. Umm... I think you're cute and... I'm kinda happy hanging out here with you. Eventual fucking would be nice, as you seemed to enjoy kissing... That's not coming out right either. Damn."

Cloud leaned over and kissed him again, softly this time. "You think I'm cute?"

"Like a chocobo. Only sexier." Sephiroth pulled Cloud down and rolled them over so Sephiroth was lying on top. He ran a hand through Cloud's hair. "A lot sexier."


"I'm hungry." Sephiroth lay sprawled on his back, panting slightly, with Cloud draped sideways over top of him.

"We should go find something to eat. I'm hungry too." Cloud pulled himself across Sephiroth, over to the edge of the bed, and somehow did a somersault off of it. He landed in a sitting position with a thump. "Ow."

"Ow," Sephiroth agreed.

"Where are my pants?"

Sephiroth glanced around. "Up here."

"Then why am I down here?"

"Because that's where you went."


Sephiroth rubbed at his temples; that noisy bitch was back, complaining about something. "Right... I have to destroy the world."

"I thought you weren't going to do that?"

"I wasn't, but I really should."

"Nah, what you really should do is have another toke." Cloud grabbed the half-smoked joint off the plate and lit it, holding it up above his head for Sephiroth to take.

He only hesitated a second. "This is the last one, then we have to eat." They passed the joint back and forth for a while, and Sephiroth was feeling nice and relaxed once more. Destroying the planet had once again retreated to the back of his mind.

"Do you think I can somersault backwards?" Cloud asked.


Cloud did something very strange then; he was trying to flip himself backwards, while he was still leaning against the side of the bed. Sephiroth watched curiously for a few moments before he figured it out. Cloud was trying to somersault back up onto the bed. That wasn't going to work at all. He held the joint between his lips so his hands were free, then reached down and grabbed Cloud's ankles. Cloud shrieked as Sephiroth heaved him up and over so he landed facedown on the bed with his ass pointing up at Sephiroth's face.

"What the hell are you doing?" Cloud yelled indignantly.

"Helping," Sephiroth explained. He gave Cloud's ass a sharp smack. "Aren't you happy? Now you're up here. And you're reunited with your pants. You never would have made it on your own."


"Nuh uh." Sephiroth took another quick drag and passed the joint back to Cloud. "Hurry up and finish that before I starve."

Cloud was more than happy to oblige and he quickly finished off the joint. He fumbled around for his pants and after a lot of falling, swearing, and hopping around with both legs in one pant leg, he managed to get them on. He stood up proudly and grabbed his shirt, eventually finding the neck hole. Sephiroth watched it all, giggling the entire time, until Cloud stared pointedly at him.

"You can't go out like that, you know."

Sephiroth looked down: buck-naked, that was no good. "Shit."

"Shit indeed. Now it's my turn to laugh."

Sephiroth picked up his pants with a feeling of trepidation. "Who looked at a cow and thought, 'Hey, let's skin it and turn it into super-tight pants that Sephiroth will have to cram his legs into when the only thing he feels capable of cramming is his dick into Cloud's ass'?

"I don't think anyone ever thought that."

"You'd be surprised at how much the world has conspired against me."

"Just hurry up and put them on. I want a giant bag of nacho chips and a pizza and ice cream and a slushy."

Sephiroth nearly drooled at the thought and hastily stuck his legs in those stupid leather pants. His feet got stuck halfway, and when he tried to stand to get them unstuck, he just fell over with a loud crash. Cloud looked rather purple from the lack of oxygen as he laughed, trying to help Sephiroth out. Eventually, Cloud managed to get his feet unstuck and helped pull them on the rest of the way. The jacket was a lot easier, but Sephiroth took one look at Masamune's harness and despaired.

"I should just carry it, shouldn't I? There might be monsters. I might have to protect you. It would be better to have it at the ready."

"You tell yourself that." Cloud jammed his feet into his boots and stood. "You know, your sword's really big. But you're not compensating for anything."

"Did you think I was?"

"Well, there are rumours, you know. You're either hung like a horse or, you know... not. I preferred to believe the former. Or is it the latter? Or maybe the ladder? Ugh, who knows; you've got a big dick, let's go." Cloud stumbled over to the door and inspected it carefully before slowly turning the knob. "You'll really protect me from monsters? That's so sweet!"

"Of course. I don't want the cutest chocobo I've ever met to get hurt."

"I'm not a chocobo!"

"Of course you're not. If you believe that hard enough, one day, a fairy will grant your wish. Now, onwards, to food!"


A/N: And that's chapter one. Yep. Definitely chapter one right there. *shuffles awkwardly* I make my own fun, okay! Anyways, hope you got a laugh out of it.