I do not own the game, it belongs to Bioware
May contain slight OOC and some crazy plots
Yuven Surana is a mage from the Tower of Magi, is the youngest of the group and is also the leader of this band of misfits. See what mischief they get too on their free time when not dealing with dark spawn all the time…contains multiple pairings
My Way or The Highway!
Chapter 3 When All Else Fails Blame The Dog
Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir was on his way to a festival held in his honour at a city, located to the south of Denerim.
He was sitting in his carriage relaxed and totally at piece, waiting to arrive at this city.
He was insisted to attend to show that he is now the ruler of Ferelden; the warrior felt he should have a different change of pace and this could be exactly what he needed.
But still, something was bothering him…
"Sergeant," Loghain called, the Sergeant approached, fixing his helmet, he seemed to be very nervous because every time he walked his hands would shake with the blade.
"Yes my lord?"
"About the city that this Event is taking place, what is the name of this city?"
The sergeant took awhile to reply and when he did reply he stuttered. "Spartalan Sir!" it took the Teyrn awhile to process the information.
"Stop the carriage!" Loghain yelled making everyone and every animal that they had brought along stop in its tracks. The man narrowed his black eyes at the Sergeant, his long black hair touching his silver armour as he stared.
"Now, would you care to repeat yourself again Sergeant?"
The Sergeant shock and trembled as he saw his superior stepping out of the carriage. "Higgins sir," the shaky sergeant replied
Loghain folded his arms, showing a pose of pure royalty while the Grey Wardens thought that he was just a really stuck up prick.
"Higgins? Well Sergeant Higgins would you like to repeat that answer?"
"Higgins sir?" Loghain placed a hand onto his temple to soothe it, his head felt sore like a migraine was about to come on.
"Not that you blundering fool! To where we're going!" the Teyrn snapped; his temper about to be unleashed upon the poor man.
"Oh, of course sir, S-Spartalan sir, we're going to Spartalan!"
Loghain stared at the Sergeant for awhile, not believing the man for a moment. "Are you serious? Spartalan is a city that I honestly do not want to go to, especially to one of their festivals!"
"But sir you already accepted the invitation, you can not just not attend! It would wreck your image not only that the relations between Denerim and Spartalan!"
Image or not, Loghain did not want to suffer the torments of heading to a place like Spartalan, in that city all men, whether they were raised or visiting had to abide to a very strict dress code which in all honesty shouldn't even be called a dress code at all.
Wearing loincloths is surely not a dress code!
"I don't care, I am not doing it!" Loghain took a moment to think over what to do in a situation like this but since he was already on his way he should really consider what the best thing to do was.
"Sergeant Higgins! You go in my place disguised as me!"
Sergeant Higgins stared at his superior before he decided to point out one crucial fact. "But sir, Teyrna Elissa Cousland is attending, they will surely know the difference if she points it out."
Of course, he found himself growling mentally in his mind.
Teyrna Elissa Cousland was the only remaining daughter of the Couslands and one of the two surviving siblings.
Not only that but she was one of the Grey Wardens that had found the traitor and annihilated them with her blade. She was well known and if anyone tried to talk against her she is known to triumph with her reputation unscathed.
"Damn that Cousland woman! Always trying to make things difficult for me!" it was especially difficult because of her influence. Her being one of many Grey Wardens was not only challenging but a problem as well.
He knew once he got there, that Teyrna Cousland would surely give him a hard time and would take pleasure in his suffering.
Loghain had to come up with a plan and fast…
"I told you we should've just put the loincloths on." said an elf hiding behind the silhouette.
There were three to four shadows, three of them looked like men while one was a woman.
"A Templar does not wear a loincloth." The human sized shadow snapped, having to remove his armour.
"Well fighting against those knights surely helped things didn't it?" the female shadow mumbled, making sure her sarcasm could be heard in her words.
"Ah, do I detect a hint of sarcasm?" the second elf shadow mused
"It wasn't exactly my fault you know?" the male mortal defended as he lowered himself down.
"But it was your fault!" the first elf snapped. "You lost the treaties, the wagon was headed to Denerim and who exactly followed the trail mindlessly to Spartalan!"
"One," the human shadow began, forming into his normal height once more. "I didn't track the treaties. It was Han Solo, and two it was his fault!" the male human shadow pointed an accusing finger to the second elf "If he hadn't sold them we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with"
"Well who was the one that wanted to get rid of the potion bottle of doom? Surely not I" the second elf defended.
"Look will you all just be silent." The woman snapped, showing that she was getting fed up with their childish bickering. "Do I need to remind you all that we're keeping the prison guard waiting."
Once remembering that they had an audience, the three male shadows sighed as they all left the protection of the silhouette, each of them cursing in Andraste's name while the woman sighed at the mere idea of even being associated with these morons in the first place.
What the silhouette revealed was Yuven Surana, Alistair, Zevran Arainai and Morrigan. The men wore loincloths that showed their legs and left their chests bare, Morrigan's outfit just allowed her to wear her bra and a longish type skirt.
"Good," the guard, seemingly to like their new attire (much to Alistair's annoyance) and lead them to an enclosed area with bars that only showed a bit of light from the huge coliseum that they were in.
They could hear the roars of the crowds as two warriors did battle in the coliseum.
Both of them were very muscular, both equipped with swords and shields. "For Spartalan!" they both cried as they charged towards each other.
"Oh great," Yuven mumbled as he was slightly sickened by the display. "Can someone seriously tell me what is with these guys and their fascinations with Loincloths?" the red haired elf asked.
"I think I might know." Morrigan said, who is actually being more useful than usual into enlighten her comrades into the right path for a change. "In the land of Spartalan they say that the men here are only allowed to wear Loincloths because it would show that they are suitable bachelors, not only that it shows their strength."
Yuven frowned, not seemingly believing in what he is hearing. "Seriously?"
Morrigan nodded. "And also, if you are a man and if you have a relationship with another man it is said that they think highly in those kinds of relationships."
"You're kidding right?" Yuven asked as his jaw hung in horror.
The guard looked at them with leering eyes as he locked them in.
"You better be prepared infidels." The guard snarled as a huge smirk came onto his lips. "Because one of you will be next to entertain the great Teyrn Loghain"
"Charming," Alistair groaned, not one bit scared of the guard's threatening voice.
Until something registered into their leader's mind once the Guard made his leave. "Did he just say that Loghain was going to attend?" silence filled up the cell as the roars of bloodlust from the crowd could be heard in the coliseum.
"Nice of you to finally arrive my dear Teyrn Loghain?" greeted a young woman in her twenties, her long blond hair formed into a nice plat as she wore a golden coloured bra with a long white skirt that showed a bit of her legs at the side.
However the Teyrn could see that the young woman was well equipped with a dagger on her leg.
"And a hello to you too my dear young Teyrna Cousland." Loghain heaved, he was making sure that the young Elissa Cousland could hear how much he disliked her.
But the young Cousland did not mind as she sat in her chair and smiled, she loved to make his life a torture.
"I see that your brother is not with you today."
Elissa smiled lightly as she giggled. "Well Fergus said he would love to attend but he remembered he had somewhere to be. Once I mentioned where I was heading of course"
The Warden was alone; this he raised his eyebrow to, his mind thinking that if she was alone then all will go smoothly. "So you are here by yourself Teyrna Cousland?"
At that moment in time there were sounds of yelling coming from one of the stands. "Loghain you swine, don't you touch my darling of a gem Elissa!" the voice had a deep Dalvish accent and defiantly sounded male.
"Oh no, I'm here with my escort, you remember the Grey Warden who was titled the Black Hawk don't you?"
Shit, the Teyrn thought, how could he not know, the Black Hawk was a mighty Dalvish Elf who was just around the same age as Elissa if not a bit older. His skin was dark like leather and his hair was long and was pitched black like the night skies.
The one and only to hold such a title was Theron Mahariel.
"I'm afraid he's a bit protective of me," Elissa giggled as Loghain took his seat beside her. "I mean when we were at Lothering he completely lost it when I was captured by some bandits. He's really just looking out for me." the young girl laughed. "Even though he took what dignity those men had left he is really a nice man"
"Elissa if that guy gives you any trouble I'll gladly cut off his manhood and shove it down his throat!"
Loghain's face turned purple as he looked towards Sergeant Higgins who could only look back at him with the same expression, if not a bit paler.
"Okay, remember the plan?" Yuven said as they all formed a circle. "We'll let Alistair go first."
Alistair's eyes went wide open. "Why me? Loghain will surely know my face, why don't you go!" he snapped at his fellow Warden who just narrowed his gaze at the Ex-Templar.
"He knows my face too you know." Yuven pointed out.
"Then what about Zevran!" Alistair snapped pointing a finger towards the Antivan Assassin.
Zevran put his hands up like he was defending himself from attack and replied. "I'm afraid that the Teyrn will know my face because I met him personally." Alistair looked at Zevran with accusing eyes and gritting his teeth as he scowled.
"Besides he probably doesn't remember you Alistair and it is your job to get us out of this mess." Yuven highlighted, still holding Alistair responsible for what was currently happening.
Morrigan was surely enjoying this plan; it could be seen in the twinkles of light that shone in her eyes as her lips curled into an innocent smile. "Well Alistair this should be fun."
She's only agreeing to this so that she can watch me suffer, Alistair concluded knowing the witch's evil ways.
Their little powwow session was interrupted when the guard returned with a spare sword in hand.
"Right it's time Infidels!" the guard snapped, opening the door and letting him self in. "One of you is next into entertaining the masses."
Yuven smirked, patting his friend Alistair on the back as a good jester. "Well good luck Alistair, hope you win." the red head's smirk slowly disappeared when the sword was forced into his hands; he jumped, looking at the prison guard with wide eyes. "Um, what are you doing?"
The guard placed his hands onto his hips and stared at the young elf with a twisted smirk on his features. "Giving the next challenger his gear"
All colour on Yuven's face faded. "Me?"
The guard nodded, "Yes."
Yuven looked at the loincloth he was wearing, "In this?"
That guard nodded again "Yes."
"With no armour or anything?" It was only when the guard stepped aside to let a couple of other soldiers carrying a body in a stretcher walk by did it seem apparent what the answer would be.
"What do you think?"
Yuven began to panic; his heart was beginning to thump so hard it would surely explode. "This is madness!" Yuven snapped.
The soldier looked at him with wide eyes as he replied. "Madness?" he took in a deep breath and bellowed, thumping his hand onto his muscular chest as he made a very fruity pose.
"This is Spartalan!"
With his words echoing the guard grabbed Yuven by the arm and tugged him out of the cell.
"Good luck Yuven." Alistair called.
"It was nice to serve under you my dear Grey Warden." Zevran sniffled like this was Yuven's send off.
Morrigan on the other hand was not as thrilled to see Yuven go as she rushed to the bars of the cell and screamed. "It's not fair!"
Alistair and Zevran both scurried to a corner and covered their ears as the walls around them trembled. "Why can't it be Alistair! Why do you mock me Maker! Why!" she howled.
"How are you enjoying the festivities my dear Teyrn Loghain and my dear Teyrna Cousland," greeted the ruler of Spartalan. Lonidas towered above the two with a long red clock. He was surely big in more ways than one. He was tall, had huge biceps and muscles.
"I'm really enjoying myself Arl Lonidas." Teyrna Cousland replied taking a sip of very fine wine while she flicked pieces of her blond hair away from her line of sight to see the spectacle better.
"And you my dear Teyrn?" Lonidas asked edging himself closer to Loghain, his cheeks bright red as his eyes looked at him with anticipation, admiration and lust.
Elissa giggled when she saw the look of horror in Loghain's eyes.
"Um, y-yes this is certainly a unique festival you have here Arl Lonidas." The Arl's face lit up as he sat himself down, shooing his servant away to get some beverages as he took the warrior's hands into his own and chuckled.
Making the Teyrn feeling really uncomfortable, Loghain wanted to get his sword and chomp them off right there and then.
But then again he remembered the importance of keeping relations between Denerim and Spartalan and forced himself to endure.
"My beloved Teyrn," Lonidas said in awe as one of his servants came to him, a bottle with no label was presented to them as he took the bottle and showed it to Loghain himself.
"One of my men intercepted this wagon on its way to your city and when they halted him they saw this bottle. He said that an Antivan elf gave it to him saying it is a rare rum and I thought that I would enjoy such nectar with you my beloved Teyrn."
Loghain narrowed his eyes; the bottle looked very suspicious, he wondered if it could be a sleeping potion or something that'll make him receptive to the Arl's attempts to butter up to him.
"How thoughtful," he said, sarcasm could be heard in his voice. Apparently the Arl did not seem to hear the hint and continued to bring the bottle closer to Loghain's glass until he raised his hand to stop the Arl from filling his glass. "But I'm afraid I do not drink."
Elissa looked at him with disbelieving eyes. "Yes you do, you drank a gallon of wine back in Redcliffe." She noted which earned her a well deserved frown from Loghain; his eyes just screamed, Stay out of this woman!
However it seemed that fate saved him from questioning as the sound of trumpets deafened his ears and the roars of the crowd echoed in the coliseum. Loghain sighed in relief when he saw that the battle was coming underway.
Meanwhile back down on the actual battlefield…
Yuven Surana found himself pushed into the arena. His eyes widened at the sight of millions of people at the stands roaring and screaming for blood.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Yuven mumbled, completely shocked at the millions of people. All of them wearing loincloths and bras with skirts raping his eyes and driving him to the edge.
"What is wrong with these people!" he screamed.
"Come on Yuven!" he turned his head round to the bars that showed many of the prisoners, especially Alistair, Zevran and Morrigan.
"If you lose make sure to scream like a woman so they can take pity on you!" Zevran yelled.
"Forget that, play dead!" Alistair roared
"You bastards!" Yuven screamed, couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Do you doubt my capabilities! Such disrespect will not be tolerated."
"Ladies and Beautiful Gentlemen!" Yuven looked up to see Arl Lonidas rising to his feet "I am proud to present this battle in the honour of Teyrn Loghain and Teyrna Cousland!"
Yuven narrowed his eyes up at the Arl. People could tell that he was not amused nor is he impressed. "Great," he mumbled. "Another loincloth weirdo with a red cape and this one looks even fruitier than the others."
"Who will win this epic match?" the Arl roared. "The Hero of the city, the gorgeous and beautiful Mario!"
Yuven saw his opponent and placed a hand onto his head to hold back a headache. His opponent was ridiculous looking and he wasn't talking about the loincloth. He was muscular like the Arl but he had an afro and a creepy looking moustache.
All in all he looked like something from a freak show.
"Or this skinny pipsqueak of an elf," Yuven growled raising his hand to the air in outrage as he snapped.
"You pompous fruitcake!" he shrieked. "Whose a skinny pipsqueak? That's a racist insult you bastard!" Yuven would gladly cast a spell on that bastard if it wasn't for the fact that he was surrounded by innocent masses. He was oh so tempted to cast Tempest.
"You tell him Pipsqueak!" Alistair hollered.
"Show them what you're made of Squeaky!" Zevran called out at the top of his lungs.
"Shut up!" Yuven squealed, his temper greatly rising to burning point.
"Oh? This is really unfair why I need to fight this little pipsqueak." His opponent, Mario moaned which only added to Yuven's rising temper. "I mean, I could be fighting someone who would actually put up a fight."
Yuven gripped his sword and snapped. "I am not a pipsqueak you talking piece of crap! If you're the hero of this city then I think half of this place is made up of brain dead hicks and a bunch of weaklings that couldn't beat their grandmothers in a drunken bar fight!"
For some unknown reason Mario started to sniffle. "You just told my entire life story!"
You have got to be kidding me, Yuven snarled in his mind. The fight hasn't even started yet and Yuven was already able to make his opponent sniffle pathetically.
This was defiantly his definition of hell.
"You may now begin the match!" the fruity ruler yelled as the trumpets roared their victorious tune.
Yuven gave out a big sigh. "This is madness," he moaned.
"Madness?" Mario asked, raising his sword for battle as he charged at an amazing speed. "This is Spartalan!"
The match only seemingly lasted for five seconds before Mario was flung out of the coliseum into an empty wagon located outside. There was silence in the arena for about three seconds until the whole arena went up in an uproar with cheering.
"Go Pipsqueak!" they cheered.
Honestly? Yuven thought placing the tip of the blade onto his shoulder.
"Inconceivable." The Arl gasped. Loghain was shocked but the Teyrna on the other hand was on her feet and clapping for the young elf's victory.
"Amazing!" Elissa complimented. "And such a good looking elf? He's not a mere pipsqueak my dear Arl" she noted, setting herself back down on to her chair and took another sip of her wine.
"Good looking? He has no muscles! No beauty! No elegance!" the Arl raged, opening the rare bottle and poring its contents into his own glass. "How could that be good looking?"
"Looks aren't everything," Elissa pointed out, her green eyes narrowed, knowing from experience the strengths that lay within each individual. "Sometimes it is the experience of the warrior and not the looks of an individual, you still have to learn that my Dear Arl Lonidas."
The Arl frowned at the Teyrna as he rose to his feet. "Assemble the royal guard!"
Yuven groaned as he saw more men surrounding him. His eyebrows twitched in annoyance.
"I can't take this anymore"
"You can do it Sir Squeaky!" Zevran yelled from the sidelines.
"Just play dead!" Alistair suggested again.
The Arl smirked sitting himself down and took a gulp of the rum, drinking it all in one gulp.
Yuven snarled his eyes started to spark electricity. "You disrespectful…"
Once finishing his glass the Arl started to cough. His face turning to blue and then went purple as he started to cough and gag, his skin started to swell and reveal spots and zits.
Yuven just didn't care anymore. He was going to bring this place to the ground. The entire arena began to shine in purple light as the crowds screamed. Everyone was trying to escape to get to safety even the Teyrna and Teyrn were making a break for it.
From a distance back at their camp, Leliana, Sten and the dog relaxed on the outskirts of the city until they heard and saw an explosion from the centre of the city.
Leliana sighed as she and Sten looked at each other. They knew who it was and at this point they try and act less surprised.
To Be Continued
I would like to thank my older brother Darth Malleus for reading over my grammar and making sure I don't forget the important things.
This took two days to write and I hope you enjoyed it! I think it's better than the first two chapters!
Till next time!