Title: Bake Sale
Chapter Title: The Kazoos of War
Author: XpaperplaneX
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.
Genre: crack, humour, slash, het
Warnings: drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, rimming, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense
Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.
Summary: While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

Can our intrepid adventurers make it back to Midgar in one piece? Will Zack arrive with his sanity intact? What does it feel like to have Flare cast on your eye? And what did our heroes eat last night? Answers to these questions and more are inside the long awaited sixth chapter of the amazing and astounding Bake Sale!

Disclaimer: Not all questions are answered.


There was a horrible sound that was getting closer and closer as Zack supervised the loading of the baggage into the chopper. He tried to brush it off as just the sea winds, or maybe a dying seagull, or maybe a dying seagull that had been blown by the sea winds into a tortured cat and the two were duking it out in their dying throes. Or maybe it was them. The grunts doing the loading paused in their work and turned to stare as their famed general, the hero of the Wutai war, came marching towards them with a trooper slung over his shoulder, a kazoo in his mouth, and several bags stuffed full of candy.

"Anyone not flying the chopper, you're dismissed. And you're never to speak of this," Zack ordered loudly. "NOW!" he shouted at a few people who were dragging their feet, waiting for Sephiroth to come closer. Zack cast a wary eye at the one person remaining; their pilot looked unimpressed at the sight.

Sephiroth frowned as he got closer and struggled to get the kazoo out of his mouth without dropping anything. "Why the hell isn't the chopper loaded, Fair?" he demanded.

The kazoo noises coming from Cloud suddenly stopped and blissful silence spread across the tarmac. Sephiroth tightened his grip on Cloud's thighs and glared at Zack and the pilot.

"We have a schedule to keep, SOLDIER. Where the hell are the troops?"

"I sent them away, sir," Zack answered. "You... you don't want rumours to start spreading, do you? Don't worry, I'll get the rest done. There's not much."

"Rumours about what?" Sephiroth asked icily.

Cloud started squirming in Sephiroth's grip, flailing and kicking his legs. He managed, with what appeared to be a great effort, to heave himself upwards so he could turn around. He waved his two slushy cups at Zack and kazooed frantically. At least it seemed like that was the effect he was going for.

The pilot caught on quicker than Zack—he blamed it on proximity-based stupidity—and took the slushy cups from Cloud.

Cloud reached up and removed the kazoo from his mouth. "Thank you, kind sir," he said with a smile. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around Sephiroth's head, petting and kissing him in a rather adorable way. "Zack just sent them away because he didn't want them to see me and try to steal me away from you," he murmured.

Sephiroth looked at Zack sharply. "Is that so? And this guy?" He shook his bags in the pilot's direction.

"Straight as an arrow," Cloud mumbled, fishing some of Sephiroth's hair out of his mouth.

"That's right, Seph," Zack said nervously. "Why don't you two go sit down, and I'll get everything sorted out and let you know when we're ready to go."

Cloud was brazenly rubbing his bare foot over the crotch of Sephiroth's pants. "I know you'd save me from being kidnapped," he was saying, "But Zack didn't want you to have to go to all that effort. That was pretty nice of him, huh?"

"Yeah... nice of him..."

"I think we can think of something to do while we wait. Maybe nice Mr. Pilot Man can take the bags too. And give us back our slushies." Cloud smiled brilliantly and held out his hands.

"It's Captain Harris," he said tersely, handing Cloud back the drinks and taking the bags from Sephiroth with a glare.

"Righty-o, Mr. Nice Captain Pilot Harris Man. Thanks bunches for taking those from me. We'll just go sit down while you guys get everything sorted out."

Zack watched them walk away before turning back to Captain Harris and shrugging apologetically. "I'm just trying to get him home in one piece. Cloud doesn't have a lot of weed left and the general's been feeling a bit homicidal without it. Can you just help me load the chopper?"


Zack ground his teeth and tried to ignore the scathing tone of the captain's voice. Of course they had to get some straight-laced jackass as their pilot. At least there wasn't a lot left to load; he could get it done quickly by himself. And hopefully Cloud would be able to keep Sephiroth out of trouble until then—with a minimal amount of public indecency.


"Sephiroth! Stop spinning."

Poor Zack. He needed to lighten up. Sephiroth gleefully continued to spin with his arms out, attempting to match the speed of the helicopter blades. It wasn't easy with the helicopter's movement throwing him off balance.

"Faster!" Cloud yelled from the floor where he had collapsed after his first attempt. Spinning wasn't good for Cloud.

"Would you people stop shouting into the comms? Turn them off if you're just going to babble nonsense." Their pilot seemed even crankier than the driver had been, and Sephiroth couldn't figure out why. He had been forbidden from taking Cloud's pants off again until they got to Midgar, after all. He had even listened... so far.

"Oh! I found them!" Cloud hauled a couple of packets out of a bag and shook them.

Sephiroth stumbled to a stop and stood, swaying slightly. "Pop Rocks?"

"Uh-huh." Cloud tore open a packet and held them up, but Sephiroth sat down next to him. Spinning and eating would require a little more coordination than he had at the moment.

"These things are amazing." Sephiroth dumped a handful into his mouth and grinned as they popped. "It's like... have you ever had Flare cast on you?"

"No... have you?"

"Well, sure. But it's probably best if you don't. You're small and not very resilient, so I won't cast it on you so you can know, but it feels a bit like that only smaller. And in your mouth."

"I'm not that small!"

"Cloud," Zack interrupted, "Please don't argue in favour of Sephiroth casting very powerful spells on you. It won't end well."

Sephiroth nodded his agreement. "Flare is kinda nasty. I don't think you'd take well to it. Maybe if I powered it down or something—"

"No! That's okay. I can guess. It's like Pop Rocks only bigger, right?"

"Right! Exactly like that! It's like jumping in a swimming pool full of Pop Rocks." Sephiroth popped another handful into his mouth just as the helicopter hit a patch of turbulence. That felt... odd. That felt really odd. And painful. "It's in my eye!"


"They're in my eye! I can feel them popping in my eye!"

Zack burst out laughing while Cloud tried to pat his head. Sephiroth frantically tried to do something, but there wasn't a lot he could do, so he settled for screaming about ninjas trapping his food—as usual.

"Stop screaming!" the irate Captain Harris yelled over the comm.

"I just had mini-fucking-Flare cast on my fucking eyeball! I will scream all I damn well please, and you're getting a demotion!" Sephiroth whipped around when he felt someone tapping his shoulder and snarled. "What?"

He blinked rapidly and looked through squinted eyes at Cloud, who was holding out a bottle with a weird attachment. "Eye wash station in the first aid kit."

Zack dragged him over to the seats where he sat with the weird bottle held to his eye and flushed it out again and again. It gave him time to muse on the situation. He came to the conclusion that Pop Rocks were evil and had most likely been created in Wutai and spread throughout the world in an elaborate plan to try to assassinate him. It was only thanks to Cloud's quick thinking that he had lived.

"Cloudy?" Sephiroth eventually raised his head and looked around for Cloud, wanting to thank him.

"Yeah?" Cloud was on the floor again, but he didn't look like he was having fun.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't feel so good." He was fumbling with a paper bag and suddenly heaved into it with an awful retching sound.

"Aww shit, kid." Zack went and crouched next to Cloud and pushed some hair out of his face. "I was hoping you'd be all right what with all the drugs in your system."

Cloud heaved again and then shook his head. "Nah, gave the rest to Sephiroth a while back. And sugar highs don't help with puking."

"Zack. Zack. Zack. ZackZackZackZackZack! What's wrong with him?" Sephiroth dropped his eye-washing thing and scrambled over to Cloud's side.

"Seph, shut up a minute. I've got to find the rest of the barf bags."

Sephiroth patted Cloud's back while he worried about what could be wrong with him. He remembered someone being sick on the way to Nibelheim; maybe that had been Cloud, too. He generally avoided sick people because they weren't very useful, and he never got sick himself, so he wasn't sure what the proper protocol here was.

"Shit, Seph! Stop hitting him!" Zack emerged from the rear of the chopper with a stack of paper bags.

Sephiroth stilled his hand. "I'm not hitting him. I'm patting his back to make him feel better."

"I guarantee it's not working." Zack pushed him backwards and helped Cloud sit up. He supposed Cloud did look a little, well... 'crumpled' seemed appropriate. Maybe he had patted a bit forcefully. Zack shook out an empty paper bag and held next to Cloud's face. "Go sit down and leave Cloud alone."

"I don't want to leave Cloud alone," Sephiroth pouted. "Make him feel better, that's an order. I don't want to have sex with someone who's throwing up." The heaving was rather disgusting sounding—not at all attractive.

"I can't just make him feel better. Order or not. Seriously, stop hitting him or I'm putting you to sleep." Zack shoved him away and knocked him off balance.

"You wouldn't dare..."

"Think that'd work on me?" Cloud asked hopefully.

"Put them both out and maybe I could actually concentrate on flying."

"Do you want to be demoted again?" Sephiroth asked. "Because I can make up a rank that's lower tha—mother fucker."


"Cloud, hey, Cloud, wake up now, bud. Travelling's over. We're home."

Something had died in his mouth. Cloud was certain of it. It had probably died last week from some sort of horrible disease.

"Toothbrush," he mumbled.

There was the sound of laughter—was that Aerith's voice? "I think we can find you a toothbrush, Mr. Saviour of the Planet. Maybe even some toothpaste."

"Shower too, please."

"That, you have to get your own butt into," Zack said. "Unless you'd like me to just hose you down."

"No." Sephiroth's voice startled him. "That would be wet, and wet would make the fire go out, and the fire going out would be bad."

Cloud smiled and opened his eyes to find himself staring straight up into Sephiroth's. "That would be bad. Who lit that joint for you?"

Sephiroth frowned. "Aerith," he admitted after some hesitation. "I could do it if you guys would just let me use my materia."

"I'm sure you could, but I like my hair attached to my head and not in a pile of ashes on the floor."

"Picky, picky."

"I wouldn't be a very cute chocobo if that happened."

"Good point, Cloudy. This is why I keep you." Sephiroth patted his head fondly while taking a long drag.

"I put a clean towel in the bathroom for you, Cloud. And there's a new toothbrush on the counter. It's pretty basic, but it'll do you guys for now."

"Thanks, Aerith." Cloud rolled over and pushed himself up. Looking around, he realized that he was in a side room of the church where Aerith grew her flowers and weed. There was a bare mattress on the floor, which was what he had been lying on.

"We'll get some proper furnishings in here," Zack said. "Blankets and pillows even. That'll totally make it not a sleazy flophouse."

"Sounds classy." Cloud noticed that Zack had a joint of his own in his hand. "Finally taking a break from babysitting duty?"

"Fuckin' right, I am. And it's about time."

Cloud grinned and grabbed his pack off the floor. He was pretty sure he still had some clean clothes in it. "I'll be back in a few, then. Sephiroth, behave."

"Yup." Sephiroth had flopped over backwards and was staring at his hand like he had never seen it before.


"No, he's cute like a chocobo, but I don't think chocobos are sexy," Sephiroth was saying as Cloud approached the room that Aerith had put them in.

"Yeah, right, that's probably the only reason you like him. He reminds you of the chocobos you'd rather be fucking." Cloud paused, frozen outside the door as he took in Zack's words. He heard the all too familiar sound of a fist hitting someone's face and found that he wasn't overly inclined to rush in and try to stop Sephiroth.

"Asshole," Sephiroth muttered, but there were no further sounds of violence.

"Yup. But c'mon, you're not going to want to keep him around forever, so let him go now before you fuck up his career entirely. You can retire and be done with Shin-Ra; you've got plenty of gil, but what's Cloud going to do when you decide you don't want him around anymore?"

"Who says I don't want him around anymore?"

"I'm just saying that you tend to get bored with your toys—"

"It's okay, Zack." Cloud stepped into the room and set his bundle of dirty clothes down in the corner. "When he gets bored I'll find somewhere else to go. Don't worry about it." It did seem inevitable that Sephiroth would grow tired of him. Now that Aerith was going to be supplying the weed, there wouldn't be much to keep Sephiroth interested.

"Cloud! You're back! Where'd you go?" Sephiroth waved him over.

Cloud went and sat next to Sephiroth, feeling rather nervous. He hadn't been this sober around the man since the start of the mission. "To take a shower, sir."

"Didn't I tell you to lighten up?"

"Then hand over that joint." Cloud held out his hand. It was far too intimidating being around Sephiroth without being high.

"It's mine!"

"You owe me a bag, sir. You promised you'd replace it."

"Oh right..." Sephiroth studied the joint he was holding for a few seconds before handing it over. "I suppose I should take a shower since you got all cleaned up. Then we can go to the store."

"Yeah, I went to a lot of trouble to get the stink off of me; you should do the same."

"I don't stink!"

"As someone who spent the last really long time in an enclosed space with you, you fucking stink."

"I hate you, Zack," Sephiroth muttered, but pushed Cloud aside and got up. Cloud lay back on a pile of wadded up clothes and took a deep drag.


"Sephiroth." Cloud blinked in the bright light and tried to count. The way everything seemed to be moving like it was in a wave pool wasn't making it easy. "Sephiroth. Sephiroth."


"What did we eat last night?"


"How many pizzas did we order?" He sat down and spread the boxes out on the floor so he could count more easily.

"Five. I think. Yes. Five."

"Hmm..." Cloud frowned and flipped open the tops of all the boxes. "Are you sure we ate pizza?"

"I distinctly remember eating pizza. The fuck are you on about?"

"It's just that there are five pizzas here and none of them are missing any slices. Also my penis has a moustache," he noted, after accidentally glancing between his legs.

"The fuck?" Cloud heard stumbling and a few moments later, Sephiroth appeared in the doorway, looking haggard. "Why does your penis have a moustache?"

"Probably for the same reason yours does. Do you remember something about disguises? I vaguely recall disguises."

"Oh that's right!" Sephiroth slapped his thigh, then stumbled over and grabbed a piece of pizza out of one of the boxes. He slumped down next to Cloud and chewed happily. Cloud shrugged and grabbed a slice for himself; surely it hadn't been sitting out for that long. "We had to disguise ourselves so they wouldn't recognize me at the porn stores."

"Oh." Cloud looked a bit closer at his dick. He hoped whatever they had used would come off eventually. "It does look very incognito. We probably fooled them. Look, it even has a little monocle. But back to the point, all the pizza is here and accounted for, so what the fuck did we eat last night?"

"Fucked if I know, but I'm sure it was delicious. Tell Aerith it was delicious and I didn't starve you. She gave me fucking rules to follow. I quit my job, bitch!"

Cloud patted Sephiroth's head to get him to stop yelling in what he assumed was Aerith's direction. "I'm sure it was delicious too."

"Damn straight. You know she said I couldn't use the dildo I bought just for you?"

"She did? What a bitch!"

"Said it was too big."

Cloud frowned; the dildo he remembered picking out hadn't been that big... but most everything from last night was a blur. "Do you know where it is?"

"She put it in a box..." Sephiroth scrambled up and disappeared out the door. A few minutes later, the sound of something being smashed open echoed through the church rafters. "Got it!" He reappeared holding... something in his hand.

"That is not the dildo I picked out," Cloud said immediately. He couldn't stop staring at it. "Is that even a dildo?"

"Sure it is. It's not the one you picked out, but I liked this one too."

"You're certain it's not... oh, I dunno, somebody's leg! It's fucking huge!"

"It's not that long." Sephiroth held it next to his leg as a comparison.

"It's as wide around as your thigh! And it's got spikes! I don't want spikes up my ass!"

"I'd use lube," Sephiroth offered, rather feebly in Cloud's opinion.

"There is no amount of lube in the world that would make me want something the size of your thigh and covered in spikes up my ass. Go put it back in the box." The sight of the thing was enough to give him nightmares.

Sephiroth pouted. "I broke the box. It was locked."

"Well, then, go put it far, far away until Aerith comes back, and then tell her to take it away from you again, and get a better box, and fill it with cement, and bury it, and never ever tell you where she put it."

"So that's a no?"

"That's a no."

"Are you sure? Because you were all for it yesterday."

"I was not! You're just saying that because you think I don't remember. And even if I was, that's why I have friends like Aerith, apparently. Put it away!"

"Fine." Sephiroth stormed off, and Cloud could hear him grumbling as he walked away.


"Cloud? Sephiroth?" Aerith called out their names as she stepped into the church. Surely they were up by now. "Cloud?"

"Shh!" a voice hissed from somewhere to her left.

Startled, she looked around and noticed some blond hair poking up from behind one of the pews. "Cloud? What are you doing back there?"

"Found you!" Sephiroth's voice rang out from above and Aerith glanced up.

"What the fuck!" She threw her arms over her head in an attempt at cover and dodged back into the doorway. Sephiroth, fully nude, had leapt down from the rafters with his sword in hand.

"Shit!" Cloud yelled out, then leapt over the pew he had been hiding behind. He took off running, but Sephiroth was gaining quickly.

Aerith panicked for a moment, thinking that Sephiroth was actually attacking Cloud, but he threw the sword aside seconds before jumping over three rows of pews and cutting off Cloud's escape. The giggles as Sephiroth tackled him were hard to interpret as anything but a consensual game. And then there was a rather loud moan. "Oh my..." she muttered, hurrying forwards. Zack had said... but she hadn't really believed that they would... "Oh my..."

Aerith blinked at the sight in front of her. A large, hot pink something—probably an anal plug, she guessed—was lying discarded next to the two. Cloud was bent over a pew, and Sephiroth... well, Sephiroth was claiming his prize.

"I can't believe you gave me away, Aerith," Cloud got the words out between grunts caused by the force of Sephiroth's thrusts. "I've got no chance once he finds me, you know."

"I—I'm sorry. I didn't know he was..."

"Hunting," Sephiroth said proudly.

"I think you should have something shoved up your ass too, just to even things out. It's not easy to run with that thing."

"You can't outrun me." Sephiroth pinned Cloud down by the neck and slapped his ass, leaving a bright red mark.

Aerith had teased Zack sorely for being unable to leave when he saw Sephiroth and Cloud having sex, but now she was feeling much the same way he had. She had never seen two men having sex before; they were—

"Hey, Aerith, are you in here? Are they still alive?"

Aerith jumped and glanced around hurriedly, looking for something else she could pretend to be doing. There were the flowers, of course, but who would sit and tend flowers while this was going on?

"Oh, hey, there you are." Zack noticed her and jogged over. "Didn't see you over there. What're—"

"Hi, Zack, um I was just... they... I..." Aerith fiddled nervously with her dress, but her eyes kept creeping back to the pair on the floor.

"Oh for fuck's sake, you have a mattress and a room!"

"Nuh-uh," Sephiroth said, slapping Cloud's ass several more times and making him moan prettily. "Rules are I fuck him where I catch him." He wrapped his arm around Cloud's torso and lifted him up. "Isn't he hot?"

Aerith was inclined to agree wholeheartedly, especially when Cloud licked his lips and grinned at her before beginning to stroke himself, but that seemed like a bad idea. She really wanted to touch him, though, just to see what another man felt like.

"Sephiroth..." Zack sounded annoyed, but Aerith snuck a quick peek at his crotch. There was a telltale bulge there.

"Your girlfriend thinks he's hot."

"That's because I am hot." Cloud spread his legs wide and lifted up his balls, giving Aerith a full view of everything.

"I—" Aerith blushed and covered her face. When Zack didn't say anything for a while, she chanced a peek through her fingers. Zack was staring at Cloud and rubbing his crotch.

Suddenly, Cloud was shuddering in Sephiroth's arms as he cried out. Cum splattered on the floor in front of him and dripped over his hand.

"Zack," she whispered, not daring to turn her eyes away from the sight in front of her, "I need you to come to the back room with me."


Some time later, Aerith furtively readjusted her dress and smoothed her hair, wincing slightly when her ass stung as she moved. Maybe begging a SOLDIER to slap her ass hadn't been the brightest idea. Zack sometimes forgot how strong he was in the middle of things. Sephiroth didn't seem to have that problem, she thought grumpily. Or maybe Cloud just had a higher pain tolerance than she did.

She stole out of the little room and went to gather up her gardening supplies, but paused when she noticed Sephiroth lying on one of the pews, apparently asleep. He cracked open an eye as she approached and stroked Cloud's head, which was nestled up against his chest.

"Shh," Sephiroth whispered, "He's tired."

Aerith nodded. "Do you want a blanket for him?"

"Yes, that would be good."

She crept quietly back to the little room and took a thin blanket out of the stack that Zack had brought with him, then brought it back and spread it out over them. Cloud's ass still looked a bit pink, she noted, but not near as red as hers was and Sephiroth had slapped him a lot more.

"If people come," she asked, "Will you take him to the back room?"

"Sure." Sephiroth was in a surprisingly agreeable mood. Aerith figured he had found the perfect middle point between being high and being sober; if only he could stay there. "You have to take that dildo away again. And apparently put it in a box filled with cement."

Aerith had trouble stifling her laughter, but managed to at least laugh silently. "I take it he said no?"

"Quite a few times."

"I knew he would, you can't let him agree to stuff like that when he's high. It's just taking advantage."

"Kay. Tell me if it's something like that again. Don't want to hurt him." Sephiroth closed his eyes again, and Aerith got up with a smile. The planet was much happier with this Sephiroth, and who could blame it?


A/N: Texts from last night was a huge source of inspiration to get me to write this again. Thank you to the poor dear who woke up to four full boxes of pizza in their kitchen and no clue what they had eaten the night before.

And please don't try casting Flare on your eye at home with Pop Rocks. It really hurts. Also don't eat Pop Rocks while driving.