I stood at the table, barely listening to any of my friends as I stared at the Cullens. Jasper had one arm around Alice, holding her tightly to his chest as she sat on his lap. Rosalie seemed to be talking to Edward, while Emmett was eating something and Edward dropped a piece of food with a look of disgust. I sighed and turned back to the table.

"La Push, baby! You in?" Eric asked me in a very eager voice.

"Am I supposed to know what that means?" I asked, picking up a piece of cucumber from my tray and nibbling on it.

"La Push beach down at the Quileute Rez tomorrow." Mike answered. Eric stood up, pretending to surf.

"And I don't just surf the Internet!" I turned around and saw Mike mimicking Eric. Tyler grabbed his arm and shoved him back down.

"You stood up once on a foam board." Jessica responded.

"But there's whale watching too. Come with us," Angela asked, the look in her eyes pleading and begging. Of course she'd want me to do something, she was like a motherly figure to me and she noticed that my eyes were red, bloodshot, and puffy. I rubbed them absentmindedly, still nibbling on my cucumber slice.

"La Push, baby. It's La Push." Eric did an odd gesture with his hands, and I took a bigger bite out of the piece of cucumber.

"Okay, I'll go if you stop saying that." I smiled, but it was a small smile, and a fake one. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy.

"Seriously, dude, it's creepy." Mike told Eric as I sat down, turning around to look at the Cullens again. They seemed to be doing the same thing, only Rosalie was now holding up an apple, as if she was going to hit Edward with it. Out of the corner of my eye, I swore I saw Jasper's head turn to look at me, so I looked.

He was staring at me, a confused expression on his face, but he turned his head back when I noticed.

I rubbed my eyes again, yawning. I was tired because I didn't sleep. I cried, the tears pouring out of me like a waterfall. I was lovesick for him. I wrote his name in my notebooks, everywhere I could. Under my sleeves, his name was written with hearts around it.

And I stared at Alice with envy.

Was it wrong to say that I wished to be Alice? To be in Jasper's lap, an arm securely wrapped around me? To be loved by the person I loved? What did it feel like?

I felt no love, nor happiness. I felt jealousy and sadness.

I stood up abruptly, knocking my tray to the floor. It settled noisily as everyone turned to look at me. But I rushed out of the cafeteria, bumping past other people as they glared at me. I pushed open the doors as the rain began to pelt me. I didn't care as I rushed to my truck, climbing inside.

I took a deep breath, my head spinning. Was I really going to do this, just because I couldn't have Jasper? Just thinking of his name sent fresh tears flowing down my cheeks. Slowly, I pulled the next step to death from my bag.

A gun that was Charlie's, but he left before I did, so I was able to get it. I placed it to my head, the cool feel of it against my skull calming me. Then I looked up, and saw Edward. I glared at him.

He was the one who had saved me from Tyler's van. But I didn't WANT to be saved, and if I did, I wished it had been Jasper. I was about to pull the trigger when I looked up again.


I gasped and my hand slipped.

A loud bang filled the silence of my truck, and it was the last thing I heard before succumbing to the darkness.