17. In pieces
As I opened my eyes something felt wrong. My vision was blurry and I obviously was not home. As I blinked a few times, I tried to figure out what was going on. Then I heard it. His voice, his beautiful, velvet voice.
"Bella? Are you awake? How are you feeling?" he sounded very concerned, almost anxious.
"Edward! Hi, I'm…" What was I? "I'm… in pain…What happened?" I asked him. I finally was able to take in my surroundings. I was in a hospital. Definitely. Edward was sitting on a chair right next to my bed, holding my hand in his.
"Bella, shh! It's going to be okay, let me get Carlisle, he will explain everything to you," he said, and rushed to the door, then he vanished.
My mind was very unfocused. Something had happened apparently, but I could not remember what, try as I might. There was something very important in the back of my head, something I had to…protect? I had no idea what it was…
Within a few moments, Carlisle walked into my hospital room. He spared me a faint smile and then, as he approached my bed, his face turned very serious.
"What happened?" I asked, honestly clueless.
"Bella, you were involved in a car accident. You broke your arm and a couple of ribs, so you might be in some pain, you also dislocated a knee, so you're going to be a bit unsteady for a while…" Right…as I looked down to my covered body I saw, and mostly felt all of the wounds Carlisle was referring to.
I forced my brain to work. What was I forgetting? I remembered being in the car, and seeing the bus coming, and hearing the screaming…But what had happened before that?
"Where's Edward?" I asked, noticing his absence.
"I advised him to stay outside for a few minutes, I thought you might need some alone time to process what has happened."
What had happened? I had been in a car accident, but all was well now, I would be just fine…
In the car…I had been talking to Alice…Oh my God, please don't let it be.
"Carlisle, my baby?" I could hear my heartbeat pick up from one of the machines and my breathing was much faster now.
He barely looked at me. "I'm afraid you had a miscarriage Bella. The baby was too small, too young to survive such a shock. I'm very sorry," Carlisle apologized.
I lost it? I lost my baby? I killed Edwards child? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me? I lost my baby…
I didn't even realize that I was crying until Carlisle offered me some tissues.
"I know it's hard Bella but you're very young, you can have other children," Carlisle offered.
"But I killed Edwards' baby, I killed our child." I was weeping, staring at him, who was now sitting on the side of my bed, comforting me.
"No, Bella, you did not, it was not your fault. Don't blame yourself," he soothed me.
"Does Edward know?" I hadn't even told him it was his yet, and now it was already gone.
"Yes, that's why he's here, he wouldn't leave you, he made me send Jacob and Charlie away."
"Do they know?" I hadn't even told them I was pregnant yet…
"No, I did not tell them anything. It's all up to you," he assured me.
"Thank you" as I felt new tears filling my eyes I said "could you please give me a minute? I want to be alone for a while"
"Of course, let me know if there's anything I can do" and he exited the room.
I lay back down on my big bed and stared out the window. I let my tears flow. I deserved that much; I'd just lost my whole world. My entire future.
I'm not sure how long it was before I heard Edward come back inside. He must have done that on purpose, he seldom made his presence noticed, it wasn't natural to him.
I tried to get myself together, I didn't want him to see me like this. I calmed as much as I could and turned to face him. He was leaning on the wall right across from my bed. His expression betrayed that he must have felt as bad as I did because he looked like he was in pain. In a lot of intense, almost physical, pure pain. I'd hurt him.
I couldn't speak. I had nothing good enough to say.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, concerned again.
"My body doesn't hurt too much," I evaded.
"Bella, Alice told me everything." He stated. He seemed like he was undergoing some torture.
"She shouldn't have, I asked her not to, apparently your feelings could have been spared, you could have gone on as if nothing ever had happed, she shouldn't have involved you…" I was so sorry for putting him through this.
"Is that what you think I wanted? Is that what you think I would have done?" he asked, surprise in his voice.
"No, I don't know…Just know that you don't have to feel bad, I wouldn't have tried to tie you to me with this baby, I was having it no matter what," I said and my eyes filled with tears again.
"Oh, Bella" he was now coming close to me, he sat on the bed right next to me and he leaned his beautiful and strained face above mine, forcing me to look into his compelling eyes, "Bella, the moment I found out it was my child you had lost I felt my world disappear. I would not have left you. Neither your, nor our child," he was about to continue as I interrupted him.
"Please stop, you're making it worse" He was describing what we could not have anymore.
"No, you need to hear this. Bella I loved this child as much as you did and losing it cost the world to me. I haven't ever, in my entire existence, felt a sorrow deeper than the one I experienced when I found out you had miscarried our baby. I thought…we could have been a family, that's what I wanted. I didn't even think such a thing was possible."
He would have stayed. I would have gotten my happily ever after. I ruined everything.
The tears were now overflowing my eyes and I had to look away from him. His words only made my grief grow deeper. He would have stayed.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking out the window again.
"This isn't your fault. Don't blame your self about this. There's nothing you could have done," he tried to comfort me.
"Edward please don't say that, it's all on me, I was careless and now we're both paying for it." I refused to look at him. It hurt too much.
"No, Bella it's not, and it hasn't changed me, I still love you, more than ever now. We can still have that…a family." He leaned in to kiss me.
We kissed only briefly, we was so kind and gentle with me, I did not deserve it. I turned my gaze away, to the floor this time. He put one hand next to my head to support his body and he rested his forehead on my cheek. "I love you, so much," he said, his eyes closed by his intensity. I couldn't bare to answer him, I loved him too, I was so sorry for having taken away our family, I could never forgive myself. I started sobbing. Loudly. I started crying so hard that I felt pain in my chest. I let the grief consume me.
"I lost it, I lost our baby…" I yelled. He never flinched away from me. I wrapped my arms around his chest and I kept him close to me. I cried even harder. "I lost our child, I'm so sorry," I whispered this time. Edward was caressing my hair and was trying to soothe me. I just kept giving in to shattering sobs. He whispered to me "It's going to be okay". I knew it wasn't.
When I was done crying, we just lay there, he was lying next to me on the bed and was cradling me. I just stared into nothingness having thoughts that were too painful to bear.
Our fingers were intertwined.
After a while, after I had let this whole thing settle in on me, and had expressed my feelings wordlessly, I pulled my self up, despite the pain that burned my torso, and I looked at him.
"You need to leave," I old him calmly
"What? Why?" he asked surprised by my words
"Because I'm guessing Jacob is going to be here soon and because I can't stand seeing your face," I was as frank as could be.
He looked at me, puzzled.
"I can't stand looking into your beautiful face and knowing that I'm responsible for the pain that is pooling there. I can't stand to look at you and think that we could have had a family and that because of me, we won't. It's too much. You need to leave"
I could see in his face that my words had hurt him but that he understood. Silently, he got up from my bed, spared me one last look, and left. The tears started again.
A few hours later, when I had managed to calm myself and relax a bit, Jacob came into the room.
"Hey beautiful, how are you? You scared me there for a minute…" and he kissed my lips tenderly.
"I'm okay, in pain, but I can handle it…"
"Are you sure? You don't look that good, babe," he pressed.
"I'm okay". He was right. I wasn't. it was written all over my blank face. Poor Jake had no idea there ever had been a baby. Let alone Edwards' baby.
"Well, okay, Charlie is downstairs, talking to doctor Cullen," he really tried not to frown upon the word but failed, "looks like we might be taking you home today. How about that?"
"Sounds good," I really couldn't do much better than those mundane answers. I felt dead.
"Okay, I'm just gonna gather your stuff, Charlie is bringing you some fresh clothes, it'll be over soon babe," he soothed me.
"Jake, thank you," I added. I hadn't done anything to deserve such loyalty, devotion and care.
"You're welcome. It's all cause I love you," he said and winked at me.
'Not you too', the thought popped into my head…
I just faintly smiled in response. I just needed to get home.