FGB outtake for Mac214. This is an AU offshoot of the chapter Deja Vu Again, so be prepared for some Deja Vu...again. *cue Keanu Reeves saying 'woah'* As per Mac214's goading (and written permission) there are direct references to Relative Wind in this outtake. Can you find them?

Betas: Jkane180, Lumedog7, Candysays

Prereaders: wordslinger, Katinki, JulesZP

Prompt:

Mac: I really wanted to see a Bella as Flanagan sexdown with both Edward and Emmett at the same time. For kicks, you could throw Jake into the mix... mostly because I'd like to see how you choreograph all four of them, especially since Jake CAN attempt to touch the other boys. ;-p Edward would also be having an identity crisis, sort of the equivalent of sympathy birthing pains men sometimes have... only in this case his alternate personality is either Emmett (from BBS) or Relative Wind Edward (so he could borrow the ninja tongue trick or eggs benedict). Lastly, two things would need to be somehow mentioned/involved: a fetal pig (you know, the type for dissection) and smelly cheese.

Me: Hahaha, I've actually kind of written this before. No, I'm serious. Have you read When Pigs Fly? Substitute the fetal pig for a drunk pig and Jacob for a bottle of Jim Beam and there you have it.

Mac: Shall I rethink? At the very least, let's substitute a frozen turkey for the fetal pig. Maybe you should toss Jasper in too?

Me: Sounds like a party!

Context: Starts at the chapter Fire and Ice and jumps back to Deja Vu Again.

Cast of characters: Bella Flanagan, Jasper Jizz-bin, Kelmett, Jake (aka the dog) but I think he's fuckhott, Underthebedward, with a special guest appearance of Relative Wind Edward's ninja tongue, a frozen turkey. Unfortunately, the cheese stands alone in the title.

Disclaimer: Do not read this unless you're like, I dunno, over 30...or, at least if you've at least once uttered the statement: "I can't drink anymore, like I used to back in college," or "Do you have any Tums? That burrito is repeating on me."

BBS Outtake: Mac's Cheese

"If we knew the unknown, the unknown wouldn't be unknown." - Al, Quantum Leap

Have you ever been in two places at once? Reality shifted and expanded around me all the time. Yeah, crazy, right?

I was Dr. Sam fucking Beckett, tripping over the rift of one dimension to the next. My trusty hologram, Al, was calculating my chances of leaping into another outtake like the Emmett one because that shit made my girly bits squeal like a stuck pig.

Of only a few things I was certain: Edward was a vampire with the sparkliest of peens; Jacob had an ass you could bounce a gummy bear off of; and Emmett needed to know that there was indeed something that could get between him and his Calvins...

These thoughts swam in circles in the cesspool of my mind. I rode the gentle waves until it became clear this whirlpool of thought circled around a specific memory. What was I trying to remember?

The last thing I remembered was waking up, immersed in water, bleeding out into the tub. Edward was with me...I think. Fuck, I wasn't exactly sure. Vertigo was a bitch. Gravity completely evaded me and I wasn't sure suddenly if I was horizontal or vertical. I opened my eyes and fell forward, the landscape of my reality making no sense because it was a dreamscape. The feeling of moving in this universe was akin to traversing the paradoxical staircases of an Escher painting.

"Bella? Listen to me; this is only an outtake. A lot of shit went down in the last chapter, but forget about it for now. There's someplace else you need to visit."

Droplets of water seeped under my lashes and into my eyes, making everything blurry.

"I think I've been changed into a vampire," I explained to the disembodied voice.

"There certainly is enough evidence to suggest it," replied the voice; the enigmatic piece of fuck!

"Where am I?"

"An outtake - a crazy one with lots of slashy goodness. You'll get to fuck all the boys."

Awesome. The voice in my head sounded like good people after all. Maybe I should have been concerned by this further evidence I was slipping, losing more of my tenuous grip on reality. Shit, it didn't matter; I was fucking immortal sex gods. I'd thank Buddha or whatever benevolent creator of the universe made this outtake possible.

"Um...God, is that you? It's me, Flanagan."

"My name is BellaFlan; so glad you finally acknowledged my existence."

Hm, not a good sign. It's okay to talk to God, but when She starts talking back it's time to check into the loony bin (too late).

"Be a good girl, Flanagan, and just play along. Mac214 bought this outtake and things might get a little strange."

"Mac214 wrote the fanfic Relative Wind, right?"

"Yep."

"Oooh, I love DILFward. I'd like to fuck him."

"I'll see what I can do."

-({})-

From wet and cold to dry and warm, I padded with bare feet over a lush carpet, spun from what felt like woven silk. I lowered to my knees and pressed my cheek against the soft threads, inhaling the clean, almost sweet scent of the fibres. Rolling onto my back, I gazed up at the ceiling and noticed the highest shelf on the wall was lined with show boxes.

Well, fuck! I wasn't sure for certain where I was - only that I was in a wardrobe, and the clothes were so beautiful that I wanted to dry hump them.

Oh my god, I had totally been here before. This was Alice's closet! Somehow, I was inside of the Cullens' house. A vague sense of foreboding stirred up the contents of my stomach. However, since I fed on a consistent diet of nicotine and delusion, there wasn't much in the way of vomit to snake its way up into my chest. The ill portent manifested more like a half-assed heartburn, a dull throbbing in my esophagus. It would take more than mild acid reflux to pull my attention away from Alice's treasure trove of a wardrobe!

It was exquisite, fully stocked with the latest and best of absolutely everything! My mouth pooled with saliva as I gawked, coveting the sleek garments that lined the walls. If fate had delivered me into the heaven that was Vogue's sample closet, it was probably best that I played along. I chose a pair of Seven jeans that made my perky little ass look taut and irresistible. The shirt took me much longer to decide on. I grabbed a green Versace sleeveless chemise, but fell head over heels in love with a pair of crepe satin, pink pumps.

"Pink Louboutins," I orgasmed.

The top was instantly discarded for a rose-coloured silk blouse that showcased the shoes perfectly.

"Bella?" I spun around and was faced with a blond vampire.

"Hey," I said. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Jasper." He kept a distance from me as he spoke.

"Awesome. You look like Jackson Rathbone's hotter twin brother."

"Thank you, ma'am," he drawled Southernly.

"Feel free to call me darlin', Jizzy."

I folded the shirts that I had tried on and put them back in their rightful places. Suddenly, I became aware of Jasper sniffing my wounded arm.

"May I help you?"

"I'm sorry, Bella." Jasper was fighting against something, but I wasn't sure what. His eyes were black and bottomless.

I screamed, but the sound was cut short when Jasper threw me to the ground. Squeezing my eyes shut, I started to beg like a pussy. "Please? You don't want to do this! Please?"

A wave of lust collided with me like a brick wall.

"What the fuck was that?"

"Me, darlin'. I'm fixin' to fuck you." His voice was a growl, and his pouty, gentle lips were at odds with the voracious expression in his eyes. "I'm mighty hungry, Bella, and I may not be able to control my appetites." His cheeks dimpled as he lowered his face to my chest. "Just a little taste? I'll suck the poison out after I'm done."

"Fuck, no!"

"Baby, please? I'm from Texas, you know. Everything's bigger in Texas." Deliberately, he cupped my chin and tilted my head so that I'd make eye contact with his oversized belt buckle. Said buckle proudly confirmed that "Everything's Bigger in Texas!" It was nice that his cock could share a slogan with the Lone Star State. He fingered the clasp and bit into the flesh of his plump lower lip. "Let me taste you."

"I think you have self-control issues. This is likely not a good idea," I explained, hooking my fingers under his novelty buckle. "There's no fucking way this is going to happen." The buckle fell to the ground with a muted clang, and I cautiously manipulated the buttons of his fly. "Oh my fuck, you absolutely must speak to me in Texan!" His bucked at me so I grabbed the bull by his horn. Desire overtook me then, as my fingers wrapped around his cool shaft, his smooth flesh like velvet over stone, straining in my fingers for more friction. His lower back arched, pushing his cock further towards me.

"You're fucking huge," I whispered in reverence.

"Yes, ma'am; the buckle doesn't lie."

"I'll never mess with a Texan again. I had no idea of the kind of heat you were packing underneath your belt, Jizzy. This is a cock of a different calibre. Tell me, what other state slogans ring true?"

"Well," he said thoughtfully, pushing my head down towards his dick. "We really do wear belt buckles as big as your head."

"Speaking of which..." My lips parted and I pulled the head of his cock into my mouth with a gentle suck. Since he offered no objection, I bit down lightly on the ridge and was rewarded with a half-crazed groan. Making a fist around the base, I pulled his cock further over my tongue and into the back of my throat. Once it had settled as far back as it would comfortably go, I braced myself against his bare thighs and bobbed back up to the tip, and down again, alternating between sucking and gentle biting with each pass. His thighs trembled against my palms, his skin heating to match my own temperature. As I rode him with my mouth, his fingers cupped my breasts, feathering a cool breeze over my taut nipples. I whimpered at the contact, closing my eyes and stilling to concentrate on the delicious sensation.

"More," he gasped. "Fuck...so warm. Baby, your sweet little tongue...ung." Releasing my nipple, he cupped the back of my head in his palm and gyrated his hips towards my face. "More," he pleaded again.

"No," I admonished, smacking his thigh lightly. "Not until you give me more Texas slogans."

"Remember the Alamo." His chest heaved, as if he needed to draw in extra oxygen. However, I imagined this was a residual human impulse. Actually, I wasn't really sure why vampires had sex at all. I mean, I was glad that they did, but it made little sense since clearly there was no biological reason for it.

"That's better," I giggled like a porn star and kissed the slit of his cockhead. His hand, the one that stroked my neck, found its way down my back. He dug his nails into the tender flesh between my shoulder blades, and I felt a sharp and sudden sting.

"Ow. Wait, am I bleeding?" But he didn't respond. Instead, he kept raking against my skin with one hand, urging my head back down to his crotch with the other.

"Texas: A Great, Big Flat State," he grunted and fisted my hair. I sucked on him with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, but he was a little rougher than I was used to. Another sharp twinge assaulted my back and I choked and gagged as he released into my throat. Staggering away from his dick, I nearly heaved, spitting semen onto his pant leg.

"Let go of me, asshole!"

"Only sure things in life are death and Texas." His hands wrapped around my neck, stroking my skin lightly at first, but when I pulled back from him further, he dug his fingers painfully into my clavicle. "Is that it, little lady? You're done already?"

I nodded, dragging my body off his lap. "I'm not into this anymore."

His hand caught my wrist. "Oh, but I'm still into this."

No longer caring to watch, I squeezed my lids shut. He wasn't breathing. I wasn't even aware that his mouth was on my neck until I felt his cold, hard lips pull at my skin.

"Texas," I whimpered. "Come for the adventure...stay for your wrongful execution."

Two things happened then. A sharp pain ripped through my neck and snarls and growls erupted from seemingly everywhere around me. I opened my eyes to see Jasper flying across the room faster than I could register, and I stumbled sideways in shock, hitting what felt like a fur coat...except said coat was growling.

"Jacob," I gasped and reached for his fur. He wrenched his body away from my touch and took a defensive stance in front of me.

"Thank you," Jasper muttered, jerking his dislocated arm back into place. "I never would have forgiven myself if-"

Jasper was thrown against the wall again, this time by Edward. "I'll kill you," he screamed, his hands around his brother's neck. He pounded his forehead into a chest of drawers, causing the old piece of furniture to split in two along the fissure the impact created.

Jacob's muzzle sneered and puckered into a feral growl, and I grappled for him again. He turned at my touch, his huge black eyes found mine, and something he saw in my face made him whimper. "Don't pull away, Jake. It hurts...so much."

An inferno blazed a path through my neck and shoulder. It felt like a cigarette burn, only deep within my veins.

"Bella?"

My vision was covered in dark spots, but the fear in Edward's face sent a shock wave of terror through me. He lowered Jasper off the wall and announced plainly, "I'm going to ass-rape you." Edward's voice was eerily calm as he said this.

"Do it!" I gasped.

Suddenly, Emmett ran into the room holding chains and a frozen turkey. "I'm here! What happened?" Even Edward stopped bashing in Jasper's skull to throw Em a quizzical look. "Alice," he explained. "She said to get-the-fuck home and fast. Also, she said to bring something strong enough to tie up a vampire-titanium-and something that would cool off a burn. All I could find in the freezer was a turkey."

"I'm not done with him." Edward bared his teeth in a wide hiss, motioning for Emmett to keep his distance.

"Dude, I think you have another problem to deal with."

The pain dissipated for a minute. "Jacob, I need to-" The words choked off and were replaced by my screams. All at once, the fire returned, but more than burning, it felt like my veins were dissolving completely, like acid was coursing though me with every heartbeat instead of blood.

"No," Jacob roared. He had phased without my noticing. The fur I clung to was now his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Jacob. I love you."

"Bella," he whimpered. "I love you...more than anything."

"She's bitten," Edward moaned. "Oh, god, no!"

"She's turning," Emmett confirmed. "Give me Jasper. I'll bind him up."

Edward nodded, releasing his brother and rushing to my side. "Bella," he soothed, trying to keep me still, but my body convulsed in his arms. "I know it hurts, love. I can stop it...do you want me to stop it or do you want to turn?"

"Stop stalling," Jacob roared again. "Save her!"

That's when things got really fucking weird.

-({})-

I always wondered what it felt like to die. Now I knew: it was like jumping out of a plane and free-falling into oblivion. Except in my case, Edward swept through my sky, like a God from a Machine, and saved my sorry ass at the last possible second.

My free-fall transformed into a tandem jump. Hmmm, this metaphor kind of reminded me of something.

As we plummeted towards the earth, the idea that I had landed into another fuckawesome outtake occurred to me. I would get as much in trade as I could manage, and I was talking about some really freaky shit, too.

When I awoke, still human, in Jasper and Alice's closet, I shared my fun plan with the boys.

"No fucking way!" Jacob spat.

"Please," I begged, shivering from the loss of blood.

"I don't relish the idea of this either, dog; I'm man enough though...if it's what she really needs." He undid his pants and threw down the gauntlet that was his cock.

"Fuck the pain away with me." It took every ounce of will within me to concentrate on Jake's face when the sparkling beacon that was Edward's schlong was in my periphery. It was like the sun, though; it was best not to look directly at it lest I be dazzled into blindness.

That was likely a hyperbole, but it was really fucking hot and stuff.

"Bella, leave with me, okay?" Jake pleaded. I ignored him and ran my hands over the thick muscle of his shoulders. "Please," he begged again and captured my hand in his.

"No, Jake. I'm doing this now...but I need your warmth. I'm so fucking cold." I shivered convulsively to emphasize my point and pulled away from him. "I need this." I raised my hands over my head and arched back until the nape of my neck hit Edward's chest. Always anticipating my needs, he pulled my shirt up over my chest, exposing my breasts to Jake.

"Fuck..." Jake groaned, staring at my tits like a deer caught in... aha! Suddenly the "headlights" euphemism made sense to me.

"Precisely. I want to fuck you...both of you. I already expect that Edward will do it."

To his credit, Edward didn't even flinch or mince his words at my unorthodox request. "I'll fulfil this demand, love, if it's what it will take to earn your forgiveness and trust." Always the drama queen. His hands palmed my breasts over my bra, and my nipples hardened almost painfully in response to his touch.

"If I do this, and that's a big fucking if, what the fuck do we do about psycho killer over there?" Jake motioned at Jasper while rocking uncomfortably on his haunches. Jasper whimpered, still positioned on his back in the corner of the room. I hadn't noticed that Emmett had hog tied him using the titanium. Actually, upon second glance, Jasper really did resemble Jackson Rathbone enough to wet my whistle - my whistle being the crotch of my panties.

"I'm kinda thinking that he needs to let Edward fuck him," I mused.

"Pardon me?" Edward stuttered.

"I'd like for you to fuck Jizz-bin. You know, in the ass. Do you think you can do that?"

Edward opened and closed his mouth, gaping at me like a simpleton. "Baaaahbuzzzzz," he replied with. His lips started vibrating like a personal massager, and for a moment, I considered sitting on his face.

"Um, are you buzzing?" Honestly, I had no clue what to make of his strange reply.

Jasper seemed to be in the know, however. "She can't understand you," he laughed rather maniacally from his place on the floor. He was awfully smug for a vampire who was tied up like livestock. "You're wasting your breath."

"Buuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzz."

"Oh my fucking God, what are you doing?" I yelled.

He was obviously hysterical. I probably needed to slap him, but that would involve breaking my hand. Instead, I grabbed Jake's arm and used it like a battering ram into his jaw. Jake, the eternal gentleman, helped me out by making a formidable fist. "Stop it," I pleaded, "Stop buzzing!"

"His secrets are bubbling to the surface like an overflowing pot," Jasper sang, and rolled around epileptically.

"That's very poetic, Jizz-bin. I think I'll enjoy watching you squeal like a pig."

"...buzzzzzzzzzzz..." It became apparent that Edward's inappropriate impression of a humming bird was actually some sort of confession.

"What?" Letting go of Jake, I cupped Edward's smooth jaw in my hands and tried to force him to meet my eyes. "What did you already do? Please, Edward, you're making me crazy. Haven't I been through enough bullshit today?" Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I lowered my poor neck against his cool chest, trying to soothe the burn. "What did you already do?"

"IalreadydidJasperandI'msosorry."

"But...but..."

Jacob's chest began to shudder in hysterics. "I knew it!"

Inadvertently, I found myself crawling away from Edward, tugging my shirt back down to cover my breasts. His cool fingers were a tentative tap on my shoulder, but I lurched away from him, taking a moment to consider this most heinous double standard. All the bullshit he spouted at me about protecting his virtue was nothing but a load of dung. Jasper appeared vaguely smug, fixing his mischievous eyes on me. The fucker had the gall to wink.

"Well, fuck," I muttered. "Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck some more." Still sitting, I wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked on my ass, processing Edward's revelation. "Really?" I finally asked.

"Loveā€¦"

"Nah, don't Love me, Elton John; honestly, I should have known you were a cake-eater all along. It makes perfect sense."

"It wasn't love, Bella...only raw need." His voice was full of tension. Only raw need. His fuckhot body needed a sexual release and he used Jasper to soothe his desire.

How did they do it? Did Jasper get to suck Edward's beautiful, throbbing cock, drawing a violent orgasm that would start with the tightening of his balls and finish with a mouthful of unadulterated essence of Eddie. Fuck, I wanted to be the first person to swallow Edward's jizz. This was so not fucking fair.

"You said you were a virgin," I accused. "But you were totally fucking Jasper. You lied."

"I was a virgin. Not that I was lily pure, per se. Virginity, however, is defined as never having touched a woman."

"I've never touched a fucking woman either! Am I virgin?"

"Well... that's the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?"

Jasper erupted into inappropriate snickering. "That's the pot fucking Jacob Black, more like. Bella still reeks of dog, by the way, and the lust is still pouring off them both."

"Do it," I said coldly. "I want to see it, Edward."

"Please, Bella...no. I can't touch him after what he did to you."

"Dude, I'll do it!" Emmett announced proudly.

"Excellent; get naked," I goaded. He shrugged out of his shirt, his delicious and overly blatant pectorals practically winking at me. Stretching his arms over his head, he gyrated his hips like he was balancing a hula-hoop on them, and his low-slung jeans fell down his thighs, pooling at his feet.

"All the way naked, you sparkly bugger."

"Patience, milady," he taunted, wagging his finger. He knelt beside Jasper and loosened his bindings. "Yo, Jizzer, assume the position."

Jasper sat up and then walked his body forward, so that he was on all fours like a dog.

"Yeah, bro, show me that sweet ass," Emmett shouted.

"Are all vampires fags?" Jake asked.

Edward shook his head. "We're more in touch with sensual pleasures than humans. Sex doesn't need to have a romantic context for our kind, since the act is only a throw-back to a long-buried, human, procreative directive."

"I love it when you talk dirty," Emmett guffawed, rubbing circles on Jasper's ass. "Now shut the fuck up. We're just about ready for take-off!"

Instantly, I smirked. It was gratifying to see that smug worm playing bitch to Emmett. "I guess we can now tell the steer from the queer." I felt very triumphant about my stellar retort. Edward chuckled softly, and I glared at him.

"I know what her problem is," Jasper taunted, his ass raised smugly towards Emmett's hips. "She was born with a piece of her soul missing. All women are."

"Um, what was that cum-drum?" I spat.

"You have a gaping void. Only Eddie-boy can fill it...you know, with his cock."

"You have a purty mouth-" I was about to shoot back at him, but language evaded me suddenly, because Emmett had, without warning, decided to start fucking Jizzper.

Edward always described Emmett's hunting style as resembling that of a bear, but if his kill shot was anything like his mount, then Edward was mistaken. Emmett was a jaguar. His muscles were big, but somehow lean and sinewy. He shot forward toward his prone, would-be mate, covering Jasper's backside easily with his hips. Stone against stone, they collided in thunder, all growls and hisses at first, but when the two of them worked into a slow, almost tender rocking motion, the feral growls softened into whispery groans.

"Oh my god," I moaned softly.

"That's messed up," Jake whispered, but his tone belied his words.

"Jake...I want you, Jake." It was so fucking hot. I needed a beast of a man pistoning into my ass, too. But he wasn't looking at me. He was watching the two vampires sway together as one.

"More," Jasper pleaded, the twang in his diction all but gone. "Please...more..." He turned his head slightly, capturing the corner of Emmett's mouth with his tongue. A deep growl rumbled through the pair, both of their bodies trembling in kind. Jasper sat up slightly to get a better angle on Emmett's face. He pressed his back against his lover's chest, and Emmett responded by wrapping an arm around his stomach, teasing the light hair under his navel. "More," Jasper gasped again, straining against his hand. "Touch me, please, Emmett. I need your hand on my dick."

"Please, Jake? This is going to make me crazy. Why aren't you fucking me?"

Jake shook his head and glared at his feet.

"Leave then, dog, if you're not going to give her what she needs." Edward pulled my hair back from my neck and placed the frozen turkey against my wound, soothing the burn that still lingered from the venom extraction.

"She's leaving with me, as soon as she's strong enough," Jacob said evenly.

"I want to do that, too," I pouted, watching in awe as Emmett jack-hammered into Edward's awful brother. "Can we join?"

"Bella," Edward interjected. "It's not exactly safe to fuck in such close proximity...you'd have to do absolutely everything I say without argument if this is to happen."

"Yes, captain," I saluted.

He glanced cautiously at the balling vamps before nodding briefly and pulling me away from a reluctant Jake. "She wants you, too," he said awkwardly, "so join us if you really are more man than mutt."

"Be nice," I huffed, but Edward silenced me quickly with his mouth.

"Bella...I don't feel much like myself at the moment." He took my hand gently in his and kissed my palm.

"You're a manwhore," I squeaked. "You don't feel like yourself to me either."

"Excuse me? How am I a manwhore?"

"Um, 'cause you fuck men rather whorishly." He led me away from the closet, and Jake made no move to follow. When we were about four feet away from the coupling boys, Edward squeezed my hand, motioning for me to stop.

"Do you trust me?" He didn't wait for me to respond. Instead, Edward hooked his legs around mine to keep me in the correct position and grasped my wrists. "We're doing this in tandem," he explained, and I froze, suddenly terrified. Emmett was now fucking Jasper with such voracious abandon, I knew that I would be shredded and crushed if I got in the way. Also, it occurred to me that fucking a vampire was really stupid to begin with because the restraint he would have to employ to simply not kill me by accident was super-human in itself. Every muscle in my body tensed.

"Don't worry so much, Bella," Edward said into my ear, his cool breath causing my skin to break out into goose flesh. "I'm right here with you. I won't let anything go wrong." I hooked my legs around his hips, and he lowered me slowly to the ground.

"Okay," I whispered.

"Finish up over there, Emmett," Edward commanded.

"Why?" he grunted, digging his fingers into Jasper's pelvis. Jasper reached around to grip Emmett's hips and took over, dictating the rhythm of his thrusting.

"Because, I want you to fuck my girl in a minute."

I cried out in response. Just the thought of Emmett's cock inside of my cunt made me want to come. He smiled like a cat with a canary, his cheeks dimpling impishly. "Hells yeah! I've always wanted a piece of that." He fisted Jasper's shaft, tugging him with every push. Jasper grunted in response. "Yeah, you little bitch, you like that shit, don't you?"

"Fuck," he whimpered, riding Emmett's hand. Jasper arched his neck and leaned his head back onto Emmett's shoulder. Opening his lips quite sensually, he kissed his neck with slow, deliberated caresses. Where Emmett was all bravado, Jasper was almost tender and vulnerable. His tongue darted out against Emmett's skin, his soft little moan echoing Emmett's raspy groan.

"There's something I want to try," Edward said, distracting me to my sheer annoyance.

"Fuck off!" There was no way I was missing a second of Brokeback Mountain, the live show. "I'm busy, and I refuse to be distracted."

"Oh, really?" Before I could respond, Edward tore my jeans away from my ass, leaving nothing but a frayed denim band around my hips.

"Hey, I liked those!"

"I've got something that you're going to like even more." He licked a path towards my pussy while I squirmed under his cold tongue...his tongue; holy fuck! I couldn't begin to describe what it was doing between my legs. He flicked and teased me with it, darting it along my slit. He pulled my swollen clit between his lips in a gentle suck, and he groaned when my legs wrapped around his neck, pulling him tighter against me.

"Did you grow a second tongue?" I panted. Honestly, there was no other explanation I could think of, how he managed to offer me friction, both deep inside my pussy, on my g-spot and all along my clit, all at once. What kind of a mouth did this man possess anyway? His tongue was some sort of ninja!

"More," I cried.

"Don't touch her!" Jake growled.

"More," I begged, ignoring the unpleasant growls coming from the other side of the room. "I need it, Edward. Please make me come!"

"Bella," Emmett said sweetly. "I need you on all fours, kitten. Edward will keep mouth fucking you, but I want a piece of that ass."

"Edward," I panted, unsure of what to do. Without breaking contact with my clit, he flipped me onto my belly. My head was now facing his feet.

"I want to suck your toe," I mused.

"Lube," Edward gasped.

"For your toe?"

"He was talking to me," Emmett explained. "Dude, I'll be gentle. She's not the first human I've ass-fucked."

Well...that was something.

"She's certainly the hottest."

"She's mine," Edward hissed. "Don't get any ideas. This is a one-time thing."

Emmett grabbed my hips gently. I felt his lips kiss a path down my spine and settle in the small of my back. "Aw, shit, Bella...you're so fucking hot, little girl. I want you so much." His fingers were almost warm as he pried apart my buttocks and settled himself just at my sphincter. "C'mon Eddie, let me have her pussy?"

"No! Her pussy is only for me."

"Stop arguing! Ninja tongue is busy!"

Edward responded by lifting my pussy onto his chin and giving me the double-tongue action that I so desperately craved, rocking the apex of my labia on his tongue while simultaneously sucking on my clit. I bore down onto his face and squealed, feeling my pussy juices coat his chin.

"More," I gasped, rocking harder. Emmett lifted me slightly to accommodate his girth and pushed forward gently. As he stretched me open, I could feel a slightly uncomfortable sting, but his shaft was cool and soothing. He whimpered in my ear and cupped my breast in one of his hands; the other hand held my stomach. "Emmett," I sighed. His fingers on my nipple were pinching with feather-light pressure. "Oh, fuck..." The pain in my anus erupted into intense pleasure, like a chorus of angels strumming every nerve ending around my brown eye.

"Don't do this, Bells. Please...leave with me now." I could see Jake's ankles in front of me.

"You might as well leave. There's nothing more for you here. I'm a vamp girl now." It was a cruel thing for me to have said, but how many times could I hurt him? Obviously, he was only staying to make sure they didn't rip me apart.

"So it's your way or no way, like always, huh, Bells?"

"Yeah," I said as evenly as I could, but it was hard to keep the timbre of my voice natural when I was being fucked and pleasured along every erogenous zone imaginable.

"Well, then...I want some, too."

"I'm not fucking a dog," I heard Emmett say from somewhere behind me.

"I'm not fucking a leech...or a dude. I'm getting a blow job from the woman I love."

"Jake...maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Don't you want to suck my cock, Bells?" His voice was almost hurt.

"You know I do, Jake. I just don't want to make things worse."

"Not even possible." I heard his jeans fall to the ground and felt Edward move beneath me to make room for Jake. At least they're getting along. So much was happening at once, it was hard to concentrate, but Jake made it easy enough. He fisted the base of his dick and guided it towards my mouth. Blowing Jake properly nearly required me to dislocate my jaw, but I sucked on him as best as I could. He offered no complaint, uttering impassioned curses and sweet vows of love as I bobbed up and down his shaft.

I was being fucked in every orifice, save my ears and nostrils.

I was a very lucky girl.

My orgasm surprised me, peaking seemingly from nowhere. Waves of pleasure spiralled from my groin and into my pelvis, causing the walls of my pussy and even my asshole to contract in rhythm with my quivering uterus. I'd never come so hard that I was even aware of my uterus before, but I could feel it rock and squeeze along with my orgasm. Jake's cock flew out of my mouth as I screamed in unadulterated ecstasy.

-({})-

"Open your eyes, love."

"Where am I?"

"Home, Bella." Edward was smiling and touching my face. I threaded my hands through his.

"Home?"

His hands were warm. How was that possible?

"Your hands," I stuttered. "They're not cold?"

"No," he confirmed. "They're just like yours."

My throat burned, a fire that I was certain only one substance in the universe could douse.

Author's Note:

Big MASSIVE love to Mac214 for buying me and making me write this fuckery. Have you guys read her fics? You should. I've made some references to Relative Wind in this outtake that I'd like to make you aware of...

Relative Wind Quotes:

"Edward hooked his legs around mine to keep me in the correct position and grasped my wrists."

"You're a manwhore," I squeaked. "

I paraphrased this section: "Don't worry so much, Bella," Edward said into my ear, his cool breath causing my skin to break out into goose flesh. "I'm right here with you. I won't let anything go wrong."

Ninja tongue is a Relative Wind reference and all skydiving metaphors are also references.