by Darth Stitch
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Belongs to 2 TV gods by name of Frank Lupo and Stephen J. Cannell and is now a movie directed by Joe Carnahan. Will put the toys back when I'm done. This is also loosely based on the movie Baby's Day Out.
DISCLAIMER TO SAVE MY SOUL FROM GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET: This is the direct result of me on way too much chocolate, having seen a truly bad movie and my wacko sense of humor kicking in. There is no salvation for my soul. :P
WARNING: Uh…. Pure crack and utter silliness?
You remind me of the babe (What babe?)
Babe with the power (What power?)
Power of Voodoo (Who do?)
You do (Do what?)
Remind me of the babe…
What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said...
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
- David Bowie, OST from Labyrinth
The Baby had a lot of fun today.
(The Federal Agent had never seen anything like it, in all his born days.)
Oddly enough, the funny men didn't take Nanny along when they brought him to the city for his Big Day Out. Still, he did want to see all the things and go to all the places Nanny read to him out of his boo-boo and he was quite determined to get that all done.
(Kidnapping was a serious business and the Federal Agent looked upon kidnappers as lower than pond scum. You just don't pick on kids. Ever. And this little guy – why, he was just a baby, just beginning to figure out how to stand up and was just mastering the art of crawling. He was a cute little thing too, judging from the picture his mother was able to provide – very light blonde hair and bright mischievous blue eyes. No wonder the foolish woman had wanted to have his picture taken for the papers and the magazines. She should just have thought twice about leaving her son in the hands of complete strangers.)
One of the funny men – the one with a hat, had sat the Baby down to read him the story from his boo-boo. The Baby thought that he was very silly. Why read the boo-boo to him when he was already in the city? So, the Baby decided to take matters into his own hands. If the men weren't going to take him where he wanted to go, he would go there himself.
After all, it was just a very easy crawl and he could crawl pretty fast.
(The news spread quickly. Any decent person would be concerned about the lost baby and they were calling in from all over. His parents were frantic of course and the baby's father was already thinking about bringing in some of his military contacts to help find the child. The Federal Agent didn't resent that – the mother, fool though she was initially, did love her son and he wasn't a parent himself so he could only imagine the anguish that the child's parents were feeling. So he did his job and they followed all the leads, although the reports they were getting about possible sightings of the child were admittedly very, very strange.)
The Baby had never thought that taking a bus ride would be so much fun! And then, he got to go to the mall, which was a good thing, because he needed a diaper change and it was nice to get a bottle of milk from the day care at that mall. Crawling was hungry work and Nanny said he was a growing boy. The funny men who took him kept chasing him all over but they just couldn't catch him.
The Baby thought that this was a fun game. He loved chase and hide and seek!
(The bus company called in about a man looking for a baby who had somehow gotten on the bus all by himself. The day care center at the mall reported a baby who went missing but it turned out that no parent or guardian had left him at that day care in the first place. And then, there was a report of a baby who was seen in the gorilla cage at the zoo…)
The gorilla was very nice. She gave the Baby some fruit – not that he could chew that very well, not having all of his teeth yet. But she was warm and fuzzy like some of his toys and she looked after him like Nanny would, actually. The funny men tried to play with her and she made them fly all the way to the other side of the room. One of them even got stuck in the monkey cage.
All that flying looked like fun!
The funny men really couldn't keep up with the Baby, which was strange since they could walk and they were bigger than him. Then again, he was a very fast crawler – Nanny said so. It was all she could do to keep up with him!
And maybe the other funny man, the one who yelled a lot, should really watch where he was going. Baby drool was slippery and the Baby didn't have his bib on.
(The kidnappers thought that it ought to be a snap. All they had to do was catch one tiny baby who didn't even know how to walk yet! But somehow, the little brat evaded them every time, crawling over rooftops, into a bus, on the streets, ending up in a construction site and happily evading every sort of danger without a single scratch. They, of course, were battered, bruised, covered in dirt, cement, plaster and all other sorts of junk.
The Boss-man of the kidnappers also learned that it was not a good idea to let a baby get a hold of his lighter. Any hope he may have had of having any children of his own was squashed for the immediate future. Heck, he didn't even know if he could manage anything for the next several months!)
The very last stop in the Baby's boo-boo was the Old Soldiers' Home. Nanny told him that soldiers were very strong, very brave men who fought for and served their country well. The Baby didn't quite all understand what that meant but Nanny told him about it and it seemed like a fine idea, a very good thing indeed.
The old soldiers were quite happy to see him and they put him on the chair and sang him their songs.
This is the Army, Mister Brown
You and your baby went to town
She had you worried but this is war
And she won't worry you anymore!
The Baby clapped as they sang. Perhaps he would be a soldier when he grew up. It sounded like an awful lot of fun!
(The old Colonel had heard about the kidnapped baby on the news. Terrible thing it was – how could anyone think about hurting a baby like that, taking him away from his home? Were he a few years younger, he and his buddies would have set off on a rescue mission right smartly.
But that kind of shenanigans was best left to the young ones now. Most of his buddies were dead, left behind in the bloody sands of Iwo Jima or were among the first killed when the Japs attacked Pearl. The others were like him, old and tired and living only in their memories.
So, quite naturally, the old Colonel was startled when he saw this enterprising little fellow crawling happily towards him. There was no one with him and God only knew how the baby made it to their home. This little one was either the luckiest kid alive or the smartest little baby ever born. The child was quite fearless and managed to pull himself up to a standing position next to his chair, evidently wanting to be picked up.
The Colonel was quite delighted to oblige him. The Baby babbled at him, evidently telling him all about his day and the Colonel nodded solemnly, as if he understood every word.
He would tell his buddies about the kid in a little while. They would call his parents and soon, this little fellow would finally be taken home, safe and sound.
But right now, he was quite glad of the company.)
Mommy, Daddy and Nanny were quite glad to see the Baby sitting with the old soldiers in their home. Mommy seemed to be crying and laughing at the same time, which was very strange for the Baby but who knew what Mommy thought sometimes?
The Baby had quite a day, after all. It was perfectly wonderful. There was just one thing.
He left his boo-boo behind in the house where the funny men lived.
He had to point that out to Mommy, didn't he? Their house was easy to find – it was the one with the great big tick-tock.
(Yessirree, the Federal Agent had never seen anything like it. Apparently, the kidnappers had managed to lose the Baby, who was actually trying to go to all of the places in the city that was shown in his favorite book. His nanny had figured it out when they had begun to put all of the reports of the baby sightings together. The bus, the mall, the zoo, heck, even the construction site and finally the Old Soldiers' Home – it was all in the Baby's favorite book. And the little one had an amazing memory, remembering all of those places and knowing that he had to go there.
God only knew how the kid managed to get around the city without getting hurt or killed. His guardian angel must've had to put in a heck of a lot of overtime.
The really crazy part was how his idiot kidnappers couldn't seem to get a hold of the kid. They chased him all over the place but the kid kept escaping them. The Federal Agent had seen some truly stupid crooks in his day but this took the cake. Then again, he could believe that the baby managed to outsmart and outwit these guys – he had managed to lead the authorities straight to where the kidnappers' hideout was after all.
That was one smart little baby. The Federal Agent could only imagine how he would be like when he grew up and laughed at the thought.)
Mommy and Daddy tucked the Baby in. He wasn't quite ready to sleep yet and he tried to play peek-a-boo with his blankie, making Daddy and Mommy laugh.
"Good night, my darling," Mommy said, giving him a kiss.
"Good night, John," Daddy said, brushing gently at his hair.
The baby, whose full name was John H. Smith, smiled up at his parents, quite unafraid, even when they turned out the light, leaving him with just his nightlight. As soon as they closed the door, John reached around for his new boo-boo.
Baby's Trip to China.
This sounded like an awful lot of fun. Little John Smith would fall asleep soon, dreaming of his next adventure.
Chocolate was invented so that we women will be restrained from indulging in homicidal impulses towards anyone male during certain times of the month. However, when I'm on a chocolate high, my sanity decides to take a very long vacation. Plus, the baby in Baby's Day Out was so cute, I couldn't resist. I saw that movie and went OMGWTF that kid is Baby Hannibal right there! My Hannibal Muse will never forgive me. :P
Face Muse: But you were soooooo cute as a baby!
Murdock Muse: That's our Colonel – kicking serious ass even at less than a year old!
B.A. Muse: (laughing his ass off) Awww…..
Hannibal Muse: (facepalms) You could've stopped her, you know!
Face Muse: She's still trying to tell the audience how I ended up in a dress, for Chrissakes. You're on your own here, boss!
Hannibal Muse: (growls) I'm not forgetting this, Templeton.
Murdock Muse: Now there's an interesting story coming up there, involving kiss- (is stopped by B.A. clamping his hand over his mouth)
B.A. Muse: Shut up, fool! Do you want to spoil the whole thing?
Hannibal Muse: (slinks off to hide in sheer mortification)
Me: (still cackling madly)
More chocolate please?