Title: Sugar and Spice {and Everything Nice}

Summary: Hanna was shamelessly in love with the man who made him cappuccinos at the bookstore café where he worked. AU Hanna/{…}

Rating: M {for manloving}

Content: Obscene amounts of nosebleeding. Yeah, you know what that means: dirty stuff ahead FTW.

Author's Note: Because the request for Hanna/{…} AU smexing was too good to pass up. Plus awkward and sex-starved!Hanna is the best thing ever.


Hanna was in love

Although he had only kissed a girl—on the cheek in like, fifth grade, and it was only that one time—and had no other experience with relationships or major crushes, Hanna knew that he was most definitely, undeniably, irrevocably in love. And it was with the guy who made cappuccinos at the café in the bookstore where he worked. It had been a casual first meeting, where Hanna didn't know him and he didn't know Hanna, even though they were employed in the same building in the same dreary city in the same boring state. And really, it all started with a simple order that was answered with a smile and Hanna just immediately fell.

Worst thing? He didn't even know the guy's name.

Hanna found the predicament awful and torturous and he would go home almost every night with desperation, not even knowing what name to call out when he was in the throes of sexual fantasy and orgasm. Not knowing added to the fact that his own hand just wasn't cutting it anymore and everyday Hanna would find some excuse or another to go to the café, or shelve new books near the café, or really anything near the café, because that's where he worked.

God, why didn't the man wear a name tag like everyone else?

"Who do you keep creeping on over there?" came a voice from the bottom of his ladder, breaking his concentration, which was currently focused on his dark-haired mystery man who was busy serving a few women coffee with that unbelievably gorgeous smile that—"Hanna?" Hanna glanced down and saw his co-worker, Toni Ipres standing there. Her blue hair and lips contrasted with their red uniformed shirts, but not in a bad way, like Hanna's hair clashed with the company color. Speaking of that crimson shade, Hanna's cheeks definitely matched that color upon understanding her question, and he quickly looked over his shoulder at the café, desperately hoping that her voice hadn't carried. Nameless hot guy hadn't noticed, thank the gods.

"N-No one! I'm not, and, no, I mean, there just isn't anyone so, yeah," Hanna replied quickly, shoving a LSAT book onto the shelf.

"You're shitting me, right?" Toni said and put her hands on her hips as she glared up at him. "It's totally obvious that you're into someone."

"W-What? I'm not! No way," Hanna answered, his eyes glancing back over to the café, where his gold-eyed Adonis was then making several iced coffees for a group of high school girls. Hanna knew he was sick with love when he found that just watching that man use a blender was enough to make him aroused.

"You're a pathetic liar," Toni replied, and shook his ladder a little, making him scramble to hold on. "You're going to tell me on break, no exceptions." Her glare was hard and lingered for a moment before she dashed back to the children's department to rearrange toys and other models for the section. Hanna paused, thick guidebook in his hand, to look over at the café again, where his love was smiling at the girls in a way that made Hanna jealous. He shoved the volume a little roughly into the reference section, sending an evil glare towards the Aeropostale tweens as they skipped away, giggling while sending fervent, flirting glances back at Hanna's man.

Harlots, all of them.


Hanna's nameless crush got hotter by the day.

The redhead reached the point where he was so flustered in this man's presence that he couldn't even form sentences when he went and got coffee on his breaks. Nice Eyes would smile at him and ask in that voice—that just made Hanna want to touch himself—"The usual, Hanna?" {He'd apparently learned Hanna's name by reading his name tag pinned to the front of his shirt, but no matter how hard Hanna looked, he saw no form of identification on the other man, leaving the redhead to wonder if he should steal his wallet just to get a peek at the driver's license.} Every day, Hanna tried to prepare himself for this, but the moment his name was said by that god-like creature, his brain shut off and he could only nod and try to smile despite the fact that his stomach was doing so many flips that he thought he might throw up at any second. Which would not be cool or impressive or, damn, it was so unfair how hot he was in that apron.

And it was so hard to not get a boner thinking about how hot he would be wearing only the apron.


Hanna had to help close one night and actually ended up on register instead of stockroom like usual. He was in the process of counting bills to make sure everything balanced correctly—and was quite diligently doing so, too, for the record—when someone approached the counter. Stopping with the dollar amount in mind, Hanna glanced up and felt all the information he'd ever taken in in his life disappear. It was Nice Eyes in the café's orange collared shirt and black tie—which only he could make look good, because orange was a hard color, kind of like red, which was the shade Hanna felt creeping into his cheeks, ears, and the back of his neck like crazy—only minus the apron. Instead, he was wearing a leather jacket that would definitely be playing into Hanna's fantasies that night.

"Hey," he said, and Hanna felt his legs shaking behind the counter. Hanna hoped that he couldn't hear his knees knocking against the lock box.

"Hey," Hanna replied, and actually sounded natural. His voice raised an octave higher, however, when he tried to add a casual: "What's up?"

"Nothing, just heading out," he answered, and placed a cup on the counter between them. It smelled like Hanna's usual order, with the hazelnut cream just how he liked it. "I made an extra one on accident and saw you closing, so I figured you could use it." Hanna mentally kicked himself, trying to make his lips—numb with shock—move to say thank you or something that resembled an acknowledgment. After a moment where Hanna couldn't say anything and Nice Eyes had stood there looking fucking delectable, he just smiled at Hanna and said: "Yeah, so, have a good weekend." And with that, he turned around to head for the exit, leaving Hanna to stare after his nice ass in those awesome jeans with so many things in his head, but without the ability to produce speech. He also forgot where he'd left off counting, which meant he had to do it again.

It's hard to count with a throbbing erection, just so everyone was clear on that.


Hanna was on a mission to spy on Sexy McTightpants.

It was simple, really, because Hanna usually ended up in the general area of the café—no longer in manga and graphic novels because he got too distracted, so usually in the literature and reference section—which gave him a lot of opportunity to creep around. Basically his plan was to at least get the man's name. He used the old strategy that many people use when they don't know and don't want to ask that awkward question: they listen. Through reconnaissance, Hanna learned that his apron-clad love worked with three other people during the day: a blond girl named Tiffany or Brittany or something ordinary like that—she was pretty and tall and definitely competition for Hanna, so he did not like her one bit—as well as another girl named Vicky—who Hanna caught making out with her girlfriend Tamara in Young Adult Fiction two weeks ago—and then there was a punk kid named Veser, who was always late and never acted polite to anyone. One day, when Hanna went to get some coffee, Veser was the one who served him, and the redhead's order was definitely not the same as when Nice Eyes made it.

It was missing something, mainly its deliciousness, which only could be achieved by Sexy McTightpants' hands. Hanna had to wait until he got home to ponder what other things those hands could achieve…

Anyway, the point was that Hanna was busy trying to sort Chinese texts into alphabetical order to shelve properly while listening to conversations over the wall in an attempt to learn his crush's name. Eventually he gave up on Chang and Tzu and everyone else in between in order to peek over the free standing shelves—having to stand on the very bottom row to boost his unremarkable height slightly—in order to blatantly watch his dark-haired interest with open want. At that moment, he happened to be sweeping the floor and cleaning up the tables while Veser made some sort of monstrosity of a drink for a young teenage boy with dreadlocks. Hanna thought he was being sneaky—and getting a good mental image to save for later of those great legs and amazing ass—but after several moments of unashamedly staring, Hottie McLonglegs turned around to clear off the nearest table and saw him. Hanna snapped to attention and hoped he hadn't been drooling on the Chinese dictionaries.

"Hey," he said in greeting.

"Hey," Hanna replied, because apparently that was all he could ever say to this gorgeous man.

"How was your weekend?" he asked and Hanna actually recovered quickly enough to reply.

"Not long enough," was the answer, although Hanna really had whiled away the hours hoping to go back to work in order to see those eyes again. But apparently it was the right thing to say, because McSteamy laughed: a low, rich chuckle that made Hanna grip the shelf to keep from falling over. Smiles and eyes and aprons were all awesome, but had nothing on that laugh. It kind of made Hanna want to faint a little.

"I feel that," he answered, tossing the trash away that had been on the table. He stacked the trays on top of one another before he picked up his broom to begin sweeping up again. Hanna pretended to be really interested in the menu hanging from the ceiling to cover up the fact that his eyes were really focused on those hands, which the redhead thought about constantly touching him in all the right places.

"Er…did you work?" Hanna asked, trying to maintain the conversation so that he didn't seem like he was completely incompetent. Having a giant shelf between him and the man he adored helped things, because he could hide behind the protruding sign that said Foreign Language Reference whenever he felt like blushing. Or springing a boner, there was that too.

"Yeah. I pretty much wasted my Saturday and Sunday here," he answered with a shrug, "but it's money so I can't argue with that." Hanna just made a noise of agreement, but could not say anything else without sounding stupid, so he didn't. Light brown eyes glanced over at him in a way that made Hanna sink down a little further, embarrassed by the attention. "Didn't see you around here, though. Did you get the weekend off?"

"Yup," Hanna answered quickly, and hated how high his voice sounded. He kind of wished that he never would have started the conversation in the first place, because he was more awkward than most awkward thing since awkward came to awkwardtown.

"Do anything fun?" he asked, not seemingly bothered by Hanna's obvious inability to form words and sentences in the same pitch.

"Not really," Hanna replied and felt his ears turn hot when O'smexy smiled at him. He crouched behind the sign, so embarrassed by his bad mannerisms, but Nice Eyes laughed again and said:

"You're cute."

Hanna promptly fell backwards off the shelf in delight.


Hanna had finally come to the concrete conclusion that Nice Eyes was just all around nice to look at, because there was absolutely nothing about him that Hanna did not find attractive.

Hanna was thinking this as he sat in the café one day—in the furthest table from the counter so he couldn't embarrass himself again—while drinking his coffee and reading Blade of the Immortal as a cover. Several feet away, his dark-haired and still-nameless crush was wiping down tables in area that was devoid of customers. Behind the counter, Veser was listening to his iPhone and texting rapidly, ignoring them on his break. Hanna, meanwhile, was trying to act natural and not skiddish like usual, because after he'd fallen off the Chinese reference section, his manager had banished him to Romance, which was just cruel irony.

Sexy McSexerson was pretty close and looked like he was about to engage Hanna in some conversation when a very familiar voice called to him:

"There you are," said Toni, and Hanna could hear her heels clicking on the linoleum floor. Nice Eyes swept quickly by and Hanna felt his heart sink slightly as he left, replaced by Toni and her meaningful stare.

"Hey, what's up?" Hanna asked, watching as his love interest finished cleaning up and returned behind the counter. Come to think of it, the place wasn't that dirty to begin with. Had he come out sweeping just to maybe talk to Hanna...? His hopes lifted, but he was brought back to reality when Toni snapped her fingers in front of his face. "What?"

"You're completely zoning out," she said.

"Sorry," Hanna replied.

"And you haven't told me what's got you so distracted," Toni added, looking a little sly. "Or should I say who's got you so distracted." Her tone was conspiratorial, but her voice was too loud. Hanna tried to hide behind his comic because his face had turned red and he was sure that the topic of their conversation had just glanced their way.

"I-I-I told you that it's nothing, no one, really, at all," Hanna replied quickly.

"Why won't you tell me?" Toni whined, and then her eyes got a little wider as she glanced around them. There were very few employees in the area so when her gaze landed on the two men behind the counter, her mouth made the shape of an o. Quickly, she stood up and grabbed Hanna by the wrist, pulling him out of the cafe with such haste that he left his comic behind. When they were in Multimedia, Toni backed Hanna into a corner. "It's one of them, isn't it?"

"N-No—" Hanna stuttered, clutching at his coffee.

"Yes, yes, yes it is!" she replied, and pointed her blue nail at him. "You've got a crush and I really hope it's on the tall one, because if you're not in love with him, I'm asking him out." Hanna felt the blood drain from his face. Hanna versus Toni would be awful, because she was way more put together and smart and talented and nicer to look at than the redhead. Oh, then there was the whole her-being-a-girl-thing, which was what guys usually wanted. The dejected sort of look that bled into his expression must have tipped her off, because Toni declared an official: "Aha! It is him! Tell me everything."

"There's nothing to tell," Hanna answered, and the heat returned to his cheeks.

"How long?" Toni asked.

"Two months."

"Have you talked to him?"

"A little..."

"Do you think he likes you?"

"I don't know..."

"Did he make you that coffee?"


"Did he give you the 20% discount?"

The way Toni asked that question made it seem like it was relevant somehow. Hanna looked down at the cup and then thought about it for a moment.

"You mean they aren't free?" Hanna asked.

"Free?" Toni asked, and her eyebrows practically extended into her cerulean hairline.

"Yeah," Hanna answered, rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, he told me that employees drink free so I thought…"

Toni looked like she might explode with excitement.

"Omigod," she breathed quietly instead. There had been too many instances where her loud voice had gotten the manager on her to be seen and not heard.

"What?" Hanna asked.

"He told you that coffee's free when it's not so that you would come back everyday to get some," Toni answered, and her eyes got a little shinier when she added: "How long has it been going on?"

"Um…about a month and a half…" Hanna said, leaning against the wall with his face burning in embarrassment.

"He's totally into you!" Toni said in a whisper, jumping up and down a bit in her excitement. "He's been, like, courting you for that long and you haven't even noticed." Hanna's legs felt weak, because it all seemed too good to be true.

"What…what should I do?" Hanna asked, unable to comprehend this fact. Why would that man be interested in Hanna of all people? He was short, wore glasses, had frizzy red hair and could not even keep a conversation going without freaking out. Maybe it was all coincidence…

"You need to ask him out," Toni replied.

Hanna paled considerably.


"Ask him out! You know, go up to him and—"

"But, Toni…"

"No way you're getting out of this one!" Toni said, and jabbed him in the chest with her aquamarine-colored nail. "All you have to do is be casual about it and, I don't, ask him if he wants to hang out sometime. Go have coffee or something!"

"But Toni…" Hanna said again, and found himself picking nervously at the cardboard band around his coffee cup. "I don't…I don't even know his name…" Her expression turned skeptical.

"You mean in two months, you haven't even learned that much?" she asked.

"No…" Hanna answered, and dropped his eyes to stare at their feet. Toni just patted at his arm. When Hanna looked up again, he saw a very determined look on her face.

"I'll have it by the end of the day. Then, you'll ask him out," Toni said.

She was gone before Hanna could say another word.


Lawl. That was awesome to write. Okay, but now here's the question, what can {…}'s name be? Tell me what you'd like to see? Because the fandom has brainwashed me, I really love Jayne (because everyone knows that Jayne Is Not A Boy's Name) but I'm up for anything, really…