I can still hear that scream
It's still lingering in the air, everywhere"
That plea still rang in his ears. It was a reminder of his selfishness that had cost him the ultimate price: his brother's life.
Many people have lost siblings and, though it was hard, they were still able to live and move on with their lives. Sirius wished that it was that easy for him; he wished that he could just move on. The circumstances were different for him, though, since most people weren't the cause of their siblings' deaths. Sirius was. Sirius killed Regulus.
"Please, Sirius, take me with you. Don't leave me alone."
That night – that damn night when everything went wrong for both of them. He had been so damn selfish. All Sirius had been able to think about was breaking away from his messed up family. Never once had he considered how his actions were going to affect his younger brother.
He knew now. Now, Sirius knew that he could have saved Regulus' life if he had just complied and brought him along. But he didn't and he couldn't take back his decision now. It was too late.
"Isn't this pain guilt enough?"
He had never been the big brother for which Regulus had so desperately longed. He had despised his younger brother ever since he could remember. The reasons for his hatred seemed so petty now that Regulus was dead. It shouldn't have mattered that their parents favored the younger Black; jealousy was no reason to abandon all of the responsibilities that came along with being an older brother.
The knowledge that he had had so many damn chances to help his brother choose the right path through life ate away at his conscience. As if the pain of losing a sibling wasn't enough, Sirius had to be weighed down by the guilt of so many wrong choices on both of their parts. If he had made the right choices as a brother then Regulus would have never had the opportunity even to consider becoming a Death Eater. And for this Sirius hated himself.
"Every night on a Monday
I will visit the same spot that I hate"
The first thing that Sirius did when he arrived back at Grimmauld Place was visit the room that his brother had once called his own. There were decorations that seemed so out of place to Sirius; they hadn't been there when he had left. Newspaper clippings were stuck to the wall on the same space where Regulus had once hung the pictures of his brother and him. A mask – Regulus' Death Eater mask – lay on the top of his bureau, right where he had once set his wizard chess set. So much had changed since Sirius had last been in that room, but seeing these differences was not the reason why he was there. He didn't want to see what his brother had become. No, he wanted to remember the person that his brother had once been.
Sirius wanted to remember the good times that they had had together. He had blocked them out when he left his family and could no longer remember them. For many years now he had dreamed about going back to the house of his childhood just to see if they could jog his memory. He yearned to recall those golden moments that he had shared with his brother when they both were innocent and carefree.
Sirius closed his eyes shut as he sat in the middle of Regulus' dusty room. He urged his mind to remember – he needed to remember. Suddenly, memories of hide-and-seek flooded his mind. He recalled how he always had the best hiding spots and it bothered Regulus. For the first time in years, Sirius smiled a true smile.
He was unable to recall any more memories, but he knew there must be more. Sirius knew that there was no way that he had always disliked Regulus. He made a promise to himself to visit his younger brother's room often because he needed these memories. He no longer wanted to think of only hatred and guilt when his brother's name came to mind. No, he wanted to think of those carefree times when they both were innocent, wide-eyed kids.
The lyrics that I used are from the song "Yellow Butterflies" by Meg and Dia. It is an amazing song and you all should really listen to it.
Fangz 2 mew 4 helping me wif thiz chapta!