Hello, hello!

First off, to all of my Living a Lie readers, I'm so sorry that I've been hit with such selective writer's block! I honestly wish I could write LAL, but it's just not flowing right! I attempted the next chapter, and it turned out so horrible, I don't think I would let a bridge troll read it. :| It's pretty bad. But never fear! It will come out eventually, and by eventually I mean before Halloween! I know, I know, not much of a consolation, but I literally cannot write it right now. So sorry. :(

Anywho, I've been getting back into Kuroshitsuji, and I've come to love the pairing SebastianxMaylene, so after being greatly disappointed by the lack of adequate fics with this pairing (there were a few good ones), I decided I needed a crack!fix, and came up with this.

Kuroshitsuji (c) Yana Toboso, and not me. But if I did own it, Sebastian would be my butler, and I would love him forever and order him to make me an ungodly amount of brownies and tira misu.


Maylene, official maid of the Phantomhive household, was a klutz. And she wasn't one of your run-of-the-mill klutzes either: she tripped over air. Frequently.

And when she wasn't busy tripping over air and her own two feet, she was busy falling over while on rather tall ladders, dropping plates even when she held them securely in both hands, and mixing up shoe polish and floor wax.

Yes, she was a klutz of the worst kind, and Sebastian Michealis, the world's most pristine and perfect butler (because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be a Phantomhive butler), had to deal with the mess afterwards, whether it was porcelain and/or glass shards, water, shoe polish and/or floor wax, or (quite often) Maylene's various scrapes and bruises.

Maylene sighed for the umpteenth time as she adjusted her cracked glasses. She didn't want them replaced because they were the first thing that the Young Master Ciel Phantomhive had ever given her. She honestly wished that she could be just a little bit less klutzy and a lot more graceful. She had a perfect and pristine Phantomhive butler she wanted to impress, after all.

But she was used to being scolded for running into things (and people), so it came as no surprise when she ran into an elderly woman who just so happened to be crossing in front of her on the abnormally quiet town streets.

"Oof!" cried the elderly woman.

"Ack!" cried Maylene.

Both promptly fell upon their derrières onto the unforgiving sidewalk.

Maylene watched in horror as the elderly woman moved to right herself and began scowling at the poor (eternally klutzy) young maid.

"Just where d'you think you're going, young lady?" the elderly woman spat vehemently. Maylene thought she put just a tad too much venom in the "young lady" part of her irate inquiry.

"U-um…" she began most eloquently. "I-I was doing errands f-for the Young M-Master… I-I'm so s-s-s-sorry!"

The elderly woman stood to her full (albeit insubstantial) height and glared down her particularly beaky nose. "What's the matter, girly? Cat got your tongue? Can't even speak without stuttering!"

"S-sorry!" Maylene cried. "I'm t-truly sorry! It's just… I'm not very g-graceful, a-and I didn't s-see you!"

The elderly woman developed a rather evil glint in her beady old-lady eyes. "Not very graceful, you say?"

Maylene positively shuddered at the malevolent grin that was slowly spreading across the elderly woman's wrinkled face like a malignant lesion.

"I'm so sorry!"


"I wonder where Maylene is?" Finny said, voicing the thought that had plagued his mind since approximately 3:24 that afternoon, precisely twenty-four minutes after the aforementioned maid was supposed to come back.

"Probably tripped through one of the shop windows 'cause she was looking too close," Bard suggested reasonably.

Both males froze at the all-too-plausible explanation for the girl's absence. Knowing that klutzy lass like they did, it wasn't at all out of the scope of possibilities.

Sebastian stopped them both with a hand on their shoulders. "I'm sure Maylene is quite alright. Go back to your chores."

And with that order, Finny and Bard went back to their daily duties, wondering all the while when their graceless gal-pal was coming home.

Meanwhile, Sebastian heard a suspicious scratching at the front door of the mansion. Frowning slightly (because a Phantomhive butler who couldn't remember whether or not guests were expected wouldn't be a very good Phantomhive butler at all), he wandered over to the oversized front doors and pasted on a somewhat welcoming Phantomhive Butler patented smile.

"Good afternoon…?" he greeted, only to blink in surprise when there was not a single guest to be found. Shrugging microscopically (because Phantomhive butlers are nothing if not completely professional at all times), he began to close the door, only to stop dead in his tracks when he looked down towards his perfectly polished shoes.

His deep red eyes promptly lit up in a loving manner as he all but fell down to scratch the small cat behind the ears. "Why, good afternoon!" he exclaimed, practically grinning in delight. "To what might I owe this pleasure, Miss Kitty?"

The cat froze and immediately ceased her happy purring, instead opting to stare with (oddly familiar) dark amber eyes imploringly up at the perfect, pristine butler who was currently attempting to rub under her chin.

Sebastian misinterpreted this as a "please kind sir, take me in and feed me and dote on me as if your life depended on it!", so he picked the small red-brown feline up and cradled her, carrying the suddenly motionless 'Princess' (his new name for her) up to his quarters.


Maylene mewled desperately when Sebastian laid her down on his plush bed.

"Shh," he whispered lovingly, and proceeded to rub her exposed tummy affectionately.

Maylene let out an 'eep!' when he kissed her chest.

If she didn't have fur covering her face, she swore she'd be blushing ten times redder than a ripe tomato!

She had to tell her small heart to keep beating when she saw his devilish smirk.

"Such beautiful paws!" he exclaimed, rubbing them tenderly. "Such a graceful tail!" he gushed, gently stroking his fingers along the length of the furry appendage. "Such a beautiful, pink nose," he whispered theatrically, kissing it lightly.

Maylene nearly died.


Sebastian looked at the tiny animal splayed out beneath him with an endlessly amused expression.

"If I didn't know any better, Princess," he began slyly, "I'd say you were rather bashful."

He nearly laughed when she moved to cover her large, dark amber eyes with her tiny, red-brown paws.

He barely managed to hold back a dark chuckle when her stomach grumbled, causing her to jump in surprise.

"You're lucky I'm one hell of a butler, or else I wouldn't have any of these stored away in my bedchamber," he said smugly, holding up a container of catnip and a box of cat toys. "Amuse yourself while I go and prepare your dinner, Princess," he ordered lovingly as he placed the box of toys on his bed in front of her.


Maylene stared at the large wooden box.

To peek, or not to peek?

Deciding on the former, she reached up on her hind legs and placed her front paws on the edge of the box, peering inside.

Catching sight of the catnip-stuffed mouse laying tantalizingly on top of the other toys, she rephrased her previous query.

To play, or not to play?


"Princess, I would like to present to you your dinner," Sebastian stated, quite the pristine and perfect Phantomhive butler once again. "Fresh lightly seared tuna fish with a side… of…"

If he wasn't a dignified demon, let alone a Phantomhive butler, he would have squealed in delight. There was his little Princess, nearly falling off the bed with a catnip-stuffed mouse dangling off of one tiny, perfect, sharp claw and nearly completely dilated eyes.

The epitome of all things cute and fluffy, if he were to say so himself.

Taking a deep breath to compose himself, he set the gilded tray down and moved to take the mouse away from the incredibly high-out-of-her-mind Princess.

Instead of letting him take the mouse away, Princess proceeded to sink her tiny claws into Sebastian's incredibly expensive custom-made Phantomhive Butler patented gloves, pulling his long fingers forward so she could gnaw playfully on his gloved fingertips.

Sebastian cleverly masked is excited squeal of joy with a Phantomhive Butler patented throat-clearing cough, causing Princess to jump and attempt to right herself and extricate her claws. The gloves, however, would have none of that and held her there against her will until Sebastian was able to compose himself and gently remove her tiny paws himself.

Chuckling quietly, he removed his ruined glove and lifted Princess into his arms. "Dinner time, Princess. We can play after I've taken care of the rest of the household and prepared the Young Master for bed."


Maylene sighed contentedly. She was an official maid of the Phantomhive household, and she didn't eat this good when she had still been human!

Sitting back and unconsciously beginning to clean herself, she reflected on her object of affection (and current man-slave, apparently), Sebastian Michealis.

As one of the Phantomhive employees, she had always thought that Sebastian was aloof and antisocial, and definitely not one to have a soft spot for something cute and fluffy. Heck, everyone who ever met the perfect and pristine butler of the Phantomhive household would think that he was cold and professional at all times.

'Apparently not,' she thought happily as Sebastian rubbed her cheek with a soft smile. 'I finally know something that Sebastian likes! And I like cats too… even though I'm a cat myself right now. At least it's one thing we have in common…'

Sebastian stood up from the plush bed and took away the plates that he had used to serve his 'Princess' with. "I'll be back," he promised, and Maylene mewed in response.

'Maybe that elderly woman wasn't so bad after all…' she thought sleepily.


Sebastian woke Princess from her 'cat nap', as it were, when he opened his bedroom door. Smirking as she yawned and stretched contentedly, he proceeded to take off his gloves (a new pair, because what sort of Phantomhive butler wouldn't have more than one pair of Phantomhive Butler patented gloves?), overcoat, and shoes. His demonic hearing picked up a rather shocked squeak as he took off his shirt and undershirt, leaving his bare torso exposed to the cool nighttime air.

He carefully hid his knowing grin when he unbuttoned his pants, and made sure not to let his Princess see the leer he wanted to send her way as he slid the black fabric past his waist and down his legs.

When he turned around after pulling on his night clothes, he could have sworn he saw a tiny dribble of blood leaking from Princess's little pink nose.

Chuckling quietly, he scooped her up and pulled back the covers, resting her on his chest when he had laid himself down. He pulled the soft down comforter up over his waist and rested the edge on Princess's back to keep her warm.

Demon's do not need to sleep, but Sebastian decided to pretend he was rather mortal and 'fell asleep' with his large hand cradling his little Princess.


To say Maylene was shocked to find herself with her head resting in the crook of Sebastian's neck was an understatement. She nearly died for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

Deciding to utilize some of her newfound feline grace, she carefully made her way over the vast sea of blankets to the edge of the bed, jumping down silently and making her way over to the door. Staring up at the ornate handle, she devised a genius plan to make her way outside. After attempting this genius plan several times in a row and succeeding only in failing miserably, she turned around and spotted an open window.

'Aha!' she exclaimed inwardly, because a cat saying 'Aha!' is simply ludicrous and rather impossible (unless of course they are trained to do so).

She jumped to the window sill, spotted a conveniently placed vine, and shimmied her way down to the ground.

'Now to find that rather scary elderly woman and set this straight…'


Sebastian heard a loud commotion downstairs while he was bringing the young master's tea tray back down.

Rounding the corner at the banister, he looked down into the entrance hall to find a rather ruffled Maylene surrounded by an ecstatic Finny, a relieved Bard, and a slightly suspicious Pluto, who sniffed openly at the girl's skirts and sneezed.

At that moment, Maylene looked up at Sebastian and immediately turned quite a few shades of red.

Smirking, Sebastian turned an about face and headed to his bedchambers to prepare… something.


"Maylene, please bring a broom and dustpan up to my quarters," Sebastian called downstairs. Maylene looked up, quite surprised not that Sebastian was asking her to clean something in his quarters, but that he had caused a mess to begin with.

"Y-yes, Sebastian!"

Hurrying to gather the needed supplies, Maylene rushed up the stairs, tripping a couple of times, and continuing on towards Sebastian's rooms. Reaching the door, she paused and brushed her hands through her hair and wiped down her slightly wrinkled maid's uniform.

She raised a fist to knock on the door, when it slowly opened with a slight creak.

"U-um, S-Sebastian?"

"Come in, Maylene."

She nearly jumped when he appeared in front of her suddenly, looking for all the world as if he had been there the whole time.

She walked in and he closed the door silently behind her. She looked around, trying to spot this mess that he had made. Finding nothing, she stepped forward, looking around. "Um, S-Sebastian…?"

"Over by the bed," he said simply.

Maylene moved forward, thankfully without tripping and thus making a complete and utter fool of herself.

"Maylene," Sebastian said, suddenly standing right beside her. She jumped and let out a surprised 'eep!'

Smirking, Sebastian held up a pair of hand-made kitty ears. "Would you mind terribly if I asked you to wear these for me, Princess?"

The proverbial light bulb flashed on above the startled girl's head. "Y-you knew! You knew it was me the whole time!"

His devilish smirk widened to a grin.

"B-but the tummy-rubs! And the k-kissing! And the t-t-tuna!"

Stepping closer, Sebastian offered, as all Phantomhive butlers should, "Would you like a repeat performance, and perhaps a little more than an appetizer?"


Too many innuendos? I THINK NOT. Haha!

Pretty good for a quick one, methinks. I'm not normally into human-becomes-cat fics, but hey. Whatever works, yeah?

Hope you all enjoyed! ;)

Much love,